My child is domestically abusing me

[FedUpForChristmas]

My DC has autism and ADHD. He's 8. Lately there have been more bad days than good.

We recently started medication for the ADHD, then increased the dose. I do see a benefit when it's at its peak but the before and after taking is still sheer hell like it always has been.

He has every bit of support he needs. SEN school, EHCP, therapies etc.

He battered me this morning, all because he got triggered by his siblings quarrelling. I exited the bathroom to him charging at me and pummelling me. When I turned away to shield myself he grabbed and was dragging me by the hair. Chaos ensues for the next hour. Me, DH and my 70yo mother all got it.

He's calm now because his medication has kicked in and he's expecting to join me going out for dinner with my brother and SIL. How am I supposed to relax and enjoy myself when I'm still treading on eggshells from this morning, anxiously waiting for the next thing to set him off.

Sadly, and I hate to say it, I'm being reminded of a previous partner who abused me (not DC's father, this was years back)

The cycle is the same.

The tension builds up, he explodes and kicks the crap out of me (or his dad), smashes things in the house.

He apologies and behaves for a few hours (or more rarely, days)

The tension builds up again

Rinse and repeat.

I said to DH that if this continues at the age of criminal responsibility i will be calling the police and having him arrested, and I mean it.

He thinks I'm being unfair and potentially projecting due to the history.

Am I being unreasonable to view it this way? Because it certainly feels like it 😔

You do this on every thread with autism on, shut down other suggestions or people's experience, because you know best. Other people have real, lived experience and as you say so much 'it's a spectrum.' That also goes for others experiences and stories as well as funding and help. Other people differs in areas up and down the country.

my brother is profoundly autistic and his respite was not funded by DLA. It's not common, but certainly not impossible or 'not true.' DLA is not means tested and is not ring fenced. You can choose to use DLA towards respite but you aren't required to.

Have you never heard of direct payments?

And the poster was saying the Op would have to fund it ,my point was as a social worker they should know you can ask for a carers assessment and early help ,they will assess the need for respite, its not always granted and what can be offered differs from area to area but saying she would have to fund it ,isn't true becsuse she doesn't know that yet.

Yes some respite is funded, granted.
in my experience the threshold for this this is met more commonly, when a disabled child has daily /round clock care needs.

Don’t know of anyone who’s child is able bodied, verbal, in a mainstream school thriving academically and with no daily personal care needs, and has two parents that can offer each other breaks, that would even come close to qualifying for funded respite.

He's not in mainstream though the Op said hes in an SEN school ,presumably there is a need for that despite being academic?

According to this government legislation, OP and her family have a legal right to respite

www.legislation.gov.uk/uksi/2011/707/made

@FedUpForChristmas you've mentioned all the support your child gets but not how you've educated yourself about parenting an AuDHD child.
There was a clear trigger today - siblings quarrelling. So where was the strategy to deflect away from DS before the meltdown i.e. as soon as the trigger started? Diversion, distraction, safe place, regulating activities etc, DS having space to self regulate?
Also make sure the meds are actually helping. Sometimes they make the autistic traits worse in an AuDHD child.

This is not how children's social services would view the situation at all. What a pointlessly scaremongering thing to say.

Funded Respite in reality on the ground is like winning the lottery along with the ‘funded residential schools’ so often mentioned on here
Im just being honest and a realist and I work in the area so do have a tad of experience you know

Only for children who meet the criteria for the children's disability service. Autism on its own doesn't necessarily meet that criteria.

The OP has said there are too many triggers for them to be able to manage them all, plus there are 3 children, not just one, in the mix.

OP doesn’t have to use DLA to fund respite. If she is refused assessments, assessed but refused support, or offered support but it is inadequate &/or inappropriate, she can challenge the decision following the steps in my pp. She shouldn’t have to do this, but sadly too many do and that isn’t going to change in the foreseeable future.

I know, it is shit. I have experience in the area too. Just making the point that even if many families are being failed, legislation does say that OP should have access to respite as a carer who would be able to provide more effective care for the disabled child and their siblings if they were given a break from caring.

Contact social services again, when they ask what you want don’t say respite tell them you need support to safeguard all of your children and explain the impact it is having on all your day to day lives.

Respite would be helpful but I think on his days with you he wouldn’t suddenly lose all his triggers, so you’d still be needing support.

Oh gosh this is awful, you need to address now as will be much worse later as he gets older. You were shielding yourself but can you restrain him gently , and hold him back, just concerned he will take more and more power over you if you cower away.

Families like ops have lots of legal rights. Unfortunately, 99% of the time, the only way to get said rights is to enforce them is via the SEND tribunal or local government and social care ombudsman. It's exhausting.

Indeed. They're far more likely to run in the opposite direction as soon as they realise OP wants actual support.

I know people keep mentioning contacting social care. I would absolutely encourage contacting early help if only for some emotional support to the parents but honestly frontline social work isn't going to do much for this situation. There isn't a magic key to additional support that is unlocked by having a social worker - possibly in some areas there may be services but it's by no means universal. In my area the only service that supports autistic children and families costs a fortune and there is no money to pay for it, parents have to pay themselves. We also have eligibility criteria for children with disabilities service that would exclude the majority of autistic children. It's shit but funding and resources can't be created out of thin air and there are higher priorities than families like this :(

Parents often have to enforce their DC’s rights, but they do not have to fund the support themselves. Some LAs try to restrict access to the CwD team in an unlawful way, that can also be challenged, including via JR if necessary. Sadly, families where the parents know the law and can advocate and enforce their/their DC’s rights get better support (not that that is the fault of those families enforcing their rights). It shouldn’t be like that. It fails many vulnerable DC. It is hideous. Parents shouldn’t have to fight for support like they do. Disappointingly, it isn’t going to change.

Talk to the government. When funding limits the number of social workers and the provision of resources to only eg 40% of children who should be eligible then local authorities have to prioritise. They can't create funds and resources from nowhere.

I don’t need to ‘talk to the government’, thanks. As LAs have been shown time and again, lack of resources, funding, staffing… are not lawful reasons for acting unlawfully. Which is why those families who go on the enforce their rights get better support. Because they are legally entitled to that support. Families shouldn’t be forced to enforce their rights. That fails many DC.

I wouldn't have wanted it. Thankfully DS is an only child so no other children in the household to worry about - and I've heard anecdotally it's the NT children who'll be removed as they're easier to place.

There's also the fact that being removed from us would have been damaging and traumatic to DS which wouldn't have helped with him learning to regulate and would have been likely to cause his behaviour to deteriorate so being removed wouldn't have been beneficial to him.

You think we didn't discipline DS for attacking us? We did. It made no difference, because as he kept telling us, he couldn't stop himself. All discipline did was cause further dysregulation and resentment of us not believing him - which lead to our relationship with him being damaged.

He needed help to self-regulate and to be taught coping mechanisms - and it really needed to not come from us given how much we got wrong before we knew he was autistic and the resulting loss of trust in us.

Well yes, we collectively DO need to talk to the government. Do you think LAs act unlawfully because they don't care, or because they enjoy it?

Your post didn’t mention collectively. Your response to my post was “Talk to the government”. I, personally, do not need to talk to the government even if you tell me to. If others choose to, by themselves or as a group, they are, obviously, free to do so. I have DC with significant needs and give back to the community in other ways; I don’t need, or have the energy or time, to take on such a conversation or campaign.

LAs act unlawfully for a multitude of reasons. Not all related to a lack of funding, resources or staffing.