Unexpected guest on Christmas Day

[Purtyburty]

Hi all I would like some feedback on this situation my DH has given me this morning. This is our first time having Christmas in our own home as we usually go off visiting different sides of the family as nobody lives in the same area. My parents are 5 hours away and DH’s parents are 2 hours away. This year we are hosting DH’s side as we have two young children under 5 and it just gets too much travelling and taking presents etc. We have asked DH’s DB to come as well because he has just come out of a 6 year relationship in the past year. DH’s parents are divorced so just MIL coming as well from 23rd-27th. DBIL has not given a definite answer where he is going but this morning my DH said DBIL said he might come and bring somebody he is seeing with him. DH has not shut it down and he said he said ‘oh really?’ and that was that. AIBU to not want this to be the case? We’ve never met her - I had to ask my husband her name even 😬 when I said I didn’t like that idea DH said im just making things difficult for him now? Thoughts?

Awww what an absolutely brilliant & beautiful comment 💚🤗💚
Completely concur with you & how heartwarming the way your lovely Mum made your new friend so welcome
Exactly what was going through my mind too, was "what if bil's new gf has no family close by or otherwise?"
I'd feel terrible to have excluded her
💚

My DH’s ( adult ) nephew came to stay last year for 4 days then my DH was called into work on Christmas AND Boxing Day !! He is French and barely spoke English and although nice enough it was an uncomfortable experience. No one extra this years ! I know it’s not the same and hopefully the girl is great but l also would have reservations .

This reminds me of my now ex h who thought introducing our kids to his new gf on Christmas day at his parents house was a good idea. Wasn't planning on telling them first she'd be there either.

Your Dh is a wet wipe. He's saying you're making things hard for him so he'd rather upset you than speak to his brother. Fabulous.

&GertieET - very sadly she died from alcoholism in 2009 aged 52. She was jilted the week before her wedding aged 21 and started drinking secretly then, I didn’t know. I will always think of her, I ring her 90 year old Mum on her birthday,

Oh no thats so sad. Lovely that you still speak to her mother.

I honestly wouldn’t be bothered. I’d set her a place at the table, set up the spare room and ask what her favourite food and drinks were. Isn’t that what Christmas is about?

I’d say no. I’m not a big more the merrier at Xmas type person. I enjoy a really relaxed day with my children where we can just spend the day enjoying each others company, wearing whatever comfy clothes we like , playing games and eating as and when we please without schedules for anything.
I wouldn’t want to try to entertain and cater for a new person. It’s not a situation where they will be sad and lonely on their own. They don’t celebrate it and your BIL is not desperate to be included , he wont even commit to whether he is going at all. You’ll only have a few Christmas days with young children and them enjoying the day would be my priority so if they’re uncomfortable with strangers I’d give that as another reason .
your husband should 💯 back you unless he is offering to feed and entertain them both single handedly during the stay .

If she's just coming for dinner, ok. Not to stay the night though. They'll have to make different arrangements for that.

Doubt she’ll want to come to a perfect strangers house at Xmas he’s probably not even spoken to her but if he has s a nd she comes it’s tricky indeed

Totally agree with your DH. Whether the relationship works out or not it's nice for DBIL to have her to couple up to at this time. Horribke time for people to be alone

I would hate this . Im with you OP

Surely this is what Christmas is all about.

op, as a foreigner in this country (professional) so not costing that country anything before anyone has a go at me. I had nowhere to go for years on Christmas. In the early days because I didn’t earn enough for the airfare during the holidays and later on as the only ‘you get/unmarried/childless person. I was often asked to cover over the holidays so usually meant some Christmas Day or night on my own. I got invited by colleagues/friends I have met over the years to their homes and was really grateful to be invited and to spend the day with people enjoying the spirit of the day.

before we had children we often invited people to ours who find themselves in my previous situation! I would still open my home to someone but I don’t think should’ve comes now as no one wander be tied to a baby’s schedule!

Absolutely not!
Big difference between hosting a single man and a couple, where will they sleep, have you got lots of spare rooms?!

How nasty you are. If they end up married you won’t have a Good relationship with her if you carry on like this.

I had a "stranger" for longer than 4 days, most people do 😂

We are not talking some random from the street or the pub, we are talking a family member's partner.

I have never sent anyone to a hotel because I didn't know their other half and would only tolerate them in my house after having spent a set of hours together first over diners or god knows what 😂

I also spend long weekend hosted by DH's family or friends who had not met me before - they didn't refuse to see me or host me because "stranger danger" 😂😂

People on MN are so weird.

Most of us are not uptight, couples can sleep in the same bed 😂😂 even if they are not married (shocking I know)

You’re missing my point completely!
where did I say it was from a prudish “unmarried couples can’t sleep together” standpoint!
I simply meant the OP has two kids, MIL and BIL invited (minimum) to stay, most people don’t have endless spare beds and rooms to spare!
The BIL might not even have a bed and could be on the sofa.
Lunch is one thing, having a random person staying 4 nights is not something many people, especially with under 5s would be comfortable with

Honestly, they really do make it sound as though you’d open your front door and invite in the first random passer-by you see.
Some people took the stranger danger thing a little bit too seriously, I think.

OP how many people from DH family are coming, you’ve said th parents are divorced so MIL AS WELL but I thought you meant his parents when you say DH family/side?

It wouldnt bother me if there was only a small party to begin with.

I think Christmas morning with young children is an intimate family moment. They slip through your hands like sand. It would be a hard no from me. Also if they are 30s and it's a new relationship you're going to need "thick" walls. Ew. Nope.

Could just say you don’t have room for a plus 1 and do they need names of local guesthouses.

or just be upfront and say god I’m really sorry but the invite to stay in my home with two young children doesn’t extend to someone we don’t know and we are sorry but we hope you both understand

i would say thought she should be invited during the day

Id personally tell my husband to say that if he wants to bring his girlfriend with they will need to stay somewhere else because you have young children . I’d let them come for Christmas Day but they should find somewhere else to live over that time period. BiL would be unreasonable to have an issue with being ask this as he’s basically changing his end of the deal. You originally offered believing he was single the offer was never for two people. Then maybe you can have a family dinner at a restaurant or somewhere similar on Boxing Day so it’s not such a shock on Christmas Day .

One could equally ponder when people became so insular and unwelcoming. When Christmas became a performative ritual solely focussed on curating days worth of insta-worthy CHRISTMAS MAGIC™️ for your own kids and ignoring everybody else.

My kids grew up thinking it normal to welcome random family, friends and acquaintances (and partners) who were at a loose end at Christmas - yes including staying over if necessary. It makes them more resilient and less self absorbed to understand that not everything is all about them all the time. Even at Christmas.