To think some people are taking life advice from dysfunctional people and wrecking good relationships?

[YourJadeLion]

I’m seeing more and more women online and in real life leave loyal, supportive partners because someone on the internet told them they “deserve more” or “shouldn’t settle.” And the people giving that advice are often living chaotic, emotionally unstable or completely unaccountable lives. Some of these women had husbands who were faithful, consistent and kind but got convinced that because their relationship wasn’t hyper-romantic or perfectly Instagrammable, it wasn’t enough.

I’m all for leaving toxic or abusive relationships. But AIBU to think a lot of women are being manipulated by dysfunction disguised as empowerment and they’ll end up lonely, regretting it and wondering where it all went wrong?

(Not anti-feminism. Just pro-critical thinking.)

'Working through a marriage' comes from an era where women couldn't have their own bank accounts and couldn't get a mortgage on their own. It comes from a time when you just had to put up with doing all the housework because men didn't do that.

Now women don't have to do that.

I see lots of people on here telling women to leave their marriage over every little misdemeanour. They have no issue in advising women to upend their kids life for no other reason than boredom. Being a mom is mundane, being desperate for a break is normal & men not thinking the same is a tale as old as time.

yet I wonder how many of these women comment & take stock of all the problems that come with blended families? Are these women offering SP the same grace when they’re struggling to cope with the challenges of SC, are they the same women complaining their SC are ungrateful telling other women to leave.

im not some marriage nut who thinks women should stay in unhappy marriages. But I do think when you make a promise you should try your best to to keep it especially when kids are involved. Me suggesting you work at it & exhaust all avenues before leaving isn’t me saying don’t leave. I’ve had periods in my own marriage that have seen me unhappy but I’ve also come through the other end & couldn’t be happier. Unless you’re being abused & abuse isn’t your husband telling a white lie about something stupid like have a pastie for lunch & not the salad he was going to have.

im also confused as to why leaving would be the advice on purely one anecdote, from one perspective about people you don’t know. Unreasonable people don’t think of themselves as unreasonable. For all they know the OP is a nightmare with high expectations & a habit of exaggerating.

Agreed. Unfortunately it happens with therapy too - the person starts focusing more and more on their own perspective and start to feel entitled and then cause havoc in their lives. In my experience the ones who actually are in abusive relationships don't feel entitled enough to leave. People are starting to conduct their relationships mediated by social media and now, worryingly, AI.

A greater likelihood of choosing marriage when your peer group is married, and remaining in the marriage despite doubts because to leave it would mark you our socially isn't what we're discussing though. Nor is the possible 'social contagion' of divorce. Which is a disputed theory.
The OP would have us believe that there is a pattern whereby women are leaving good marriages to supportive loyal husbands on the basis of online advice. I'm saying I have never known this. And I'm asking if anyone who believes otherwise has an example to prove me wrong. An example of a woman in a good, happy marriage to a supportive loyal man who has upped and left him because people on line have told her to.
I'm willing to bet there won't be one. Because OP will have no idea of the character of an online strangers husband, how happy that woman is, or whether she followed the advice to leave. She is simply seeing the advice to leave and filling in the gaps herself to conclude that the advice is causing a social problem.

Yup, same as the crew who have zero friends. The minute someone posts about a crack in a friendship they all pile on to say “ditch the bitch”.

Absolutely. I strongly believe if you are having a relationship wobble, you should never discuss it on MN!

I don't know a single person in RL who has walked out of a happy, healthy relationship "on a whim". Quite the contrary, the people I know who have split from their partners have typically agonised over it for ages and thought about it very carefully.

I do think some posters on relationship threads are ridiculously quick to suggest that the OP should LTB. But equally, I think some posters have incredibly low standards and and don't expect enough.

I honestly don't believe that any person in a happy, healthy relationship is suddenly going to walk out simply because a few people on the Internet told them to do so.

Yes, some of the conclusions jumped to by responders leaves me gob smacked at times. 🤷‍♀️

And, sometimes, sadly, it seems a few posters love the thought of a break up.

I've seen this too, I had one friend leave her marriage "Because the magic had gone". She had a small child, her husband was (to me at least) really lovely. Kind, supportive, funny.. and he was utterly broken when she left him.
She wanted hallmark, and thought she deserved it.

Also, if this apparantly harmful trend exists outside of the imagination of those who dislike the advice, I'd have expected to see it reflected in divorce rates. Which are generally falling.

There is responsibility in giving advice but people rarely listen to advice anyway. often they post to vent and be validated. OP's themselves can be dysfunctional..how often have we read something where we thought blimey this should be asked to police/solicitors/women's aid not MN?? Sometimes these posters just want to vent and I wouldn't worry that homes are being wrecked by MN advice. Like, I can remember more posters who return to their abuser despite MNers practically begging them not to..you overestimate people's ability to listen to reason and follow instructions.

Well they’re not happy, but the way people put their own spin on a dilemma is quite extraordinary. I’ve seen a post that’s been taken down obviously by the poster saying her daughter doesn’t like her step dad because he tells her to tidy her room. The M has said this is the one thing they ask of her & she’s kicking off asking begging her mom to leave her marriage. He’s been in her life from a small child (now 11) she’s in his will, he contributes financially & emotionally. There is no difference in treatment of her to his bio son & the advice given has ranged from he’s an abuser. I bet he’s abusing her & he must be the bad guy. You’re a terrible mom, you’re not listening blah, blah blah. This mom hasn’t asked for relationship advice but how to deal with her 11yo by all accounts is being an 11yo. There is nothing in her post to suggest there’s a sniff of anything untoward. She may very well not take the advice but with so many people saying the same thing is it totally reasonable to doubt yourself. Are you missing something & the minute she questions herself & goes and asks her child if something more sinister is happening she acted on that advice. She’s allowed her trust to her H to be broken.

I disagree with this completely. I come across threads almost daily written by women who are being put through hell by their partners and they are asking for others to tell them if they are overreacting or if it really is as bad as they feel. I think places like MN is invaluable to women who are being manipulated, gaslit and abused. It's a very confused and lonely place to be if you can't seek help.

If the relationship is genuinely happy and fulfilling then no, I don’t think these women are being convinced to leave them. They may leave them for what on paper seems like an arbitrary reason to you, but it will be because they are overall unsatisfied with them. That is perfectly acceptable. It’s okay to have internet strangers validate how you feel and help you see you are allowed to change your life.

Also, just because someone doesn’t give you all the nitty gritty details of why that relationship (which may seem loyal and happy to a stranger) is unsatisfying or unhappy, doesn’t mean wasn’t so.

Yabu. Everyone has agency over their own decisions. You can take the advice offered from all sorts of different people, consider it, and dismiss the ones you don’t agree with.

Yes, I'm sure stuff people read here helps them reframe their relationship. Sometimes this is good, like when it's genuinely abusive, but too often I see posts where the couple really need to sit down and talk to each other as a first step, but instead it's all LTB.

A great deal of life is in the interpretation!

I don’t see this at all. I see lots of posters trying to gaslight others in to believing that, rather than accept these women just have higher bars.

the bottom line for me for any relationship is - does it make you happier than if you were alone? Yes, stay. No, leave.

Ummm…. Precisely, if the relationship is ok, they decide NOT to divorce!

it’s hard enough to convince and support people in incredibly abusive relationships to leave, never mind people who are actually in ok or good ones!

I agree there is far too much shotgun advice to leave in very pedestrian normal day to day problems. There is also a tendency to assume the woman OP has 10% or less of the fault in any situation. But I don’t see the evidence that people are actually leaving good relationships because of it! Perhaps it moves the women slightly up the scale towards asserting/demanding more? I can imagine it makes some OPs less empathetic and less inclined to listen to their partner’s sometimes legitimate perspective, but since women’s default tends to be being overly accommodating, I don’t think this is a disaster.

No I think its a good thing that so many women now don’t settle for less. I could cry hearing about all the miserable marriages of my mums generation but they were stuck.

I agree. There is a lot of nonsense written- the ‘take him to the cleaners’ crew has obviously never been near a divorce, as it doesn’t work like that.

but I think there’s a Lot of very good advice on MN from some very wise posters.

Sometimes it takes a very small and potentially forgivable “red flag” to see that a man as a whole doesn’t respect or have care and consideration for you. Women no longer need to endure decades of trying to teach a man basic empathy and that she is human. If he is showing his true colours and a woman is done, the most empowered thing to do is walk away. And good for them.

Who wants to sit around unhappy their whole life trying to force a marriage to work when it’s proving it doesn’t ? Who has the time. We have one life. Too many women are wasting theirs with men who refuse to see or appreciate them.

Yes but to an extent I know I keep going round in circles in kind of 6-9 month cycles. My therapist has got me focussing on myself - to come out of victim phase - to take back some control. It means I haven’t ended the marriage and I’m focussing on myself. It’s partly distracted me from my life with my husband a bit and I leave him to it, I’ve just got to be careful of the anger and resentment and victim thing.

I agree

There are times I’ve read comments on here and think blimey they’d have a field day with the nuances of my relationship…which has overcome some difficulties.

Neither of us are perfect and I could list things I’d change…. but we are happy he’s my goto person in life who I am happy with.

I think some advice is based on an identikit formulation of what some folk thing ALL relationships should be based on.

I think the opposite, actually. I think far too many women stay in miserable, unfulfilling relationships because of commentary from people like you; if your partner is “great on paper”, the pressure to make the best of it and not “throw away a good relationship” is immense. Women are socialised to subdue their own interests and be kind, be fair etc. So they stay in relationships with men who are often quite toxic and horrible to live with, but are good at projecting a “good man” image to everyone except the woman they live with.

People who have therapy and become able to prioritise their own needs are entitled? Good grief. Sounds like you could do with some therapy!