Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

[MyFairGreenTurtle]

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

Come on OP, give your head a wobble

"Endless energy for partying", doesn't drink alcohol yet makes incredibly poor decisions, no energy the next day - drugs

International business consultant at 26 yet with seemingly no actual professional or business experience - Only Fans and/or drugs

A consistent group of similarly inclined, wild disrespectful and destructive friends, at 26 years old? - drugs

You need to wake up and smell the coffee (or a line of whatever your daughter is putting up her nose), and stop enabling her.

I hope you are making her pay for all the damage including a new carpet.

This is highly disrespectful and not what 26yr old woman do to their parents house. Yes she should be 100% responsible for the damages and have it all paid to be fixed. We allow our teenage kids to have parties and there is no way they are this disrespectful of our home. Our 21yr old has all her gathering in our home as we have some property and an entertainment area. They all camp out in the yard or have blow up beds in the living areas of the house as we dont allow drinking and driving and for the most part every time they clean their mess and wash up before they leave. I think its time for your daughter to move out and stand on her own feet and maybe she will have more respect for your home or her own home.

I hope you are banging on her door right now getting her up nice and early on a Sunday morning to clean…. Madam rested the day after the party so she should be full of beans to tidy now !!

I agree I had a mortgage at 22! However, for some perspective, low pay, high rents, lack of rental properties mean young people are living at home a lot longer. My son is, but then he’d never behave like this and if he did have a party, I’d never know as the house would be spotless!

Stop enabling her FFS!

Snag the damage and give her two weeks to sort it, given how flexible her work is she shouldn’t have a problem sorting it. Scrub that, I wouldn’t trust this feckless idiot with the time of day, so I would sort it myself and add 10 % for my troubles.

She did this because she’s entitled and immature. You enable it by treating her like a rambunctious tween, as opposed to a grown arse woman who treats your home as a frat house. The fact that she made a vague promise to fix part of the damage, shows exactly what she thinks of you but more importantly, how much of her bs she knows you are willing to accept.

You have done yourself and your DD no favours by enabling her poor attitude.

What are her plans for leaving home? I bet she probably doesn’t have any, given how cushy she has it currently.

If she’s an international business advisor whizz kid, how come she can only try to help get a quote to repair the kitchen work top. How come she isn’t already on it and got all repairs, stains and vomit sorted and new hot tub and tv ordered.
How come she has so little shame and gumption to at least sort her parent’s bed sheets after allowing strangers in her mum’s bed.

OP, she may be top rate in her field of work but I think you should ask her for a list of her clients and then check your own gullibility.

You need to wake up and rule out that her field of work, after her business degree, isn’t simply as a party girl /drug user/ dealer.

She needs to find somewhere else to live. Once she has her own home that she pays for, she’s free to let her friends trash it.
Put your foot down OP. No more parties, gatherings or friends round.

What possessed you agreeing to her having a gathering knowing she and her social group have a track record, and you weren't even going to be there. Did you not for a moment worry that it would end like this?

Come on OP, I’m annoyed with all of you. How can a 26 year old be so immature and reckless? She needs to pay up and move out of home and you know it.

Secondly, stop falling for her obvious lies. If she has a great career, she can stand on her own two feet, she will be fine. If she can’t, she will learn about consequences (about a decade too late).

Sorry to be blunt but this is sloppy, lazy parenting and this is what happens when you enable your children to be entitled brats.

Wow what bad behaviour for a 26 yr old. She needs to pay for all of the damage and agree with pp sounds like drugs are involved.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you, it must be really stressful. To make yourself feel better and see the bright side you could use this as a reason to replace your worktops with a quartz worktop. Your daughter paying towards this would be a really nice gesture.

I have to say though there’s nothing like owning ones own home and realising how much time, effort, hard work and money it takes to get a home set up to give one respect for property and belongings. Maybe it’s time she got her own place.

I honestly can't believe what I am reading. She sounds like she's a teenager but actually that's insulting to many teenagers.

Sounds like you have enabled this situation. The warning signs were there, you ignored them - she had friends round and they didn't clear up afterwards.

I am assuming the damages will cost thousands and thousands of pounds - TV, carpet, hot tub, work surface.
Does she have any savings with this unicorn job that she has? If so you need to take it. She REALLY needs to learn from this. She should be feeling ashamed

Can someone tell me what Only Fans is - I'm scared to actually Google that one?

I've been thinking the international consultancy business is actually drugs dealing, but she sounds far too immature to be one of the serious players in the game.

It definitely sounds like drugs were involved at the party and she has some very dodgy friends.

Having read this I’ve changed my vote to YABU. She has form for this, you’ve allowed this behaviour. Time to put some rules in place or find a place of her own.

This is what me and my brother did at 14, we thought the damage then was bad but it was no where near as bad as what you describe. We spent hours cleaning up and thought parents would never know but we missed a couple of things and of course the neighbours spoke to them. I can’t get my head around a 26 year old having a house party like this.

I’d be beyond livid . It’s well known that ‘ gatherings ‘ tend to turn into out of control house parties . Bloody awful .

Appalling behaviour and you didn't need to ask if you were being unreasonable, OP, but the fact that you did ask tells us a lot about who rules the roost at your house.

It'd be much better & cheaper if you insisted she move out, giving her a deposit for a rental flat if needed.

She needs to grow up.

If she’s 26 and has been working full time, paying a peppercorn rent towards bills (in agreement with OP), then even with a modest salary she should have saved nearly 100k by now.

Time to move out.

They will fall to her, not you.

She’s like the because the more I read from OP the more she’s been raised wrong . OP sounds relaxed about all this as if oh well shit happens . She’s not been a good parent and now she’s reaping the rewards of shitty parenting . Who allows a 26 yrs old to work as and when from her bedroom , pays peppercorn rent . Has no respect for people’s property and sees the damage as just another by product of having a party . How is any of this setting up this adult woman to actually adult . I’d be apoplectic about this not making excuses about her wanting to have a good social life .

‘apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.‘

Clearly, she drinks.

She’s got a serious drink problem if she’s behaving like this repeatedly. I know, because I was similar in my twenties and early thirties. Never caused this kind of damage, but so embarrassed by the way I behaved. Other people had to clean up after me. It took me years to recognise how utterly disgusting my behaviour was, because alcohol was worth it to me at the time, so I never truly faced what I was doing until I stopped drinking.

I haven't rtft, but had anyone suggested to @MyFairGreenTurtle that they give DD notice to move out? 26, allegedly working as a consultant, not paying her way, and trashing the house when left alone? This is either a joke or some incredibly lax parenting.

Time for some Rightmove links and a big fat wakeup call. For both of you.

She's not a consultant.

From experience professional upholstery cleaners can easily get red wine out of a sofa.

I would personally pick all the companies for cleaning, repairs etc myself and then get her to organise it, I wouldn’t want to risk her attempting to cut corners.

It does however seem poir behaviour and disrespect doesn’t ever have a consequence for her, so its less surprising that she continues the same pattern of behaviour.