Husband almost dropped baby whilst drunk

[fireflies9]

I need some advice or maybe a reality check here. My husband has always been that person who can’t have just one or two and if he drinks at the pub he’ll end up drunk. I don’t think he’s an alcoholic and functions perfectly fine during the day and is an amazing father when sober.

We went on a trip to visit friends when my daughter was 2m and he ended up getting drunk at dinner. When we got back to the house he picked up the baby and tried to leave our room with her. I asked him to give her back and he refused. He then proceeded to trip over whilst holding the baby almost dropping her but the wall caught him and I begged him to hand her over. He wouldn’t give her back to me and I started crying at that point, scared. I finally managed to coax her off of him but this has stuck with me.

She’s now 4m and he’s been out for Xmas work do’s recently. He’s stayed in hotels when drunk since the incident but tonight came back home absolutely smashed from what was meant to be 1-2 drinks. I’m terrified he’s going to try and pick up the baby again whilst drunk and don’t trust him around her whenever he has a drink now.

When I speak to him he refuses to admit there’s a problem and says I’m being dramatic and that he can handle himself perfectly fine. He can’t! What do I do?

He’s an alcoholic sadly.

Glad you've reached out for help in real life.

Honestly OP, can you leave him? Blackout drunk people are a unique kind of hell. I left my husband who was similar solely because of his drinking. He wasn't violent or anything, just dead behind the eyes after a few drinks, no off switch and had no sense of care or responsibility towards me when drunk. Still makes my skin crawl when I picture him in that state.

Leave for your child's sake women's aid and child services can help

“He wouldn’t give her back to me and I started crying at that point, scared. I finally managed to coax her off of him but this has stuck with me”.

God, this part made my heart drop, OP. You should never be in this position, that must have been so scary for you.

In all honestly, OP. I’d want to be elsewhere. You shouldn’t have to experience this everything he goes out drinking. Bless you, sending bigs hugs to you x

This thread has seriously peaked my anxiety. I used to be a binge drinker (alcoholic) like your OH, and the thought of holding a baby pissed makes me feel ill. I was such a fucking hazard, a baby would not have lasted long. I either would have dropped baby or passed out on top of baby. No way. Wouldn't even want to be in the same house with a baby as a binge drinker, let alone same room.

There's obviously a problem here and you know your baby isn't safe, sounds like you know that.

I suppose it's easy to say leave and never go back. Alcoholism is a disease and if this is a partner you love and see a future with, hopefully you can get distance for a while and urge him to seek help? I know he's not admitting it now, but the stark reality of his family being gone might prompt him.

@EvakaWe’ve only been married a year and a half and he really is the love of my life. I could leave him and would if it never got better but I haven’t brought in his family yet etc which I think needs to happen now and hopefully he will be mortified and realise he needs to change. I for sure won’t be able to have any more children with him this way so that definitely puts things in perspective and hopefully me telling that to him will also wake him up. Basically I’m not ready to give up yet but would definitely consider separate houses whilst he’s on the mend.

And what if he’s never on the mend? What if he doesn’t improve, or have any intention of it?

What the actual fuck OP?! This guy's behaviour is very dangerous.
Don't listen to him. Of course you're not being dramatic. We are talking about the fragile life of your own tiny baby. You are the only human on this planet she can depend on. Your instincts, your heart, your brain are screaming at you to keep the baby safe.
I'm actually glad you reached out to your mum and to MN to reassure yourself that you are right.
Unless your DH gives up alcohol completely for the rest of his life, you must not be around him anymore.
When he is sober you must tell him how scared he makes you feel for your baby's life. He is the man you trust to protect his family. He either gives up alcohol for good or you leave. No middle ground.

I feel for you so deeply. Please just put yourself and baby's needs first, he's not doing that with this behaviour x

@BartholemewTheCatthen obviously I’d have to leave. My point is I want to try telling our family first and using outside help/support.

You’re deluded, OP. Put your baby first, always. She doesn’t have a choice here does she? But you do and it’s your number one priority always to protect her from anyone who might harm her including her waste of space father.

Leave, go to your parents, anyone THEN tell them and let them know why you've taken the steps you have
Locking you and your newborn in a room to keep safe? Oh come on now
Call someone to help you gather your stuff and get out of there
If he's as comatose as you say he is then you have the perfect chance
Seriously!!

But he's in the house drunk now? I think that's everyone's worry. Can someone come round?

When I was a drunk, if my partner had locked himself in a room....I would have just carried on drinking until I didn't really know what was going on. Would have thentried to get into room. Not because I was violent, but because I was off my tits.

I know he's not me, but generally we are all extremely problematic, unable to risk assess, dramatic, as someone said upthread dead behind the eyes and unable to comprehend what we are doing. No off switch. All terribly dangerous when a baby is nearby.

He is an alcoholic if he can't stop drinking to avoid endangering the life of his small child. I think you're so used to seeing him drunk that you don't notice it any more.

You should leave.

Oh goodness I’m sorry this sounds really distressing OP. Your little baby is so incredibly young I would expect him to be able to limit his alcohol intake in the short term for the sake of his family. If he really is the love of your life then you need to read him the riot act and make it clear he needs to stop drinking and/or absolutely limit himself to one drink and done for the sake of your marriage and the sake of your little one. If he cannot do this then I really would move out and stay with your parents for a bit and let him fee the consequences of his actions.

It’s not especially the getting drunk (although if it’s frequent and he can’t control it then that’s obviously a problem in itself) but the coming home drunk and picking up the baby. I went out a couple of times when DS was small and got what could definitely be described as drunk, but I’d not have dreamed of picking him up when I got home. I was out / drinking so DH was ‘on duty’ and short of DH unexpectedly dropping dead I had no involvement until I’d sobered up. If your ‘D’H won’t stop this random picking up the baby when he’s had a drink then you must leave NOW. I’m sorry.

I would be off.

My DH was terrible for getting drunk pre kids but changed a lot since having them. Don’t get me wrong, every so often he will still have too much but always on a special occasion rather than every time he has a drink or two, and he always makes plans to be out the way so his drunkenness doesn’t impact me and the kids. If he ever, ever did that I’d be off.

For me it’s not that he almost dropped the baby, it’s the fact he was then refusing to give the baby to you.

If he’d have been tipsy and stumbled with the baby that’s one thing (tbh though definitely not ok with a baby that young) but to be so drunk he couldn’t see he was in the wrong and wouldn’t give you the baby is really really worrying.

How often does he drink?

Once a week? Once a month? A few times a year?

It really does depend on his intake. If he gets blasted on a few it would suggest that he doesnt actually drink much so his tolerance is low. Which in turn suggests that he isnt actually reliant on alcohol.

So thats where the ulitamtum comes in. No drinking AT ALL or its over. Not a drop as he doesnt have an off switch and simply cant handle it. Then the choice is his. Live sober and be a decent parent or put his own wants and failings first.

But be prepared to see it through. My concern is that based on your last post, you wont. Would you be able to stay with your mum for a few days, explaining that you need to think about things after he did it AGAIN and left you so scared for your baby and yourself that you need to be away from him for a while. That right now you do not feel safe with him.

He needs consequences that show the seriousness of his actions, that you are not over reacting, he is under reacting.

Yes.
OP wise up and end your marriage.
This is going to get worse and worse.

For me it’s not that he almost dropped the baby, it’s the fact he was then refusing to give the baby to you

Yes, that's shocking.

There is a big difference between an alcoholic and a binge drinker.

The former is reliant on alcohol to function, the latter cant function with alcohol inside them, he sounds like the latter. Some people are both, but he doesnt sound like that as the OP doesnt indicate that he drinks at other times.

This is happening tonight, so what is the situation? Is he planning on sleeping on the couch or in a spare room, or does he intend to come to bed with you? Will he get angry when he realises the door is locked and are you ready to call the police if needed?

I'd be concerned about him being in sole charge of baby if they split up though.

It took me a long time to realise the extent of my ex's alcohol problems. For various reasons they were very good at hiding it. The breaking point for me was, after an absolutely horrific Christmas and subsequently repeated - and repeatedly broken - promises that things would get better, I realised that everything that was most important to me was a sham. Our relationship was a sick joke, lurching from alcohol-induced crisis to patching up the debris and ending up waiting for the next alcohol-induced crisis. Our children were being affected every day by the tension and the uncertainty. The stress was literally making me ill.

That was when I finally saw the truth in the (annoyingly trite) statement "Nothing changes if nothing changes." If I wanted things to change I could not rely on my ex to be the agent for that change. It had to come from me. So I gave one more (futile) ultimatum and after yet another round of being lied to about their drinking, I ended the relationship.

It wasn't exactly plain sailing from that point on but it was better. Our home became a place of calm and safety. My children came out of the shells I didn't even realise they were hiding in. There was a lot more laughter and fun. If I could change the past then I'd have left a lot sooner.