I don’t want to parent this weekend

[selfpityingnonsense]

Or over Christmas

or in the new year

or ever

I am sick of the noise; the whinging, whining, screaming, fighting and demands. I’m sick of the house being a mess, I’m sick of nothing ever being good enough and giving my all 24/7 and getting absolutely nothing back in return.

and I know I’m being unreasonable and don’t really care. I just wish I could walk: no motivation at all just now.

Do you have friends? If I thought any of my friends were struggling this way I would really want to help- I’d take the kids for the weekend.

reach out to someone and tell them how you are feeling. Don’t feel like you are burdening anyone, it takes a village to raise children and our society and culture isn’t set up to help single parents well at all.

I remember this stage, it's relentless. When either of mine used to whine or have a tantrum I picked them up, put them in their bedroom and closed the door. It worked for mine but obviously I know that all children are different.
I don't know if you've said how you deal with it?

I sympathise OP - we went through it with DS2 in particular. He was an absolute tornado from about 18mo to 6yo. He does have autism and ADHD, so no amount of “burning off energy” ever worked, just made me knackered! Kinetic sand was banished to the garden until the day I caught him trying to eat it then it was binned. He didn’t sleep (still doesn’t sleep well at 12yo), and his older brother had medical issues preventing sleep so I did fantasize about running away. I even once dreamed about being admitted to hospital so I could rest - nothing awful, just something that required me to be bed bound there because I was that done in!

we had to adopt a divide and conquer approach - DH and I would each take one DC to an activity/park/whatever. Sometimes we would take both out so the other could have a break. Yes it’s not a week or two, but infinitely better than nothing. I get that you want to vent here, but I think you need to discuss with your DH and try to come up with something that helps - even if it’s just a couple of hours because you risk burn out. I have been there too and it’s tough.

My friends have their own children and jobs, asking them to take a toddler for a weekend that would scream relentlessly for mummy isn’t at all reasonable.

Oh OP this sounds rough and you have reached a breaking point. I had similar ages in covid times and it was rough.

I got into a routine that worked for us, maybe some of this might help?

• think of them like a big dog - exercise to wear them out. I would take them out even if it was raining for a long walk (over an hour) taking the pram if anyone got tired. Snacks and a drink on a bench half way round.
• then we got home for lunch and they would sit still for lunch as they had burnt loads of energy off
• little one down for a nap then oldest would sit and watch a dinsey movie. I would snooze on the sofa / read my book (no tidying or chores this is your down time too)
• afternoons depending on energy levels again we would pop out to parks or do an activity inside.

I have no idea why but thinking about them being a Labrador who needs to burn energy off helped me loads mentally 😂😂

OP, if your DH has a medical reason for not being able to do more with the kids, or is military deployed overseas or something, then that’s fair dos- and ofc it’s up to you what your thread is about.

As a single parent who has done 95% of parenting for nine years though, I will say that if I were feeling as you are, I would be prioritizing reaching out for help from another adult- any adult- and asking for 2 days of not having the children. Or putting 2 days of weekend childcare on a credit card if that’s not possible.

Because actually your problem probably isn’t the kids, but that you’re exhausted and need a break to recharge. No. You won’t get days and days and days as you want- but speaking from experience (and being honest- i was lucky enough never to feel as down as you sound about my kid- but I was still exhausted) a weekend will help.

if you feel the same after that, in your place I’d be seeking counseling, because you sound miserable, and like you need a regular place to vent. A counsellor will give you that.

I also found the toddler years really difficult op, my top dream was just to have some time to myself.

I had advice on MN which really helped at the time, “notice them being good”. Anytime they did anything, however minor, that was positive I noticed it and commented on it. Eg, well done for putting your shoes on quickly, thank you for brushing your teeth, well done for trying the broccoli etc etc

It changed the dynamic somehow in to a positive feedback loop and dc looking for that positive feedback. Obviously still tantrums etc but I just ignored those.

Also, as pp have said, it genuinely gets easier when they’re a bit older.

It’s really hard work isn’t it, and I think the shit weather and dark days don’t help. Can you try and get out for a walk with them in the dsy light? Im assuming little one is in a buggy? Do you have a double? Coukd you shove five your old in it too, put head phones on and walk at pace - it would def help my mental health. Also cut yourself some slack - put on a Xmas movie, give them snacks and sit in a comfy chair with a blanket and close your eyes sometimes. In the holidays work with the older one to create a list of “nice things” (easy, fun and cheap) to do. Then do one each day - tell them what it is and what time. It’ll help give each day a positive focus. Try and be immune to the whining and mess. Xxx

Agree on the soft play for running off energy, I was thinking of the Family Hubs more to offer support for helping the poster in managing their behaviour, or at the very least offering support so she knows she's not alone and the opportunity to meet other parents in same situation, who might also be able to offer advice. Sometimes knowing it's not just you can be helpful in helping you get through it.

Can you take a day off work whilst kids are at school & nursery next week? Either have a lazy day or tidy up the house? Whichever would benefit you most? You sound exhausted and at the end of your tether which I completely understand. I know your friends also have kids, but I would and have taken my friends kids for a day when they've needed it. I hope you can get some support soon x

Put them into care then. Why do you keep saying it gets better, when it might not. They are feeding off your bad mood.

People aren't going to like thois suggestion but personally if I got into this state they would both be given a tablet to play on and I'd spend the day being totally ignored. Short term fix only because that obviously cant be used every day but it could be just enough to get the peace you need for one, maybe two days and be able to cope again. You would need to brace yourself for the tantrum when taking them away of course 😅

This sort of thing happens so much and thank you. It really helps as I feel like such a shit parent and then I realise it’s normal!

I’m so sorry - it is so tough.

i also have a kid where baths hype them btw so I don’t do it as bedtime. I do it as an activity to kill time @selfpityingnonsense !

when I stopped comparing and lent in to what works for us my life improved. Eg your toddler kicking off at the school play is completely age appropriate and the Pearl clutchers can do one. I know you had to do it but really pick your battles.

I understand it’s a treadmill but it will get better. I hate the whining but I realised it’s just a bid for connection- them testing it out, and exploding makes it worse. I diffuse it with humour, silly faces and hugs. It genuinely works.

i also don’t pack my schedule coz my 2 year old actually likes/wants time at home to be and play. She also can lurch out of the pram in rage so I totally get it. My parenting journey is very different to some of my peers. But my kid is also determined and confident so I suppose in due course I’ll have less worries when other people may have more.

but you need to make alone time for you. It’s hard but somewhere in the month you can make it happen. Also don’t forget- you’re organising all this stuff, they don’t expect it, so don’t be cross when it doesn’t go to the plan in your head. Coz that’s on you. I’ve let that go and feel happier coz it was making me stressed when we were running late for stuff I’d booked for nice outings.

but our tantrums are WILD . And seem much worse than peers. If I make any decision, my kid instantly fights it eg I pick up a pair of socks to put on her, she hates it! Instant 10/10 shouting. It’s very draining!! I don’t have answers - just solidarity. It’s not you @selfpityingnonsense - it’s toddlers!!!

I found parenting young children very, very hard. Had the same age gap between my two, but it was my oldest who was the challenge. I remember the whining, fighting, early starts, poor sleep, messy house, thankless and relentless work involved. It was physically demanding yet somehow also really boring.

You’re definitely in the trenches with a 2 year old, but this phase will pass soon enough.

I’d seriously consider what you want the next phase of your life to look like. I had to step away from the fantasy that I was going to be the sort of mum who worked part time and spent loads of time looking after my kids and caring about housework. I went back to work full time early on and put in some quite harsh, some would say selfish, boundaries (like many men do!) to ensure I had time to myself scheduled in.

For a couple of years I was working to pay for childcare and a cleaner and have a life away from domesticity, but it was absolutely worth it for me. I kept my sanity.

(As an aside: Some people find teenagers tough, but I came into my own with parenting teens. They’re selfish, self absorbed, messy twats, but they sleep a lot and don’t lie on the floor screaming because you wouldn’t let them stick their fingers in a plug socket. You’re not a crap mum…small children are testing .

Yep I remember them days well and you couldn’t pay me to go back to it! My eldest is 19 now and youngest 9 so a lot easier. No advice you got to hang In there.

I hear you. I've no advice but I feel the same about every comment you've made. Parents of calm, chilled, will sit nicely colouring children just won't get it. Some of us are in the feral trenches. Mine are 4 and 6 and it's painful!

You sound like me a few years ago. Oldest would not sit still for 5 mins and youngest would throw herself on the floor screaming multiple times a day. It's draining, soul destroying and you feel such a shit parent. I think though that the majority of people aren't judging they are thinking thank good it is not me for once. No one can prepare you for parenthood it is a relentless never ending job. Every night they were in bed I would congratulate myself on the small victories of the day. No other advice apart from take care of yourself. My DD are all grown and are fabulous adults.

It is really hard. I identify with most of the things you've written, except for the fact I ended up with a local teenager coming to the house for 3 hours each Saturday afternoon and taking initially one, then both children. I insisted they leave the house, go for an ice cream and to the park and I took the dog for a walk and read a book. It took trial and error to find the right person, and of course this was yet another task for me...I have a husband who golfs sometimes from 9.30am until 7pm. I love him very much and things are better now (6 and 9 year olds) but I'm not sure I will ever fully forgive him for leaving me each week when frankly I felt at rock bottom with the children. But I also accept responsibility for trying to make things better rested with me too. I am not a natural mother to small children. Good luck - you are not alone.

Oh OP I could have written this!
Mine are 4 and 6 now and life is slightly easier now they're both at school, but my god they won't get ready in a morning, don't stop whining or bickering.
The other week I asked my 6 year old to just leave me alone for 10 minutes without asking for me so I could send an email on my phone.
3 times she came to me and said Mummmyyyy in that 10 minutes!

Anyway, I just came on to say the toddler and just starting primary ages you really are still in the trenches. Toddlers are absolute dicks.
None of the "advice" worked with mine either - maybe they are ND or maybe they are just difficult, who knows!
I also long for being at home alone, alas my family also will rarely take them and can't have them at their house for various reasons (mostly hoarding and space).
Being at home with them absolutely sucks and it's definitely easier to be busy out of the house or outside - so you're doing it all right.

You're doing your best!
It's just REALLY bloody hard.
What I find the most helpful is every now and again I put them both on their tablets for an hour or so, with headphones on and I do actually get an hour's peace at home.
If toddler won't sit for an hour, then drug him 😂

Honestly, I really feel for you. You're doing great.
Some kids are more difficult than others, period. Don't listen to all those people who had this that and the other work for them.
2 year olds are awful.
It's the law.

Even if DH can’t do any more - can you talk to him about how you’re feeling? I’m sure you’re not a ‘ shit parent’ and maybe he can provide a bit more moral support if not practical.
I think this time of year is extra challenging because of the Christmas build up and everything that can add to parent to-do lists - events, gifts,plans, negotiations with family- and I suspect that all falls on you. Extra hard if no wider family support locally.
It will get easier and please stop the self-criticism - just be proud of yourself for hanging in there 💐

I remember drowning in the relentlessness as well and all the suggestions in the world to go somewhere on my own didn't help - I wanted to be alone in my own house. I know you know it will get better but that's no use to you right now so vent all you like.

What an awful and hurtful comment. The OP is clearly struggling and wanting some solidarity of how hard parenting is. Your comment is unhelpful and just downright unnecessary. She is clearly overwhelmed. She wants a bit of time to herself, that doesn't translate to not wanting her children. If you can't be supportive on a mums forum which is supposed to be here for supporting mums then sod off.
Shame on you.

Jesus, is this where we are with empathy on MN these days? Wrung-out mum posts for support because the relentlessness of parenting is getting her down today and your response is this??? Nasty.