Unexpected guest on Christmas Day

[Purtyburty]

Hi all I would like some feedback on this situation my DH has given me this morning. This is our first time having Christmas in our own home as we usually go off visiting different sides of the family as nobody lives in the same area. My parents are 5 hours away and DH’s parents are 2 hours away. This year we are hosting DH’s side as we have two young children under 5 and it just gets too much travelling and taking presents etc. We have asked DH’s DB to come as well because he has just come out of a 6 year relationship in the past year. DH’s parents are divorced so just MIL coming as well from 23rd-27th. DBIL has not given a definite answer where he is going but this morning my DH said DBIL said he might come and bring somebody he is seeing with him. DH has not shut it down and he said he said ‘oh really?’ and that was that. AIBU to not want this to be the case? We’ve never met her - I had to ask my husband her name even 😬 when I said I didn’t like that idea DH said im just making things difficult for him now? Thoughts?

If you have family that lives distances apart, it's not uncommon to meet a new partner for the first time when they stay with you or vice versa. Granted it wasn't Christmas, but my brother met my sister-in-law when he was in France, so the first time I met her they had come to visit for a week. And both DD and DS met their partners at university, so bringing them home was the first time we met them. And all three of them are some of my favourite people in the world now.

so unless people move in together and tell you about it they are not serious? 😂 got you.

Good luck.

Well so the story goes anyway. Or he’s being seeing her a lot longer than his prior break up, which if he’s considering bringing her round for Christmas seems more likely to me.

OP seriously I’d just breezily uninvite him with a ‘ah okaaay you’ve better offer, have a lovely day’ message it doesn’t sound like he really wants to come if he hasn’t actually firmly accepted.

IMO it’s a bit miserably Scroogey to reject a guest for Christmas Day just because you haven’t met them.

You'd have a stranger in your house for four days then? There's a lot of holier than thou folk on here.

To be fair, the 4 days/nights was a massive drip feed!

Did they stay for four nights?

If your dbil has been on his own and has started a new relationship I’d err on the side of hospitality- it’s only one extra person. It is Christmas after all

i wouldn’t have thought catering for one extra person is a big deal . If it’s important to your BIL why create bad feeling ? Don’t spoil a relationship with someone in your family when it is such a small amount of effort creating a bit of love and harmony.

If she does come make it clear that you will not be soley responsible for making her welcome/ doing all the small talk. Its a team effort.
I got fed up with this over the years with my husband's friend's new partners. I like to meet new people and make them welcome but it gets tedious at every event getting stuck at the getting to know you phase whilst the men chat about old times.

A person you don't know will change the dynamic a lot. My brother did this to us one year and the whole day was spent making sure she felt welcome and included. There was also a lot of embarrassing canoodling going on which made everyone feel very awkward. You'd cope if it was just Sunday lunch but Christmas Day is different.

Personally, I don’t see what the problem is - presumably you trust him. I expect she will feel a lot more awkward than you. Isn’t Christmas supposed to be a time for goodwill? this really is not a massive issue at all.

Why would the whole day be dedicated to making her feel welcome? Sounds like extreme overkill.

Op’s dh’s whole family are coming.
She’s not going to be left alone in a room with this woman.

For me it would depend on what DBiL is like. If he tends to muck in and will likely keep his new GF engaged and add joy to the gathering, I'd probably be up for it. If he tends to shirk things, just do the stuff that suits him, expect the women to entertain each other and the kids so the men can go off together type of thing, I would say no regardless of anything else.

Your eldest is a consideration, though I don't think it's necessarily a detriment for her. It will be one new person in a sea of faces she's familiar with in an environment in which she has lots of incentives to engage but also plenty of ways to avoid and still have fun. It could be a good experience for helping her gain confidence in being herself even when someone new is around. But you know your DD best.

Because they don't know anyone, have walked into a tight-knit family situation and they are very shy. That's just the kind of people we are. We'd want someone to feel more than welcome. You're not going to sit there, engaging in in-jokes and family banter that they aren't part of. You're also not going to give and exchange gifts when there's nothing for them.

I hope you all have a lovely time.

I'll never forget asking my Mum (divorced, I was living at home with her) if my friend and her boyfriend could come on Christmas day. They arrived late, pissed, and seemed to be enjoying the meal. It was in the 80's when we all smoked inside and at the dinner table. I passed my friend the cranberry sauce dish and she stubbed her fag out in it. Never lived it down!

And before you say, buy her a gift to avoid the awkwardness, I'm going to put it out there that buying a present for a complete stranger would be overkill!

I would love it!

but I worry Xmas and with barely any family myself. Anyone extra would be so welcome

I'll never understand people who limit themselves socially in this way. It's one person, not a whole contingent.

If it was just for Christmas day then yes, but to stay a few days, No. As you say you don't know her she could be anyone. I'm sure she is fine but as a mother I don't think I would feel comfortable allowing someone I dont know sleeping under the same roof as my young children.

What risk do you imagine this woman poses to op’s children?!

This made me laugh 😂 Are you still friends?

People are still happy to swan off and leave you to do all the work of making it nice, no matter how many are there. I'd happily agree to the new person coming if absolutely everybody else also agreed to do their share of emotional labour/ being chatty and welcoming.

I dont know and that's the point. She is unlikely to be a risk but she also could be. I wouldn't trust anyone I dont know to sleep in my home. I wonder if it was a strange man everyone would feel less accommodating.

I don’t know how some people make it through the day, to be honest.
The world must seem like a terrifying place.