Don't know what to do with elderly mum this weekend

[Soashamed60]

Sorry for lengthy post: my mum is a widow, with bad nerves & high level anxiety. Since my dad died she has made no effort in creating another life for herself & relies on us all for her entertainment & company. We've got used to this & manage to work it out.
She only has one day in the week where she is completely on her own all day & night, but due to stuff going on she's had company every day this week.
She is supposed to come to our house this weekend but my dh has the flu. I dont want her to come. Everybody else is busy so it's either us or nothing.
I've felt a bit of a push back on this. As she had the flu/covid jab in the autumn she says she'll be ok coming here. She's had a cough/cold on & off since the jab but it's died down a bit. Even though she's had the jab she could still get another bad cold couldnt she, just in time for Xmas?
Dh says he doesn't mind. She just sits on the settee all weekend & has her meals, so not in the way really. Even though she's no trouble I still feel like dh deserves a mil free weekend whilst he has the flu, with me looking after him. It's his house too.
I think it's best if we all keep our distance to minimise the risk of recatching it in time for Xmas. Aibu to my mum?

@Newyearsameme26 she's 81. Her mobility prevents her from walking far, but that's what taxis are for.
She gets around her bungalow fine & doesn't need care as such. She doesnt contact her friends, probably due to anxiety with knowing what to say etc so they don't contact her. Plus they're all mid 80's too. She gets bored, lonely, is always tired (had tests & she's fine). She won't change. To be honest my dsis was a lot softer from the outset & has made a rod for her own back. I then feel guilty for not doing my bit & so it continues. It is what it is, we get every other weekend off & a couple of days each in the week off. Kids are all grown up & left so we can accommodate her needs.

You are a kind person. Your plan is fine.

That makes sense, op.

It sounds as if she is highly dependent on you and your sister, and you can't see a way of breaking through this. Can you try and challenge this a bit in the future? If she has local friends, can you arrange for one of them to call round when you are visiting, so the pressure is off her and she remembers that it's nice to socialise from time to time.

YANBU. I would arrange to give her a phone call later today if you can. She really does need to work on expanding her social circle. Would she not go to Church or a local pop in club for the elderly?

@maslinpan We've tried. She doesnt contact her friends, probably due to anxiety with knowing what to say etc so they don't contact her. Plus they're all mid 80's too. She gets bored, lonely, is always tired (had tests & she's fine). She won't change. To be honest my dsis was a lot softer from the outset & has made a rod for her own back. I then feel guilty for not doing my bit & so it continues. It is what it is, we get every other weekend off & a couple of days each in the week off. Kids are all grown up & left so we can accommodate her needs most of the time.
She'll just have to put up with it this weekend

I agree. OP's mum seems to have the same level of dependency as a small child that can't be left on its own.

Presumably if she did get ill you would then have to look after her as well? Purely from that point of view I would tell her to keep away.

Time to start weaning her off you. It can’t be fun for anyone to have her there every single weekend, when do you get time to do stuff without her?

It is sensible for your mum to stay home and you have the weekend with DH for him to recover. And regardless of illness sometimes you must have days/weeks when you might need a break and you should be allowed to do this without fear of upsetting your mum.

Is your mum capable around the home could she get to the shops or cook for herself independently? If she’s capable of driving or going out independently by foot or public transport can she think of things she can do to occupy herself? What options does she have to get out the house? Can she walk to a shop to buy a treat with her lunch, go to a coffee shop, museum etc? What are her interests? Does she make things?

Perhaps you can use this as an opportunity to switch things up a bit in the new year and help your mum engage in some activities independently. It sounds like you’ve tried but it might be worth trying again. You and your sister obviously live your mum but it’s a lot of pressure on you both to ‘cover’ her week.

Age UK do a lot of activities from exercise classes to social gatherings, what about WI or does she have neighbours she could invite for coffee? Is she involved in a church? It will be hard at first but she might really enjoy engaging with others outside of family.

Another thought, is she isolated where she lives ? Would a move to a retirement village be something she’d consider? Finances might dictate but there a different types that might suit. They are often independent living but have a community and some communal spaces and activities on site. There are lots around. My parents had a new lease of life when they moved to one. Since dad died mum has made new friendships and joined new activities. It’s fab as there is so much going on on the doorstep- there’s often an option of 2-3 activities each day, from a coffee morning to scrabble, knit & natter, exercise classes, talks, quizzes, music & entertainment nights, occasional theatre trips & excursions. All very tasteful. There’s a communal lounge & restaurant on site. It’s a thriving community where you can engage as much or as little as you like. It gives me peace to know she is getting on with things and has options when I’m not around.

Anyway I hope your DH gets well soon, you avoid the flu & you can find a way to support your mum that is a balance for you all. It’s not easy.

Op I would definitely ask her to defer this weekend and have her as normal next weekend and Xmas.
She's no trouble you say...she sounds like a gem and very rare. The stories I've heard recently of of people stuffing with older parents on their own etc make hair durl

The flu vaccine is notoriously unreliable and ineffective, to a point where I’m unsure why anyone even takes it. Your mother really would be gambling with her health to spend all weekend round someone who is full of flu.

Of course you are not being mean. I absolutely understand that you, your sister and your entire family have been doing your best to look after her and changing it feels like a massive betrayal but here is the truth. You are not responsible for another adult's emotional wellbeing. Not at all.
The more she is being babied, the more helpless she becomes. In the new year, I would strongly suggest setting her up with a social prescribing appointment and making it quite clear that she needs to have more independent (not "alone"!) days. Or at least days where she is partially occupied outside of the house. Because current situation is making everyone miserable. Herself included.

I agree with this actually. You need to start weaning her off her dependency on you both, it's ridiculous! And bad for all of you. There is no resiliency in the arrangement, hence all this soul-searching when someone is ill.

You are loving your Mum into helplessness, which is not really a kindness.

Your poor Mum. In general. Though I completely get how frustrating it is for you.

It’s actually quite irresponsible for anyone to knowingly put themselves at risk of this flu, especially if they are frail in some way.

Time to be firm and say you will not agree to her putting herself at risk of catching it, of bringing part of putting more pressure on the health service or putting your DH in the position of knowing that she caught it from him.

Also that you need to be practical: you can’t risk her catching it because you yourself might well get it.

Time for some Tough love.

It’s all v sensitive though since your Dad died from Covid.

It is very sensible for your mother not to come. She could still get flu. Your husband also deserves not to have your Mother at your house this weekend. I know you say that your mother won’t change, but that being the case, she has to get used to the fact that she will be on her own and bored some days.
Can’t she pick up a book, watch TV, do a jigsaw or something like that.

You will get more support if you post this in the ‘elderly parents’ topic.

I completely agree with this. You are entitled to weekends and time for yourself and you dh together.

As you’ve asked your daughter not to come this weekend, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to not have your mum over this weekend too. You and your sister have/are being very accommodating to her.
My husband is just getting over having flu and my daughter is currently in the thick of it and there’s no way they would have wanted someone else in the house while they were feeling so ill.
Your mum has had lots of company this week so she can stay home.

You are ‘allowed’ to have a different approach to your sister.
I would absolutely not have her round this weekend

going forward I’d gradually reduce contact in small steps for example if she normally arrives for lunch on the Saturday move it to mid afternoon a couple of times.
or mid week just invite her for coffee rather than a few hours. Go round to hers for an hour or two one of the days you usually see her. That sort of thing.

ignore any crying or manipulation
it’s actually cruel enabling this level of dependence.

if she wants carers and us in a position to self fund she can basically have as much paid care as she wants.
otherwise she can request a assessment with the local authority and they will decide if she needs care - based on what you say she likely won’t meet the criteria and they’ll signpost to age concern etc.

she’s totally entitled to decline any groups etc but this doesn’t mean you have to fill all her social needs.

I really wouldn’t go to see her on Sunday. She may not like being alone but visiting an elderly relative when your DH has ‘flu really isn’t as kind as tou tbink it is.

As others have pointed out, the vaccine will not protect her fully, she can still get influenza, just not as severe. It had me in bed for a week last year feeling really quite poorly.

I totally get that she isolated herself from her friends too. One thing I’ve been doing recently is calling their friends myself and arranging to take DM around for a cuppa. This so far has been enough to trigger regular contact again.

I do agree too with having a look at the Elderly Parents Section. It’s usually full pf information and support. I’d also recommend reading the book Twilight Shepherd by John Oakstone.

Once your DH has recovered and you your DM is less at risk of catching the ‘flu, it might be time to talk to her about what her plans are long term, bearing in mind that she might live another decade.

Does she want to remain in her bungalow if she’s not there much anyway? Would she prefer to move to a Care Plus village where she would have her own place but there is usually activities avd people to talk to and more importantly, Care can be bought in if she deteriorates.

And if she’s anxious, has she spoken to the GP? It sounds as though her Vit D levels need checking and the Doctor could also talk to her about the possibility of starting an SSRI.

I have had the jab , but wouldn’t willingly spend time with a household that had flu, the vaccine isn’t preventing a nasty bout of it this year .

It would be perfectly reasonable for her to be on her own 5/6 days a week! Start saying no to her. I’d hate it if I ever depended on my children to that extent.

My ma still got knocked flat for a week by a bug after she’d had her flu jab, there are no guarantees. Keep your distance, stick to your guns, she will survive.

Worth pointing out that if she has contact with you, then SIL will need to keep her distance from her too. Otherwise everyone is risking flu just in time for Christmas and to be blunt, the hospitals are already overrun. At 81 they will try to keep her comfortable at best.