Ex says he’s sick of doing shit for me

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Tonight it was driving me and our disabled son to a little caravan park so our son could have a festive holiday. Asked ex months ago if he wouldn’t mind driving us as I don’t drive, it’s one hour and 15/20 minutes drive.

Ex turned up this evening and I had booked a food delivery to take with us, delivery was delayed by 20 minutes so I apologised and said does he want to come in with our oldest to wait. He was annoyed saying I should have planned it better and it wasn’t fair, he’s not waiting and no way is he waiting in my house. He said he was sick of doing shit for me, I argued that it wasn’t for me, it was for our son who deserves the same opportunities as his sibling, it’s not like he’s driving me to a spa weekend etc. he called me an arsehole and stormed off.

i cancelled the delivery as they kept pushing it back, i sat in the car and told him i had cancelled it, oldest said i was a bitch and how ungrateful I was to Dad. I shouted at him to not call me that and to show me some respect.

Ex put on happy Christmas music and chatted to DS and I cried all the way there as I was so looking forward to a happy, festive weekend with youngest. (It was dark, the kids wouldn’t have seen but I just felt fucking broken in that moment by everything)

Ex struggled to find the accommodation and again said how he was sick of doing this shit for ME. DS joined in with how mammy is ungrateful and I tried to say how it’s not for me, it’s for his sibling who deserves a little holiday, he has profound needs and it’s not easy on my own with him.

Ex dropped off all the stuff for us but fucking hell. It’s the last time I ask him to help us. AIBU? Was I ungrateful? Who was unreasonable?

I would not want to have to rely on an ex for anything, shared child woth additional needs or not.

Reckon he's been really fair helping you so far, but you really need to work on being able to do things like holidays independently of him.

I think you’re both incredibly stressed and it sounds like you’re both trying your best for your children and to support each other but you’ve both found your limit.

Is there some way you could have family therapy? Your oldest son sounds very in need of support as I think his acting out is a form of attention seeking and validation.

You all sound like good people at heart who have found themselves running out of the energy to give each other grace.

This is a very helpful post.

i feel like a lot of people are missing the complexity of a child with additional needs. to me this point changes absolutely everything. The care the might need and potentially how safe it is to drive him unless there is another adult to manage his needs. Not that the OP has said this specifically is an issue.

I think everyone needs some help transitioning into the new arrangement and managing the emotions that come with it.

There may be a financial reason she can't drive.

Do you really think it was ‘nice’ though? Did you read that he won’t take ds2 on holiday but does take ds1? So given this is his minimal contribution to his child getting a holiday, I don’t think he’s nice.

My youngest brother has very significant special needs and he doesn’t get taken away on holiday by anyone. Neither mum nor dad or even both parents together!
I don’t think it’s a sign of poor parenting rather than different parenting and knowing their limits.

In future you can get shopping delivered either to the caravan or at least meet you at reception to most caravan sites.

Your ex is an arse for accepting and then bitching but you need to treat and expect that he will behave as an ex and not ask for favours. Also goes the same back don’t do him favours if his going to be a dick.

Really shocked by some of these replies, and fascinating to see so many people can’t distinguish between doing something for your ex, and doing it for the benefit of your child.

It sounds like the OP is handling almost all of the parenting for their shared disabled child? In which case too fucking right the child’s father should step up and help in ways that they can- and helping the child’s primary carer, is helping their child.

ExDH and I coparent and do an awful lot for one another, because it benefits our child. For example, I paid for DS and his father to do an activity together that exDH couldn’t afford (he has retired early for health reasons), so they could have a lovely experience that DS will remember with his dad- who is older and in poor health and unlikely to be around as long as we all would like him to be. Having these memories and experiences with his dad, is good for our son.

ExDH came round one night last week to help me fix a broken sump pump when it packed in on a Sunday night, and having the washing machine working means his kid can go to school in a clean uniform. And yes, I could have called an emergency plumber, but £££ that could be better spent on DS.

I’m sorry, OP, that your ex behaved like this. You sound like a lovely mum.

Yes, a lot of people on this thread are being very black & white about it and are missing the point massively that's it's not about the exH doing a favour for his ex wife, it's about doing something that he agreed to do for the benefit of his child.

Again, no one is moaning about him not making the effort to learn how to take his youngest disabled child out or away on his own but are quick to berate the OP for not learning to drive!

If everyone in the world who could drive DID drive then we’d be truly screwed in terms of CO2 emissions. There’s too many cars on the road as is

All of you saying his horrible his a ex it's not really his job to be a taxi driver because op doesn't want to get a licence would you say the same if this was a man complaining about their ex?

I think it’s wise for all parents to have plans that they themselves can fulfil.

So op wants to go to the caravan Amazing. Now how can she do this alone? Pick a site near a train station with a good bus service.

The online shop could have been delivered to site so now she hasn’t got her Ex waiting around because it’s late and again if she say got the train isn’t a problem either.

Now she doesn’t need to rely on her ex and his attitude. It also covers if the car had broke down or he even as a nice ex had become sick.

Sure the ex could look at it as helping his child rather than his ex but if he wanted to do that he would take his own child away which he clearly cnba.

As non drivers we always need plans with back up plans and shouldn’t rely on anyone else driving us around.

Yes, but learning to drive is very expensive and time consuming. The OP may not have time or funds for this if she is looking after two children. Of course it would be ideal if she could drive, but in reality learning to drive is not easy for many mums, especially single mums.

It would have been great if OP's ex had seen the drive as his contribution to the holiday for HIS child. But like so many dads, it sounds like he can't even manage this basic level of parenting. The abuse is totally unacceptable.

I really feel for you OP, you are doing the best for your children and sound like a great mum. Sorry that your ex is so horrible.

Maybe it isn't possible to use a train with her disabled son?

And isn't the whole point of this thread the fact that the dad here really cnba??

Yeah so the dad’s shit we established that, so op has to plan for herself and her children.

She either learns to drive, doesn’t go or makes suitable travel arrangements that don’t rely on her Ex.

They are her three options. She needs to plan like the ex doesn’t exist.

Ok, I get that but this is how certain men get away with being crap because nothing can ever be expected of them - and they know it and they play on it
It's infuriating.

Also, as I keep pointing out, this man agreed months ago to do the driving but then acted like a spoilt brat about it and encouraged his eldest son to treat the mother of his kids like crap.

The OP's mistake here was thinking her ex could act like a grown up, could stick to what he agreed to and could be a role model to their son.
His son is now learning a life lesson in how to treat women & will probably repeat the process as an adult.

Everyone else does not manage.

In my experience, it’s not a good idea to rely on an ex for anything. It causes a power imbalance and can open up old wounds. They also know the most effective ways to hurt and upset us.

Hopefully you and your son get something positive out of your weekend away despite this. Are you in a position to learn to drive yourself? Just to give you some freedom and make your life easier. Understandable if your not, having a disabled child makes time and money to do something like that.

Absolutely unacceptable for your ex to speak to you like that OP and even worse that your eldest called you a bitch. Your ex is teaching him that it's OK to speak to women that way.

He’s your ex. why would he take you on a holiday he’s not invited to?

why would you book a holiday knowing you could get there?

It sounds like you lean an awful lot on him for lifts and stuff, so I’m not surprised that he feels this way. You’re using him under the guise of “it’s for our son”.

If my SDs mom asked my husband to take her on holiday he’s would tell her no…. Flat out.

stop using him to make your life easier.

It's your ex responsibility to help out. However this was a big ask and perhaps the delivery on top was bad move. However he should be giving you respect in front of kids. That was shocking and I certainly would not put up with that from my son. Poor you it was a bit of a balls up but your heart ruled your head.

Fgs, he agreed to do it on HIS weekend when he should have been caring for the disabled child he finds hard to look after!

The OP isn't stupid, she says she asked him about the lift months ago & he agreed. Then he made a big fuss about it & spoke to her like dirt - that's the issue here.
If he had said no at the outset presumably the OP wouldn't have booked it. He is the one who changed the goal posts at the last minute!

Learn to drive, I can’t imagine how you cope without a car, especially if you have a disabled child.

And I would argue that by taking their disabled child away for a weekend on her own on a weekend her ex should be caring for him.she is actually making HIS life easier!

She SHOULDN'T HAVE ASKED HIM?! Why would any sane person book a holiday and not have the means to travel there?!

Any disabled child is difficult to look after.

He was nice enough to agree to it, but she was unorganised! Why wasn’t she ready to go there and then when he arrived? She could have had the food delivery the day before?

I understand his frustration. He wanted to pick up and go. It’s a 3 hour drive there a back and none of it benefits him!

The child should have been reprimanded for his rudeness. But I get why dad said what he said, just from her post I feel she takes the piss a lot of the time under “it’s for our son”.

he’s an ex for a reason. They are not together for a reason. I don’t get why she’s still using him.