Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

[MyFairGreenTurtle]

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

Has she got a reasonably good job ? I think you should set up a monthly contribution into your bank account until a good chunk of it is paid back

I find it really hard to believe that at 26, not only is she so disrespectful and immature so are all her friends? A party of 20 26yos vomiting all over the house, breaking doors off their hinges and burning the carpet?! And she doesn't drink but loves to party and was so drunk she couldn't get people out of the house? ❄

Her job is an unspecified consultant, up all hours in the night consulting "International clients" (are these clients all male per chance?)

I'm not sure if OP is having us on or is just incredibly naive and a massive wet lettuce, but on the off chance it's real she needs to deal with the mess and move out. Clean up, get quotes, pay for it all. This is not a teenage party gone wrong, shes 26.

I’m so sorry to say OP but you have raised a brat.

Whatever her job is, it doesn’t sound legitimate. People with legitimate jobs aren’t evasive about what their roles actually are. Regardless.

I’m not blaming you, my own lovely parents raised 2 normal law abiding kids and then my brother who is a reprobate who would have behaved just like this and had to be forcibly evicted from their home in his late 20s where he had been leeching off them for years. He’d have done something like this at 26 for sure.

You must stop enabling her.

Do all these friends still live at home? Why are they behaving like this at 26? You say she had the same group of friends over at 21 and they trashed your garden. And it's a problem if any of them come around.

If they have trashed your place before why on earth did you agree to them coming over. Your original post didn't mention that your daughter was an irresponsible party animal. It sounds like none of them have any respect for you or your home. Ban her from ever having ANYONE over to your house ever again. If she wants to entertain at home, she hires somewhere that takes her credit card first

Sounds like you have been enabling this behaviour for some time.

I think you have and are being too passive in your parenting OP…. She should be running around the house right now tidying not giving you puppy dog eyes…

1. Any takeaway containers and rubbish go on to her bed
2. Send her a link to buy new bedsheets after yours had wine on it - the fact someone was on my bed would make be beyond furious- she has to buy them within 24 hours
3. Sit her down and tell her till all the damage is done and fixed paid for 100% by her she will be paying you x amount ( my head is thinking £500 per month but that might be too little)
4. once everything is done it’s time for her to grow up and move out and learn what it is to be an adult

Chuck her out, she won't be partying then, disrespectful if she was 16 but 26, that's embarrassing tbh

You've enabled an adult princess and in return, she and her friends trashed and vandalized your home and outside areas. Now you need a new sofa, new carpet, new dining room chair, new hot tub, new counter, new TV, rehang patio door, deep professional clean rooms with vomit, your daughter had better have some deep pockets to pay for her damage. It sounds like you're talking thousands.

Time for her to be chucked out of the nest. Too bad your neighbors didn't contact you or the police to shut that shit down.

Tearing up the reseeded lawn would have been it for me. She showed you then she has no respect for your home and property and you let her get away with it.

She needs to pay every last penny that this will cost to put right. Don't let her off the hook - it will be a valuable life lesson if she is irresponsible at 26! And she has to clean the place up, let's hope she has already done so, and you have not done it for her. I get the feeling you have mollycoddled her and cleared up after her generally. Don't do that this time. If she doesn't clean it well enough she will need to pay even more for professionals to do it. Don't be soft about this. I feel outraged on your behalf, how dare she?

Tell her you are booking into a hotel, or renting airbnb, while she gets all the damage professionally cleaned, replaced, and mended. She will be totally responsible for all your costs, including food, laundry etc.

If she refuses I would speak to the Police. If it is a civil matter take her to Court claiming all the costs.

I would be so, so hurt if one of mine did this, especially at her age. It shows a total lack of respect and consideration for you personally. Yeah, she needs to pay for the damage, but my main concern would be that at 26 years old she is still in “mum is a separate species who can take absolutely anything I do in her stride” mode and has no empathy for you as a fellow human being. She needs jolting out of that mindset and she has a lot of growing up to do. I wouldn’t hold back on how devastating you find this. She needs to see it.

OP you have enabled her and this is how she pas you.

Her ad hoc job and minimal board she pays means she doesn’t see herself as anything more than a kid playing at being an adult.

In your shoes, I’d be telling her she has to live somewhere else in the new year and I would sort out all the damages and present her with a bill for it all.If she won’t pay, I really think I would take her to the small claims court.

Her disrespect is astonishing and it’s time she grew up.

I feel that most 26yos aren't keen to slob around their friends parents houses, leaving takeaway rubbish everywhere and then trashing their parents house?

OP talks as if she's a teenager, but most 26yo are fairly established adults. Even if OP has creates some entitled monster in her DD, I just can't believe all of her friends behave this way too? As a teen if this had happened at a house party there would have been a good few people trying to clean it up, let alone by 26! Surely most 26yos would be horrified at leaving someone else's house in that state?

At 26? That’s insane! She must pay for the damage. Abd she needs to move out.

My DD had a NYE party at 17. We were out til about 1am and walked in to bedlam - people snogging all over, puke in a sink and on the fitted coir mat, total carnage.

However, friends helped clear up, one person stayed on the sofa as she was practically passed out and the next day her an DD cleared up the kitchen while dh and I went out for a fry up.

We replaced the mat but there wasn’t any other permanent damage.

Yes! Was thinking the same.

you’re a mug, OP. And she’s a pisstaker. What are you so guilty about that you’ve indulged her to this point? Is she an only child or something?

My 23-year-old just walked in, so I read her the damage and asked how old she thought the culprit was. She said, "13-17ish or my age and off their faces on coke and molly".

I'm inclined to agree.

You are sounding very naive here OP. Do you really believe that about her job? She needs to arrange for everything to be replaced / fixed and pay for this herself obviously. Then she either moves out or has a lot more respect and pays standard rent / bills. Currently she is taking the poss, and you are allowing it. She’s also on drugs.

Jesus. Christ.
If this is real, she's an absolute disgrace. She'd be paying every penny of it back and if she didn't cough up she'd be taken to small claims court.
She would also be without a doubt, looking for somewhere else to live. Maybe if she had to pay her own way, she might learn how to take care and pride in herself.
What a selfish spoilt little girl.
You need to find a spine. If I'd have done this at any age. My absolute best bet would have been to change my identity and flee the country cause my parents would have buried me under the patio I think.
But I would never have done this because I have respect for other people's things. I also don't have losers for friends.
Make her pay, get her out. Utterly disgusting. Crocodile tears and offering to help fine one quote? Ridiculous.

Not to mention the overall increase in premiums in general for the rest of us. Quite why an Insurance co should pay for deliberately careless / wilful damage I don’t know. And the daughter definitely shouldn’t be allowed to think that you can trash a house and take no responsibility because the insurance pays.

I haven't read through the whole thread but just wondering if anyone else is shamefully wishing they had gone to a party like this 😁

OP, this is horrible for you.

I would feel my home had been violated.

Honestly? I’d be telling her she needs to find somewhere else to live.

1. Only children stereotype - yawn.
2. If she is an only child why should the OP feel guilty about that?

Nope.

Sorry OP but the more I read the worse it gets.

Shes living at home at 26 and paying almost nothing. She should have thousands and thousands saved by now even if she were working minimum wage job. A fancy consultant job with international clients would pay a lot more than that.

She left uni five years ago ish? Where is all her money? She should be in a position to transfer you thousands upfront and get a loan for the rest.

She cried and that makes it okay? She has destroyed your home. “Help” get a quote? Is she for real?

I dont always like the whole “they’re 18 so they’re on their own” attitudes that you sometimes see but this is way too far the other way.

I don’t think you’re understanding how old she actually is. At 26 it wouldn’t be unusual at all for her to have her own home and children. She should be way beyond the teenage selfish stage.

Can you genuinely imagine yourself causing this amount of damage to another persons home and acting this way?

I am curious if her friends are much younger because I don’t even know where I would find an entire group of 26 year olds who act like this.

I actually think her reaction is way worse than the damage. She should have been mortified at what’s happened. She should be doing nothing but cleaning and ringing around for quotes. Is she genuinely just carrying on as normal? Is the mess all actually still there? She should be crawling around scrubbing the place.

Show her this thread OP. She is acting like a teenager.

If she’d hired a venue and trashed it this way, she’d be in a lot of trouble and liable for damage (not you), why shouldn’t this apply in your home? I can’t get my head around a 26yo behaving this way 🤷‍♀️ or was it a typo, you meant 16?