My child is domestically abusing me

[FedUpForChristmas]

My DC has autism and ADHD. He's 8. Lately there have been more bad days than good.

We recently started medication for the ADHD, then increased the dose. I do see a benefit when it's at its peak but the before and after taking is still sheer hell like it always has been.

He has every bit of support he needs. SEN school, EHCP, therapies etc.

He battered me this morning, all because he got triggered by his siblings quarrelling. I exited the bathroom to him charging at me and pummelling me. When I turned away to shield myself he grabbed and was dragging me by the hair. Chaos ensues for the next hour. Me, DH and my 70yo mother all got it.

He's calm now because his medication has kicked in and he's expecting to join me going out for dinner with my brother and SIL. How am I supposed to relax and enjoy myself when I'm still treading on eggshells from this morning, anxiously waiting for the next thing to set him off.

Sadly, and I hate to say it, I'm being reminded of a previous partner who abused me (not DC's father, this was years back)

The cycle is the same.

The tension builds up, he explodes and kicks the crap out of me (or his dad), smashes things in the house.

He apologies and behaves for a few hours (or more rarely, days)

The tension builds up again

Rinse and repeat.

I said to DH that if this continues at the age of criminal responsibility i will be calling the police and having him arrested, and I mean it.

He thinks I'm being unfair and potentially projecting due to the history.

Am I being unreasonable to view it this way? Because it certainly feels like it 😔

Fantastic post!

A meltdown isn’t like a tantrum whereby the person is in control of what is happening.

Thank you that's really an honour coming from a MN poster I have admired on many posts about neurodivergence.

OP has literally said that her DS also attacks her husband. Your claim here is bollocks.

OP, which part of the UK do you live in, roughly?

Why and how would an autistic dysregulated child have the opportunity to physically assault a random stranger in the street?

Because the threat center of our brain works on perceived familiarity, proximity and safety.

It isn't perfect and so yes sometimes random people can get pulled into events caused by nervous system dysregulation, but there is plenty of reasoning out there that explains why it is usually the "safe people" that take the brunt of it even when the person having a meltdown lacks capacity.

I just think they know it’s easier to attack somebody who is obliged not to whack them back, but we’ll have to agree to disagree.

If they triggered them as detailed by the OP? The poor woman can’t even laugh in her own home.

You can think what you like but the evidence doesn’t back that up!

I don’t think there is hard evidence around any of this. Most of the terms on here were unheard of only 10 years ago. There’s a lot of guesses and ‘this indicates that’ but nothing concrete.

I will gladly disagree with you...

Just say you don't believe in autism and get on with it. Beating around the bush is irritating.

I 100% believe in autism.

@HoneyParsnipSoup

I'd suggest that your comprehension of how to address the difficulties of parenting a neurodivergent child is severely inadequate.

It can, of course, be difficult, frustrating, heart-wrenching and can be totally disruptive to the whole family dynamic.

It requires the parents to educate themselves on how best to proceed for the whole family.

Calling the police on a neurodivergent child would never be the answer.

Far too many on this thread show their total lack of knowledge of how best to parent a neurodivergent youngster.

You don't understand it AT ALL though

Calling the police on a neurodivergent child would never be the answer.

Even if their life was in danger?

@FedUpForChristmas post a new thread on the SN board. We will help you there. AiBU is not the place. We know whatbworks what's available what you have tried, siblings and the fear. Shut this thread down. You need help but not all the noise.

Has anyone ever shown you how to deal with things like hair pulling and biting? Instinct is to pull away, but it causes less damage if you lean in to the pulling/biting. Sometimes parents can get NVR courses &/or restraint training funded too.

Request social care assessments again. A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment by the disabled children’s team for DS. On their website, Contact has model letters you can use. DS isn’t too young for respite, but, sadly, it is often a fight to get it. If you are refused, you can complain, ask for an independent review, complain to the LGO. Depending on specifics, JR may be possible. If you have to appeal the education side of DS’s EHCP, you can ask SENDIST to also look at social care provision, getting an independent social worker assessment if necessary (if you can’t afford independent assessments and they aren’t eligible for legal aid Parents in Need can sometimes help fund them). And some social care provision is actually special educational provision so should be in F of an EHCP.

Also look at your local short breaks offer. Although there may not be anything for DS’s level of need.

Request an early review of DS’s EHCP. DS may have a lot of support currently via the EHCP, but it sounds like DS needs more &/or different support. Mainstream would not be a good idea from what you post.

Has DS had a home OT assessment? To look at making the house better meet his needs and safer.

Does DS have his own bedroom? If not, consider looking at a Disabled Facilities Grant. Is it the noise of the neighbour’s toilet flushing that is a trigger? If so, you could look at a DFG for sound proofing.

For your other DC, are they known to your local young carer’s service? Some are better than others. Also look at Sibs.

Your younger child is already wishing he would change or leave. I don’t remember you mentioning their ages but this is something likely at some point to be flagged by teachers.

Op has to be shown to be protecting her younger children and not just her older child.

This is an excellent post @Jimmyneutronsforehead. Being academically able doesn’t mean the child is capable of rational and controlled thought or action in the moment of a meltdown.

I’m so sorry. This is such a hard read and I commend you and your DH for giving your all for your son.
Please don’t consider putting him into mainstream school - I don’t say this to be mean, but there is such a lack of funding, he would be extremely unlikely to get a 1-1 even if his funding and EHCP states it, his behaviour would be very dangerous in mainstream.
I echo what others have said - please keep pushing for help, it is out there but everywhere is so incredibly overwhelmed. Your case sounds like it could be a higher priority than some though.

I don’t think there’s anything I can suggest that you haven’t already done, I can’t imagine how hard it must be. As DS grows and becomes physically bigger, this will obviously become so much harder to control - I really hope you can get some support ASAP. Keep on pressure via school too - if he kicks off there too, they can refer to Early Help, Social Services through their end which will help you hopefully.
Even though he’s academically able, his behaviour sounds incredibly immature - I’m sure you’ve already tried it, but what about a consistent approach like you might do with a toddler? Removing items, clear consequences.. as I write this it sounds obvious and pathetic, but some children are treated to maturely because academically they keep up, but behaviourally it’s v different.
Do keep venting on here, and updating if you can.

Sometimes others do get injured. A few weeks ago DS1 (not autistic but other complex needs) headbutted DH and broke DH’s nose. During that time DS1 was dysregulated a nurse and a doctor also got hit/kicked.