Don't know what to do with elderly mum this weekend

[Soashamed60]

Sorry for lengthy post: my mum is a widow, with bad nerves & high level anxiety. Since my dad died she has made no effort in creating another life for herself & relies on us all for her entertainment & company. We've got used to this & manage to work it out.
She only has one day in the week where she is completely on her own all day & night, but due to stuff going on she's had company every day this week.
She is supposed to come to our house this weekend but my dh has the flu. I dont want her to come. Everybody else is busy so it's either us or nothing.
I've felt a bit of a push back on this. As she had the flu/covid jab in the autumn she says she'll be ok coming here. She's had a cough/cold on & off since the jab but it's died down a bit. Even though she's had the jab she could still get another bad cold couldnt she, just in time for Xmas?
Dh says he doesn't mind. She just sits on the settee all weekend & has her meals, so not in the way really. Even though she's no trouble I still feel like dh deserves a mil free weekend whilst he has the flu, with me looking after him. It's his house too.
I think it's best if we all keep our distance to minimise the risk of recatching it in time for Xmas. Aibu to my mum?

Personally I’d try increasing the time she spends without her visiting. She doesn’t need entertaining every day. Whatever works for your family but I would say seeing either you or your sister one weekend day and maybe another day in the week but you have to be able to live your life. It’s lovely that you’re supporting her but you need to be able to live too xxx

@Sonny36 we do live. I'm retired, sister works part time, so we have the time.
They've been to as many festivals/nights out or whatever as they'd like.
We've been on as many nights out, meeting friends etc as we'd like. The only months we haven't.had a weekend away or a holiday this year are Jan, Feb, Mar & Sept. Given that my dh still works full time I don't know how much more living we can do!

The only reason why the flu is even an issue is because you are so totally enmeshed with your mother.

Most other families would just tell their mother they have the flu, or someone else in the house has the flu, and maybe best not see each other until it has passed. Because they have not let a situation develop which is so extreme.

I did reply, but deleting as it seems you don’t want replies about your care set up. It may be worth reviewing the information included if you don’t want feedback on that bit as I also had the impression this was an issue you needed and would want to address.

Surely if she's had a full on week she needs a day or two in her own home to rest up

Sometimes life happens and you have to prioritise

She's not progressing in life after 5 years because you're always there to buffer anything.

Maybe start slowly reducing the time she spends with you. Your other half sounds like a Saint to be honest and the least he deserves is a couple of days to rest up and get well without an extra vulnerable person there

@surprisebaby12 I shouldn't have waffled on in my op about the amount of time we spend with her, that may have confused you. My concern in that op was about the flu jab & exposing her to flu germs. I can't see where I've asked for advice on the hours we spend with her. My subsequent replies also state that i wasn't asking for advice on the hours we spend with her, but asking about exposing her to flu germs after having the flu jab; and so I felt a couple of pp still felt the need to pick apart our routine, telling me we were ridiculous, despite me saying it works for us. Calling her selfish & demanding really pissed me off as nothing could be further from the truth. No need for the rudeness.

Lesson learned. Stick to the point & don't waffle on with background info that someone is going to enjoy zoning in on.

I should know by now really what it's like on here, some people are just me, me, me. You can't help your adult dc once they reach 18. They're adults who should be leaving home at that age & standing on their own two feet. You can't help the old people in your family as it takes up too much time & they're selfish for accepting any help from you.

Your Mum isn't going to make any effort to create a new life for herself, whilst you are seeing her every day and keeping her entertained. You're enabling her non-action. I know it's hard but your husband having the flu would actually give you the opportunity to step back. Tell her that your husband is unwell, and although she's been vaccinated, it's not 100% effective this year due to a mutant strain. You don't want her catching the flu or anything else just before Christmas. Also explain that your husband's family are keeping away over the weekend too. You need to start leaving your Mum more on her own, I know it sounds cruel, but it's not. Encourage her to seek new hobbies, meet up groups etc. Go with her perhaps a few times?

I don’t think anyone is saying that you can’t look after your DM OP. Lots of is do take care of our own DMs. The advice I was giving you is the same as I’d give any of my DF’s, start as you mean to go on and always have an eye to the future as needs often escalate, not dimish.

I see my DM and do help her but we’ve put things in place to help her cope.

It helps that she’s in a Retirement Village so there is usually someone around and lots of them have also suffered grief so understand how she’s feeling.

Anyway the advice wasn’t meant to upset you. My advice on seeing her this weekend would still be you can see her but you do risk giving her the ‘flu and at her age it could be deadly even if she’s vaccinated. So definitely don’t feel guilty about not seeing her this weekend. It’s one weekend, it’s not ideal but she’ll be a lot happier than if she gets the ‘flu.

@Sassylovesbooks thank you for the advice, but after 5 years we have tried everything. I said in a pp that she will go anywhere & join in, but with one of us. She won't go on her own. She's not going to change now, despite us trying all avenues.
She slots into our family life with no trouble & only spends one weekend night every other weekend, so she doesnt really get in the way; and we certainly don't babysit her, we go out if we have arrangements.

How does she get to you on the weekends? Do you drive 30 miles to pick her up and then bring her back?

Might be worth looking into 55 and over housing with communal areas - they will have social events she can make friends at.

One of my friends moved into one of- she’s single - she has a lovely social life now.

I know that goes beyond your question, but your mum is lonely and it’s a lot on you to be her only source of companionship.

Well thank you all for your input. She's stayed at her own house, dh is getting his recuperation in peace in his own house that he deserves. He won't see her until Xmas Eve so it's a nice long break for him.

i am in a very similar situation. She is a grown adult she will be fine on her own. You don’t need to feel bad.

I think you have answered your own post , tell her it’s her alone day today as your poor husband is ill and needs peace and quiet . Give her a ring for a catch up later and remind her of all the tv programmes that are on ,

Hope your DH feels better soon & your mum manages ok this weekend. You sound a very caring family & that what you & your sister are offering to look after your mum works for you all. I think everyone just wanted to support you in recognising how much you both do and that you’re not unreasonable for any reason to sometimes change the routine if needed.

Anxiety is awful though so I wondered if your mum has ever had help for this. It could really make a different to her daily life in so many ways. It could offer her some strategies to help in days alone or in social situations. She can self refer to NHS Talking Therapies or GP referral. Also it could be grief so would some bereavement counselling help? This might be available free through cruise. Her GP could advise. Do you think she’d be open to getting help?

Agree with this. If she knows how to FaceTime even better. If she doesn’t then it’s maybe one of the things you could help her with when she’s next with you? It’s not too late to learn, i regularly FaceTime a couple of nonagenarians in our family.

you and your sister are enabling this behaviour

Bloody hell. She’s an adult. Just say DH has flu and no visitors. Pandering to her doesn’t help her long term. Many of us have ‘alone days’.

i really hope DH feels better (in peace).

YANBU not wanting her to come round while your DH has flu, put your foot down. YABU for enabling her to become so enfeebled she can’t spend more than a day alone 5 years on from your dad’s death.

Tell her no, it’s not a good idea.

If she is no trouble why worry. Carry on as normal and try to enjoy looking after your loved ones. Tis Cristmas time, time to be together, time to give and take, to create a moment of happiness. Time to be together, whatever the weather. All will be better together.