To think some people are taking life advice from dysfunctional people and wrecking good relationships?

[YourJadeLion]

I’m seeing more and more women online and in real life leave loyal, supportive partners because someone on the internet told them they “deserve more” or “shouldn’t settle.” And the people giving that advice are often living chaotic, emotionally unstable or completely unaccountable lives. Some of these women had husbands who were faithful, consistent and kind but got convinced that because their relationship wasn’t hyper-romantic or perfectly Instagrammable, it wasn’t enough.

I’m all for leaving toxic or abusive relationships. But AIBU to think a lot of women are being manipulated by dysfunction disguised as empowerment and they’ll end up lonely, regretting it and wondering where it all went wrong?

(Not anti-feminism. Just pro-critical thinking.)

Yup.

Agree.

The number of people here who cheer on family breakdown for the satisfaction of knowing a man with a moderate fault is ‘facing the consequences’ is unreal

I've never known anyone leave a happy fulfilling marriage because someone online or in real life told them to. Why on earth would they?

Do you really think the best psychotherapists would have never experienced any personal problems or made mistakes in their life?

Do you not think that people can learn from their mistakes? Good advice is good advice. It doesn't matter who's giving it.

I wouldn't want advice off someone who's never experienced the difficulty I was experiencing, or had understanding and open-mindedness at least.

Where are you seeing this, OP?

There are a lot of bitter, lonely women on Mumsnet who seem to want everybody else to be bitter and lonely too.

Oh come on. You’ve never seen the way they all pile on OPs on here gagging for them to end their marriage over some pointless little disagreement and then get all disappointed when the OP decides it’s not worth divorcing over?

I don’t think it’s usually one comment that makes someone leave, it’s cumulative. What I’ve seen (and read, a lot) is people already feeling a vague dissatisfaction, then repeatedly consuming content that reframes normal relationship realities as red flags or “settling.” Over time that reinforces doubt, especially when the advice is coming from people who are loud, confident and emotionally charged, but not necessarily living stable or accountable lives themselves.

I don't see that. I see far too many women on mumsnet who minimise appalling behaviour by men. I regularly tell women on here they should leave their shit partners because they should. I am not lonely or bitter. I have a good husband because I can spot the wrong 'uns. Too many women put up with too much shit. But this is not what this thread is about.

I’m not arguing that people with lived experience can’t give good advice, quite the opposite. Many excellent therapists and mentors draw wisdom from having struggled.

What I’m questioning is the difference between processed experience and unprocessed dysfunction. Someone who’s reflected, taken responsibility and integrated their experiences can offer grounded insight. Someone who is still acting from resentment, instability or unresolved pain often projects that outward - especially online, where confidence gets mistaken for clarity.

So yes, people can learn from mistakes. But not everyone who’s been through something has actually learned from it yet and good advice doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Context, accountability and outcome matter. That’s really the distinction I’m making.

I’ve never seen this. I’ve often seen the initial op start like that then further updates show a horrible relationship that no one should put up with.

Absolutely this! It has never been easier for women to live without men, and that should be celebrated. We should never vilify or make women feel stupid for leaving a relationship. Women who leave unhappy relationships are not being manipulated, they are just fortunate to have the option to. Why should the goal always be to stick it out as long as possible?

Mostly in online spaces - social media, dating content, relationship podcasts, forums like this one and occasionally reflected in real-life conversations that echo the same language. I’m not claiming it’s universal, just that certain narratives travel very fast online and get repeated without much nuance. Phrases like “never settle” or “if it’s not exceptional, leave” can sound empowering but when they’re applied indiscriminately they can encourage people to devalue stability, commitment and long-term reality. So I’m talking about a pattern I’ve noticed emerging, not a single dramatic example.

Have you actually seen this IRL though?

People say all kinds of things when they’re venting online. In my RL experience women stay in unsatisfactory relationships for far too long (years and years) before leaving.

I've seen people suggest women leave relationships for things I personally wouldn't leave over, yes. However I have never known anyone leave a happy fulfilling relationship because they've been persuaded to by someone online or in real life. Have you?

Yes, I’ve seen it IRL but I agree it’s usually not sudden or dramatic. I’m not talking about women walking out of genuinely happy, healthy relationships on a whim. I’m talking about situations where a relationship is solid but imperfect - stable, loyal, mundane at times, and dissatisfaction that might otherwise have been worked through gets amplified rather than examined.

You’re right that many women stay far too long in genuinely unhappy or unhealthy relationships. That absolutely happens. I don’t think that contradicts what I’m saying, I think both can be true.

My point is more about the cultural lens we’re encouraging people to use when interpreting normal relationship discomfort. Sometimes discomfort is a signal to leave; sometimes it’s a signal to communicate, grow or recalibrate expectations. I think online discourse increasingly treats the former as the default.

AIBU is a wierd forum for this behaviour though. Its very polarised - both the poster, who of course only puts their POV forward and some of the responses (usually the first responders strangely!) which don't recognise that relationships are often about compromise. People use AIBU to justify their frustration whereas in a normal world its better to discuss it with the person you have an AIBU with. The whole "No is a complete sentence" that you see so frequently is just bizarre. In the main its not a complete sentence and is incredibly rude. I'm not sure who these people are but I would guess they aren't very happy or in balanced happy relationships.

It’s pretty arrogant to think you know better than the person who is actually in the relationship whether or not it’s ’genuinely happy’ or ‘healthy’.

What I find more befuddling are the multiple daily threads on here of (predominantly) women choosing the bottom of the barrel absolute looser of looser partners!
They must know some magic between the sheet tricks because honestly cocklodger after cocklodger.

I am not buying this perception as fact myself OP. I have never ever seen a poster decide on here or anywhere online or on real life that they will leave husband/ family/go NC tomorrow because x said so.

We also have to debate our definition of ' good ' and what this means. The definition of good in the 1950s is not going to be the same as our definition today. We know so much more now, as women especially. We have access to information and opportunities in a different way that allow us to grow beyond the 1950s perception of say what a ' good' marriage tangibly involves.

I can agree with the sentiment that LTB just isn't as simple, easy or applicable in so many cases I see on here. There are many complexities to why LTB might not be ideal at a given time, even in the face of pretty crap behaviour.

My feeling is that we now have much better language, descriptions and means of discussing and sharing experiences of human behaviours that are not ' good' but we have been endlessly bloody programmed, as women especially, to believe is ' good'. We are systematically brainwashed to believe and accept that we are not good if we don't do significantly amounts of things on our role as women, wives and mothers.

Not on your god damn fucking life would I ever enter into a relationship at my age with a male. Why? Because in my understanding now of women, men, society and pervasive drives, women are always disadvantaged. No to that thank you. Therefore, there's no such thing as a' good' relationship in that sense because a woman would always have to accept a vulnerable position. Unless - there are no children, no financial reliance, no family expectations, no societal expectation ( e.g women are csrers, nurturers, must provide sex).

Ones definition of good is not another's.

My current definition of good in terms of any relationship is only that with myself and limited bursts of minimal interactions with other humans.

Never have I ever encountered anyone going no contact with family without absolutely agonizing and endless abuse in some form, often hidden, for years. You'll never provide proof to validate your perception as none of us have full details of what's going on in the entirety of one's relationship with others.

I completely agree with this and the person you quoted. I'm happily married for over 20 years to one of the good guys. I can't believe some of the awful shit women on here are having to deal with from their husbands/partners for years and years.
Only thing I will say is that it's often not acknowledged on here how difficult it must be to leave. Some posters seem to think people can just walk out before a thread reaches its 3rd page. That's hopelessly naïve

If they are not happy they can leave. They don't need a reason. I think far more are stuck in !miserable relationship s as they don't have the means to leave

Yes yes and yes!

I’ve only ever seen the threads where people tell the OP to end it through the other partner being an absolute twat.

I have. When I was younger, I noticed a lot of people (male and female) tended to copy their groups in terms of being single or not. I thought that was ridiculous, but a psychologist said it's a known phenomena. We've always had people listening to their mums/friends whatever, even those sometimes those people will have had trauma which makes them, understandably, fear relationships.
More recently, everyone seems to ask Reddit or Slate or whatever, and some of the people have literally nothing better to do than try to stir. And some might genuinely have been through bad things that lead them to think marriage/having kids or whatever is a bad idea. Sure, that always happened in real life, but at least then they had to deal with the consequences of their actions.

I’ve not really seen this - even on Mumsnet - but I can believe it does happen because people are easily lead, and because it takes a LONG time to learn about relationships (what’s good and healthy and what isn’t).

I guess if you’re not clear in your own mind about what you want and/or if you haven’t had much relationship experience, then you could be easily swayed by someone else’s opinion (or pressure).