Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

[MyFairGreenTurtle]

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

Absolutely what I was thinking before I read your post.

They don’t, now - since the irresponsible daughter ruined that for them!

My Fitbit vibrated to ask me if I was stressed when I read it!

OP, quickly ring the carpet store. They may still have the carpet you need and could patch it for you. Not exactly what you want I know but better than nothing. Hopefully they will still have the same batch though so the colour will be the same.

Oh my I’ve just seen this. She doesn’t drink and allowed all this to happen? Then she’s taking drugs in your house so you definitely need a sharp stern word with her and the partying absolutely has to stop. And when she’s done putting right every little last thing she damaged (and even if it was her friends directly causing the damage it was her responsibility because she hosted the party and she allowed them all in) she needs to move out.

What if the next thing she’s doing results in the police putting your door through at 5 in the morning because she’s storing huge quantities of drugs there?

I’m so sorry OP. Do not for one minute think you are being unreasonable expecting her to pay for things or show responsibility. She is 26 not 16 (although even then I would expect more respect from a 16 year old!).

And atv26 this is appalling behaviour, and she needs to make things right.

26? This is usually the sort of thing that happens when they are 16 , good grief, I was married at that age and those days were a decade behind me, I would be incandescent with rage

Definitely! And the disrespect of the friends even going in the bedrooms!

She's taking the absolute piss.
How hard is it to put your rubbish in the bin, and rinse out your glasses?!
Then this party too. 😳
Just no.
26 years old?!
I could imagine it of a newly found "freedom!" of an 18 year old on realising they can now legally get drunk and enjoy being left alone, but 26?!
Sounds like she takes the home for granted and doesn't think Has she ever actually moved out to be by herself?
Maybe needs to find her own place to grow up a bit.

Tell her she pays for all the damage done
And once she's paid every penny back alongside her weekly rent, not instead of
She slings her hook
And no "friends" are allowed either to darken your doorstep
I honestly myself would serve her very cold shoulder, not mature I know but I wouldn't care
She's shown no respect to you or your feelings by letting this happen
So never say more than you have to say to her
Stay Frosty

26!!! I thought you were going to say 16. At 26 she would be looking for a new house in the new year and paying for all the damage !

A little bit of gentle hoovering? What about getting down on her hands and knees to clean up the vomit? Or was that your job? And what on earth do you mean by she'll "help" get a quote?Can you bullet point exactly what she has done on her own initiative, without any prompting from you, OP?
She has to sort this all out herself.Do not let her disrespect you like this.

I’ll admit, I’ve not read all the posts / thread, just OP’s posts.

The daughter comes across as a spoilt, irresponsible brat who has never learned from her previous atrocious behaviour.

It is unlikely she will change her behaviour whilst OP makes excuses for her and is somewhat accepting that her daughter disrespects her without any real, meaningful consequences occurring.

Best wishes OP. I hope you manage to reinstate your home fairly quickly. Building trust in your daughter to do the right thing may take somewhat longer.

Don't let her get out of paying for a single bloody thing. She has been an adult for years

I would expect her to pay for the full costs and I would be telling her I no longer felt comfortable with her living under my roof. Time for the baby to move out and grow up. You deserve to feel safe at home.

Yes, I would organise a repayment plan with her.

I would also give her 3 months notice to find somewhere to live - and obviously no party in the interim.

She should have moved out years ago, it’s a wake up call that it’s doing her no favours living at home, she’s immature and irresponsible.

So you quit smoking and a random stranger on the internet made you break that because you got so angry on behalf of somebody you never met?

My god, how weird.

I'd make her get a proper job. 9am to 5pm minimum and in the office with a clear contract.

You make her pay every last penny for all the damages and then you give her marching orders and let her ruin her own house instead
of yours. At her age I was living on my own.

I wouldn’t claim on insurance. This is just more enabling. She should pay, especially as she doesn’t even pay standard rent. Then time for her to move out. Did you ever see the film failure to launch?

And here we see the predictable results of enabling adults to enjoy an extended adolescence. There is no excuse for an adult to permit her guests to behave so atrociously in her parents’ home. She needs to do far more than apologise and “help” get a quote to repair the damaged worktop. She ought to arrange for any necessary repairs herself and obviously pay for them.

How pathetic that she is behaving like an irresponsible teenager. Hopefully this will be a wake-up call for all of you. It’s long past time for her to grow up and become an independent adult.

She should definitely pay for all damage and not have anyone over again. She should also coordinate all repairs (give her a deadline.) She gets the quotes, runs them by you, she pays for it. It will take a long time to fix all of this (I’m so sorry) and she should bare the brunt of that fully

Yes, you must draw a line

-She cleans everything
-Quotes for damaged TV, worktop, hottub, carpet, cushion covers, patio door, bathroom handle + other things I can’t remember. All of it. Within 1-2 weeks max.

She will quickly learn the impact of her actions. Then she pays for all. Tbh if she needs to take a bank loan I think that wouldn’t be unreasonable.

No insurance claims (effecting your premium)

After all booked in, sit down and talk about her future, what does she want? Then she can put a plan in place to move out

I would not be claiming on the house insurance

Get her to pay for everything she has damaged

It's hard to know where to start.

She sounds like a very young 26. The thing with playing slip-slide on the lawn - that's what 8 year olds would do, isn't it?

And the party last night, not stepping in to stop what was clearly deliberate vandalism - like a 15 year old at most?

Yet he job is a responsible one and she seems successful in it.

Though I say this - have you any idea what she actually earns? Does she have loads of savings, as her outgoings are so low? Or could she actually be earning very little, and lying about how much she works? The job does seem a strange one.

I was also wondering if she could possibly be being abused, either by a group of friends or an individual. As I said, that degree of damage is deliberate. Someone, or a group of someone's, has intentionally done this to her. For laughs? To shame and scare her into complying with them, or just for the joy of hurting someone/breaking stuff, I don't know.

I would also be considering going to the police about the damage - does she know who did it? Inviting people into your home does not give them carte blanche to deliberately destroy all your things. I don't know exactly where you would stand, but I would look into it.

But my main source of concern would be what on earth was going on with my daughter, that she allowed such things.

Also, you say she doesn't drink. Could she have been spiked? This would explain her inability to take action while these vandals trashed your home.

Gosh, you must be so worried. I can't imagine how I would feel if this was my daughter. I hope you get some answers and can find a way to keep her safe.