Don't know what to do with elderly mum this weekend

[Soashamed60]

Sorry for lengthy post: my mum is a widow, with bad nerves & high level anxiety. Since my dad died she has made no effort in creating another life for herself & relies on us all for her entertainment & company. We've got used to this & manage to work it out.
She only has one day in the week where she is completely on her own all day & night, but due to stuff going on she's had company every day this week.
She is supposed to come to our house this weekend but my dh has the flu. I dont want her to come. Everybody else is busy so it's either us or nothing.
I've felt a bit of a push back on this. As she had the flu/covid jab in the autumn she says she'll be ok coming here. She's had a cough/cold on & off since the jab but it's died down a bit. Even though she's had the jab she could still get another bad cold couldnt she, just in time for Xmas?
Dh says he doesn't mind. She just sits on the settee all weekend & has her meals, so not in the way really. Even though she's no trouble I still feel like dh deserves a mil free weekend whilst he has the flu, with me looking after him. It's his house too.
I think it's best if we all keep our distance to minimise the risk of recatching it in time for Xmas. Aibu to my mum?

Every year there is more than one flu virus doing the rounds, the vax protects against the most aggressive, but they can never be sure, which has happened this year.
Your mum is better keeping away, even though there is still a chance she could pick it up elsewhere.

Surely this is not sustainable ?

What happens if you want to go on holiday for a week or 2 weeks with your husband

How old is MIL ?

Does she claim attendance allowance, it is not means tested

If you are under state pension age, you can claim carers allowance (but can only earn a maximum of £196 per week)

I strongly suggest getting her a cleaner (who also chats lots) to provide her with another social contact other than your Immediate family.
80% chat 20% cleaning
Ask friends & neighbours for a local recommendation

Also look for local social groups

Knit & natter
Gardening
Lunch club
Library
Chair exercise
Photography
Board games
Volunteering
Church groups
Etc

Sorry about the absolute car crash of a post and the typos.

One thing it was meant to say was “bearing in mind she could live another 10 years.”

My own DM has anxiety and my DF died 7 years ago so I do understand how difficult it can be but my DM is now in her nineties. Is what you’re doing now sustainable that long? Like a PP said, does it meant that you can’t go on holiday for two weeks or away wirh your DSis ever?

You can get a "falls alarm" for MIL look on your council website

Thank you all for your replies. Me & my sister manage to work it out so that most of the time we have alternate weekends off & a couple of days off each week.
When it comes to holidays we just adapt the routine so we don't miss out on holidays & our mum is still happy. Luckily we have patient husbands!
Tried all the other stuff to make her more independant but to no avail. She has an alarm bracelet too

You must have remarkably patient DHs!

Is it just that she doesn’t like being alone or does something happen when she’s alone?

I’m sure you have tried everything. Does your DM’s wish to spend time with your family and your DSis’s family trump everyone else’s wishes?

If dh ill in bed, will it make much difference if shes there

I’m sure she can manage a few days alone … does she really need company every day?!?

Of course her wishes do not trump everyone else's. When she's here she's no trouble & does not impact our routine in any way whatsoever. She sleeps in the spare room, sits quietly on the sofa, helps with the washing up & making drinks. She gets to see our dc & dgc who love her to bits. If we want to go out with our friends she's quite happy to be left while we go out. She just likes the company rather than being left alone the whole weekend. Her lack of confidence & high anxiety has stopped her from making a new life. If we take her somewhere she'll happily join in with people she does not know. Eg she'll help out at coffee mornings at our little village church as i'm there. She'd never go on her own to her own church though. Me & sister have got things set so that we each get alternate weekends off from her & a couple of week days each. Flexible of course as life gets in the way; so it works for us.
My thread wasn't really about any burden she places on the family in general, it was more about if i was being mean or unreasonable about refusing to have her here when she's had the flu jab. I included the extra info about her anxiety etc so people would understand why i thought i might be mean.

I understand but it’s hard on her to adjust to the sudden loneliness and in her difficult time allow her to lean on you. You don’t know how long she may have left.

It sounds like you really love and her and look after her. Company alone can be the cure for elderly depression so well done to you and your sibling. We are exactly the same with our elderly parents.

Exactly, so we have a routine that keeps everybody happy. It's not a sudden loss though. Our dad died 5 years ago. As they'd been married for 57 years & he was the only relationship she'd ever had she has found it hard to adapt to life without him. It is what it is. We just get on with it & have she gets she can't have company 24/7. It's just hard to renegade on arrangements made to include her on doing nice xmasy stuff this weekend, it feels mean, but for her own good.

You sound so lovely, as do your sister. I think on this very once off you need to ask her not to come. In her 80s she won’t change, and it’s not reasonable to expect her to. If you go on the Sunday, then it’s just Saturday that she’s alone. Call her a few times Or put her on video call while you do stuff.
I do think your dh deserves to recover in his own space. He seems just as lovely so on the once off, he should be able to slouch on the couch if he wishes to without feeling like he can’t.

Totally this. You are restricting your life to a ridiculous level (and your sister is) by pandering to her, making sure she is never left alone, driving backwards and forwards. Because she will not sort herself out and develop a life of her own.

My mum is a widow and has been for 3 years so I get it, but rather than expecting me and sibling to drop everything, she has had to be proactive. So she meets the "girls" she was at school with for a coffee, sees neighbours, goes to church. Your mother is being COMPLETELY unreasonable expecting you and your sister to reassure her anxiety and never leave her alone for more than a day.

Just stop it.

I think you are actually making it worse by someone being with her all the time. Very few older people (who are widowed) will have company every day. Ofcourse its amazing if older people can see their relatives every week, but every day is beyond what the majority of families can do. With many families its weeks or months between visits. She needs to learn its ok to be on your own, find hobbies etc and balance that with seeing relatives and making friends/groups.

As for the flu, if you’ve been around your DH at all in the last week (breathing the same air or touching the same things) there’s every chance you can have it and symptoms are not showing yet. Also, what is the impact on your own relationship/family by never thinking you can have a weekend for you? I think you need to find a good balance.

Honestly, I would say that you are the opposite of mean. It obviously helps that she is nice and just slots into your family life.

It's a shame that she has so little confidence that she can't do things on her own but if your husband and children enjoy her company, it probably isn't worth tackling her anxiety and lack of confidence issues now.

I was widowed at the same time as your mother was.
There is no way that I could make my AC responsible for my happiness. They are the kindest of people, and include me in so much that they do, but these are add-ons to the life I have made for myself on my own.

I am sure you have tried suggesting all the normal things - I am a very active member of a very active local branch of U3A, I run the village hall bookings, run a choir, sing with another, organise local events, do all the local publicity ........ and so it goes on. And this in spite of my heart steadily packing up!

This is her only chance to live a bit before her health crumbles around her and she is truly dependent on others. Death is just around the corner ........!

I am not sure how you can encourage her to be active outside of being with you and the family. But I certainly would not have her anywhere near a flu-ridden household.

What was she like before your Dad died? - did she have any interests - or friends?

@SheinIsShite well that's nice for your mum if she us able to do that. She doesnt have a gang of friends anymore. The friends they had at bowls club are starting to die off or get ill. Two old friends are mid 80's & have ill health. Another died last month.
She's not going to change no so we do the best we can. We still get our freedom, as you will see in one of my earlier replies.
@Lauralou19 if you read my earlier replies you will see that we have enough "time off" to do our own thing & it's not really impacting the rest of the family, except we haven't got the house to ourselves every alternate Saturday & Sunday. She does not stay during the week. All our dc have flown the nests. Sister works part time & I'm lucky enough to have been able to retire at 60.
It is what it is & works for our family.
As I also said in a previous post my question was about how effective the flu jab is & would it be better to leave her alone rather than expose her to dh germs. The background info was included to show why i felt mean about leaving her. It wasn't given to have our care arrangements be picked apart & told it's wrong!! We get our freedom, time alone in our own homes. We have our social lives & take our holidays. Neither of us are being burdened by having her stay on alternate weekends!
Week days we are with her are for helping her to do her food shop, housework, appointments etc & the occasional lunch with elderly aunts/uncle, which we do enjoy.

She's not demanding & appreciates all the time she gets as a lot of elderley people do not see a soul from one week to the next. Surely most people can find the odd day every few months to visit their parents, but some just seem to forget about them instead, & do not carve time into their busy schedules to care about them. Appreciate its harder to do if you live a distance away, got kids, long commute etc

Fwiw, she's been left this weekend, as she has been on the odd previous weekend when both sister & I have had stuff on at the same time. She's bored with no company, but is fine as she knows its for her own good.

You don't "get your freedom" though as you and your sister have to juggle providing emotional support for your mother. And I don't think it's really "nice" for my mum either, given that she lost my dad after 52 years of marriage and now lives alone. Where she is different though is that she is not selfish enough to demand that my sibling and I babysit her like a toddler. Obviously the situation will never change if you, your sibling and mother make no attempt to change it.

If you are happy to spend potentially the next 10 - 15 years living like this then crack on.

And to add,

"Surely most people can find the odd day every few months to visit their parents" is a bit different from spending half the week and every other weekend in some sort of custody-type arrangement.

@Mischance before dad died they had a good social life with the bowls club, & their siblings & spouses. When they were younger they were heavily involved in mencap, raising money. Sadly, a lot of the people they knew from this are in ill health or died. Siblings spouses have died, they live in another town & do not drive. This is what happens when you carry on living in relatively good health whilst the people you know start dying off, it's part of life. She obviously does not have the confidence or energy to take on what you have & at the age of 81 coming up to 82 she's not going to change personalities now

Well it works for us. I fail to see why you are picking apart our lives & our care for our mum when all I was asking about was flu jabs & exposing her to my dh germs.

Just tell her she can't come because your DH has flu and you don't want to entertain her or have the worry of her possibly catching it.

My SIL ended up like this with MIl after FIL died - effectively became her plus one. I think MIL would have been sensible enough to stay away from SIL if she had flu though!

@SheinIsShite I missed your post re your mum losing.your dad after 52 years of marriage. I never meant life is "nice" for your mum, but it is nice that she has the confidence to carry on independantly.
Unfortunately my mum doesn't, so there we have it. We do get our "freedom" to do what we want to do. Yes we do juggle a bit, but we dont mind & we manage.
She DOES NOT demand anything of us & is one of the most unselfish people we know. A bit of a people pleaser really. Guess what? After a little bit of push back last night she actually made the decision herself to stay at home after she'd thought about it all.

You do not know us or anything about us. What works for one family does not work for another.
Again, I FAIL TO SEE WHY YOU ARE PICKING OUR LIVES & CARE ARRANGEMNTS APART WHEN THAT WAS NOT MY INITIAL QUESTION.