To think some people are taking life advice from dysfunctional people and wrecking good relationships?

[YourJadeLion]

I’m seeing more and more women online and in real life leave loyal, supportive partners because someone on the internet told them they “deserve more” or “shouldn’t settle.” And the people giving that advice are often living chaotic, emotionally unstable or completely unaccountable lives. Some of these women had husbands who were faithful, consistent and kind but got convinced that because their relationship wasn’t hyper-romantic or perfectly Instagrammable, it wasn’t enough.

I’m all for leaving toxic or abusive relationships. But AIBU to think a lot of women are being manipulated by dysfunction disguised as empowerment and they’ll end up lonely, regretting it and wondering where it all went wrong?

(Not anti-feminism. Just pro-critical thinking.)

To be fair, I'm married and still go wherever I want, whenever I want. I'm not chained to the kitchen sink by my husband, contrary to popular opinion. As a bonus, I have someone to do the jobs I can't be arsed with, like mowing the lawn and unclogging the toilet.

Well exactly. They don’t.

Seen MN pile-ons, but never seen it take effect either here or in real life, regardless who encourages it.

Which just proves the point doesn’t it? They don’t leave their husbands because mumsnet said so.

Well, I think it’s harder to be objective when you’re inside the relationship and an outsider can actually have a better view of your relationship.

That was the case for me. I later found out that lots of my friends thought my marriage was unhealthy long before I realised.

There's a difference between spotting signs that a relationship is unhealthy and insisting that a person must be happy (or unhappy for that matter) based on your own projections. People can actually feel happiness while in relationships that are unhealthy. The abuser may enjoy abusing the victim. The co dependent could get satisfaction from their role. They are nevertheless existing in a dynamic that isn't good for either, or for any children they may have. We know this objectively from research.
To look at the life of another woman, decide from your superficial social perspective, or worse, the woman's comments on a forum, that the man is 'loyal and supportive' and her marriage is 'good and happy' is ridiculous.

I’m not sure I follow.

I don’t think I’ve ever made a judgement that a man is good and supportive based on a few comments. I don’t think pps are saying that either.

you can, however, make a pretty educated guess that a relationship is unhealthy based on certain behaviours that reveal an unhealthy attitude of at least one of the partners.

these are the people who usually post on MN.

The OP is alleging that there is a pattern of women leaving good marriages to loyal and supportive men based on online advice from women who are bitter and lonely. Other people have pointed out that not only is this fabricated nonsense, as there's not a shred of evidence provided of a woman who has done this; but that there is considerable arrogance in looking in from the outside of a marriage and decreeing that the man is 'supportive and loyal' therefore the marriage is good and the woman would have continued to be 'happy' were it not for the online advice. That's exactly what the OP is asking us to accept.
My point was in response to the idea the others may identify unhealthy dynamics the people involved may not see, which is true, but that its not possible to identify happiness in a person who doesn't feel it.

You don’t have the knowledge to know if a relationship is “good” if you are not in it.

Ok - so following that logic, your friend turns up at your house with two black eyes and says her husband did it. You are saying you can’t tell that this relationship is not good?

I get the impression that you misunderstood my point. I agree that you can’t definitively say if a relationship is ‘good’ - you aren’t there all the time, so you might miss some negative behaviour, but you certainly can spot a bad relationship.

How is that comparable? Everybody knows violence is bad in a relationship - that factor is enough to know. How can you possibly know somebody’s relationship is “good”
when you are not in it?

I don’t think its worth continuing this as you seem to have difficulty with reading comprehension

but why do some people give that advice. In every situation there is 3 sides. Their side, your side & the truth. I’ve seen people say LTB despite the OP saying they’ve fell out with their family not b/c of the husband but over preferring their sibling or something similar, their friends are not supportive & either fall out with them or they’re very dismissive & now their DH has flipped out over the state of the house or spending to much money all very much arguments most couples have & she’s had enough as nothing she does is good enough & everyone piles on the h as if he’s the problem whilst ignoring the facts that the OP is struggling to maintain any type of relationship. That maybe she’s high maintenance, over sensitive, spoilt, narcissistic or maybe she’s very depressed. All the reasons I’ve listed will not be helped if she destroys her marriage before trying counselling, which is completely not an option for some mumsnetters.

the most bizarre commentators are the ones that make up scenarios in their head. That he’s abusive & will argue the people trying to be more nuanced & say the man is abusive & hurting his family. & causing emotional damage & one even saying to another well he’s one step behind being physical

the most bizarre commentators are the ones that make up scenarios in their head

Yes, projecting is rife on MN. So why did you do it?

ignoring........That maybe she’s high maintenance, over sensitive, spoilt, narcissistic or maybe she’s very depressed

DV is not the same as your husband not washing up, not being romantic enough, telling a white lie to go to the pub, not going no contact with his family because they’ve offended you, difference in parenting/house rules & refusing to reduce contact with his kids are all examples I’ve seen on here where people say LTB. I’ve yet to see one saying they’ve been physically assaulted but I’m sure the comments saying to stay will not be in the majority as they are with the tedious issues I’ve listed.

I just don’t see women with minor gripes about their partner being told to LTB by the majority of posters.

it often starts with he doesn’t do washing up, and then the more context OP adds, the more obvious it is that it’s the tip of a very large iceberg.

and red flags can be small things which point to a wider picture of disrespect.