Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

[MyFairGreenTurtle]

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

I would be absolutely livid. She would be cleaning, paying AND moving. She has disrespected you terribly.

YANBU. Whilst she can’t control what other people do, it’s her responsibility to right this. She’s probably mortified . I can’t believe there are people out there her age that behave like that. I didn’t when I was 26 but the world is a different place now I guess.. common decency isn’t always taught is it 🙄

You have been treating her like a child when she is an adult.

Has she got savings? What is the plan for moving out?

Up her rent. What chores does she do?

I think it is time to tell her to move out if she wants parties etc.

Sounds like one hell of a party for all that to happen in one night!

I’d be chucking her out on her arse tbh after she had paid for everything..

How have you got that much tech and fancy kit - garden TV and hot tub - and no security cameras? DS(17) sometimes has small scale parties when we’re out for the evening or away for a night but I deliberately wind him up early on every time by reminding him through the dog cam that I can spy on them at any time. I never do, but I like him to know that I could if I wanted to, and it means the girls don’t smoke in my kitchen at least.

If your DD was mine, I’d probably be cutting my losses and moving her out in the new year. She’ll never be able to afford a deposit if she also has to pay for all the damage to your house and IMO, in the long run, you’re better off shipping her out before she does it again (which she will).

Oh, and drugs was my first thought too. Doesn’t drink? Too tired to clean up? Boundless energy for a social life? Dodgy AF sounding ‘employment’? Drugs, 100%.

If you don’t kick her out, at least get a security camera.

Time for her to move out OP.

I did something similar… when I was 15. But you best believe I repaired everything and cleaned up so thoroughly that my parents never knew. Luckily no permanent damage though but my neighbours did come round in the morning shouting at us and threatening to call the authorities. Because I was a teenager I also had a solid crew of friends who stayed in the morning to scrub the place from top to bottom. This party really was wild.

26 is wayyyyyy too old to be that disrespectful, that’s idiotic teenager territory.

I'd be giving her her notice. She is an adult sponging off her parents with no responsibilities or morals

That’s harsh, OP is just back and probably in shock at it all.

Do not claim on your insurance for this. It will count against you and your rates will end up going up. Maybe not immediately, but if you have another legitimate claim it will be a problem.

she needs to pay for all of this herself. She needs to start by cleaning up the biohazards and the trash. Then honestly I would require her to pay for a professional cleaner of your choosing to do a deep clean. I would also choose your own vendors for doing the repair work. Be fair and get multiple quotes, but don’t let her try to do a cheap job on repairing your home.

going forward, your household rules need to change. She either needs to pay rent or you need to see a rent equivalent going into her savings account.

she should lose the right to have household guests permanently. If she wants visitors she can move out.

if she balks at repairing the damage properly, you may have to sue her. You absolutely should. This is blatant negligence on her part. She isn’t a teenager that didn’t understand the consequences of her own actions.

The more I read your responses the less sympathy I have.

You've enabled this behaviour. She sounds spoiled and utterly irresponsible.

I'd keep her around until she's paid for every last bit of damage. Then she'd be out on her arse. The coddling needs to stop.

26?!?! At this age I had my own house with DP and his 2 children. I had my own child at 29! 26 is a proper adult, not a silly teen. She needs to cover the repair costs and then move out.

No, you are not remotely unreasonable.

26 is really old to be behaving the way your DD is. Plenty of people are parenting at that age.

Make sure this is the wake up call that ends the loutish behaviour - at least on your property.

I hope you get it all sorted without too much hassle and expense.

Well she now needs to divert that energy into working overtime and a second job and she needs to put right every single thing she has damaged - and more.

I can’t imagine showing so little respect for my parents or being so irresponsible at her age. I’d often have friends around to my parents house when they weren’t there (including when I had my own place because it was tiny and needed a lot of work to be suitable for visitors so they’re kindly let me use their home for me to host gatherings and have friends around for a meal) and not one of my friends would dare be so disrespectful either - what kind of company is your daughter keeping?!

She needs to start learning responsibility fast and she needs to do it immediately. No more parties - she needs to replace all your things. Not one day, or eventually - but needs to work towards this immediately.

She’s 26 for goodness sake - not a child!!!

She needs to pay for the damage herself.

She would be paying for all the damage and moving out straight away. Disgusting.

I think that is one of your mistakes then - allowing her to have people there when you’d had to tidy up after her in the past. None of these people seem to have any respect. I remember several years younger than her helping the hosts tidy up after any party or gathering - no one would dream of leaving rubbish or dirty pots or any mess lay around.

Hope you have also realised that she is not a very nice person.

Said she’ll help get a quote for the work top?

Never mind that. She needs to GET the quote for the worktop. She needs to take all responsibility for this or she will never learn. The only part you should play is confirming the replacement worktop she has found is one you want. She needs to FIND the replacement work top, pay for the worktop, find a trades person YOU are happy with, arrange for them to do the work, wait in for them coming to do the work, and pay them. And if they damage anything or don’t do the job right she needs to pay for that as well.

She also needs to do the same with the hot tub, the tv and the new carpet she has ruined from her irresponsible stupidity.

I hope you also had her cleaning up whatever had sick on it and paying to replace that too.

Honestly the more I read the more I am astonished at her behaviour.

PLEASE stop enabling this childish behaviour from her.

This is the type of behaviour expected of a rebellious 16yo with a free house, not a 26yo. With a 16 yo too you could argue not enough life experience for consequence. But 26? You'd be letting your full adult child have a teenager style party amd funding their wanton destruction. No. I'd be ok helping people who needed it but not talking down neighbours for my kids friends dickhead behaviour. At 26, I'd hope I would have raised my kids how to behave long ago.

I went on holiday for 2 weeks when DS2 was 18 he had friends to the house and it was cleaner and tidier before I went away

1. she clears up every bit of mess possible
2. you add up the total cost of replacement and repairs and she takes a loan out for that amount
3. she is never allowed friends round again
4. she starts looking for a new place to live in the new year.

Disgraceful behaviour.

No don’t claim on your insurance. It will increase your premiums and teach your daughter she can do whatever she wants.

She can afford to party she can afford to work to put all this right. If she stopped spending money on partying and going out she’d have more money to replace your things that she damaged. She will also have that extra time to work - either more hours in her current job or she needs to find a second job. She needs to learn money doesn’t grow on trees and she needs to learn some respect.

Maybe she could sell some things she has that she bought like clothes and shoes and bags. Anything bar the essentials really.

Honestly I don’t know why you’re not absolutely seething at this behaviour! As IF you should take the fall for any of it - absolutely not! She won’t learn if you let her get away with it. She will continue going through life being a disrespectful terrible person with no consideration for anyone else whatsoever. Is that really what you want for a daughter?

Unfortunately she obviously hasn’t had to take responsibility so far but now is the time for her to learn.

It's a good one though, hitting all the right notes to get the audience frothing:

• Damage to home
• Spoiled daughter way too immature for her age
• "Movies under the stars" was an inspired subtle touch, I thought
• The constant enablement and minimizing of past behaviour/invisible to own poor parenting
• Selective responses to certain asks for detail
• The initial vagueness of what the daughter actually does, apart from "girlboss" designed to make us jump to MLM or OF
• Followed-up by some cock-and-bull about having a generic degree yet being some consulting guru to the Fortune 500 at 26.

It's worked a charm though with several posters claiming rage on behalf of the OP, with one even saying they're re-taken up smoking on the back of this thread.

A late - and very strong - contender for "Wind-up of the Year", IMO.