Ex says he’s sick of doing shit for me

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Tonight it was driving me and our disabled son to a little caravan park so our son could have a festive holiday. Asked ex months ago if he wouldn’t mind driving us as I don’t drive, it’s one hour and 15/20 minutes drive.

Ex turned up this evening and I had booked a food delivery to take with us, delivery was delayed by 20 minutes so I apologised and said does he want to come in with our oldest to wait. He was annoyed saying I should have planned it better and it wasn’t fair, he’s not waiting and no way is he waiting in my house. He said he was sick of doing shit for me, I argued that it wasn’t for me, it was for our son who deserves the same opportunities as his sibling, it’s not like he’s driving me to a spa weekend etc. he called me an arsehole and stormed off.

i cancelled the delivery as they kept pushing it back, i sat in the car and told him i had cancelled it, oldest said i was a bitch and how ungrateful I was to Dad. I shouted at him to not call me that and to show me some respect.

Ex put on happy Christmas music and chatted to DS and I cried all the way there as I was so looking forward to a happy, festive weekend with youngest. (It was dark, the kids wouldn’t have seen but I just felt fucking broken in that moment by everything)

Ex struggled to find the accommodation and again said how he was sick of doing this shit for ME. DS joined in with how mammy is ungrateful and I tried to say how it’s not for me, it’s for his sibling who deserves a little holiday, he has profound needs and it’s not easy on my own with him.

Ex dropped off all the stuff for us but fucking hell. It’s the last time I ask him to help us. AIBU? Was I ungrateful? Who was unreasonable?

14! Not that the age matters. He'd have had a rather red cheek from that little remark. Don't put up with that shit.

and maybe try to learn in an automatic it’s much much easier (if you haven’t already) cars are a bit more pricey though but are coming down (hopefully you are eligible for pip mobility)

I couldn’t get to grips with a manual passed in an automatic can now drive manual too but much prefer automatic

So when women split up with a man they are still a child's mother so should help the father do things because well she isnt an ex mother to the children? Or he could actually like an adult and stand on his own 2 feet

It works both ways, its always amusing the double standard on here when it comes to men and women

If it helps those who are not getting it....here is a handy translation

"I AM SO SICK OF DOING SHIT FOR YOU!!! YOU ARE AN ARSEHOLE"

Translation

"I cant be arsed to be a decent father to the seriously disabled child that I am a parent to. Its YOUR job to sort that shit, because I dont want to. I want to do the fun stuff and I will just do that with the easy teen one who now buys into my bullshit. I am not going to be a father to the disabled one as he is too much hard work for me, so thats your job. I am sick of you asking me to step up and do the job I signed up for when we agreed to become joint parents to him"

HTH

Any idea how much lessons cost? Then a car? Then insurance? Then fuel? Then ongoing costs?

I’m really torn.

The way he spoke to you is disgraceful and to have your son say the same is another problem. It is abusive. The reading your updates that he would talk to you like this before when it was for your children… I get why he is an ex.

You asked ages ago, and he agreed. If he didn’t want to he could have said no.
I do think you should have organised the shopping better. Why not the day before so there was no rush waiting for it?

I think for your sake you need to stop asking him for things. His children or not, don’t give him the ammunition.

You need to then have some stern words with your eldest. Otherwise he is going to end up just like your ex.

Well the father and everyone else manages

Your ex is a nasty piece of work, he riled up the eldest against you who probably resents his younger brother needs, empowering him to verbally abuse you and you don't know what that could next lead to.
I know nothing about your custody arrangements but ex obviously sees himself as a martyr
Which is no good so you don't/can't rely on him because he'd using his resentment as a stick to beat you with
Speak to your council, citizens advice, relevant organizations about mobility schemes and social networks youngest and you can get involved with
As for the eldest draw a line in the sand and tell him any more nonsense and lack of respect he can go to daddy forever and lets see how long he will last if he mouths off to him!

I think you all need serious counselling. It will help you truly separate from him so that you’re not booking things that rely on him to provide transport. Crying instead of making very clear boundaries is not a healthy response either. I don’t know why you continued with the trip.

Good god. It's his son too. Yes he should drive you the lazy cheeky fucker. Why shouldnt he take some responsibility. He produced a fuckng child. He should grow up. All these twats who think they have no responsibilty just coz they've split up. Fucking wake up.

No help at mo..

But driving is a basic life skill..!!

In the New year could you prioritise learning to drive?

Then this will no longer be an issue... As the hot driving issue won't go away until you solve it...

Presumably with the level of need your son has, he'd be eligible for motability?

Yes... But her ex is an arse... And this will continue to be an issue until OP gets a license /doesn't have to rely on this person.

Plenty of people do manage to get licenses... Through a mix of SOME lessons and having people sit with them while they practice...

Yes and running a car isn't cheap...

And most people with this degree of disability are eligible for a motability car...

Wow no way would I expect an ex to do all of that. I'm an adult on my own 2 feet and it I wanted to go away etc I would arrange it myself. Your ex is not your taxi service

Op i can’t drive due to health reasons and medication. I find it incredibly hard sometimes and also have kids with similar inherited issues so I feel incredibly trapped when they struggle with public transport .
Plus public transport doesn’t give me the autonomy to choose a destination i really want to go to but I wouldn’t ask my kids’ dad. The only time I’ve ever asked for help from him is very minimal and usually linked to a health emergency for our kids.
i believe we are no longer together therefore I make sure to get on with it despite my limitations.
its hard but it’s not healthy for the kids to witness all this obnoxious behaviour and rudeness, its already rubbing off, nip it in the bud.

I think people are being really unfair here, and there’s a multitude of reasons why someone doesn’t drive.

imagine if a friend spoke to you the way your ex has, you would be cutting ties. He behaviour is horrible - no.need to be so nasty. If he didnt want to help you get your child to the accommodation he should have said no. Waiting for the delivery is mild inconvenience and he could have spent the time with his child. He is immature and selfish. I feel awful for you. Time for boundaries that keep you safe from his treatment. You got this. Hope you enjoy the break.

I assumed it was a food delivery to take with them for the holiday! The journey was only over an hour.

I wouldn’t drive my ex and I would never ask him to drive me. My holiday, my problem. The food shop really was pushing it as despite the three hour round trip you wanted him to wait about for an extra half hour. He isn’t “nice” enough to put up with that, so you can’t rely on him going forward.
you need to make your own plans in future and plan ahead with the shopping .

I would have been giving the lift quite begrudgingly in the first place, so to then be asked to wait an extra 20 minutes on top would have put me in a foul mood and make me think you were taking the piss. So I do think you were being unreasonable there.
There's no way he should be teaching/allowing your son to talk to you like that though.

Are you the OP whos older son stayed with Dad when you separated earlier this year?

He’s a horrible prick. I’m sorry your wee holiday started off in this way, OP. I hope you manage to turn it around and have a lovely time

I think this will end up being a positive moment - a moment where you realise splitting up with your partner was 110% the correct decision and also the moment you know you need to learn to drive. You’ll look back on this and it’ll be a turning point for a more positive future!

As far as the driving goes, next time learn and do your test in an automatic, it makes a huge difference.

It was a food delivery for our accommodation as it can be difficult eating out with my youngest.

I would never have asked my ex-husband for this sort of favour. Our lives after divorce were completely separate. We didn't even speak when he picked the children up or dropped them off.

Some divorced couples have an amicable relationship but you obviously don't so I'm not surprised that your ex isn't happy about doing favours for you.