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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex says he’s sick of doing shit for me

456 replies

PoptyPin · 12/12/2025 20:23

Tonight it was driving me and our disabled son to a little caravan park so our son could have a festive holiday. Asked ex months ago if he wouldn’t mind driving us as I don’t drive, it’s one hour and 15/20 minutes drive.

Ex turned up this evening and I had booked a food delivery to take with us, delivery was delayed by 20 minutes so I apologised and said does he want to come in with our oldest to wait. He was annoyed saying I should have planned it better and it wasn’t fair, he’s not waiting and no way is he waiting in my house. He said he was sick of doing shit for me, I argued that it wasn’t for me, it was for our son who deserves the same opportunities as his sibling, it’s not like he’s driving me to a spa weekend etc. he called me an arsehole and stormed off.

i cancelled the delivery as they kept pushing it back, i sat in the car and told him i had cancelled it, oldest said i was a bitch and how ungrateful I was to Dad. I shouted at him to not call me that and to show me some respect.

Ex put on happy Christmas music and chatted to DS and I cried all the way there as I was so looking forward to a happy, festive weekend with youngest. (It was dark, the kids wouldn’t have seen but I just felt fucking broken in that moment by everything)

Ex struggled to find the accommodation and again said how he was sick of doing this shit for ME. DS joined in with how mammy is ungrateful and I tried to say how it’s not for me, it’s for his sibling who deserves a little holiday, he has profound needs and it’s not easy on my own with him.

Ex dropped off all the stuff for us but fucking hell. It’s the last time I ask him to help us. AIBU? Was I ungrateful? Who was unreasonable?

OP posts:
winterbluess · 12/12/2025 22:04

Yeah you were in the wrong for faffing around with the delivery. You should have got it much earlier in the day so you were all ready to go.
There was no need for the verbal abuse though, he's being a prick

OopOop · 12/12/2025 22:05

CalculatingCrispen · 12/12/2025 21:59

Taking his own child on a holiday is "guilting" him? Wow. It is EVERY parent's duty to make sure their children get the best they possibly can.

Deadbeat dads will love you, for sure

Edited
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💯

TeaAndTattoos · 12/12/2025 22:05

Well no one needs to guess why this perf charming man is an ex. Unfortunately I think you need to stop asking him for anything especially when he seems to think that it’s all for you when it’s all for the son that he doesn’t seem to want anything to do with. I would be having a serious conversation with your oldest when you get back no way should he be speaking to you like that. That needs addressing and fast before he becomes anymore like your ex. Hope you manage to enjoy the weekend with your son.

mazedasamarchhare · 12/12/2025 22:06

Alpacajigsaw · 12/12/2025 21:56

I didn’t say it was, but also it would hardly have been rocket science for the OP to have got the food delivery last night instead of at the time she was due to leave today 🙄

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The thing is alpaca op has a profoundly disabled son. That means Op will be doing a lot of extra care way and above ‘normal’ parenting. So getting a shopping delivered within a two hour timeframe before heading off, saves op having to unpack, then repack the groceries. It’s actually a very sensible plan, if the delivery was on time. Op could not have foreseen her delivery would be delayed.
people really don’t have a clue about having a profoundly disabled child this isn’t a mild, moderate or even severe disability. Maybe look up what covers profound difficulties, then come back with your eye rolling emoji.

Quiltedconcrete · 12/12/2025 22:07

Starzinsky · 12/12/2025 21:49

Using your ex as a personal taxis service and guilting him into doing it for the kids is not on. Getting a shop so close to the pickup time yes was really bad planning. The fact you think it's should be his duty is absolutely shocking.

Well perhaps he should do his duty and pay for a carer to do his 50% share of parenting. that would give OP the time to order her shopping early.

I’d guess he’d choose paying for a taxi a couple of times a year over that every time.

shhblackbag · 12/12/2025 22:08

paintingtheroses · 12/12/2025 20:48

He can't be that bad if he agreed to do a 2.5 hour round journey for you.

I have to say, if I'd agreed to do a favour for someone and they made me hang around waiting on a last-minute food delivery I'd be pretty pissed off with them.

I think you either need to learn to drive or get someone else to drive you around.

I'd be so, so annoyed. YABU for that.

OopOop · 12/12/2025 22:09

mazedasamarchhare · 12/12/2025 22:06

The thing is alpaca op has a profoundly disabled son. That means Op will be doing a lot of extra care way and above ‘normal’ parenting. So getting a shopping delivered within a two hour timeframe before heading off, saves op having to unpack, then repack the groceries. It’s actually a very sensible plan, if the delivery was on time. Op could not have foreseen her delivery would be delayed.
people really don’t have a clue about having a profoundly disabled child this isn’t a mild, moderate or even severe disability. Maybe look up what covers profound difficulties, then come back with your eye rolling emoji.

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Exactly this. Anyone who doesn’t have experience in raising a profoundly disabled child can bleat on about ‘you should have been more organised’ all they like but it won’t change the fact that her ex, and anyone who says they would behave the same way, is a pathetic parent.

JanetareyouokareyouokJanet · 12/12/2025 22:11

Jesus people are really shitty on this thread. If I was your friend or neighbour or even as an acquaintance I would have given you a lift and have waited for the food delivery. Things happen. Everyone on here seem to be the busiest, most self sufficient and impeccably organised people on the planet.

I hope you and your son have a great holiday and Christmas sending you a big hug.

Original poster
PoptyPin · 12/12/2025 22:12

JanetareyouokareyouokJanet · 12/12/2025 22:11

Jesus people are really shitty on this thread. If I was your friend or neighbour or even as an acquaintance I would have given you a lift and have waited for the food delivery. Things happen. Everyone on here seem to be the busiest, most self sufficient and impeccably organised people on the planet.

I hope you and your son have a great holiday and Christmas sending you a big hug.

Thank you ☺️

OP posts:
Turtleyturtles · 12/12/2025 22:12

He sounds horrible. You asked him to take you and HIS son and he complained about it? He complained about taking HIS son on holiday? I'm assuming you do a lot more for your kids than he does, so he's not being 'nice' driving you there, he is doing the easy part. Looking after children on holiday, especially a disabled child is hard work. It's not on you to learn how to drive, it's on him to stop being such a nasty man. He should be thanking you for doing the majority of the caring work for his son.

Nextweektoo · 12/12/2025 22:12

What an idiot. Maybe time to stop asking him for "favours" and instead 50/50 care arrangements for both children.

Gettingbysomehow · 12/12/2025 22:13

How are you getting back?

JanetareyouokareyouokJanet · 12/12/2025 22:14

Starzinsky · 12/12/2025 21:49

Using your ex as a personal taxis service and guilting him into doing it for the kids is not on. Getting a shop so close to the pickup time yes was really bad planning. The fact you think it's should be his duty is absolutely shocking.

Her ex isn’t going to shag you.

OopOop · 12/12/2025 22:14

JanetareyouokareyouokJanet · 12/12/2025 22:11

Jesus people are really shitty on this thread. If I was your friend or neighbour or even as an acquaintance I would have given you a lift and have waited for the food delivery. Things happen. Everyone on here seem to be the busiest, most self sufficient and impeccably organised people on the planet.

I hope you and your son have a great holiday and Christmas sending you a big hug.

Exactly. I’d wait around for a food shop to be delivered for a profoundly disabled stranger, let alone for my own profoundly disabled son.

OopOop · 12/12/2025 22:15

Nextweektoo · 12/12/2025 22:12

What an idiot. Maybe time to stop asking him for "favours" and instead 50/50 care arrangements for both children.

He’d love that, wouldn’t he? I’d give him a week before he was begging to just have to go back to providing the odd lift every now and then.

Cardinalita90 · 12/12/2025 22:20

As an adult, you need to learn to drive or find an alternative like a coach or uber. Be self sufficient and that way you never need to worry about your plans being jeopardised by your ex's mood.

Eyeshadow · 12/12/2025 22:20

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 12/12/2025 20:59

Also he was probably pissed off at eating a takeaway in the car. That is disgusting in itself.

Don’t be a twat.

Bluefloor · 12/12/2025 22:21

Obviously you can’t help the food being late, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask your ex to drive you to holidays, presumably he has to drive back also. So it’s over a 2 hour round trip. I probably wouldn’t expect anyone to do that for me tbh.

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 12/12/2025 22:22

It’s difficult. It’s not ideal for you to be relying on him for anything, but what in life is ideal?! If he didn’t want to drive you he should have said no rather than agree and then moan about it.

Dymaxion · 12/12/2025 22:23

I am very much of the mindset that 'if they go low, you go lower' , so I would be doubling down on the so called 'favours' , make him really sweat to earn that richly deserved Dad of the Year award.
Yes he will be a first class cunt about it , but you need to dig deep and find your inner 'no fucks given' , head tilt and tinkly laugh and 'oh well you could pay for a taxi if its so much bother for you ?'
And by the way most 14yr olds are like Deadbeat Dads on crack , pay them no heed, mismatch their socks and lose their favourite items of clothing, its character building for them to have to rummage through a wash basket in the forlorn hope of finding what they are looking for. DS has had a couple of detentions for forgetting PE kit that bizarrely disappeared !

OopOop · 12/12/2025 22:26

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 12/12/2025 22:22

It’s difficult. It’s not ideal for you to be relying on him for anything, but what in life is ideal?! If he didn’t want to drive you he should have said no rather than agree and then moan about it.

Literally nothing in the life of parenting a profoundly disabled child is ideal. Most (good) parents pull together to provide the best life possible for that child, whether they like each
other or not.

Eyeshadow · 12/12/2025 22:27

This conversation should not have happened in front of the kids and the eldest should have been told off by him.

But It’s not normal to ask regular favours from your ex.

You definitely need to get your driving sorted asap - what if your ex became poorly or died and couldn’t drive you places?

How often does he have him on his own?

It sounds like you do much more parenting, which is not fair and I’d be trying to work out a way to make it more equal - but you can’t rely on him for favours as that’s not really how things work.

Does he have a new partner or kids?
How does she feel about him driving an almost 3 hour return journey (x2)?
Hopefully you’re going for more than a couple of days as that’s a lot of driving and time out of his weekend.

sandyhappypeople · 12/12/2025 22:27

Turtleyturtles · 12/12/2025 22:12

He sounds horrible. You asked him to take you and HIS son and he complained about it? He complained about taking HIS son on holiday? I'm assuming you do a lot more for your kids than he does, so he's not being 'nice' driving you there, he is doing the easy part. Looking after children on holiday, especially a disabled child is hard work. It's not on you to learn how to drive, it's on him to stop being such a nasty man. He should be thanking you for doing the majority of the caring work for his son.

It's not on you to learn how to drive.

Of course it is, this situation she's got going on with the ex is unsustainable. In fairness I'd be annoyed if I'd arranged to give someone a lift on a busy Friday afternoon and they kept pushing back the time into rush hour to wait for a delivery that could have been done another time.

But OP does not deserve to be verbally abused over it, and in front of their children, who then joined in!! I would be doing everything I could to be not reliant on that abusive idiot to run me around.

ILoveLaLaLand · 12/12/2025 22:28

PoptyPin · 12/12/2025 22:12

Thank you ☺️

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If you can afford it at all, invest in a driving licence - it would make a huge difference to your life.

CalculatingCrispen · 12/12/2025 22:28

Bluefloor · 12/12/2025 22:21

Obviously you can’t help the food being late, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask your ex to drive you to holidays, presumably he has to drive back also. So it’s over a 2 hour round trip. I probably wouldn’t expect anyone to do that for me tbh.

She had to ask him to take HIS SON because -

  1. he doesnt bother to take his own son on holiday himself
  2. she is their son's carer, so she has to go with him
  3. I doubt very much if it actually will be a "holiday" for the OP, just a different set of 4 walls that she is in whilst trying to do her best and be fair to THEIR child

Taking them really is utterly basic parenting