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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I do all the housework because I have no job?

165 replies

lulu55xxx · 13/12/2025 19:48

Five months ago I left my job because my mental health was a mess.
My partner has a full time job.
Now I’ve been contributing exactly the same as when I had a job as I had savings (made sure I had enough to support myself)if anything I pay more than my partner.
Since I have no job he does nothing now and says I have to do it all.
I do all the cooking ,cleaning ,washing ,shopping.
He will get in from work and just throw his clothes where he stands.
Last week I wasn’t well and didn’t tidy as much and he made feel awful about it,said it was my job and I should be doing it all.
If I’m knackered one day and I just ask him to make me a cuppa he won’t or if he has to put the bin out he will kick off about it.
He hasn’t made a cup of tea since I left my job.
Hes been speaking to me horribly if o dare ask him to do anything (like change cat litter )
”I have a job you don’t,you need to do everything”
I was ill last week and he just watched me do everything (on the two days he was off )
Hes a total different person outside,kind and nice to people ,always helping people but he’s totally different with me now.
The way he has spoke to me lately has been horrible.
Its like he now sees me as his slave and that’s all I’m good for.

OP posts:
TheTaupeScroller · 13/12/2025 20:08

It's irrelevant if you should or not, the main thing is that your partner should NOT treat you like shit. Under any circumstances.

Hes been speaking to me horribly
time to move on.

arcticpandas · 13/12/2025 20:09

SchoolDilemma17 · 13/12/2025 20:05

Why are you knackered if you don’t work.

Says someone who has suffered from depression.🙄

outerspacepotato · 13/12/2025 20:09

Once you quit, you became vulnerable to abusive treatment. Your partner now thinks that because you don't work, you're not just the maid and cook and housekeeper, you're his slave. He treats you as though you are less than him. This is not a relationship of equals. I can't see how slaving for him doesn't affect your mental health more than your job.

Get another job and get out.

butternut123 · 13/12/2025 20:10

If one person doesn’t work I agree they should do the majority, but I disagree with the way he is speaking with you and making demands. I work PT and I do all of what you’ve listed because my DH works insane hours. Yet he appreciates it, we work as a team, we’re both happy with this set up and he’s respectful and doesn’t leave a mess, drop hai clothes everywhere, clears his plates etc.

angelcake20 · 13/12/2025 20:10

I have no job and do all the housework. He’s lovely to me all the time, pays for everything and behaves like a civilised being. This is not a partnership.

Fearfulsaints · 13/12/2025 20:11

I think m he shkukd be helping you with your mental health. So doing loving things like making a cup of tea for you, and checking you rested

My dh did nothing when he was off with mental health issues. I look after him. I did all the cooking, cleaning, chikdcare and worked. He wasnt well.

If you feel well enough to fo some housework you probably shoukd as it might help with routine and recovery.

But no adult shoukd have a serf picking up clothes for them. Being tidy and respectful is adult life.

MidnightSunGazer · 13/12/2025 20:11

SchoolDilemma17 · 13/12/2025 20:05

Why are you knackered if you don’t work.

There could be any number of reasons. I didn’t work when I was heavily pregnant/had a small child but I was still exhausted. Some mental health conditions and/or medication can cause fatigue. Even reading about this man is making me tired and I’ve only cleaned the bathroom.

Original poster
lulu55xxx · 13/12/2025 20:12

I’ve stated taking sertraline to hopefully help my mental health but at the minute it’s making me feel like crap.
I really want to get back to work next year

OP posts:
Original poster
lulu55xxx · 13/12/2025 20:13

From day 14 of my cycle I’m in so much pain which doesn’t help.
Ive got endometriosis on my bowel and womb so I get really bad pain even when it’s not time of the month …then the sertraline hasn’t helped I don’t think.
Its just been a crappy few months.

OP posts:
Lotsofsnacks · 13/12/2025 20:15

Octavia64 · 13/12/2025 19:51

If you are still putting in 50:50 on finances then housework is still 50:50

Yes this!!

QuirkyMoose · 13/12/2025 20:16

Endometriosis aside, you said that you've been together with your partner for 5 years the first year he was great and then after that he slowly been treating you like crap, not just now and again, but pretty much all the time, and even though you are not actually physically at work you are still contributing 50/50 or maybe even a little more than 50% of the Bill's income from your savings? And because you physically aren't leaving the house, even though you're off because of medical reasons, he's decided that he will not lift a single finger to do anything for you because you do not leave the house to go to work there for even though you are contributing to the household income, you are 100% responsible for household chores? Yeah that doesn't sound great now does it? And honestly, you should be rethinking this relationship. Because if by some miracle you do manage to get pregnant with him, you're going to be stuck with this a in your life forever whether you divorce them or not, you're going to be stuck with them so, maybe just skip that whole step and consider not being a part of this relationship if he's going to continue treating you like crap

MayaPinion · 13/12/2025 20:19

If you weren’t working I’d be expecting you to do most of the cooking and cleaning. It’s not just about the money, it’s about parity of free time. If you’re at home all day why should he have to come home from work and start making tea? Your partner has lost respect for you. He may be anxious about paying the bills long term, or be visioning a future where he has to ‘keep’ you - nothing wrong with that but both parties need to be in enthusiastic agreement. He may be missing your work conversations or your energy and ambition. He may feel this situation is not what he signed up for when you became a couple. Did he agree with you giving up work?

That said, he is treating you very badly and you are in a vulnerable position unless you have a lot of savings.

GooseyGandalf · 13/12/2025 20:19

I think you need to get away from him @lulu55xxx

And you will probably find your MH improving if you do.

Can we help you make a plan?

Smartiepants79 · 13/12/2025 20:19

If I was at home all week and my DH was working full time the I’d expect to do the majority of the housework.
However, I would not expect to be spoken to so disrespectfully and with so little love.
How long are you going to be able to not work?? Did he agree with you giving up work?

TheCosyViewer · 13/12/2025 20:20

I would think you could probably get a lot of housework/errands done during the day but once your DP is home, he should do his bit with tidying away after meals, tidying his own stuff, making tea if he wants a cup, etc. Same at weekends. He is out of order just dumping his clothes on the floor and if I were you, I’d refuse to do any laundry for him. Gather up his clothes from the floor and toss them in a basket and leave them there.

Though he seems to have no respect for you so gave a good think about whether you really want a future with him.

gamerchick · 13/12/2025 20:21

If he was paying all the expenses then yes. But running the house, does not mean picking up after another adult. So you still wouldn't be doing everything.

If you're still tipping up half then hand the lazy fucker his arse.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 13/12/2025 20:21

He's a fucking arsehole. Tell him to fuck off. Disclaimer - I am pissed.

Redburnett · 13/12/2025 20:21

He's a bully.

Owly11 · 13/12/2025 20:21

Urgh did you know he was an obnoxious cunt before you left your job? At least you know now.

Freeme31 · 13/12/2025 20:22

Deduct house services from what you put into the pot

ReplacementBusService · 13/12/2025 20:23

Is your mental health a mess because your partner is an arsehole? If I wasn't working I would do most of the housework, but for a man who acted like this, I would not want to be in the same house as him in the first place.

FuzzyWolf · 13/12/2025 20:25

He’s the issue here. You’re contributing 50/50 and have an ongoing health issue.

Octavia64 · 13/12/2025 20:27

MumOryLane · 13/12/2025 19:57

Aye right! As if you'd ever say that to a woman!

Show quote history

i assumed this was a woman.

why do you feel I (shouldn’t/wouldn’t) say that to a woman?

genuinely baffled

EmeraldDreams73 · 13/12/2025 20:27

This isn't about housework. This is about the fact that this dickhead thinks he's entitled to treat you like shit now you're not working. Despite you still paying 50/50!

I'd certainly expect whoever wasn't working to do more housework/chores than the one who was. However! This is NOT what's happening here, he's using it as an excuse to be a bully and a nasty bastard. I'd be astonished if being with this idiot isn't wrecking your mh, it sure will eventually.

I'm sorry you suffer so much with the endo, my dd has it and it's dreadful. The only way she can cope is taking the mini pill every day without a break. Please do NOT have kids with this loser if you haven't already. He will bully you relentlessly. You deserve better. 💐

Pineapplewaves · 13/12/2025 20:30

Yes - I’m a SAHM and I do most of the housework which I think is fair as both DC are at school now and DP works full time.

However, DP wouldn’t expect me to do anything if I was unwell, he does make me drinks and snacks and he does tidy up after himself, does his own ironing, house and car maintenance etc.

Your problem is your DP and how he treats you. I’d be using my savings to leave if I were you…..