Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

[MyFairGreenTurtle]

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

Omds she would be paying for all the damage and i would be giving her notice to find somewhere else to live. Shes 26 not 16 she should know better and she should be grateful you're neighbpurs didnt call the police

She needs to be living on her own if she wants to behave so disrespectfully.

This has got to be rage-bait, surely?

On the slightest chance it isn't - kick her out. Today. That's her consequences.

You won't see a penny from her or get any accountability/action from her other than a bit of pathetic hoovering while crying manipulatively. That's your consequences for your own foolishness and bad parenting. What is fucking wrong with you?

And if she's an international freelance business consultant, I'm an astronaut.

I would be informing the police, photographing everything, getting quotes for replacements and fitting/labour and making her pay. Garnish her wages until it’s all paid for, then she could leave!

I'm shocked that they just left it and made no effort to clean up, too.

When my crowd were 18/19, we had parties at a friend's 3 weekends running while his parents were away. Even at that age, we had the sense to put away stuff that was breakable etc, and rolled up and removed the rugs (they had parquet throughout).

Despite being off our heads on all sorts (it was the 70s, when acid was still a thing), we spent the bank holiday before they got back cleaning the house from top to bottom and making sure that everything was immaculate. One of the lads even cut the grass and I deadheaded the roses.

His parents had no idea there'd even been parties until the neighbours mentioned noise and people camping in the garden.

She's 26, that's absolutely ridiculous behaviour. At 26 I was working full time, living in my own home, and planning my wedding. It wouldn't even have been on my radar to be throwing teenage style house parties, and if I had been living at my parents there's no way I'd have disrespected them and their home like that. Of course she should pay to fix the damage, that's appalling. Sorry you've had to come home to this OP.

She’s behaved appallingly and really you’d be doing her a life lesson by making her move out. She should appreciate you and your home. I could get a bit of damage but this sounds feral and it also sounds like she didn’t even try to clean up properly which just makes it even worse.

I am also slightly suspicious of the job she claims she has if I’m honest. Remote jobs are obviously possible but she’s still pretty young to have branched off into freelance and doesn’t have the background to really have done that (people often do that once they’ve reached a very senior level).

I wouldn’t involve insurance at all, your DD should pay every penny. You also don’t need to worry about enabling her social life, I’m sorry but I would be more worried about a 26 year old still living like a teenager. I think perhaps it’s time for her to move out and grow up a bit!

Time for her to get a proper job, pay a decent share of household expenses, and pay back every bit of damage done!

And no more friends around, neither she nor they have respect for your home. If she doesn't like it then she can move out.

I think you've made a rod for your own back with this one.

At 26 she should be moving out or paying you back in full!!
It would be different if she was 18 and all her friends were teenagers but that is completely unacceptable for a 26yr old!

Goodness OP. I hope you read every single post on here and really understand the responses to your own posts. The complete disregard for your home. The alleged job. It’s not all piecing together.

There is something very suspicious going on. I don’t think your daughter is being honest with you. She needs to fully reimburse you for ALL damage. You must make her pay. She’s walking all over you. She’s 26. Excuses wouldn’t wash with me. Pay up and leave.

Would insurance pay up if the resident stood by whilst things were trashed?

Anyway mover her out.

If you have accidental damage insurance you could claim, however read the policy careful as if you imply the party guests were unlawful trespassers your claim will be denied.

Best way to learn to respect a home is to have to pay for your own subpar one. She’s living in more luxury than she can afford but treating it like a party tent

I’d be asking her to move out. She can try the rental market and see how many parties she can host in a 5 bed house share with no living room. Maybe living within her means may force her to get a proper job , and also teach her to respect her home and others in her home. She’ll also see her friends’ behaviour in a different light when she’s the one tidying up after them and getting flack from her roommates about them.

You have enabled her and if she continues to live with you, that’s a strong message that she can cause criminal damage and you’ll still sweep it under the rug. At this point it’s you disrespecting yourself and your home.

I’m angry for you @MyFairGreenTurtle shes disrespected you and your home.

She needs to pay for the damage and then move out, it’s about time she grew up.

At 26 she should know better!

Of course she should pay - I can’t believe you are even asking. I’d also be telling her to find somewhere else to live. She has betrayed your trust.

Even if you are able to claim on your insurance your premiums will double next year.

....and I very much doubt she is a freelance business consultant....

Time for her to pay up and move out.

She would be paying back every penny from another home, she would be out if she was mine. I’d be making her pack right now.

Bill her. She now owes you and can pay back in installments. Then ask her to start looking for a place of her own. She is old enough, and treats you too badly to still be with living with parents.

Agree with both parts of this.

You should have a good idea of what the carpet will cost to replace, OP, given that it's relatively new, and it should be easy to find out the cost of replacing the tv and the hot tub online. I doubt if you'll get wine stains out of the sofa, so check out the price of that, too. Did the red wine on your bed get as far as the mattress? Add the cost of replacing it to the cost of new bedlinen if so!

You'll probably need to get quotes for rehanging the patio door and replacing the worktop, then add on the cost of a professional deep clean and tell her exactly how much she owes you.

Once she's paid for all the damage, I'd be asking her to leave home, too. Then she can trash her own place when she wants a party.

She can put some extra content on her freelance Only Fans and pay up for the damage.
Once she has paid and everything is spotless again she needs to move out.

Oh my goodness 26?!! I thought you were going to say 14/15!!! What odd behaviour - absolutely she should pay for it but also what 26 year olds did she have round?

I'm only 2 years older and no way any of us would be behaving like that at someone else's house. Also shocked she hadn't made any efforts to clear up before you got home.

Oh come on, if this is true then why has she never had any consequences to her actions? She did this at 26 and all 20 of her friends and acquaintances were likeminded? At 21 you told her to stay off the grass and they dragged furniture on it and made a slippy slide.

Nah.

Well here is your daughter's chance to show that she is sorry and sort the entire mess out.

I would put in writing a list of all the damage caused and tell her that she has 3 months to replace or repair everything on the list and sort it out herself.

I'm not sure insurance will pay for damage caused by drunk people that were invited round.

I would suggest your daughter gets in contact with these friends and makes them pay their share of the damage.

If it we me, I would tell her she has until January 1st to find another place to live. Then I would change the locks. 26 is old enough for full responsibility.