DD(15y) off ill from school...now wants to come grocery shopping

[CelestialCandyfloss]

And I know why...so she can try to strong arm me into buying her sweets and treats 😒
She's been complaining of a tummy ache and feeling sick. I relented and let her stay home. I've had an awful 11 months with work and quite frankly I am burnt out and crawling towards the Christmas break. She's been ill on and off lately. I am sympathetic (she gets bad period pains), and has been involved in friendship dramas that I talked through with her, but she does also take the piss. I'm a single parent so have to be both good and bad cop.
She's now screaming and crying that she wants to come with me to Tesco to do the shopping. I've said no. If she's too poorly to go to school, then she's not going to be trotting round Tesco throwing all sorts in the trolley. I buy her snacks but she always wants more.

She's having a full on screaming fit. She takes treats out of the fridge and cupboard. I've done EVERYTHING I can possibly think of over the years to stop her with this bad habit.

AIBU to not take her? In fact I've just finished work (WFH today), am exhausted and just feel like not bothering at all.

Maybe not, but you shouldn't be teaching a 15yo that they can get their own way by having a screaming fit.

Oh very true. The screaming at 15 is a bit much

Why are you restricting what a 15 year old eats? What bad habits? For me there seperate issues have a biscuit and not going to school.

Well done OP, you've handled this perfectly. I can't believe the number of posters criticising your parenting style just because you asked for some advice. It must be really difficult dealing with this stuff on your own.

As pp have said, you will want to have a quite chat with her later (tomorrow?) about her behaviour, but for now just build bridges.

You are doing the right thing. Don't let her go shopping. She is having a tantrum. She is supposed to be ill. Hope you have been shopping and can now chill out.

This is how I was as a teen. My teens are boys so calmer my little ones are girls so I'm expecting some shouting, crying and door slamming in the teen years

Hear me out.. I'm not sure if it's "normal" for a 15 year old to act like this but I know I did. Puberty / hormones have a massive impact on you if you have ADHD (which I have since been diagnosed with and this answered a lot of questions). Have you looked up pmdd as well? Just with the mention of her periods. X

Well no, cos it's Friday, there is no school tomorrow

Send her anyway op 🤣

Don’t take a lap top off your dd - they are needed for school homework - essential for 15yr olds. But then I am not one who agrees in escalating punishments until my child bends to my will - I prefer to find out what is really going on. If it is a case of just bratty behaviour then the phone and internet (apart from school work) goes

I don't restrict what she eats...I said she wants millions of snacks and I'm quite generous but selective over what I get her. If I get her treats she eats them all at once and then has to wait for the next lot. I feed her well and would never restrict her, but when she gets tummy aches I have to worry about what she's eating. Or not eating. I can't control what she does when she's at school.

No, don't expect it. It's not necessarily going to happen.

I have no experience of eating disorders but I have 4dc and although they can have big appetites - I am going to gently say mine have never eaten like that at 15. Could there be an eating issue?

15 and screaming - excessive

Stop buying sweets for the cupboard then she can’t take them

Why could you have just said yes? If it’s that important to her, just say yes.
It’s not taking the piss to be able to go 30mins round a Tesco’s after a day of rest compared to slogging through an entire school day. You can be well enough for the former but too sick for the latter.

And what is a bad habit about a Yr10 taking food out of the fridge and cupboard when hungry? Most kids are allowed to independently get snacks between meals by Yr7. I see you worry she is “addicted to sugar” and you control her snacks rigidly. Do you not wonder whether you are role modelling disordered eating by having categories of bad foods and good foods and calling her having a snack a “bad habit” ?

Eh??? Always amazes me this
when parents are surprised by their kids eating sweets and treats when it’s them that buy them and put them in the cupboard.

anyway - she’s 15 not 5. tell her to stop acting like a baby

and keep an eye on her attendance. Not only are you setting yourself up for a nice fine, you’re just teaching her that it’s okay to pull a sicky left right and centre. That won’t go down well at work

But why are you extrapolating “this is usual for teens” from your own behaviour?
It isn’t. You acting this way as a teen doesn’t make it usual or normal.

I find it so strange that people think teenagers behave in the way described. Me, my brother, my friends and cousins never behaved like that as teenagers.
I can’t believe it’s just seen as normal. What’s going on??

I don't restrict what she eats...I said she wants millions of snacks and I'm quite generous but selective over what I get her. If I get her treats she eats them all at once and then has to wait for the next lot.

That is a type of restriction you know. Making her wait for “the next lot” whenever it pleases you. You’ve made her view certain snacks as a scarce. When a scarcity mindset is set up regarding a certain food, our brains are hardwired to gorge on them when we have them and then to hyper focus on when can we have that food again, which creates cravings for the treat be it chocolates, cakes, haribo, Doritos.

If you just stop the restriction of being selective and limiting, first there is a period of eating yourself sick with it, but then you pass into the abundance mindset, the cravings stop, and you eat less of the treat overall.

Fair point! It’s been one of those weeks OP - I keep thinking it’s Monday!! School on Monday!!

This!

Maybe your DD and her friend need to have some time apart. It really isn’t normal or acceptable for 15 year olds to scream and shout at their parents. It Sounds like they aren’t a good influence on each other.

I still stand by the fact the only 15yr olds who act like this are either spoilt brats (your description of your dd doesn’t match that unless you are just not seeing it) or there is something deeper going on - eating issues, friend/school issues or issues at home. It is seldom just hormones/age. Find the cause. But in the meantime don’t accept the behaviour - hopefully over the weekend you can have a calm chat with her.

Seems like you're asking the wrong question.

I think the question should be:

What am I doing wrong that my daughter not only disregards me, but has screaming tantrums for not getting her own way in minor issues?

Perhaps stop buying "treats" in any quantity. Or tell her if they disappear, you will buy fewer and not replace them.

I don't think all people's brains work this way tbh.

I wasn't restricted as a child but basically struggle to have ready to go snacks in the house even as a 40 something year old as I'll eat the lot in minutes. I have gorged myself stupid a million times and not learned.

My DH and DCs are the exact same.

If there is food there, like at a buffet, we'll eat and eat it. It's actually quite embarrassing going to a party where there's food as most children aren't that interested whereas mine are hugely food motivated and will spend literally hours eating - well, all of it.

None of us is overweight by the way. In fact my DH and one DC are borderline underweight. We eat healthy meals and do try to provide healthy snacks as well as less healthy!

I’d argue that you aren’t really over indulging if you’re all healthy weight and nourished. Enjoying food isn’t a bad thing.