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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex says he’s sick of doing shit for me

456 replies

PoptyPin · 12/12/2025 20:23

Tonight it was driving me and our disabled son to a little caravan park so our son could have a festive holiday. Asked ex months ago if he wouldn’t mind driving us as I don’t drive, it’s one hour and 15/20 minutes drive.

Ex turned up this evening and I had booked a food delivery to take with us, delivery was delayed by 20 minutes so I apologised and said does he want to come in with our oldest to wait. He was annoyed saying I should have planned it better and it wasn’t fair, he’s not waiting and no way is he waiting in my house. He said he was sick of doing shit for me, I argued that it wasn’t for me, it was for our son who deserves the same opportunities as his sibling, it’s not like he’s driving me to a spa weekend etc. he called me an arsehole and stormed off.

i cancelled the delivery as they kept pushing it back, i sat in the car and told him i had cancelled it, oldest said i was a bitch and how ungrateful I was to Dad. I shouted at him to not call me that and to show me some respect.

Ex put on happy Christmas music and chatted to DS and I cried all the way there as I was so looking forward to a happy, festive weekend with youngest. (It was dark, the kids wouldn’t have seen but I just felt fucking broken in that moment by everything)

Ex struggled to find the accommodation and again said how he was sick of doing this shit for ME. DS joined in with how mammy is ungrateful and I tried to say how it’s not for me, it’s for his sibling who deserves a little holiday, he has profound needs and it’s not easy on my own with him.

Ex dropped off all the stuff for us but fucking hell. It’s the last time I ask him to help us. AIBU? Was I ungrateful? Who was unreasonable?

OP posts:
OopOop · 12/12/2025 22:59

BigMommasHouse · 12/12/2025 22:58

Most People wouldn’t piss on their ex if they were on fire.

If you’ve got a profoundly disabled kid you have to suck up pissing on them in a fire for the sake of that profoundly disabled kid. If you don’t, you’re a cunt.

thebabessavedme · 12/12/2025 23:02

The bloke is a cunt.

Sohelpmegod25 · 12/12/2025 23:04

I mean his behaviour wasn’t acceptable in any way, shape or form but I absolutely wouldn’t by asking an ex to ferry me about especially if we weren’t amicable. It just gives him more ammunition to throw back at you. Next time get a taxi and don’t even bother asking him! Save yourself the stress and upset.

Stravaig · 12/12/2025 23:05

Dymaxion · 12/12/2025 22:51

It is not your ex's job to help you provide a festive holiday experience for your child during your time with them.

Did you miss the bit that said that this was actually Ex's scheduled time with DS, but he never takes him away ? He gets a get out of jail free card by driving his DS to his holiday destination. I appreciate it is in the dark which is something completely out of the ordinary for anyone living in the UK between October and March Grin

Did you miss the bit that said that this was actually Ex's scheduled time with DS, but he never takes him away ?

Very selective quoting and comprehension from you, given my very next sentence was 'It is his job to care for them during his time with them.' If it was Ex's scheduled time, OP should not have been there, nor involved in any way.

These two need to be disentangled; they are utterly toxic in combination and are already damaging their kids.

blueumbrella2016 · 12/12/2025 23:08

You're not being unreasonable, assuming he is the biological father. If you paid for the holiday (and the food!) driving you there is his contribution to the lad's holiday. If he didn't want to be a father why did he knock you up?

outerspacepotato · 12/12/2025 23:13

Your ex was good enough to agree to chauffeur you, you could at least be ready to leave on time.

Unless there's a medical reason you can't, you really need to learn to drive and function independently.

cloudtreecarpet · 12/12/2025 23:14

BigMommasHouse · 12/12/2025 22:58

Most People wouldn’t piss on their ex if they were on fire.

And that's a good thing is it? When there are joint children involved?
And when one of those children has profound needs as is the case here?

When a child has the needs the OP's child has surely it's even more important for the two adults who brought that child into the world to work together to make life easier for everyone involved?

MyrtleLion · 12/12/2025 23:18

PoptyPin · 12/12/2025 22:47

He used to do this when we were together-so we would be off all weekend and I would suggest taking them to the beach or softplay and he would moan again that he’s sick of always doing things for other people or he’s sick of having to do shit for me. Um. No. It’s called taking your children out and spending time with them. He would complain that he was doing it for me like love spending 2 hours in softplay on a Saturday 🙄

Show quote history

This is the main point. Your ex says he's sick of doing shit for you, but actually it wasn't for you, it was for his son.

You are right to have split up from him because he doesn't seem to care about his own child or want to do anything for him.

I am so sorry that he is phrasing his poor parenting as your fault.

You deserve so much better.

OopOop · 12/12/2025 23:18

outerspacepotato · 12/12/2025 23:13

Your ex was good enough to agree to chauffeur you, you could at least be ready to leave on time.

Unless there's a medical reason you can't, you really need to learn to drive and function independently.

He agreed to ‘chauffeur’ his own profoundly disabled child.
I mean, he could have taken him on holiday himself, negating the need for his ex’s involvement, but that would have been too much like hard work.

Wasitabadger · 12/12/2025 23:22

PoptyPin · 12/12/2025 22:42

Thanks, our son used to have a mobility car which ex drove but he had to send it back when we separated. I claim the mobility payment now which I use for taxis etc. I do need to learn to drive - I have tried in the past and was absolutely shocking 😆 I failed 4 times and found the whole thing soul destroying!

Ex does look after our son 2 nights per week while I work, ithe issue is him not taking him out on his own - even just to the park or for a little walk. It’s a shame as he’s sat in the house all weekend.

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You maybe in a position to request a grant from Mobility for driving lessons due to your son’s needs. I know there has been a lot of negativity over mobility recently. which is partly due to bad management on the mobility scheme administration. However if your son is profoundly disabled that is different, if you have a genuine need to support community access. Have you had a carers assessment from social care to enable you to have some respite and access suitable accommodation for your short breaks. If you require any further advice. Please do not hesitate to private message me.

outerspacepotato · 12/12/2025 23:27

OopOop · 12/12/2025 23:18

He agreed to ‘chauffeur’ his own profoundly disabled child.
I mean, he could have taken him on holiday himself, negating the need for his ex’s involvement, but that would have been too much like hard work.

Show quote history

She has a disabled son and she can't always rely on her ex for transportation.

They are split up and she needs to be able to function as independently as she can. What if something happens to her ex and he can't drive for a period of time? What if his car is not running?

He doesn't owe her transportation. And it's really rude to not be ready in a timely manner when she's getting rides.

OopOop · 12/12/2025 23:33

outerspacepotato · 12/12/2025 23:27

She has a disabled son and she can't always rely on her ex for transportation.

They are split up and she needs to be able to function as independently as she can. What if something happens to her ex and he can't drive for a period of time? What if his car is not running?

He doesn't owe her transportation. And it's really rude to not be ready in a timely manner when she's getting rides.

Show quote history

Of could he doesn’t ‘owe’ her. He does ‘owe’ the kid that he was 50% responsible for producing, however. And currently he does nothing like 50% of that child’s care.
The OP booked a delivery slot to arrive before they needed to leave. The fact that it was late is not her fault. Even if it was her fault, she is taking on the vast majority of the care for their joint, profoundly disabled child and most decent humans would suck up the minor inconvenience of having to wait for a food shop for the sake of that disabled child.
i maintain than anyone who has a tantrum about this is an absolute cunt.
ETA how much inconvenience do you think the OP has to put up with while doing the vast majority of the care for their joint profoundly disabled child? I’d wager it’s a lot. Good job she doesn’t have a baby wah wah tantrum every time her disabled child inconveniences her in some way, isn’t it?

OopOop · 12/12/2025 23:36

Honestly the male apologists on this site have me 🤯.

mazedasamarchhare · 12/12/2025 23:52

OopOop · 12/12/2025 23:36

Honestly the male apologists on this site have me 🤯.

me too OopOop, not to mention the total ignorance of the difficulties and challenges of parenting a profoundly disabled child.

Quiltedconcrete · 12/12/2025 23:58

mazedasamarchhare · 12/12/2025 23:52

me too OopOop, not to mention the total ignorance of the difficulties and challenges of parenting a profoundly disabled child.

Edited
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It’s crazy isn’t it?

I’m dumbfounded at the assumptions made here.

and OP gets 2 nights off of caring a week to go to work! OP is doing round the clock care.

Eyeshadow · 13/12/2025 00:02

I failed 4 times and found the whole thing soul destroying!

Please don’t give up OP when you have already done all of the hard work!!!

You need to kept pushing on and the longer you leave it between lessons, the harder it will be.

It is much easier once you have passed as you will learn to drive properly then (and not use half of the things you learnt in your lessons).

You cannot depend on him git lifts - even if you were together you shouldn’t.

It will give you so much independence and it’s important for things like emergencies. I think with a child like DS it would be so much easier.

Eyeshadow · 13/12/2025 00:04

OopOop · 12/12/2025 23:36

Honestly the male apologists on this site have me 🤯.

I’m a woman and I personally wouldn’t want to drive 6 hours in 1 weekend to take my ex somewhere when he could learn to drive himself.

As a one off I’d do it for my child but it’s the ongoing asking for favours that he has an issue with and I would too.

I think him bringing it up in front of the kids is completely unacceptable though and he should have also told the eldest off.

Nancylancy · 13/12/2025 00:06

YANBU. If he didn't want to take you he could have just said no!
But instead he did it begrudgingly, berated you and made you feel like shit in the process.
Absolutely no need!
That was all on your ex. Next time ask someone who will say yes and actually mean it.

Quiltedconcrete · 13/12/2025 00:10

Eyeshadow · 13/12/2025 00:04

I’m a woman and I personally wouldn’t want to drive 6 hours in 1 weekend to take my ex somewhere when he could learn to drive himself.

As a one off I’d do it for my child but it’s the ongoing asking for favours that he has an issue with and I would too.

I think him bringing it up in front of the kids is completely unacceptable though and he should have also told the eldest off.

Show quote history

I think you are missing the huge levels of context here…

OP cares for a profoundly disabled child 5 days out of 7
she works the other other 2 days in a job.

meanwhile dad of the year:
drives his son and his carer ( albeit ex wife) to a holiday weekend 1-2 times a year.

whatisthegoddamnholdup · 13/12/2025 00:12

Honestly learn to drive so you won’t be dependent on him for things like this, it’s not your fault he’s an arse but it will make life easier for you and your child

viques · 13/12/2025 00:12

He may be an ex partner to the OP, but he isn’t an ex father to the children.

IMTHECRAZYOLDLADY · 13/12/2025 00:20

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. But you should learn to drive so you don’t have to ask for a favour.

Imanautumn · 13/12/2025 00:25

PoptyPin · 12/12/2025 20:31

Harsh lesson learned - definitely make our own way there next time. I can’t remember if DS said I was being a bitch or that I was a bitch but still. It felt like they both ganged up on me and the whole journey was so depressing.

Show quote history

Your son probably sides with his dad as he’s scared of him, and not you.

DeepRubySwan · 13/12/2025 00:36

I failed 4 times and found the whole thing soul destroying!

I did too! And got it on my 5th, have now been driving for ten years and have never had an accident nor have any traffic history or record. You CAN do it.

HRTQueen · 13/12/2025 00:48

what a poor excuse for a man

and shame on those just piling in not being one bit empathetic to the very difficult situation you are in

sadly op you will going forward have to do as much as you possibly can with out expecting him to step up to be a good father, he isn’t it’s a very sad situation and a reflection on how low the bar is for men that so many feel he is doing you a favour

try and be kind to yourself because he won’t be