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Original poster

Should I do all the housework because I have no job?

165 replies

lulu55xxx · 13/12/2025 19:48

Five months ago I left my job because my mental health was a mess.
My partner has a full time job.
Now I’ve been contributing exactly the same as when I had a job as I had savings (made sure I had enough to support myself)if anything I pay more than my partner.
Since I have no job he does nothing now and says I have to do it all.
I do all the cooking ,cleaning ,washing ,shopping.
He will get in from work and just throw his clothes where he stands.
Last week I wasn’t well and didn’t tidy as much and he made feel awful about it,said it was my job and I should be doing it all.
If I’m knackered one day and I just ask him to make me a cuppa he won’t or if he has to put the bin out he will kick off about it.
He hasn’t made a cup of tea since I left my job.
Hes been speaking to me horribly if o dare ask him to do anything (like change cat litter )
”I have a job you don’t,you need to do everything”
I was ill last week and he just watched me do everything (on the two days he was off )
Hes a total different person outside,kind and nice to people ,always helping people but he’s totally different with me now.
The way he has spoke to me lately has been horrible.
Its like he now sees me as his slave and that’s all I’m good for.

OP posts:
Ophy83 · 13/12/2025 20:30

You're off work for your mental health and he's treating you like that?! He sounds awful. And it's not even just doing the normal housework, he's creating extra work for you. I think your health might improve more quickly without him

ForFunGoose · 13/12/2025 20:30

Absolutely not.
No able bodied adult should have another person tidy up after them or expect to be ‘looked after’. Relationships should be equal give take.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/12/2025 20:31

It’s clear from your op precisely why your mental health is in tatters. For some utterly unfathomable reason you are choosing to remain in a relationship with a cunt.

Octavia64 · 13/12/2025 20:32

ShesTheAlbatross · 13/12/2025 20:00

So if a woman earns less than her partner, should she do more of the housework to compensate?

Maybe you do think that. I do not.

Show quote history

That doesn’t follow at all from what I said,

for what it’s worth as you’ve raised this I think there are a lot of factors that impact what is a “fair” share of housework including but not limited to:

disability
caring for children
caring for other relatives eg elderly parents
ability and willingness to outsource work to cleaners/housekeepers etc.
money
free time

it certainly isn’t the case that I think that housework should be split by the reverse of income - in my case I am severely disabled and unable to physically do most of it. Most of it is outsourced and very little is done by me.

Walkden · 13/12/2025 20:33

"Why? OP is contributing to the bills same as she always did. Why is she now responsible for being a servant to a perfectly competent adult?"

A pretty common approach on household chores sahm. Threads etc is to arrange things so both partners have similar amounts of free time....

Octavia64 · 13/12/2025 20:38

lulu55xxx · 13/12/2025 20:13

From day 14 of my cycle I’m in so much pain which doesn’t help.
Ive got endometriosis on my bowel and womb so I get really bad pain even when it’s not time of the month …then the sertraline hasn’t helped I don’t think.
Its just been a crappy few months.

Endo is very unpleasant.

there are things that are worth trying that might help. It’s very individual to the person so you often have to work yourself into way through a few.

personally I used the depo injection and then the implant which meant I didn’t have periods. It prevented a lot of the pain.

they are quite long lasting though so you might want to try pill/mini pill first.

also mefenamic acid is a painkiller that is very effective for endo that your gp can prescribe.

have you had/are you on the list for a Lap? Burning it all off made such a difference to my life.

snackatack · 13/12/2025 20:40

I would ask him to pay you - for the 50% of the jobs you ae now doing.
You do the same 50% you have always done but - no - not all of them.

nomas · 13/12/2025 20:43

Please dump him.

What is the housing situation?

Papyrophile · 13/12/2025 20:46

While you don't work, the burdens of making your household work fall to you. The financial burden is (hopefully temporarily) his. So yes, it's down to you to cook, clean and do laundry, and do all the reading and homework extension exercises with your children.

Catladywithoutacat · 13/12/2025 20:48

He’s horrible and has no right to speak to you when you’re down you are doing more if you’re still paying half. He should be paying more 70% since he is working an you aren’t

Mumtobabyhavoc · 13/12/2025 20:48

@lulu55xxx Your DP is a manipulative, emotionally abusive, controlling prick. And he's gas-lighted you into thinking you have to do everything at home, that you can't do anything right, criticizes you about your appearance and shows nothing but contempt for you.

Please, please, please end it now.

lazyarse123 · 13/12/2025 20:48

SchoolDilemma17 · 13/12/2025 20:05

Why are you knackered if you don’t work.

Don't be a twat. There's all sorts of reasons for being being tired. You sound like the partner.

Pallisers · 13/12/2025 20:49

It is not a new job you need OP.

Alpacajigsaw · 13/12/2025 20:49

Papyrophile · 13/12/2025 20:46

While you don't work, the burdens of making your household work fall to you. The financial burden is (hopefully temporarily) his. So yes, it's down to you to cook, clean and do laundry, and do all the reading and homework extension exercises with your children.

Is this a pisstake? It’s hard to tell on here sometimes!

gamerchick · 13/12/2025 20:50

Papyrophile · 13/12/2025 20:46

While you don't work, the burdens of making your household work fall to you. The financial burden is (hopefully temporarily) his. So yes, it's down to you to cook, clean and do laundry, and do all the reading and homework extension exercises with your children.

Excellent. OP, tell him that you're not paying 50/50 financially anymore. It's his job.

ThatGladTiger · 13/12/2025 20:51

There is a big difference between doing more housework than being a maid.

He takes his clothes off and leaves them
on the floor for you to pick up? Won’t even make you a cup of tea?

You know what you need to do OP!

Portakalkedi · 13/12/2025 20:51

Sounds awful OP. I'd be planning to get out if I were you. He has no respect for you.

RitaFromThePitCanteen · 13/12/2025 20:52

No wonder your mental health is so bad, when you have a partner who treats you with utter contempt. I would be actively working to get away from him and his emotional abuse.

SandyY2K · 13/12/2025 20:55

lulu55xxx · 13/12/2025 20:06

Next year it’s going to be a case of getting any job and then getting back to 50/50 I hope.
We have been together 5 years now and the first year he was a different person.
Then some of the nasty words would creep in.
He always wants me to say sorry
Even when I don’t think I’ve said anything wrong.
I think the way he is sometimes contributes to how I’m feeling.
Today I had no make up on and just I was about to go to the bin a random person walked past so I kind of stepped back till he had gone and just as I did this partner came back from work..
Face like thunder,what you doing ?
I explained and all he said was ..ridiculous nobody cares ,suppose you want me to put this in the bin whilst you hide
It was just the way he said it

He sounds abusive..sorry.
Men like him blame their partner for everything.

If this is how he is when you're still contributing financially..imagine his he would be if you weren't.

I'm sure he is also contributing to the state of your mental health.

Branster · 13/12/2025 20:56

It's not a question of division of labour here.
Not even about the financial contribution.
The problem is that he does not respect you as a human being and he does not care for you.
What type if people leave their clothes on the floor where they took them off? Even is they had a paid cleaner/housekeeper? Lack of respect and behaviour of a slob not to put them in the laundry basket as a minimum.
What kind of heartless person does not a make a drink for someone who is unwell? That's just cruel. He should be making you a cup of tea without being asked. He should be looking after you when you are unwell like any normal human being.
He is unkind and thinks you're worthless.
Don't waste a minute more with this man.

JustWantsSomeSleep · 13/12/2025 21:00

Your partner is a pig. The way he is treating you is disgusting. It’s abusive.

XanLovesHaribo · 13/12/2025 21:01

Octavia64 · 13/12/2025 19:51

If you are still putting in 50:50 on finances then housework is still 50:50

Is that how it's meant to work? Because I put in maybe 25% of finances, but we still do 50/50 on housework.

Endofyear · 13/12/2025 21:02

OP I think your mental health would improve immeasurably if you weren't in an abusive relationship where your partner treats you like shit. Please look into finding a way to leave. You won't get better with a partner who treats you this way.

AvocadoJam · 13/12/2025 21:04

The issue is not the sharing of housework

The issue is your partner is a pig who has no respect for you

Fleur405 · 13/12/2025 21:06

The phrase leave the bastard springs to mind.

Honestly he’s an absolute scumbag. He doesn’t support you financially (or emotionally despite your medical issues) and he doesn’t do anything at home. So what exactly does he do other than make you unhappy? You will be much better off without him.