Ex says he’s sick of doing shit for me

[PoptyPin]

Tonight it was driving me and our disabled son to a little caravan park so our son could have a festive holiday. Asked ex months ago if he wouldn’t mind driving us as I don’t drive, it’s one hour and 15/20 minutes drive.

Ex turned up this evening and I had booked a food delivery to take with us, delivery was delayed by 20 minutes so I apologised and said does he want to come in with our oldest to wait. He was annoyed saying I should have planned it better and it wasn’t fair, he’s not waiting and no way is he waiting in my house. He said he was sick of doing shit for me, I argued that it wasn’t for me, it was for our son who deserves the same opportunities as his sibling, it’s not like he’s driving me to a spa weekend etc. he called me an arsehole and stormed off.

i cancelled the delivery as they kept pushing it back, i sat in the car and told him i had cancelled it, oldest said i was a bitch and how ungrateful I was to Dad. I shouted at him to not call me that and to show me some respect.

Ex put on happy Christmas music and chatted to DS and I cried all the way there as I was so looking forward to a happy, festive weekend with youngest. (It was dark, the kids wouldn’t have seen but I just felt fucking broken in that moment by everything)

Ex struggled to find the accommodation and again said how he was sick of doing this shit for ME. DS joined in with how mammy is ungrateful and I tried to say how it’s not for me, it’s for his sibling who deserves a little holiday, he has profound needs and it’s not easy on my own with him.

Ex dropped off all the stuff for us but fucking hell. It’s the last time I ask him to help us. AIBU? Was I ungrateful? Who was unreasonable?

This is spot on. Hope you are okay OP, and you can enjoy your Christmas.

but you can’t rely on him for favours as that’s not really how things work.

Taking your child on holiday is called being a parent, not a favour, he gets the easy part of this deal, a bit of driving in return for OP taking his child on holiday because he can't manage to cope with doing it.

Well firstly he sounds like a crap dad and a horrible person and I would be having words with your eldest son to make sure he does not turn out like him.

They have a profoundly disabled son which sounds like it is all on the OP. No respite or even acknowledgement that she is carrying 100% of the load. I hope you are making him pay financially. I realise you probably don't get lots of free time to take driving lessons but if you do pass your test you would probably get a motability car which would help you significantly.

I suggest you do not ask him for lifts ever again as he just uses it as a stick to beat you with as if he is doing you a favour despite the fact he NEVER LOOKS AFTER HIS DISABLED SON, JUST THE EASY ONE. Yes that is capital letters for a reason. Absolutely disgusted.

I have to be honest for an ex to do this for you he’s pretty good!
He is absolutely not obliged to do this regardless whether it includes his child or not. It isn’t medical therefore this is merely him doing this out of the goodness of his heart. 🤷🏽‍♀️

He has no new partner, we are recently separated. This weekend is actually his weekend with our youngest so he gets the whole weekend off from caring (I booked annual leave from work)

However stamp on your kids behaviour talking to you in that way. Absolutely vile.

I would put all your effort into learning to drive and I would spend as little time as possible with ex and not ask him for these sort of (big) favours

Completely agree! The ex sounds like an absolute piece of shit - probably enjoys using stuff like this as an excuse to be a total knob and lord it over the OP. It’s his son too. No way should he talk to her like this it’s a disgrace. And yes sort out any bad attitude from the kids even if it is copied from the ex… Amazed that some people think she is being unreasonable.

Don’t be ridiculous, plenty of families don’t go on regular holidays.

You can’t make plans and expect other people to facilitate those plans for you regardless of the situation.

Have you got anything nice planned while you’re there OP?

Learning to drive is expensive and some people find it very difficult (I know I do). I presume it's also more difficult for the OP to find the time because she's caring for her disabled son. So I don't really think "learn to drive" is an ideal solution here. I find that people who learn in their teens or as young adults and have lessons organised and paid for by their parents often have very little idea of their own privilege in this respect.

I actually don't think giving a lift so your child can have a holiday, cared for by their other parent, is an unreasonable thing to expect. Parents should do stuff for their kids. That includes supporting the other parent in their parenting, especially when they're carrying most of the load.

I can’t believe how unkind and flat out rude and nasty your ex was. I don’t care if he’s your ex. You just don’t treat another person that way. I don’t care who it is. The responses to this post just blow me away too. Did I miss something? SMH!!!

He shouldn't have spoke to you like that especially infront of the kids. I think he should have told you no and set that boundary if he didn't want to do it but he shouldn't agree and then moan about it. Definitely finding an alternative way of getting places in the future would be best.

Thanks, our son used to have a mobility car which ex drove but he had to send it back when we separated. I claim the mobility payment now which I use for taxis etc. I do need to learn to drive - I have tried in the past and was absolutely shocking 😆 I failed 4 times and found the whole thing soul destroying!

Ex does look after our son 2 nights per week while I work, ithe issue is him not taking him out on his own - even just to the park or for a little walk. It’s a shame as he’s sat in the house all weekend.

Poor man doing all that awful driving and in the dark too - while his ex looked after their profoundly disabled child ON HER OWN on HIS weekend no less while he got to spend time chilling with his eldest child.
But, gosh, all that terrible driving he agreed to do though....

Honestly, women can never be anything but criticised can they? It's always the "poor man".

This sounds so toxic all around, it's not good for any of you. You and he are obviously the sort of ex-partners who need to be cleanly separated.

It is not your ex's job to help you provide a festive holiday experience for your child during your time with them. It is his job to care for them during his time with them. If he doesn't do much or anything with them, well, you all need to be clear-eyed and honest about that, about who he is as a person and as a father.

You need to end your expectations and ongoing entanglement with him, and the kids need to understand that he's actually a crappy father. Over time this will help mend their disrespect of you.

That's blunt and matter-of-fact, but big hugs and love to you @PoptyPin , working your arse off in trying circumstances. I hope you and your kids have a lovely Christmas 💕🎄 .

Yeah lied, should I say yes or no actually

He used to do this when we were together-so we would be off all weekend and I would suggest taking them to the beach or softplay and he would moan again that he’s sick of always doing things for other people or he’s sick of having to do shit for me. Um. No. It’s called taking your children out and spending time with them. He would complain that he was doing it for me like love spending 2 hours in softplay on a Saturday 🙄

I think this is a sign that your ex has reached a threshold and you need to pay attention to that.

It’s mind blowing isn’t it? Poor menz having to drive their own disabled child somewhere in the dark 😢

Maybe the OP has reached a threshold, caring for their joint child 5 nights out of 7?

Because in his head, the kids were/are a "you" thing, so anything that they needed he was doing for you as clearly the kids were/are your job. He is only doing stuff with eldest now that eldest is almost self sufficient and buying into his "mum is a bitch" narrative. He is not being a father to him at all, he is trying to be his best friend.

It is not your ex's job to help you provide a festive holiday experience for your child during your time with them.

Did you miss the bit that said that this was actually Ex's scheduled time with DS, but he never takes him away ? He gets a get out of jail free card by driving his DS to his holiday destination. I appreciate it is in the dark which is something completely out of the ordinary for anyone living in the UK between October and March

Aaaaaand another one who doesn’t understand the huge lack of time and money available if you have a profoundly disabled child. Please please educate yourself. A profoundly disabled child will mean: very limited, if any respite care. This is a child who will NEVER be an independent adult and will always require a high level of care. Because of the PROFOUND disability, finding a carer, just for a couple of hours a week, so OP can learn to drive will be almost impossible, fighting for funding will be a full time job, and Op will be made to jump through hoops to get even a middle tier of funding and bloody good luck getting the higher level. Even if OPs son is at a special school, the hours tend to shorter than a normal school day. (Depends on the school obviously but the one I worked in, the kids arrived between 9:30-10:00 and left at 3PM, sometimes if we were short staffed they would have to go home, or have their parent come in at lunchtime to do the feeding. Many children with a profound disability cannot feed themselves, some have will have a PEG, some will have an NGT (both these feeding regimes require a trained staff member, if there isn’t one, then the kid goes home, or parent comes in) yes it’s shit, but it is what it is. Other kids need to be fed in a certain position, again that can require two people to manoeuvre the child into the correct position, because even brilliantly adapted wheelchairs still can’t stop a child with a low muscle tone, from slumping forward or to the side. A child with low muscle tone is also likely to have some swallowing issues, so food will need to be modified, and some of these little ones need a special diet, which their parent provides (it’s not a case of sanis and a pack of crisp in a lunch box)
many parents, if they work, can only work part time because they will have numerous appointments with a whole range of medics and AHP, further limiting their earning potential….have you seen the cost of driving lessons? Also equipment given on loan, is very often only just fit for purpose, if you want anything more than a bog standard wheel chair ie one which is electric, one which tilts, one which can have a communication device fitted, you’ll need to contribute to that yourself…shall I go on? Or have I made my point? A disabled child costs an awful lot more than a non disabled one (sorry I haven’t phrased that well and appreciate it could be seen as offensive, it’s not meant to be, I’m just bloody angry at some of these ignorant posts). It’s absolutely shocking the ‘invisible’ costs involved, because you know it’s not as if it’s hard enough having a profoundly disabled child…

Most People wouldn’t piss on their ex if they were on fire.