Ex says he’s sick of doing shit for me

[PoptyPin]

Tonight it was driving me and our disabled son to a little caravan park so our son could have a festive holiday. Asked ex months ago if he wouldn’t mind driving us as I don’t drive, it’s one hour and 15/20 minutes drive.

Ex turned up this evening and I had booked a food delivery to take with us, delivery was delayed by 20 minutes so I apologised and said does he want to come in with our oldest to wait. He was annoyed saying I should have planned it better and it wasn’t fair, he’s not waiting and no way is he waiting in my house. He said he was sick of doing shit for me, I argued that it wasn’t for me, it was for our son who deserves the same opportunities as his sibling, it’s not like he’s driving me to a spa weekend etc. he called me an arsehole and stormed off.

i cancelled the delivery as they kept pushing it back, i sat in the car and told him i had cancelled it, oldest said i was a bitch and how ungrateful I was to Dad. I shouted at him to not call me that and to show me some respect.

Ex put on happy Christmas music and chatted to DS and I cried all the way there as I was so looking forward to a happy, festive weekend with youngest. (It was dark, the kids wouldn’t have seen but I just felt fucking broken in that moment by everything)

Ex struggled to find the accommodation and again said how he was sick of doing this shit for ME. DS joined in with how mammy is ungrateful and I tried to say how it’s not for me, it’s for his sibling who deserves a little holiday, he has profound needs and it’s not easy on my own with him.

Ex dropped off all the stuff for us but fucking hell. It’s the last time I ask him to help us. AIBU? Was I ungrateful? Who was unreasonable?

I cannot think of anything worse than still having to rely on and beholden to my ex. You need to make other arrangements. The way your dc spoke to you is another matter but have his needs been missed at times due to brothers needs? Had he been invited on the holiday? Or consulted before booking so you could get something they’d both like? Also why book holidays on your ex’s weekend to have dc? I know you keep saying it’s for your son but it’s your choice to book something and to book it so far away and I can see it would be annoying to be expected to then facilitate that, as he has form you knew how he’d react too. Obviously he’s unreasonable in the way he’s spoken to you but doesn’t sound like that will change so you need to change how you involve him

It was really nice he was going to drive you both. You should have got the food delivery earlier / the day before! You need to be more independent, learn to drive or use public transport / taxi

Jesus, the comments on this thread are unbelievable!!

The OP was taking her disabled child away for a break on the weekend her ex should have been caring for him.
The ex who is the child's father can't cope with him & doesn't take him out himself - the OP has said that.
Surely then, the very least he could do is drive them to the holiday park??
He agreed to do it - AGREED to - months before, then moaned about it.

Why was it he agreed?? Because he knew he would get an easy weekend "off" with the other non- disabled teenager.

He is being a complete wanker in this scenario so stop defending him people!

And stop telling the OP to simply "learn to drive" like it's the easiest thing in the world to do.
Anyone actually tried to get lessons and a test booked recently??
But the driving is a red herring anyway. The useless ex agreed to drive her for his own sake then acted like a spoilt brat

And you can bet this is the tip of the iceberg with his selfish,useless behaviour around the care of his kids.

If you tried to learn in a manual before, switch to automatic. I hated manual, found the clutch and gearbox completely futile. The US basically don’t have manual cars and all EV’s are automatic so in the not so distant future we will all be driving automatic. Makes it so much easier to pass.

You can’t rely on your ex anymore. He shouldn’t be talking to you like this and your other child definitely should not be, it’s disgraceful. He isn’t someone you need in your life. Learn to drive in an automatic so you can take your son away.

It’s not ‘ferrying around’ it’s driving your profoundly disabled child to their holiday destination, where you CONVENIENTLY, won’t be expected to do any parenting. It’s the very least he could do!

I agree that driving would be great for the OP if she has the money & the time to learn but I don't think it's the main issue here.

Her ex said he would take her & then was horrible about it.
They share a profoundly disabled child & from her posts it sounds like the OP is doing the lion's share of the work around that.
I think asking the child's father for a lift on the weekend he should be doing the hard job of caring for his child isn't that unreasonable and he agreed to do it.

The issue is him not stepping up to help enough, agreeing to do things and then being difficult about them and the way he speaks to the OP & models this to his kids.
I also said in a previous post that the OP shouldn't ask him for help again but now I think why should he get the easy ride in this? It's his child too!

But, as mums, we put the kids first & the OP knows if she didn't take her youngest away he would never go anywhere because the dad who CAN drive wouldn't do it on his own.

Is your child profoundly disabled? OP is pretty much his full time carer which probably means money is tight, sleep is non existent and she has very little ‘free time’ for herself as ex cares for the children while she is working nights (for those who keep suggesting taking driving lessons) - you simply cannot possibly compare your situation to hers.

How old are these dc? You shouldn’t tolerate backchat from eldest, seems like ex is a bad influence. Are you sure this break is worth the pain? How will you be getting home?

I can't believe what I'm reading on this thread - presumably from other women and mothers too - about how unreasonable OP is expect this "favour" from someone who'd already agreed to do it, for their disabled child.

I know, it's shocking and just shows how easy it is for men to be lazy, crap dads.

The way women excuse men from properly stepping up to parent their children is constantly mind blowing.

They’re separated, if one parents decides to take the child on holiday, the other parent shouldn’t be expected to facilitate them getting there and getting home, and also shouldn’t be criticised for not being there to parent on the said holiday.
If the other parent decides not to take the child on holiday, then that’s okay also.

Can you get help from Motability to learn to drive?

Lesson learnt for the future is not to ask the ex to give you a lift. I have to be honest, that would have pissed me off - you’re asking him to do a lot of driving. I’m not sure why the weekend had to be on his weekend either?

Also he kind of has a point about the food delivery - you should have ordered it earlier.

but he was also an arse as was your 14 year old. But. Again. Does the 14 year old get a holiday weekend with you on their own? If not, why not?

you need to go to court and sort access, make sure you’re getting the right amount of CM and try
to get your driving licence if you possibly can.

FWIW I’m female and I refused to give my ex a lift to the airport when he was taking my kids on holiday. If he wants a holiday he was to facilitate it. Fully. I do not exist to enable him once we split.

It’s got nothing to do with being a man or woman, I’d feel the same if it was a separated dad expecting the mum to give me a lift to go on holiday.

This is the issue with drip feeding posts - the fact you have a severely disabled son was missed out initially. From the initial post I would have said you were being unreasonable and need to be more independent to avoid things like this predictably happening. But its clear now that its a much more complicated situation.

I would suggest that holidays in future are planned either with public transport or taxis arranged.

Also - does your older child have support? Young carer groups are in most areas and can be really helpful for siblings of disabled children.

But it's HIS weekend to have the children and OP states that he can't cope with the disabled child & never takes him anywhere - despite being able to drive.
That's pretty crap on his part? Where are the people decrying him for not learning to care for his child properly in the same way the OP is being told to learn to drive?

If the OP can take her child away on her own to improve his quality of life then surely the ex should be able to do that too?

Plus he agreed to do it - why do that months before and then make a fuss about it? If he felt it was inappropriate and was resentful then why agree in the first place?

The information that her younger son is disabled is actually in the OP.

I know I have been ranting on this thread but I see this so often on here and in life - dads claim to find it hard to parent their children for whatever reason or just don't do it well & the mum picks up the slack because if she didn't the child/children would lose out.

Then it becomes a self perpetuating situation and the mum does more while the dad does less.

Seems that is what is going on here. The OP could refuse to take her younger child away too due to not being able to drive & it being a challenge but she doesn't because she knows how much the child benefits from it and she knows the dad will never do it and, crucially, never learn how to do it.

But the op chose to take the child away. She didn’t have to. And if her ex is a shit parent that’s a different thing - once you split, you’re split. And whatever the op wants to do she has to organise on her own, within her own capabilities.

Thats the attitude I took and I did 90% of the child rearing and mine lives with me mostly.

if the op wants him to do more she needs a CAO that reflects that. And he needs to be paying maintenance at the CMS level based on the number of nights he has them.

Do you not want is best for your children just because a father does not step up doesn’t mean a mother should lower herself to his standard of parenting

many single parents compensate for the nrp and we all know that is mainly mothers

the op is not in a situation where she can just easily jump on public transport at times she needs that but more support with their child

the expectations on fathers is so low it’s shocking it’s makes me so angry and sad it’s come to this

Okay, but he’s now being penalised by you because the OP planned a holiday on his weekend?
She can’t control what the ex does, she can within reason control that she learns to drive.
Also it sounds like he was annoyed because he was then asked to hang around to wait for the food shop, whilst the delivery being late is out of the OPs hand, it could have been ordered to arrive earlier.

Oh boohoo he had to hang around for a while

sometimes life doesn’t quite run to schedule when you have children and children that need high support even less so

ffs we are talking about the boys father not some random person who has been asked to give them a lift being held up a little is absolutely no excuse for such nasty behaviour and being like this in front of their children highlights what a horrible person he is

You shouldn’t be relying on ex for lifts - don’t let him have any power over you.

However he’s wrong to speak to you like that in front of the kids.

Your eldest is a nasty, disrespectful brat and needs some discipline - but I’m guessing he has had this behaviour modelled by his dad/step dad and thinks it’s ok to talk to you like a piece of shit. If my ds spoke to me like that there would be serious consequences.

Stop asking ex for anything beyond his equal share of care of your ds.

Yeah... Ferrying you (and even your, presumably joint, child) around for a holiday that YOU'VE chosen to go on... It's not in his job description any more.

You're split up, and when you split up, you forgo on "favours" like these.

Giving up his Friday night to drive over an hour away, and then home again, to take his ex on a jolly? I'm not surprised he was a bit arsey. And honestly, it was very nice of him to agree to do it.
And then to have to sit and wait while you waiting for a supermarket delivery... Watching his Friday evening slip away? I think he'd justified in snapping.

How were you planning on getting home again? Him to pick you up presumably? Are you paying him for the petrol/time?

@PoptyPinthis all sounds very new and raw.

Not that I have personal experience, but think when you have a child with profound disabilities you all have to pull together and accepted that life is more complex. If I read it correctly, he was happy to drive you (you said he does that a few times a year, but is this the first time since you are separated?) but the shopping pushed him over the edge. I get that, it is a long journey in December when the weather and traffic are typically bad. He wasn’t going to end up with much of an evening with the 14 year old. The slot could have kept getting pushed back and he just wanted to get on the road. He didn’t want to wait in the house because that was uncomfortable. It sounds like it all escalated horribly.

I do feel sad he doesn’t take the older son out at all when he has him, but unfortunately there isn’t much you can do about this apart from making the best memories with your son.

how are you going to get home?