Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

[MyFairGreenTurtle]

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

Sorry you need to get her to pay for all of this. It’s so disrespectful to you OP. It might feel hard now enforcing it but you don’t want this happening when she’s in her 30s!!!!! Tough love needed I’m afraid!

As others have said, get some gumption (another fabulous underused word!)

Be stern. Be strict. Be bloody horrible.

Never sit there and just accept the whole thing. I mean, you probably will be too soft, but look at how it's turned out so far...one day, you might come home to... no home..!

I would tell her that she needs to pay you back for any damage not covered by insurance including any excess on claims.

No more house guests

And from end of January start paying proper rent/housekeeping - maybe a third of all joint expenses not including mortgage if relevant.

If you can manage without that money I'd tuck it another account and when you have enough for a deposit and months rental up front tell her she has three months to find somewhere and move out.

I wouldn't expect this behaviour from someone in their late teens, let alone a grown woman heading into her late twenties.

In what way is it treating it like a hotel? Damage like this in a hotel would ensue serious consequences. Possibly criminal charges.

I assumed your DD was a teenager, and that would have been a problem. She is an adult, not a young one. That’s a disaster.

Ok well say it’s 5k
If you think there’s no way of getting it out of her savings pot - the one she sure has through her ‘high flying ( bullshit ) job
then that’s the little best egg you had saved for any future house buying/wedding etc

so let her know she’s had it in advance - hope party was worth it
now good luck in your new home- room in shared house/bedsit/flatshare where you will be living within the next month

Cheerio and see you every other Sunday for tea

Bloody madam, Christ on a bike 26 - I despair

wow. She sounds very entitled. She needs to pay for it all and then time for her to find her own place and she can trash it as much as she /her friends want to

im amazed that after her last party where she ruined the grass that you allowed another

leg alone having friends over anyway and not tidying up

@supersop60 Because it sounds like a wild party ? And I know that technically it's wrong hence the word shamefully.

She is 26, she can move out or go to a pub to socialise, she does not need to have friends over and after this she shouldn't want them over.

Definitely make her pay the damage too, that is her responsibility and the least she can do.

Completely disrespectful towards you! I would kick her arse out and ahe would have to work a long time to earn my trust again! 26?!

Wow. Time to stop enabling her I'm afraid. Do you have other children or is she your one and only?

She hardly pays rent, so if she really does have a proper job she must have a few thousand saved. She should be emptying her savings immediately to help pay for this incredible amount of damage.

Make it clear to her that if you have some money set by for her future (house deposit, wedding) then that money is going to be spent on fixing the damage, unless she pays for it out of her own money.

She should also be asking her friends for contributions. And paying for professional cleaners. And forfeiting any really expensive Christmas present you had planned for her. And NEVER having a friend over again.

And to be honest, she needs to be moving out. Bet if she was in her own place she would treat it with more respect than she treats your home.

My DDs are 21 and 19 (older away at uni, younger still at home). I'd be unbelievably betrayed and furious if one of them did this to my home. But they never would. DD1, about 5 years ago, accidentally scratched the Victorian floor tiles in the hall while moving a table for me. She was absolutely mortified and couldn't stop apologising, even though I knew it was a total accident and was pretty chill about it. She got advice from a friend's dad, bought materials and fixed the scratches herself with the help of a YouTube video.

How awful for you, OP. Handhold.

This isn't the first time we've had to clean up after her and her friends, it's just never been on this scale before
So why on earth did you agree to her having the party?
I’d tell her she’s paying for everything that’s been broken or wrecked then make her move out.

OP, whatever it is she does, there is no way on earth she is a ‘freelance consultant’ at 26 when she has little to no specialist expertise, never meets any clients face to face, and has apparently no other experience. I’m not saying she does OnlyFans - but whatever it is that does do, she certainly isn’t a freelance management consultant.

I feel like this thread has jumped the shark tbh because surely nobody can be this naive.

Also she ‘doesn’t drink’ but was ‘too drunk’ to throw people out of the house? Which is it?

When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

This is who she is.

She has to work out how to fix the hot tub, patio door, counter top, replace the TV and pay for it all. If she has a degree in Business Management this should not be difficult. Assess the damage. Get quotes. Hire the best value, not the cheapest. Pay the bills. Arrange for instalments of necessary. You must supervise, but she has to do the work because that is the cost of your time and you could be doing lovely things (like being in a hot tub or watching the TV outside) instead of fixing this.

While you're at it, you should ask to see how much she has saved for her house deposit, because presumably the reason you are not charging her market rent is so she can save for that. And if she has saved for a deposit, she can use that money to fix the damage she's done. If she hasn't done that, then she is taking the piss out of you even more.

A wild party once, shame on her. Wild party twice, shame on you.

Your house is not prison so if she doesn't like the conditions that you are about to make for her continued living at home, she can move out. And she will still owe you the thousands of pounds it's going to cost to fix.

Also her consultancy business. International clients. How do you know it's not an OnlyFans account? You should have a better idea about her work than "consultancy".

Honestly I think this is utterly unacceptable and you should ask her to leave I'm immediately and pay for the damage. She needs to learn her lesson and learn how to be able adult.

I say this as someone 8 it years older than her temporarily living with my parents due to necessity. Total disrespect on her part.

More than likely it will be fine. You know your own son. (Also I’m not entirely sure this is all real). My son went through a stage at about 17 when there were house parties when parents were away, including at our house. The only sign that anyone else had been in the house was that some ornaments had been put back in the wrong place. (It was also mentioned by neighbours but not as a complaint, more that they wanted to make sure I was aware, comments were very jokey).

Yep. I’m a product of boarding school and expat parents living abroad, and this kind of thing is what I really feel I missed out on.

Why do you clean up after her? You’re enabling her. And the way you talk about her, you’re babying her. She’s well into adulthood, it’s time she moved out. After she’s put right all the damage of course.

I would make her replace everything she has let her friends damage, even if I replaced them all myself and she repaid me every month. I would be absolutely livid, I wouldn’t care if she had to pay back £20k she would learn a hard lesson about respect.

Her job is either only fans or drug dealer let's be realistic

You cannot let this slide. Tell her what the benchtop is made of and say you expect 2 or 3 quotes by Friday, and list other things. Ask her about payment for the damage and if she sp much as says anything about she doesn’t have enough you say I’ve looked at the market and as of today your rent is x, that’s either indefinite or until you’ve paid for the damages for your massive juvenile fuckup, I’ll have to see how your attitude goes.

Most people, even 20-somethings, are not as careless, selfish, fucking stupid and massively entitled as the ops child, you will probably be fine.

Two of my DCs went to Ivy League universities and the campuses are basically swarmed with recruiters trying to get them into consulting at the big firms. One of mine did it for two years (hated it) and ultimately decided to do a postgrad degree in something else. I seriously doubt a single one of her peers is now working on a freelance basis for international clients - particularly from their mother's house.

I'd ask some questions, OP. *If this is real

Definitely, so obvious.🙄