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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I do all the housework because I have no job?

165 replies

lulu55xxx · 13/12/2025 19:48

Five months ago I left my job because my mental health was a mess.
My partner has a full time job.
Now I’ve been contributing exactly the same as when I had a job as I had savings (made sure I had enough to support myself)if anything I pay more than my partner.
Since I have no job he does nothing now and says I have to do it all.
I do all the cooking ,cleaning ,washing ,shopping.
He will get in from work and just throw his clothes where he stands.
Last week I wasn’t well and didn’t tidy as much and he made feel awful about it,said it was my job and I should be doing it all.
If I’m knackered one day and I just ask him to make me a cuppa he won’t or if he has to put the bin out he will kick off about it.
He hasn’t made a cup of tea since I left my job.
Hes been speaking to me horribly if o dare ask him to do anything (like change cat litter )
”I have a job you don’t,you need to do everything”
I was ill last week and he just watched me do everything (on the two days he was off )
Hes a total different person outside,kind and nice to people ,always helping people but he’s totally different with me now.
The way he has spoke to me lately has been horrible.
Its like he now sees me as his slave and that’s all I’m good for.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 14/12/2025 10:04

I don't have a job, and I do the housework, because that's a part of my contribution, as I see it.

If my husband treated myself and my contribution with such disrespect, I'd be doing 7/8's of fuck all. And terminating our joint household.

Lifereallyisajourney · 14/12/2025 10:06

NoSoupForU · 13/12/2025 19:51

If my husband didn't work I'd expect him to do all the housework.

But I think your issue is more how he treats you. He sounds vile.

If the partner was paying for everything then I'd say yeah she probably should have most of the household cleaning duties as such but her partner doesn't..... OP still pays what she normally pays and now she's doing extra cleaning on top. It's not like he's paying for her to not work

NoSoupForU · 14/12/2025 18:11

Lifereallyisajourney · 14/12/2025 10:06

If the partner was paying for everything then I'd say yeah she probably should have most of the household cleaning duties as such but her partner doesn't..... OP still pays what she normally pays and now she's doing extra cleaning on top. It's not like he's paying for her to not work

Show quote history

But it isn't about finances, it's surely about time? If one person has a lot more free time than the other then of course it makes practical and logical sense for them to pick up the housework.

bridezillaincoming · 14/12/2025 23:28

Sounds like he wants a mummy not a partner 🙄 fuck that!

XenoBitch · 15/12/2025 10:50

NoSoupForU · 14/12/2025 18:11

But it isn't about finances, it's surely about time? If one person has a lot more free time than the other then of course it makes practical and logical sense for them to pick up the housework.

Show quote history

OP is paying more towards bills, and is expected to run around after her partner when he is home.

This is not about time or money. This is about her partner being an asshole.

wordywitch · 15/12/2025 10:57

I haven’t worked in a few months either and my DH works full time. I do more of the housework, admin, laundry, and shopping now but he still does the dishwasher, bins, cooking, and anything else I ask for assistance with at the weekend. I’m not his maid or his mother, I’m his partner. Sounds like your DH views you only as someone he can get something from, how sad.

NoSoupForU · 15/12/2025 11:54

XenoBitch · 15/12/2025 10:50

OP is paying more towards bills, and is expected to run around after her partner when he is home.

This is not about time or money. This is about her partner being an asshole.

Show quote history

I literally said the issue is how he treats her and he sounds vile.

But my relationship is good and healthy, so it would be quite normal that we'd want each other to have equitable time and money, and generally be able to enjoy the time we have together.

schoolfriend · 15/12/2025 12:00

As a general principal I think h/w is done relative to how much spare time you have. So in your situation I would expect to do more if I had more time. It would feel weird to me for my DP to come home from a day at work and have to do the laundry if I'd been home all day. However, your relationship sounds dysfunctional and he sounds awful. Why are you with him?

Lifereallyisajourney · 15/12/2025 12:21

NoSoupForU · 14/12/2025 18:11

But it isn't about finances, it's surely about time? If one person has a lot more free time than the other then of course it makes practical and logical sense for them to pick up the housework.

Show quote history

But that isn't the case here and even then that's not fair. Why should someone only contribute half financially and zero household wise? And another person contribute half financially andn100% household chores? How is that fair?

The OP has is using her savings to pay for her time off work. She's losing out on money every month ( money shes saved and missed out on things to save ) and the time she could be spent recovering she's not expected to cover her partners share of household chores. When is she meant to spend her time recovering exactly when all the stress of the household now falls onto her?

NoSoupForU · 15/12/2025 12:34

Lifereallyisajourney · 15/12/2025 12:21

But that isn't the case here and even then that's not fair. Why should someone only contribute half financially and zero household wise? And another person contribute half financially andn100% household chores? How is that fair?

The OP has is using her savings to pay for her time off work. She's losing out on money every month ( money shes saved and missed out on things to save ) and the time she could be spent recovering she's not expected to cover her partners share of household chores. When is she meant to spend her time recovering exactly when all the stress of the household now falls onto her?

Show quote history

I don't know what other people's households are like so I can only speak for my own. Where's the stress? We don't have children, we don't live like pigs. The place is generally tidy and whichever of us has more time picks up more of the cleaning, laundry etc. It takes about an hour, maybe 2, a day to really go at it and prep dinner.

Christmascaketime · 15/12/2025 12:38

Ditch him and I bet your MH improves. No one should be speaking to you like that.

JHound · 15/12/2025 12:44

I would expect you to do more as you have more leisure time. But he sounds awful. I would make him be my ex.

NowThatsWhatICallRecent · 15/12/2025 12:53

It's not really about the housework - the way he is treating you is vile.

Broadly speaking, the non-working person in a couple should be doing most of the housework, but if they are unwell or other unusual circumstances arise, the working person should step up without complaint.

Taking responsibility for the housework doesn't mean waiting on your partner hand and foot while they don't lift a finger. Your partner should still take his share of things like making cups of tea, keeping his own things tidy, doing other housework if there's more to do than usual, doing things when they're on his way, e.g. collecting dirty cups if he happens to be going into the kitchen.

You haven't become his servant just because you have left your job.

Summeriscumin · 15/12/2025 12:54

Please leave this awful man.

Caterpillar1 · 15/12/2025 13:16

It's hard to express an opinion when we know only 1 side of the story.
Maybe he comes home everyday and there is no dinner and the house is a total mess. That would make me angry, too, if my spouse was at home the whole day doing nothing. Why don't you just get any short-term job, in a bakery or a pizzeria, if you simply don't like housework or don't feel like doing anything at home. Or hire somebody to do it, cause that's obviously a problem.

MyAmusedPearlSquid · 15/12/2025 13:47

Your still contributing etc so I think he's being unreasonable and his attitude stinks which is the bigger issue here I wouldn't even stay with him

honeylulu · 15/12/2025 14:08

It's not just the money, it's that you are more time rich. So I think in general the person who has a lot more free time should do more of the chores (though not all).

But there are nuances to that.

If you are ill, your free time is reduced because it affects your ability to do chores.
Neither does it entitle the working partner to do nothing at all.
Expecting you to pick up after them is just insulting. My children get pretty short shrift for doing that. However busy you are, if you make a mess you clear it up. If you dump something down, you tidy it up.

Do you think there is more behind his nasty attitude? Do you think he's worried you'll never work again, your savings will run out and he'll be lumbered with paying for everything and doing the chores as well? So he's trying to send you a message that he won't accept that. Would be much easier if he just used his words though!

GreenGiant167 · 15/12/2025 14:11

I think you should certainly be doing more than him, you don’t work. You’ve got 40 hours more a week than he does. I don’t think he should get to abdicate all responsibilities so maybe he could be in charge of the bins and obviously he should be taking all his clothes to the wash basket. However, you’ve got more time so you should be doing more. It can always be reviewed once you start working again.

Walker1178 · 15/12/2025 14:43

A shared home needs both money and time spent on it and I believe both partners should contribute equally. That doesn’t necessarily mean a 50/50 split of everything but if you’re doing that for the financials then you should take the same approach towards the housework!

Im pretty sure becoming someone’s servant is not on the list of things recommended to improve MH.Id be petty enough to take a new job working long hours and then tell him he needs to pick up the slack at home.

cramptramp · 15/12/2025 14:49

He sounds horrible. But I’m not working and I do all the housework because my OH is at work. But doing all the housework doesn’t mean he treats me like a maid.

JLou08 · 15/12/2025 14:54

I've been out of work and did the majority of the housework. I wasn't made to feel like a slave though and there was times DH would pick up the slack if I was ill. I'd expect the same if my DH was out of work, regardless of the financial contribution it's about a partnership and the person not working has much more time. He shouldn't be treating you so poorly though. It sounds like he is very resentful about you not working.
How long will your savings last? Can he cover all the bills when you run out? Would he be willing too? You may need to start planning how you will manage alone or even making plans to leave now. You may be better off financially if you are alone as his income wouldn't reduce benefit entitlement. It sounds like he has lost respect for you and that isn't going to be any good for a relationship or for you, especially when you have mental illness to deal with.

XWKD · 15/12/2025 14:55

You should do most of the housework if you're able. The problem here is he wants you to be his servant.

nightmarepickle2025 · 15/12/2025 14:57

I hope you don’t have kids with him, and are using at least two methods of contraception

hyggetyggedotorg · 15/12/2025 14:59

I do think it’s fair for the non working partner to do most of the housework most of the time, yes. That said, why is any adult just “throwing his clothes where he stands” and not considering the fact that there will be days you can’t do much due to your physical health.

I do work again now, but I have heart failure & there are weeks where I just work & sleep. I’ve also had a lot of time not working in the past couple of years due to ill health. During that time, DH did most of the household jobs because I wasn’t physically able.

It’s supposed to be a partnership.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 15/12/2025 15:46

If you were both happy with old fashioned traditional roles fair enough. However, your are still paying so that's not the case.
You need to get another job and leave.