Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

[MyFairGreenTurtle]

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

Oh God, OP - I really didn’t need to read this tonight!! My son is meant to be having a ‘small gathering’ of friends over to celebrate his 18th next week and I am dreading it - I’m so worried that there will be costly damage done to the house 😩

I went to a house party at a friends that ended up like this when I was 15.
We all spent the entire of the next morning calling glaziers, cleaning carpets and sofas, and putting things as right as we could before our friends parents got back. We at least all atrempted to make things right. We didnt wait for the parents to come back and tell us how to call an emergency glazier. We pooled money for cleaning stuff and scrubbed red wine and sick ourselves. It was a large house too with a party that got out of hand. But this was a bunch of 15 year olds. Not 26 year olds.
She was grounded for a very long time if I remember rightly.
How has your daughter just left it as it was for you to find?
At 26 most people have lived in their own house and understand the value of things. Even at 15 we knew it was not ok and rallied round to help rectify things.
They all came then buggered off and left her to deal with the fall out. Absolutely not good friends either.

The hot tub control pad, the outside tv, the worktop and carpet stains will tot up easily to over 5 grands worth of damage. Easily!

I would sit down with her and come up with a payment plan so she can reimburse you. Say £300 a month.

I would also increase her rent to at least 75 percent of market value. She’s taking the piss. She won’t move out because she pays a pittance to live in house with hot tubs and outdoor TVs.

I would tell her that at 26, she needs to think about moving out and 2026 will be the year she knuckles down and saves for a deposit with a view to moving out in spring 2027 - because you and your wife are sick to the back teeth of hosting frat parties for 26 year old adults. I would hit the fucking roof to be honest. She’s 26!

Oh and I would also not get her a thing for Christmas. Whatever you have bought her, take it back and put the money towards carpet and upholstery cleaning. Tell her if she behaves like a teenager she can get treated like one. It’s pretty much the week before Christmas and your house resembles student lodging with chunks out of the worktop. Tell her not to buy you and your wife anything and you would prefer the cash to sort some of the damage. I can’t get over the nerve of her.

Agree - in fact not only should she not be behaving as though nothing has happened but she should be packing her bags and ringing around her party friends to see if someone has a spare room she can rent.

@MyFairGreenTurtle I remember going to house parties like that when I was 14. I'm astonished that it's a woman in her mid 20s.

The reason she is like this is bc you enable her, I know that bc you are asking if she should pay, as if that's even a question. She clearly has never had to deal with the consequences of her actions which is why she's 26 and acts like she's 16. If you don't kick her out after making her pay for the damages, you are doing her a disservice.

At 26 she should be old enough to respect your home and make sure her friends do the same. I would make her clear up as much as possible and pay for any damage which cannot be sorted through insurance or by just general cleaning. I also think you should up her rent or at least make sure she is saving for a deposit so she can move out in the next year or two. In the meantime I would be saying she cannot have friends home as they all treat your home like a cesspit. You need to worry less about her social life and more about raising her as a responsible adult who respects others property and is working towards financial independence.

Absolutely not! At your DD’s age there’s no excuse for behaving like a 13 year old who’s having her first sniff of alcohol and allowing people she has invited into her (and by extension your) home to be so utterly disrespectful, destructive and downright gross!

She now needs to clean up all of the mess - vomit, rubbish, stained sheets etc. Anything that requires professional cleaning eg sofa cushions she needs to take to the dry cleaners and foot the bill. Then she needs to do all the leg work/admin to find people to quote for and repair/replace the TV, hot tub, kitchen worktop and rehang/replace the damaged doors. It hopefully goes without saying that all the costs associated with this should also be entirely covered by your DD.

You need to very clearly set out your expectations to your DD tonight and agree next steps / the plan for remedying that you are happy with. If she so much as pulls a face at any of what you demand, give her a week’s notice to find somewhere else to live that her ‘friends’ can treat like a doss house!

I'm sure you'll come to an agreement of how she'll pay for the damage & help fix the house. However, at 26 I think she seriously needs to reflect on the company she keeps. Why did not anybody try to help clear up? Only 20 people you say but a shocking amount of carelessness.
People are taking advantage of your daughter (and you!) with your lovely home, hot tub and outdoor tv. It's sad but you have to make her learn her lesson.
She definitely has to clean all of it up especially the vomit. You have to have serious conversations and stop enabling her. It probably is time to move out and have responsibilities and live in the real world!

That, OP would be a sackable offence. Daughter or not.

If that were my child I would give them 60 days' notice to move out and I would STICK to it. Your daughter has ZERO respect for you or your home.

I would see if the insurance will cover it (doubtful but with a try if you have accidental damage cover). You will not get a cent back from your DD so your only alternative is to ensure it never happens again by forcing her to move out.

OP, she couldn't even be bothered to clean up the sick. That's not just irresponsible or youthful hijinks; she just doesn't care.

I would be giving her a deadline of April to move out. She has a job and few expenses so she can save for a rental deposit in that time. My guess is that she will cry and you'll probably not hold her to this, but I really think you should or she will do this again.

OP, I think you need to apply a little more cynicism here.

I work all over the world in consulting and I can tell you that there's very little call for immature 26 year-olds, without real world experience, to work permanently from home for themselves, doing ad hoc hours as they please, advising 'international clients' on the back of having a degree in business. Just think about it...

We do have 26(ish)yo consultants in our business but they've either cut their teeth as grads in multi-national businesses, or on the ground with senior consultants having completed their master's. And they're definitely not working permanently from home at that stage - they're constantly on the go working crazy hours at our clients' sites around the world.

This is outrageous. I would be raging, she would be paying for all the damage and sorting it out, and finding her own place at the same time. 26 is 10 years older than I'd have guessed if you hadn't mentioned her age, OP.

How dare she?! Sounds entitled and spoilt, and like some respect for you and your home is way overdue. This needs to be a serious and hard lesson for her, I'm astonished that you said ok to a party in the first place when she and her mates have form for causing damage.

Sorry doesn’t cut it. It’s unlikely she’ll be able to pay for all damage quickly but I’d cost it and get her repaying you monthly. I’d see if your insurance covers any of it.
I think this is time to say it’s time for her to move out and set a deadline for her to find a room in a flat share.

Never mind parties, I wouldn’t want any of those ‘friends’ visiting the house at all. Also agree that DD should be paying for all the damage. If she wants help to pay she should be going after the friends. I hope you took video or photo evidence of what you came home to.

OP she’s 26 , your treating her like a teenager … she needs to grown up and you need to stop treating her like a kid , she’s done£1000s of pounds damage, it’s so disrespectful.. she’s needs to learn The consequences of things. … My God, it sounds like you’ve brought up a spoiled brat

pizza boxes, sticky floors , dirty bedsheets and glasses and sick?

So she had not cleared all that up and scrubbed and tidied before you got back so at least all that is noticeable is the physical damage but everything else spic and span?

Does she wipe her feet on your faces when she enters and leaves your hotel I wonder ?

That's many 1000£s of damage.
She's getting a quote for ONE of the things? (the worktop) .
That's insane.
She owes you like £10k probably. At least 5k, I would think. We have a hot tub. They are not cheap. Hopefully it's repairable.
She thinks it's ok to have st apologize and get one quote?
I hope she organises everything and pays for everything. But it doesn't sound like you're at that point.
I also think she should have to move out but maybe pay you first or she won't be able to pay you
I would be so utterly livid I wouldn't even be buying her milk or tea at this point, op.

Agree with this. I’m afraid the OF suggestion seems very realistic. I think you need to wake up OP.

Wonder if there is any legal recourse in this circumstance.. against either her or the guests.

Well she’d be out of the house if she was my “D”d. You’ve clearly been far too lenient in the past and she doesn’t respect you or your home.

My teenagers had parties and everything was fine. We stayed at the house and just appeared when necessary. It was fun and we all enjoyed the party.Booze allowed but thankfully drugs were not a problem.

Er. No. It would be my absolute worst nightmare.
You should feel shame. What’s fun about any of it?

Sorry this is disgraceful. We used to have a lot of house parties in my teens as we lived in an area where there were lots of big houses with pools etc. At the end of the night my friends would clean up. Wash up. Mop the floors. Place left exactly as it was. And we were 14 to 17 years old.
When I was 26. All my friends had their own places, some with mortgages and starting families some with flat shares.
We still had parties and fun crazy nights dancing on tables and whatever but cleaned up afterwards and nothing got broken and smashed up.
You are enabling and infantalising her.

I went to a lot of parties in my younger days - late 90/s early 00's. As a teenager especially there were plenty of 'parents are away' parties, and sure stuff got spilt, people walked mud on carpet, noise control ordered us to shut down, etc. I can honestly say I never saw anyone just wreck stuff deliberately though.

Though I do remember one "parents are away" party which got so out of hand reporters turned up to the house. Some people who had stayed overnight let them in and gave an interview - the next day the parents, who were still away, saw a photo of a bunch of hungover teens in their lounge on the front page of the paper, so she got busted.