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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I do all the housework because I have no job?

165 replies

lulu55xxx · 13/12/2025 19:48

Five months ago I left my job because my mental health was a mess.
My partner has a full time job.
Now I’ve been contributing exactly the same as when I had a job as I had savings (made sure I had enough to support myself)if anything I pay more than my partner.
Since I have no job he does nothing now and says I have to do it all.
I do all the cooking ,cleaning ,washing ,shopping.
He will get in from work and just throw his clothes where he stands.
Last week I wasn’t well and didn’t tidy as much and he made feel awful about it,said it was my job and I should be doing it all.
If I’m knackered one day and I just ask him to make me a cuppa he won’t or if he has to put the bin out he will kick off about it.
He hasn’t made a cup of tea since I left my job.
Hes been speaking to me horribly if o dare ask him to do anything (like change cat litter )
”I have a job you don’t,you need to do everything”
I was ill last week and he just watched me do everything (on the two days he was off )
Hes a total different person outside,kind and nice to people ,always helping people but he’s totally different with me now.
The way he has spoke to me lately has been horrible.
Its like he now sees me as his slave and that’s all I’m good for.

OP posts:
Whatwerewetalkingabout · 13/12/2025 21:27

vitalityvix · 13/12/2025 21:22

Absolutely. If OP is spending over 40 hours per week on housework, the remaining hours should be shared equally over the weekend or in evenings. However, I’m not sure I know anyone that averages almost 6 hours per day on housework!

Show quote history

I mean she is off work because of her mental health so I'm assuming she may not be capable of doing 40hrs housework? If she's paying her own way whilst off sick why should she have to do 40hrs of chores? If I'm off work sick with the flu my husband doesn't expect an 8hr day of chores out of me.

godmum56 · 13/12/2025 21:30

usual question from me. Why do you stay?

Papyrophile · 13/12/2025 21:31

Mental health issues do not mean that you can't see and sort dirt in your house. I have generally found that cleaning is a good way to make life feel better. Sparling windows lift my mood.

MidnightSunGazer · 13/12/2025 21:33

Papyrophile · 13/12/2025 21:24

I did scan the first few messages, and became infuriated on behalf of the OP, so I weighed in. I've read more now, and my opinion is shifting to a view that this is a cultural diversity issue. In which case, I am absolutely not going to post what I really think. I'll stick to the polite version.

Why is the race/ethnicity/culture relevant to the facts?

XenoBitch · 13/12/2025 21:34

Papyrophile · 13/12/2025 21:31

Mental health issues do not mean that you can't see and sort dirt in your house. I have generally found that cleaning is a good way to make life feel better. Sparling windows lift my mood.

It does. At my worst I can't even clean myself let alone my surroundings. Every simple task is like crawling through mud.

MidnightSunGazer · 13/12/2025 21:36

Papyrophile · 13/12/2025 21:31

Mental health issues do not mean that you can't see and sort dirt in your house. I have generally found that cleaning is a good way to make life feel better. Sparling windows lift my mood.

Mental health crisis in the UK is solved, then. With Windolene. Who knew?

MidnightSunGazer · 13/12/2025 21:38

XenoBitch · 13/12/2025 21:34

It does. At my worst I can't even clean myself let alone my surroundings. Every simple task is like crawling through mud.

Show quote history

Me too - it’s used up all my energy cleaning my teeth and putting a wash on at my lowest.

notatinydancer · 13/12/2025 21:40

Papyrophile · 13/12/2025 20:46

While you don't work, the burdens of making your household work fall to you. The financial burden is (hopefully temporarily) his. So yes, it's down to you to cook, clean and do laundry, and do all the reading and homework extension exercises with your children.

She’s still paying half.

incognitomummy · 13/12/2025 21:42

Hang on so you are paying in exactly what you paid in before, but out of your savings, and he is acting like you should be his mother and hanging on his every word?
wow. LTB.

what a dick.

even if you were not contributing financially I would think what a dick. Who does he think he is!?
ltb. He is not good for your MH

ChocolateCinderToffee · 13/12/2025 21:43

We don't need to look far to see the real cause of your mental health problems, OP.

Get rid of him.

notatinydancer · 13/12/2025 22:01

@lulu55xxxwhat’s going to happen when your savings run out ? What if you can’t get a job?

XenoBitch · 13/12/2025 22:03

notatinydancer · 13/12/2025 22:01

@lulu55xxxwhat’s going to happen when your savings run out ? What if you can’t get a job?

I was wondering the same. He will get worse.

Eyeshadow · 13/12/2025 22:50

XenoBitch · 13/12/2025 21:21

Yes, because people that are not working are sat watching day time TV all day and living in filth.

Why should she be treated like a skivvy once he is home? And on the weekend?

Show quote history

No one should be treated like a skivvy and his behaviour is awful.

But OP has 8+ hours every day and had done for 5 months and it’s shocking that the housework and cooking etc isn’t done in that time.

I hope this is a reverse as I think a lot of posters would have a very different opinion if it turns out it’s the DH who hasn’t worked for 5 months.

2catsandhappy · 13/12/2025 22:57

He is abusing your mental and physical unwellness. What a horrible person to do that.
Are you tied together through a shared rental contract or a mortgage @lulu55xxx ?
He has changed the relationship, strutting around like billy big bollox taking advantage of your emotional low.

Now that you cannot 'unsee' this new vile side of him, will you be considering your options in the New Year @lulu55xxx ?
I will cross my fingers that your savings stretch to moving out. Needn't be a whole flat or house. Shared house and shared bills might be the way forward.

He won't get better or behave nicer or act like a partner. It gets worse once abusers get a taste of the power. For this is what is happening. A power trip for his ego. Next it will be snapping his fingers and 'fetch my drink', infront of guests.

XenoBitch · 13/12/2025 23:04

Eyeshadow · 13/12/2025 22:50

No one should be treated like a skivvy and his behaviour is awful.

But OP has 8+ hours every day and had done for 5 months and it’s shocking that the housework and cooking etc isn’t done in that time.

I hope this is a reverse as I think a lot of posters would have a very different opinion if it turns out it’s the DH who hasn’t worked for 5 months.

Show quote history

OP is mentally unwell right now though. She has not been made redundant and is at a loose end. She is off sick.

Eyeshadow · 13/12/2025 23:10

XenoBitch · 13/12/2025 23:04

OP is mentally unwell right now though. She has not been made redundant and is at a loose end. She is off sick.

Show quote history

She is not off sick, she has left her job - that is very different.

Being mentally unwell does not stop you from doing the housework.
She may not be on top form but she has 8 hours a day 5 days a week to do it.

No kids have been mentioned and so it sounds like just the 2 of them and so the house will barely need cleaning anyway.

XenoBitch · 13/12/2025 23:18

Eyeshadow · 13/12/2025 23:10

She is not off sick, she has left her job - that is very different.

Being mentally unwell does not stop you from doing the housework.
She may not be on top form but she has 8 hours a day 5 days a week to do it.

No kids have been mentioned and so it sounds like just the 2 of them and so the house will barely need cleaning anyway.

Show quote history

She left her job as her mental health was a mess. Do you think she got home and was suddenly magically better?

And yes, poor mental health can stop you doing housework. It can stop you doing lots of things. Like I said in a PP, when I have been very unwell, I can not even clean myself let alone my house.

It sounds like OP is trying her best, but she is also contributing more financially to the household, and being expected to do 100% of the work including making cups of tea for her partner. He sounds like an abusive arse.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 13/12/2025 23:21

If you were a perfectly healthy stay at home wife, then yes I’d expect you to do the vast majority of the housework. That doesn’t include making all the cups of tea or picking dirty clothes off the floor or washing all dishes or making all meals.

But that’s not your situation. You’re off work because you are ill. Mental illness is as bad as physical illness. You are also still financially supporting him as you said you are paying more towards bills than he is.

Personally, I’d stop paying your share of the bills as you’re not working. If he wants to treat you like a healthy stay at home wife with no income, then he can bloody well pay all the bills.

If he doesn’t change his attitude, use your savings to divorce him.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 13/12/2025 23:23

Being mentally unwell does not stop you from doing the housework.

Pretty obvious you’ve beeh lucky enough to have fair or better mental health. Your comment is equivalent to someone saying flu is just a nasty cold and you can push through it.

Bamfram · 13/12/2025 23:26

You are in an abusive relationship with an arsehole.
Have you family you can stay with?
Get away from him asap.
He's a bad man.

notatinydancer · 14/12/2025 08:47

Eyeshadow · 13/12/2025 23:10

She is not off sick, she has left her job - that is very different.

Being mentally unwell does not stop you from doing the housework.
She may not be on top form but she has 8 hours a day 5 days a week to do it.

No kids have been mentioned and so it sounds like just the 2 of them and so the house will barely need cleaning anyway.

Show quote history

Poor mental health can absolutely stop you doing housework.

jeaux90 · 14/12/2025 08:53

I’m willing to bet your mental health will be a lot better when you break up with this asshole.

Dutchhouse14 · 14/12/2025 09:41

If I was well enough I would do more round the house during the day but when he is home in evenings and weekends you should both contribute equally ,do cat litter,take out bins,make each other a drink.
He is being really nasty and treating you like a skivvy and with disrespect.
He shouldnt just drop his clothes on the floor and expect you to pick them up ffs.
I think longer term it may well improve your mental health if you were to leave this relationship.
What was he like before you left your job?
I think counselling may be helpful for you and possibly couple counselling too .
You need to kick back.
Say you will do a bit more if you can as you are not at work during the day but its not your sole responsibility to do everything point out you are still contribiting financially.
Look after yourself OP

Wordsmithery · 14/12/2025 09:58

He sounds revolting.
It's not really relevant who is contributing what financially, and who works however many hours, and who is in better health. Whatever the circumstances you should be able to agree together who does what and when calmly, respectfully and fairly. That's what a good relationship looks like.

TFImBackIn · 14/12/2025 10:01

OP, I'm really sorry you haven't been well - it must be so painful and exhausting.

Can you tell us why you're still with this man? He sounds really awful and surely you must feel worse living with him than you would do on your own?