To think some people are taking life advice from dysfunctional people and wrecking good relationships?

[YourJadeLion]

I’m seeing more and more women online and in real life leave loyal, supportive partners because someone on the internet told them they “deserve more” or “shouldn’t settle.” And the people giving that advice are often living chaotic, emotionally unstable or completely unaccountable lives. Some of these women had husbands who were faithful, consistent and kind but got convinced that because their relationship wasn’t hyper-romantic or perfectly Instagrammable, it wasn’t enough.

I’m all for leaving toxic or abusive relationships. But AIBU to think a lot of women are being manipulated by dysfunction disguised as empowerment and they’ll end up lonely, regretting it and wondering where it all went wrong?

(Not anti-feminism. Just pro-critical thinking.)

Yes, and women who are divorced are not destined for a life in poverty anymore. That doesn't mean it's glamourised, it just means the world is slightly fairer to women than it used to be.

Everyone who disagrees with me must be a man. 🙄

I’ve seen unhappy people try to push people into ending their relationships because they want company in their misery. I had to end friendships because some tried to do it to me and then they took so much glee in seeing me upset.

The comment wasn’t worded as do you think there maybe something more going on & suggest you sit your child down & discuss what you expect from relationships & what you’re getting from SD on another occasion make sure you’re helping through this transition from child to adult so she understands what’s happening to her emotionally & what’s to come when she’s an adult of age a bird & the bees talk. Should be having that convo anyway. It’s how I would word it if I thought there maybe more to it. I wouldn’t dream of screaming abuse when nothing suggests that’s happening

how it was said this sounds like abuse & you should be listening to your child when she’s asking to divorce you H. SP should know their place. She’s your child he should never set any boundaries, he’s a bully, he prefers his son, If this was me his feet wouldn’t touch the ground as I throw him out. I was shocked and bewildered by them as nothing suggested any of what they were talking about & it is a herd mentality. Because from that post onwards it had the same spiel even talking amongst themselves on what a wretched mom she is to not see the glaringly obvious. This is a common thing on here. I guarantee now Ive pointed it out you’ll see it for yourself. I’m not sensitive to this post so I can look at it & go WTF. What a bunch of idiots etc. but she’s in it & it’s about her child. What I saw in her post was typical of the childs age. I’ve had friends go through similar & my own children have also used situations & exaggerated the wrongness against even something as simple as tidy your room, get off your games have resulted in an over emotional breakdown. She possibly feels sick to read it & that could get her questioning her own perspectives she must have gotten upset because the post has been removed. It would be reasonable to question yourself, especially when it comes to your kids. So to react in anyway to that advice, to allow it to sit in your head and cast any doubt has already seen damage done by it. If she’s now questioning her H intentions with no validation then she’s let the rot in & if by a small chance they’re right then that would be luck rather than judgement. But once that thought enters your head it’ll probably remain there & potentially get bigger & maybe those comments don’t destroy the marriage per say but it could be a tinder added to the fire.

I’ve really waffled when my point is the one example is repeated daily on here

To be honest, I was thinking more about the kind of bad advice that's given out in real life, among people who've known each other - superficially at least - long enough to be able to talk about whether or not to end relationships.

Everyone who advises women to leave a relationship is a sad bitter woman who wants everyone to be lonely? Funny how being thought to be a man (which i didn't say to anyone in particular, merely pointed out there are some on this site) is considered more insulting than being accused of being bitter and wanting others to suffer. Is that your misandry showing do you think?

There absolutely are men on here masquerading as women and trying to get women to put up with shit, centre men in everything and blame feminism for all women's problems.

The posters who all believe each other to be women still find plenty to disagree about as well, I assure you.

If you leave your partner becsuse some random poster on mumsnet told you too its probably not a great relationship tbh.

This is exactly what my friend has been going through too.

Her DH wasn't controlling or anything of the sort. He's a nice enough guy but new friends all said she was 'boring and married' and made fun of her in that regard (they were all newly divorced, late 30s and seemingly thought they were 21 again). For about 4 months whenever I saw her she talked about whether I thought she had settled etc. Then left DH and started partying (I've known her since toddlers, and she never really partied even when we were all doing in in late teens-20s!). She's like a totally different person now!

I applaud women who leave unhappy marriages where the DH is genuinely not pulling weight, controlling etc. But there is definitely a theme about 'settling' being a very negative thing recently, and a lot of social media memes about this. IMO settling isn't always negative. It can mean a calm, smoother lifestyle without daily angst and arguments. Equally, all the memes about 'passion' which in many instances is misunderstood - rubbing along calming and supportively with your DH doesn't mean there's no passion.

hahaha. You're back.

For the record, it's the opposite that I find. People staying in shitty relationships becuase the people aroudn them tell them, "it could be worse" or "he's trying" or "but did you ask him nicely" or some other bullshit.

Not a misandrist at all. Simply noting that it is very common to accuse posters who disagree with a female OP of being a man.

i just give my own opinion based on my own life experience, and then an op can take that or leave that how she likes.

Mine is that I have been blown away by how much happier I am, and my children, following divorce. I can absolutely recognise that that won’t be true for everyone, but it was for me, so that’s all I’m saying.

@NoisyVieweryour posts all seem to suggest that there is a binary choice - your marriage or a blended family. There’s actually also being single. And for me, that’s blooming wonderful and I will happily shout that from the rooftops for an op in an unhappy marriage to consider.

Of course there’s the choice but I would think someone relatively young with little kids will eventually & likely move on. I didn’t put the stay on your own as an anecdote because I believe your option is possibly the best out the 2

And very common to accuse women who support other women to leave relationships as being bitter man haters who want others to be as miserable as them. Both 'accusations' as you term it (though why thinking someone is a man is an accusation in your eyes, I don't know, unless you think being a man is wrong or a crime) are based on conjecture. Yet the one that upsets you is being thought to be a man. Personally I'd much rather be thought to be a man than thought to be a bitter person wanting to spoil other people's lives. Because the second is a character flaw, and there's nothing wrong with being a man. If you think its an 'accusation' you are displaying misandry.

For me, your response is the root of the problem.

many woman don’t even consider that being single is an option. And I find that sad. It wasn’t really fifty years ago, but it is now, and an increasing number of women are actively choosing it.

I was trying to humorously suggest that AIBU might be where she'd seen this sort of advice!

I don't think there's anything wrong with being a man. Nor would I be upset to be accused of being one. If your issue is my use of the word accuse then I will happily substitute it for "claim".

This is a baffling detour tbh and I'm done with it.

It may be increasingly an option but most people don't want to be single. It's great that you're happy being so of course.

I do think some people - especially men - have a sort of uncritical and rather childish sense of nostalgia towards a golden time when divorce was rare and families stayed together, people “worked at” difficult relationships, didn’t “throw it all away” etc. They don’t interrogate those feelings very closely and they don’t think about the casualties of that culture: abused women and children who had very limited choices, bitterly unhappy incompatible couples who had “made their bed” and were trapped together in mutual misery. It wasn’t better for a lot of people.

That's better.

Who in their right mind would advise a friend to end or continue a marriage or close relationship anyway? Unless it’s abusive - and we know women can get ‘locked in’ all other cases surely as a friend our job is to listen and support, not advise.

I prefer for women to be empowered to trust themselves, and judge their own relationships. It would not occur to me to tell a friend what to do. We can’t know the outcome, circumstances etc.

Perhaps. And that is entirely their choice. But I do wonder if that’s simply because they haven’t tried it/societal pressure/don’t even consider it as an option.

There are PLENTY of men on these boards actively and deliberately dishing out extremely poor advice, masquerading as women, sometimes to very vulnerable, fragile rape and abuse victims. This is well known.

They are sitting amongst us with their own agendas. Most of us are very aware of them. I don’t really see ‘bitter’ women, maybe I have been lucky.

I'm sure there are some men, that is hardly surprising. And agendas surely are a matter of opinion. You might say your agenda is to uplift women but perhaps you are also a raging misandrist who thinks women should never be with men at all (I'm not saying that you are please note). Anyone could have any agenda at all on here. It's the internet.

I have come across many bitter people on this site but again that's my perspective. I see them as bitter, you might see them as realistic.

I think it's because humans are social creatures and generally speaking we are happier when we form close attachments. Sexual and romantic desire is obviously a part of this. I don't find it all surprising that most people would prefer not to be single.