My child is domestically abusing me

[FedUpForChristmas]

My DC has autism and ADHD. He's 8. Lately there have been more bad days than good.

We recently started medication for the ADHD, then increased the dose. I do see a benefit when it's at its peak but the before and after taking is still sheer hell like it always has been.

He has every bit of support he needs. SEN school, EHCP, therapies etc.

He battered me this morning, all because he got triggered by his siblings quarrelling. I exited the bathroom to him charging at me and pummelling me. When I turned away to shield myself he grabbed and was dragging me by the hair. Chaos ensues for the next hour. Me, DH and my 70yo mother all got it.

He's calm now because his medication has kicked in and he's expecting to join me going out for dinner with my brother and SIL. How am I supposed to relax and enjoy myself when I'm still treading on eggshells from this morning, anxiously waiting for the next thing to set him off.

Sadly, and I hate to say it, I'm being reminded of a previous partner who abused me (not DC's father, this was years back)

The cycle is the same.

The tension builds up, he explodes and kicks the crap out of me (or his dad), smashes things in the house.

He apologies and behaves for a few hours (or more rarely, days)

The tension builds up again

Rinse and repeat.

I said to DH that if this continues at the age of criminal responsibility i will be calling the police and having him arrested, and I mean it.

He thinks I'm being unfair and potentially projecting due to the history.

Am I being unreasonable to view it this way? Because it certainly feels like it 😔

A lot of people talk about our complex autistic children like they're a badly behaved dog. Just get rid.

If it were legal, I'm sure many would recommend euthanasia too.

There was actually a thread last week where this was suggested, awful.

I expect his siblings would miss him but also I expect there would be a feeling of relief. Much like when a family member who’s been long suffering dies. You miss them but you’re happy because there is no pain for them anymore.

Well that’s the problem isn’t it. Where do these aggressive children go? Assumably a residential home with trained staff. But the answer isn’t to stay beating up their family members and being a safeguarding risk to other children.

Where is the protection to the siblings?

I don’t image well you love your brother is much consolation to watching you mum be beaten weekly and then being the person beaten as you get older.

Hi op. I have one who's very similar spikey profile. If methylphenidate medication isn't a good fit then try a different regime.
We found none stimulant combo works well for aggression. guanfacine (none stimulant) every evening at the same time - you have to take it same time everyday. Then elvanse (stimulant) in the morning.
Exercise has helped massively too

Lol good luck with finding a residential school i think posters think you phone up and book your child in.

Everything about this post is spoken like someone who has zero clue about the neurodiversity of @FedUpForChristmas' son and raising any child in a healthy way. We are their protectors, not dictators

There are zero times an adult needs to be physical with their child.

This is, after all, the 21st century, is it not @Applewisp

I do hope you are just being a goady numpty

Yes I'm perfectly aware of that, there was nothing in the op about the child having learning disabilities or lack of understanding and the OP's update confirms that.

Oh I know Sen provision is hugely lacking. We need more of it.

But what do you propose to protect ops other children and the adults as well as giving her older child the prison like environment he clearly wants from those around him?

What do you do then if you don't want to look after them anymore? I'm genuinely asking as I don't know the answer.

Well and OT assessment would be a start ,some adaptions to the house to help him regulate
My son is hsving one ,a stable door has been suggested for when im on my own with him, when he becomes aggressive I can put him safely behind it and put some distance between us but I can still see him.

Op has stated he does have capacity. These aren't uncontrollable meltdowns.

Well most parents dont put their child into care becsuse believe it or not they love them as much as the next child
But if they did walk away the child would have to go into foster which might well be less then adequate.

You need to find out what Early Help support there is in your area.
There are courses parents can attend about Non Violence response in these instances.
Google Early Help support with your local area and make a self referral.
You won’t be judged but provided with support.

I had a violent primary schooler with autism, pda profile. In my case it didn’t end well, he’s 18 now and doesn’t live at home since 2 years because the violence and abuse escalated to a point of being unliveable for his siblings.
I did all the wrong things so I don’t have advice but I did want to share - in case you didn’t know of them - this charity that supports parents specifically who are experiencing hold to parent abuse. https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/

Btw - I had all the early help, social services, at one point in a child protection plan - they were rubbish. Honestly - don’t expect social to understand or help at all. Sorry.

Autism isn't a learning disability. Autistic people can be highly intelligent. That doesn't mean they can regulate and control their behaviour when they are in a meltdown. Not sure where this idea of 'capacity' has come from but you are applying it incorrectly when trying to understand the child's behaviour.

We've already been through Early Help and two attempts at accessing a children's disability social worker. The most recent time I tried, when being asked what I was hoping for and me responding respite, I was told he's too young for that.

I appreciate all of the solid advice throughout the thread though, thank you all for taking the time.

RE my other children - my daughter often says she wishes he didn't have autism or that he could live somewhere else, so whilst she loves him she is definitely being negatively impacted. She leaves the room as soon as he starts becoming loud as she knows what follows and it distresses her.

My youngest DS is regularly shouted at by him and can't do right for doing wrong. Atleast once a day he's in tears because DS(8) has screamed or shouted at him for whatever perceived misdemeanor - usually something as trivial as knocking the doorstop out of the way by mistake or touching something.

I'm not sure what the answer is but we do need help.

I'm looking at the Yvonne Newbold page at the moment.

Just goes to show people don't have a clue. If you've met one adhd/asd/autistic/aspergers/add spectrum disorder of your choice person, you've met one person. Please don't tell the OP how she's feeling. Even those with SEN children will only have experienced their own children. Empathy will go a long way.

this is so challenging for you. You must be so stressed out being hurt every day and your other children too. Those demands are not anything you can live with and tbh the more you comply, he will learn that his behaviour is rewarded. I couldn’t cope with that and as he gets older, he could seriously harm someone. It sounds like he may need to be medicated more or be house somewhere where you are safe. It may not be his fault but it’s not yours either.

Child protection social work can't do a thing for a family like this sadly. Children's disability social work can't do but autism by itself rarely qualifies to meet the criteria.

And regarding siblings ,often they love their disabled sibling and don't want them to be sent away.

And often they don't. When they have their activities curtailed, when there's always an atmosphere of fear in the house, when they don't get enough attention from their parents because they're too busy fighting fires with the other sibling.

And something to remember - if the disabled sibling turned on them and was violent to the point they weren't physically safe, the reaction of SS would likely be to put them in foster care for their safety. Because they would be much easier to place. So as well as all the other issues they have with their sibling they find that they are taken away from their home and family because of him, while he gets to stay home with their parents.

OP
You will need to contact your country's equivalent of the Child and Family Agency. They can assist by providing a social worker who works with the whole family on a weekly basis in the family home. You will be taught a method of dealing with the child called non violent resistance. Sanctions for child to parent violence will be agreed by parents and child with the social worker and applied consistently after every violent incident. The social worker speaks to the child each week, and also to the parents, and hears a report of the violent behaviours of the previous week . The social worker encourages the parents to involve an extended family member to engage with the child and parents in a similar way to the role of the social worker. We did not do that. But we did everything else and it worked for us after years of misery. Our child had no diagnoses.

something to remember - if the disabled sibling turned on them and was violent to the point they weren't physically safe, the reaction of SS would likely be to put them in foster care for their safety. Because they would be much easier to place. So as well as all the other issues they have with their sibling they find that they are taken away from their home and family because of him, while he gets to stay home with their parents.

I constantly live in fear of this happening, it's always on my mind 🙁

I panic every time he kicks off, thinking it will lead to me losing my DC.

I assure you this isn't what happens. If any child needs to be placed in care then it would be the autistic child with aggressive behaviours, and it would be with your consent. I absolutely guarantee that no local authority could or would ever apply to court for a care order for a child on the basis that their autistic sibling was being aggressive after the parents had asked for help. It's just not possible.

When the autistic brain is overstimulated and it senses a threat, the amygdala fires to say there is a threat before conscious thought even occurs, blood flow is diverted from the prefrontal cortex which is responsible for language, reasoning, impulse control, and understanding consequences.

Broca's area, the area for speech production starts shutting down, making it really hard to talk about what is happening, it can stop you being able to talk at all, only give fragmented speech, or only be able to shout short, sharp things that can be really hurtful.

When this happens, the body still needs an outlet, that can be movement, noise, pushing, hitting, throwing or fleeing.

This is not because the person wants to behave like this but because that is the only channel left open.

This is when it is a capacity issue. Human brains are just organic fat and meat computers.

You can be highly intelligent and autistic and still struggle with emotional regulation.

It doesn't sound like this little boy does have capacity in these moments.

He needs help with his emotional regulation, which might be able to be provided in his EHCP. It might need to be privately funded.