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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband building up resentment

237 replies

Jamans · 11/12/2025 23:56

I hired a decorator recommended by someone I know. My husband wasn't keen on him and wanted someone else but I went with my friend's recommendation.
It turned out to be a disaster; the final cost was double our estimate as we had to get someone in to fix the mess.
We've taken a big financially hit and it's set us back.

However my husband is seething. He won't initiate conversation with me and tends to avoid me as much as possible. I don't know what to do. I've apologised. He's taken no interest in the house or our finances.
Ive apologised and there isn't much more I can do.
i think he needs to come to terms with what's happend so we can move on.

OP posts:
NoisyViewer · 12/12/2025 18:48

Jamans · 12/12/2025 15:29

It ended up costing us £15k more.

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How big is your house? I’m not shocked his a little sick. I take it back about his reaction. £15k on top. Do you mean £1.5k. Why did you hand the extra money over? That is mental. I’m sorry you said you’ve had issues with money before& even though I don’t think you should be restricted to access of your money I do think there is argument that he makes all financial decisions in the future & you’re too be given pocket money.

i dont know if I believe this story or not. I cant comprehend how you allowed yourself to be swindled.

croydon15 · 12/12/2025 18:53

Jamans · 12/12/2025 15:29

It ended up costing us £15k more.

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No wonder your DH is sulking l would be furious too at your stupidity.

Buffs · 12/12/2025 19:02

I think you are going to have to eat humble pie until he comes round. If he’s missing days off work then it seems that he’s genuinely upset about this. What’s the alternative? Telling him to snap out of it isn’t going to work.

Snakebite61 · 12/12/2025 19:02

Jamans · 11/12/2025 23:56

I hired a decorator recommended by someone I know. My husband wasn't keen on him and wanted someone else but I went with my friend's recommendation.
It turned out to be a disaster; the final cost was double our estimate as we had to get someone in to fix the mess.
We've taken a big financially hit and it's set us back.

However my husband is seething. He won't initiate conversation with me and tends to avoid me as much as possible. I don't know what to do. I've apologised. He's taken no interest in the house or our finances.
Ive apologised and there isn't much more I can do.
i think he needs to come to terms with what's happend so we can move on.

He has every right to be angry.

InlandTaipan · 12/12/2025 19:31

Jamans · 12/12/2025 05:40

I wanted it done quickly and this person came with a personal recommendation. My DH wanted to get quotes from other people.

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Well yeah, that explains it then. If his opinions dont count he may as well save his breath to cool his porridge and leave you to get on with it.

Oldwmn · 12/12/2025 19:33

Vaxtable · 12/12/2025 01:17

He needs to grow up

i would just let him sulk and just carry on as normal, being bright and breezy

I hate sulky blokes, they're such BGB. A good old shouting match & then move on.

Original poster
Jamans · 12/12/2025 19:33

NoisyViewer · 12/12/2025 18:48

How big is your house? I’m not shocked his a little sick. I take it back about his reaction. £15k on top. Do you mean £1.5k. Why did you hand the extra money over? That is mental. I’m sorry you said you’ve had issues with money before& even though I don’t think you should be restricted to access of your money I do think there is argument that he makes all financial decisions in the future & you’re too be given pocket money.

i dont know if I believe this story or not. I cant comprehend how you allowed yourself to be swindled.

Show quote history

It's very hard to get tradesman to finish another persons job. I asked so many people but they all wanted extortionate amounts. This is the best I could do. Maybe if you were in my situation you'd know.

OP posts:
brunettemic · 12/12/2025 19:36

Jamans · 12/12/2025 14:03

I just panicked and thought I had to agree right there and then. It was a mistake on my part.

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I don’t believe that for a second given it doesn’t tie back to your original post. You’ve fucked up, stop making it his fault.

MrsDoubtingMyself · 12/12/2025 19:38

His reactions are childish. However you have REALLY fucked up. Why wouldn't you get 3 or 4 quotes? That's just nuts

k1233 · 12/12/2025 19:46

zaxxon · 12/12/2025 07:27

This makes it sound like he has got some story going in his head about how "my wife always makes bad decisions" and "all our problems are her fault". Giving you the responsibility for future decisions means he can carry on that narrative and feel righteous, and justified in treating you badly, which is what he wants to do.

It will be very hard to counter this, since he is basically setting you up to fail no matter what.

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Isn't that funny. I read that differently. My interpretation was he is never listened to and OP does what she prefers without considering his input and opinions.

I'd be interested to hear why he wasn't keen on the decorator and why the OP didn't consider other options.

godmum56 · 12/12/2025 19:48

Jamans · 12/12/2025 19:33

It's very hard to get tradesman to finish another persons job. I asked so many people but they all wanted extortionate amounts. This is the best I could do. Maybe if you were in my situation you'd know.

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but none of this is your husband's fault. How do you plan to replace the bite you have taken out of your husband's share of the savings?...particularly as it doesn't sound like the first time.

Oldwmn · 12/12/2025 19:50

Eyeshadow · 12/12/2025 07:47

I am 100% team DH.

He told you he did not want this man (likely because he’d heard bad reviews about him).
Instead of listening to him you ignored him and chose to listen to your friend above him.

Its his home too, you don’t get to go against his wishes.

You seem very irresponsible and I would be raging if I was him.

The only thing you can do is apologise and pay it out of your own money as it was your mistake.

'Likely because he'd heard bad reviews'.

Where does OP say that? Getting tradesman is a minefield - when you get a rec, it may seem like a godsend but isn't the golden key some people think.
So, it went wrong. That's no reason to sulk & I can't bear it when I see grown up men pouting like this & I seriously think there's something wrong with men who do this.
I see it happening with an immediate family member & it's awful.

BunnyLake · 12/12/2025 19:53

OP sounds strangely detached from it all.

Oldwmn · 12/12/2025 20:01

Jamans · 12/12/2025 10:19

He has people lined up to visit and give a quote but the decorator made it seem like if I didn't make an immediate decision he'd start a job somewhere else.

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That's a red flag. He's either got loads of work or he's got none. We live & learn. Many have been fucked over by tradesman which is why you should never hire one at short notice but I imagine you now know this so, unlike many MNutters, I won't follow on with this but...

...the sulkiness? The 'I'm not gonna play no more' is more than ridiculous, it's serious. I've watched someone being sucked dry by a sulky man. They're as dangerous as yer actual woman beaters, long term.

Xkk · 12/12/2025 20:03

Oldwmn · 12/12/2025 19:50

'Likely because he'd heard bad reviews'.

Where does OP say that? Getting tradesman is a minefield - when you get a rec, it may seem like a godsend but isn't the golden key some people think.
So, it went wrong. That's no reason to sulk & I can't bear it when I see grown up men pouting like this & I seriously think there's something wrong with men who do this.
I see it happening with an immediate family member & it's awful.

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Well, you can also say there is something wrong with women who go against their husbands and go on to empty the savings account , but here we go. I wonder which one is more damaging.

Anonanonay · 12/12/2025 20:06

Xkk · 12/12/2025 10:28

No, he's not, they had to empty their ISA. If he is angry, and he is right to be, the best thing he can do is to stay quiet as talking whilst angry is counterproductive and might start an argument or he would say things he shouldn't. This thing with grown ups talk" is pathethic imo, grown ups have emotions and feelings, they can't flick a switch at command to have a conversation. The man took time off work which means he is more affected than he lets on.

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I'm guessing you're a sulky man.

OfficerChurlish · 12/12/2025 20:10

Who to use for the job should have been a joint decision and you did make a mistake going ahead with your option rather than continuing to look for one acceptable to you both. You've explained how this happened and acknowledged the mistake here in one of your follow-ups, but have you clearly communicated this to your husband and assured him that going forward the two of you will make joint decisions together? In other words, an apology for the root cause and a resolution for the future, not just an acknowledgement that the specific contractor was a bad bet and you're sorry for the hassle/money loss. I see that he's saying you can make all the decisions going forward, but it seems unlikely that he sincerely means that (or would if he weren't in a funk).

If this has happened quite reasonably, I'd give him time to brood but I'd expect some basic communication like "I'm still to upset to talk about this" but if he's shutting you out altogether then that becomes a real issue as it means no clear communication can happened between you on any issue. Even though you are in the wrong, the silent treatment isn't a workable way to handle things (unless he's completely done with the relationship, in which case he should also say so).

Is there anything you can do, personally, to help recoup the money faster - another source of funds, or economising on something important to you? If you've already done what you can, tell him that clearly and see if he has any other suggestions. Then it's time to (both) figure out how to accept the situation and make the best of it while taking extra care to prevent anything like it happening again.

godmum56 · 12/12/2025 20:14

OfficerChurlish · 12/12/2025 20:10

Who to use for the job should have been a joint decision and you did make a mistake going ahead with your option rather than continuing to look for one acceptable to you both. You've explained how this happened and acknowledged the mistake here in one of your follow-ups, but have you clearly communicated this to your husband and assured him that going forward the two of you will make joint decisions together? In other words, an apology for the root cause and a resolution for the future, not just an acknowledgement that the specific contractor was a bad bet and you're sorry for the hassle/money loss. I see that he's saying you can make all the decisions going forward, but it seems unlikely that he sincerely means that (or would if he weren't in a funk).

If this has happened quite reasonably, I'd give him time to brood but I'd expect some basic communication like "I'm still to upset to talk about this" but if he's shutting you out altogether then that becomes a real issue as it means no clear communication can happened between you on any issue. Even though you are in the wrong, the silent treatment isn't a workable way to handle things (unless he's completely done with the relationship, in which case he should also say so).

Is there anything you can do, personally, to help recoup the money faster - another source of funds, or economising on something important to you? If you've already done what you can, tell him that clearly and see if he has any other suggestions. Then it's time to (both) figure out how to accept the situation and make the best of it while taking extra care to prevent anything like it happening again.

"Then it's time to (both) figure out how to accept the situation and make the best of it while taking extra care to prevent anything like it happening again."

Divorce would work for me.

DuchessDandelion · 12/12/2025 20:20

Jamans · 12/12/2025 19:33

It's very hard to get tradesman to finish another persons job. I asked so many people but they all wanted extortionate amounts. This is the best I could do. Maybe if you were in my situation you'd know.

Show quote history

I don't understand why the quote was so much in the first place. That's more than it cost to rewire my whole house + chimney repairs!

What did you have done @Jamans ? Was it specialist painting? Murals? Huge rooms?

BeeCucumber · 12/12/2025 20:33

£15k plus your original payment for painting and decorating? No wonder DH has taken a few days off sick. This is an enormous amount of money to waste. I would find it difficult to forgive and forget if my DH did this to me.

GoldsolesLugs · 12/12/2025 20:35

Jamans · 12/12/2025 19:33

It's very hard to get tradesman to finish another persons job. I asked so many people but they all wanted extortionate amounts. This is the best I could do. Maybe if you were in my situation you'd know.

Show quote history

Any way you can be more specific about what you had done, as this sounds crazy. I have actually had to get a tradie to finish another's job; it wasn't that difficult.

CheeseIsMyIdol · 12/12/2025 20:37

Buffs · 12/12/2025 19:02

I think you are going to have to eat humble pie until he comes round. If he’s missing days off work then it seems that he’s genuinely upset about this. What’s the alternative? Telling him to snap out of it isn’t going to work.

Eat humble pie and get a second job to replenish the savings!!

I personally painted the entire interior of my house over the past year including woodwork for £700 worth of paint and the cost of purchasing a decent ladder.

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 12/12/2025 20:43

BunnyLake · 12/12/2025 19:53

OP sounds strangely detached from it all.

Yes, very odd posting style.

Oldwmn · 12/12/2025 20:50

Xkk · 12/12/2025 20:03

Well, you can also say there is something wrong with women who go against their husbands and go on to empty the savings account , but here we go. I wonder which one is more damaging.

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You could. The OP has made a massive & expensive mistake. You should never, ever, ever take on a tradesman who can start right away. It's a red flag, means they ain't got any work! & there's usually a good reason for that. I wouldn't blame anyone, husband or wife, for going ballistic at the mistake she's made. I don't understand the sulking though. I would think, once the shouting is past, he would be on it, not pouting in a corner. I can't respect that.

BellesAndGraces · 12/12/2025 20:59

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 12/12/2025 20:43

Yes, very odd posting style.

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Yes, it actually comes across as very goady. If this is how she has been communicating with her DH after a £15k fuck up I too would be taking days off sick and refusing to speak to her. I wouldn’t even be able to look her in the eye. There is no real contrition or taking responsibility for clearing out their savings. Fuck me I’d be spinning if I were her DH!