Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

[MyFairGreenTurtle]

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

I think you need to delve a little more into your daughter's work and her acquaintances. This sounds like a teen movie script. She sounds out of control - I can't imagine friends dragging chairs across a newly seeded garden let alone causing all the damage they did to your home. They must have been high as kites as well as drunk. At 26 she should be saving to buy her own apartment but her line of work sounds a bit off to be honest.

Only Fans

ETA - the post I replied to originally asked what OF was .

My money is on her “independent consulting” actually being Only Fans 😂

agree,i would have to ask what this is exactly tbh,she is treating you like crap , no respect.

She needs to pay for it and I would be asking her to move out

I’m literally in shock reading this , this is awful behaviour, 20 grown adults of that age being so disrespectful! My ds17 had a party with 60 friends round , a cupboard door had a dent in it that was it . And 4 of them tidied up the next day . Her behaviour is absolutely appalling

Do you mean 26 or is that a typo? 26 seems crazy that their friends would be stupid enough to cause that damage?! At 16 I might be more forgiving.

if she’s 26 tell her to give her head a wobble and that most people are starting to sort their life out by then not still, not only living with their parents but destroying their house?! Get a grip

Why would you claim on your insurance and face an increase in premiums - 100% of the costs fall to your DD to pay.

Definitely time for her to leave and get her own place.

I doubt the insurance will pay out. A neighbour's teenage party got out of hand and caused £70k worth of damage and they couldn't claim a penny on insurance!

About time she learns to be responsible and to have some firm boundaries! Having friends around and them all leaving empty glasses and take away boxes around is unacceptable. It’s actually disrespectful to you, to your house. If my DC did this to me, I would 100% make her pay for the damage caused and not allow her to have ANY friends arounds since they are “too tired” to clean after themselves!
It looks like you have been way too soft with her.

So very sorry OP, it's a harsh lesson but personally I would have to charge her for the damages. She has to accept the consequences of her actions which in this case was not monitoring her friend's behaviour.

I do feel for you. I'll never forget how shocked I was the morning after my daughter's 16th birthday garden party - little bastards had actually burnt the wooden garden furniture.

I’m a pushover OP and I just couldn’t put up with this. I don’t know how I’d feel about DC doing that to me.

I’d feel violated. The sick, especially. I really feel for you.

I'll bet.

So how much does she pay for board monthly or weekly?

The increase in premiums was the first thing that came to my mind.

Sorry OP but "Independant consultantancy work" sounds like bullshit. I also think drugs have been involved as this is not normal behavior from a bunch of 26 year olds.

Chuck her out. Perhaps you can claim off your house insurance.

Just seen that she pays minimal amounts towards groceries with your agreement.

That's me out of here. I have Zero sympathy now. You created this yourself.

Oh dear god, I feel sick reading this. I cannot believe how your daughter has acted at that age. It's awful. I'd make her pay back every penny and give her a deadline to move out!

I would be absolutely livid.

I’d also be clarifying exactly what her job is, have to admit I’m also a little sceptical about her claims. However if it is as she says, along with the fact she barely pays to live in the house, paying for the damage shouldn’t take more than a few months (if she has no savings). Then time to move out.

Time for her to get her own place to wreck i think! I would never have dreamed of doing this even as a teenager! Although some of my stupider friends did. She absolutely needs to pay for ALL the damage!

To be fair, my mum doesn't know what my job entails because she doesn't understand it (cloud technician). She keeps telling people I work for Amazon.

Although the lack of regular hours, the drugs, partying, and lack of immaturity and nighttime computer sessions point more to OF than freelance consultancy.

I've never been in your situation, so I don't know which would come first, shaking DD down for every last penny or telling her to sling her hook. What I do know is that I was left at home on my own for a week when I was 17 because I didn't want to go on holiday with my family. It was just me and the cat and no problems at all. As a student, I went to a few house parties - there were no issues that I was aware of and even some compliments about what nice young people we were. Young people are not necessarily feckless and careless, but some choose to be and your DD is one of them. She is well-overdue for a kick up the backside and it will come as a rude shock to her, but not as much as the state of your house was to you. You know, and she must realise, that the coddling has to end and she has to grow up.

I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position, but I’m afraid I just couldn’t forgive this level of disrespect towards you and your home. It would be the last straw for me, she would have to sort the whole mess out, then be gone! At 26 there’s just no excuse for it.

I’d book a couple of days away, at her expense, and tell her that all the damage needs to put put right before your return

I would be telling her she needs to take out a loan to cover every bit of the cost of this, or move out immediately.
She's an absolute disgrace.
26 and allowed her home to be thrashed.
Not normal at all, but she has form for zero respect for her home.
She has a fool made of you.
I have adult kids and this is not normal behaviour.