My child is domestically abusing me

[FedUpForChristmas]

My DC has autism and ADHD. He's 8. Lately there have been more bad days than good.

We recently started medication for the ADHD, then increased the dose. I do see a benefit when it's at its peak but the before and after taking is still sheer hell like it always has been.

He has every bit of support he needs. SEN school, EHCP, therapies etc.

He battered me this morning, all because he got triggered by his siblings quarrelling. I exited the bathroom to him charging at me and pummelling me. When I turned away to shield myself he grabbed and was dragging me by the hair. Chaos ensues for the next hour. Me, DH and my 70yo mother all got it.

He's calm now because his medication has kicked in and he's expecting to join me going out for dinner with my brother and SIL. How am I supposed to relax and enjoy myself when I'm still treading on eggshells from this morning, anxiously waiting for the next thing to set him off.

Sadly, and I hate to say it, I'm being reminded of a previous partner who abused me (not DC's father, this was years back)

The cycle is the same.

The tension builds up, he explodes and kicks the crap out of me (or his dad), smashes things in the house.

He apologies and behaves for a few hours (or more rarely, days)

The tension builds up again

Rinse and repeat.

I said to DH that if this continues at the age of criminal responsibility i will be calling the police and having him arrested, and I mean it.

He thinks I'm being unfair and potentially projecting due to the history.

Am I being unreasonable to view it this way? Because it certainly feels like it 😔

If you did you would understand the spectrum is huge and even when some autistic people can seem high functioning, they can also have complex needs there are so many nuances

The girl got a scholarship as the family couldn’t afford the fees, the girl wasn’t even able to go home during the holidays, even at uni.

You think this never happens?

I think it would be useful for you to reflect on why you choose to engage, frivolously, on a thread which has such a serious impact on the quality of life for @FedUpForChristmas and her beloved son.

I fear that specific poster won't be satisfied until the OP says she's packed his bags and left them on the doorstep. They're wildly unhelpful to OP who is living in a fluctuating state of crisis and needs advice from people who have experience or perhaps have complex or high needs children themselves.

Very true but these posters persist andt ts infuriating .

I haven't read everything so apologies if this has already been covered.
Firstly the medication. My son is AuDHD. Stimulant medication made him much more anxious and his autistic traits much stronger, much more rigid, much more easily triggered. We are changing provider but plan to try non-stimulant medication next as from anecdotal evidence I believe that can work better.
Secondly the behaviour. I think what is hard in a situation like this is determining the can't from won't. He can't control himself or he won't control himself - which is it. There's an interesting psychiatrist on tiktok called Jeremy Chapman. He talks about the extinction burst when boundaries and consequences are put in place for oppositional kids. And he talks about how privileges are earned, but for the next day. So it's never heat of the moment stuff, but say for example, screen time is earned tomorrow by behaviour today. And when you enforce that boundary at first your child's behaviours will get waaaay worse because that's what they know works, but after a while it peaks and they understand that isn't the way things work anymore. Then of course this goes hand in hand with a regulation and sensory diet, as it's very hard for an unregulated child to regulate themselves. And alternative regulation opportunities are pre identified and ready to go so the kid, instead of getting violent, can run to their room and throw themselves on a crash bag for example. Now of course this only works in a won't scenario versus a can't scenario, but from your words it seems you suspect that might be the case, at least some of the time.
I've talked a lot with my kid about triggers and while they are real and valid the answer is not always to control the environment but to also have options to control himself. What can he do - can he leave the room? Can he ask us to help make it stop? Can he put in his ear loops, or listen to his own music, etc. Can he choose to do something else. It's no good if all he's learnt when he's overwhelmed is to scream and shout if that's happening on a packed bus. What stands out in your message is that your son wants to control his environment absolutely and that he is being successful with this. This is setting him up for failure in life and you know this of course.
It probably sounds terrifying to try an extinction burst type approach, have you ever followed through with boundaries for an extended period before?

@Alicorn1707 I have 2 children with ASD and many peer parents who have ASD teens and adults on all sorts of levels of the spectrum who we have met over the last two decades as parents of children with ASD. More than once parents we have met have needed to call police to support out of control teens and adults with ASD who are extremely violent and aggressive and unmanageable.

My friend works at a special school for teens (secondary)with profound support needs and they with all of their training and experience have called police and ambulance crews to support when instances have required for support not arrest.

There are children in care in the school who are still very much involved with their parents but simply their parents could not manage them at home due to their intensive support needs.

If you read OPs list of triggers these are quite easily attributed to dysregulation arising from autism. They're not goal oriented behaviours so in this case I think the extinction burst method will actually just do more harm than good because he doesn't have the capacity in those moments to choose his outlet.

Before any sort of behaviourist methods can be implemented this child needs a foundation of being able to identify his emotions, waiting before reacting, and then implementing regulation techniques otherwise he will just be being punished for being autistic. He will need a significant amount of support to get there first, and right now risk analysis and prevention is the goal because it's a matter of keeping everybody safe while that happens.

I haven't read all the comments but I would advice contacting PEGS for support. They have been really supportive with some families I support through work. Hopefully they can offer some ideas for further support for the whole family. I would also consider referring to young carers for your other children.
www.pegsupport.co.uk/how-pegs-help

Im an adolescents SW but previously worked in Family Safeguarding and the MASH
Please self refer into Childrens Services tomorrow.
with the level of violence in the home and impact on you and DH and siblings the threshold is almost certainly met for CIN if not Child Protection for the younger ones who fear their brother. (Do not be scared of a CP plan it’s often the only way real support is accessed with multi agency planning and oversight )
Your boy may also be opened to the Disabilities team which is the best way to access respite services in the future ( you will need to fund this with his DLA obviously, but the sign posting and short breaks service will pick you up to talk through options they offer)
In the meantime robust safety planning and things like exploring extended family options for support with oversight on a weekly basis can be put in place especially in crisis episodes - for example, in my area we have Bane and Dayle service where two professionals can be present in the home for whole days even at night to help manage the violence and de-escalate /safeguard.

Also - do not be afraid of safeguarding yourselves by restraining your boy, or DH using his size and strength to manage violent episodes. Parents do this all the time and while they may be subsequent investigations or social care CP enquires - where this action is proportionate to the threat presented there are rarely repercussions- quite the opposite it raises more awareness as to the seriousness of the situation and increases the level of multi agency intervention

agreed, no 8 yr old can “beat the shit” out of adult

OP, the Bain and Dahle service mentioned above sounds as though it could be useful for you.

https://bainanddahle.com/services/hlfs-high-level-family-support.html

I agree that what I'm talking about is probably a less severe case. I just recognise that my son was heading down this road of trying to control his environment to manage his regulation, but we were able stop it from getting this far and we weren't dealing with such violence.
But I don't know that I agree with you about it not being goal oriented behaviours. I think the child is trying to deal with his dysregulation by wanting to control everything to have a perfect environment that never triggers him, and that's his goal - a way to manage dysregulation. And he controls through these reactions that get him what he wants (or needs?). If you read through those triggers he's trying to control anything he doesn't like in the house. And this could come from a place of great anxiety too, a child can't feel safe with that level of control they have over their whole family.
And now it's a vicious cycle. The control this child is exercising on the family just jumps out so much at me as a dynamic that has to change.

Need to be open to Childtehs services via Social Care or Early Help to access B &D but clearly here the threshold is met - and from a safeguarding perspective for all the children I’m worried the family isn’t open and are slipping under the radar

OP are you sharing the level of violence and exposure of the other kids to this as well as their fear of triggering your lad , with school ? As I can’t understand how this is going under the radar? They must have spoken to other adults /teachers and their presentation through permanently walking on egg shells or being flight mode at home must have been picked up elsewhere surely?

Parents are - usually wrongly- worried about exercising proportionate force against their own kids as fear arrest or having children removed

in cases like this one ( 25 years in the job) that would never happen if the appropriate services - SC /school/ CAMHs/GP were all aware of the levels of daily violence and aggression in the home

You should make a self referral to your local authority’s social care team for early help and support (the name of the team). The school could also put a TAF in place where help from other agencies such as social care and CAMHs can be brought together to support you. You need strategies to put into place now before he gets much bigger. It’s not easy but you are the parents and you need to seek support so you can help him and yourselves.

The harsh truth is that by not seeking this support actively, these parents are failing to safeguard their children
if the levels of violence and emotional harm being caused to siblings on a daily basis as stated by the OP, result in serious harm or injury then parents may be held accountable for minimising, not being protective and having sought help sooner.

We have actively sought help though, we've simply been turned away. Perhaps as a PP mentioned we need to be more insistent. After the second time being told that there's nothing SS can do for us I felt utterly hopeless about accessing state support.

The PP above who mentioned parents being scared to exercise proportionate force (restraint) for fear of arrest and/or losing DC - spot on. We are.

We've asked for Team Teach training through school as that's the model they use and we've been told it can't be taught to parents.

We have had to restrain him on occasions as a last resort when he's out of control and dangerous but worry about him being hurt or bruised in the process. It would be better for everybody if we had some training on how to do it safely to minimise the risk of that happening.

I'm going to look at Bain and Dale now, thank you

If you tell SS your child is beating you and your husband up regularly and explain the triggers -such as swallowing or breathing funny or speaking or moving in a certain way that are impacting your other kids lives where they are terrified and walking on eggshells etc
there is not a family safeguarding team in the country that would turn you away saying they are unable to help as the threshold for SAFEGUARDING the siblings would be met 100 times over at a Child in Need level and possibly even Child Protection if the violence and the triggers are as terrorising as you have shared on here.
you must make school aware of the situation too so they can risk assess your son in school and also in order to monitor and safeguard the siblings who may feel school is their only safe space

Op I once worked within the Children’s disability team and as a social worker in a respite care home , we had children from the ages of 5 till 17yrs .. it was not Uncommon for social workers to tell parents “ Unless you walk out the door and leave the child in the social work offices there’s nothing we could do. Parents literally had to leave the offices. It was the only way that they could get help or respite .. It all comes down to money respite care is expensive.

@Lemonysnickety

"More than once parents we have met have needed to* call police to support out of control teens and adults* with ASD who are extremely violent and aggressive and unmanageable"

My opinions, on this thread, relate purely to the fact that @FedUpForChristmas's son is 8 years old

It's an incredibly difficult situation for everyone concerned, no-one, could ever doubt nor deny that.

Thats just not true the the Op would have to fund respite via DLA
My son gets respite including overnight, non of its funed via his DLA it went to Panel and its funded via the LA as a social worker you should know this!!

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this OP.

I suggest reaching out to child to parent violence support organisations as a priority.

Do siblings get any support in relation to your son's behaviour, perhaps school/nursery can arrange something? I'd prioritized their needs just now.

https://www.respect.org.uk/pages/114-capva

https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/