Husband almost dropped baby whilst drunk

[fireflies9]

I need some advice or maybe a reality check here. My husband has always been that person who can’t have just one or two and if he drinks at the pub he’ll end up drunk. I don’t think he’s an alcoholic and functions perfectly fine during the day and is an amazing father when sober.

We went on a trip to visit friends when my daughter was 2m and he ended up getting drunk at dinner. When we got back to the house he picked up the baby and tried to leave our room with her. I asked him to give her back and he refused. He then proceeded to trip over whilst holding the baby almost dropping her but the wall caught him and I begged him to hand her over. He wouldn’t give her back to me and I started crying at that point, scared. I finally managed to coax her off of him but this has stuck with me.

She’s now 4m and he’s been out for Xmas work do’s recently. He’s stayed in hotels when drunk since the incident but tonight came back home absolutely smashed from what was meant to be 1-2 drinks. I’m terrified he’s going to try and pick up the baby again whilst drunk and don’t trust him around her whenever he has a drink now.

When I speak to him he refuses to admit there’s a problem and says I’m being dramatic and that he can handle himself perfectly fine. He can’t! What do I do?

Think about how scared you were watching this. Think about how your dd will feel when she’s old enough to remember this. Older babies are mobile and can be strong so the chances of injury will be even higher when she senses something is wrong and starts squirming and running to get away. It’s very damaging to grow up with a heavy drinking parent and I suspect it affects her future relationship with alcohol too.

People like your h can’t just drink reasonably or infrequently. He’ll either start drinking in secret or it will become the issue that tears you apart as he clearly doesn’t want to stop and if he stops it’ll be for you. Stopping drinking for you won’t work long term- if he stops it’ll has to be because he wants to stop and his social life centres around pubs and getting drunk. I suspect that he will find it hard to avoid the pub (temptation) and you’ll end up being portrayed as being boring and controlling.

Why are you waiting for him to seriously injure or kill your daughter? Protect her and yourself and get away from him.

OP, I lived with someone who was a regular drinker; he drank frequently to the point where he was incapable of parenting safely. I left him in the end. He still drinks. He wasn’t able to prioritise his family over his alcohol consumption.

I don’t want to pile on because you’re no doubt feeling very vulnerable and defensive, but please seek support for yourself and your child. Your ideas of alcoholism are skewed by the family dynamics around you, but you know what’s feels right and what does not. Don’t ignore your gut instinct.

you need to make it clear now , it’s the drink or his family .. he needs to make a choice and if it’s not to give up drinking you need to leave, this is who he is …he should be horrified that he nearly dropped he’s 2 month old baby

'Only drink away from home'
I'm afraid that's not an option. HE must choose to address his drink problem or lose his family forever.
He's a raging alcoholic. It sounds like you're realising this. He must understand he's an actual addict. Alcoholism isn't just someone who needs three shots of vodka in the morning to get going. It's very often exactly what your husband is: a complete loss of control the minute a drop reaches him.

I would assume when he's "blind drunk" (to quote OP) he wouldn't even notice he's being discreetly filmed - I wasn't suggesting OP announce she's doing so, I would expect her to have more common sense (but then, apparently, you don't). 🙄

To put this into context OP, if he saved that amount for your child rather than on alcohol, he could give her more than £200k when she turns 18.

He won’t, though. He’ll spend it on getting drunk instead.

You’re worth more than this current set up and so is your child.

And the longer you stay with him, the more likely she is to replicate this dynamic herself as an adult and end up with someone who is a problem drinker, having to lock herself and her baby in a room to stay safe.

Please don’t make her grow up with this normalised.

I don't understand why you're saying this to the OP. Do you think she should stay? He's a danger already when they are together.
There are ways to mitigate the risk during his time with his child, for example requiring a family member to be there. The OP would need to ensure that the risk his drinking poses is recorded officially in order to protect their child.
What you've posted is just one of many reasons why it's so hard to leave.

I don’t think it’s as straightforward as you’re suggesting - the risk with leaving is that she might have to share custody and hand over her child to him unsupervised, which I think is a greater risk, especially as he doesn’t think he has any problem. This is an incredibly difficult situation for the OP and she needs clear and specific advice - I don’t know the answers but questions for someone to answer for the OP:

a. What evidence does she need of his drinking/risk he poses to get full custody if they split?
b. What is the process for officially recording his drinking?
c. What happens when he argues against it/tells social services she’s lying/exaggerating/dramatic/he’s the victim? How can the OP mitigate this situation?
d. How on earth do you insist on a family member being there for all contact - and how do you also ensure that this family member agrees with the OP and won’t just pay lip service to the supervision? His friends didn’t react to his excessive drinking, his family may not either.

It’s really not as a simple as saying leave and that will improve your child’s safety. If you don’t have the right evidence/don’t know the system you’re dealing with, it’s a larger risk surely? You don’t get to just take your child away to safety unfortunately.

I know all this only too well.
But I think posting that the reasons why it's hard to leave could reinforce OP's fears and make it extremely difficult to take any action.
Leaving isn't the end of it, it's just the first step on a different path away from the immediate danger her husband currently poses when drunk. That doesn't mean the risk has gone altogether but it is reduced. In leaving OP would be doing all she can to protect her child. Staying with him means there's a very real risk of similar happening again, only this time OP knows this but has not done all she can for her child.
She can leave, tell the health visitor, GP and social services why so there's a record which will be useful when it comes to agreeing contact arrangements. They cannot ignore concerns about a child and have a duty of care to assess the risk.

No, I don't think she should just stay put. It's just something to consider, which I'm sure she is doing. I don't think I'd trust the judgement of someone so reckless to not drink excessively when at home and looking after the DC, even when they're older. Doesn't mean she should stay, it's just part of what makes this an incredibly difficult situation.

My sister was drunk and picked up her kid's hamster. She refused to leave him and she dropped him. He died. I know it is not the same but it can really happen. She wasn't even that drunk. You are doing the right thing to protect your baby.

Leave

You're not being dramatic. It can't happen again. Too risky for the baby

Alcoholism is a terrible disease and will strip away the person he was and replace with a liar and a selfish man. He may love his baby very much, but neither of you are safe whilst he is in the grips of this disease. Take care and reach out to those people who have your best interests at heart.