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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked my parents for a lift home?

620 replies

coldabdtired · 10/12/2025 19:08

I’m 25, and live at home with my parents. I drive but use public transport for work because it’s cheaper than parking.

tonight the bus home is delayed by 45 minutes. I worked 9-6:30, I was hoping to get on the 7:15 bus but it won’t be at my stop till 8.

i texted my family chat saying I know it’s cheeky but was anyone able to give me a lift if I walked to a different stop and got on a different bus because it was cold and I left the house before 7. My mum has come back and said that I’ve been really selfish to ask as they’re in their pyjamas but they’re going to feel guilty for saying no now because they know I’m tired and cold.

AIBU to have asked? I never ask for lifts anywhere, I drive or get the bus.

OP posts:
Roobarbtwo · 11/12/2025 13:15

CautiousLurker2 · 11/12/2025 08:30

I feel the same. DS has a girlfriend whose parents, who do seem lovely in person but seem to be very introverted WFH professionals and hate leaving their house [dad likes a drink in the evening, apparently], and they won’t drop her at our house and pick her up more than once a fortnight.

My DS and GF do not go to same college (met via friends) and GF lives in a lovely executive new build in a new estate in the middle of nowhere. 3mile walk to a station and 2 train changes/1hr 15mins train journey to get to us on her own. But we live less than 25mins away by car. And they tell her off if she accepts a lift from me because it makes them feel bad. So my DS is only able to see her once a week, alternating between her home and ours. But I am in her emergency contacts in case her college bus gets cancelled, not her parents.

I am secretly very cross with them - if you move your children to the middle of bloody nowhere, you accept that until they are driving, you are the parental uber. It’s why we live within a 7mins walk of a train station/buses/taxi rank and on a main line to London.

Sadly, there is so much tension in GFs house over this and related issues, that I fear she will not be motivated to maintain a relationship with them when she heads off to uni, which I find so sad and short-sighted.

Show quote history

I don't personally think her parents should be the parental uber. A 25 minute car journey is around 10 - 12 miles yes? Why should her parents or you have to drive either your son or their daughter a 20 miles round trip more than once a week just so they can see one another more often.

Surely (and I appreciate money is tight when you are a student) she could ask for a lift to the station at the weekend and get the train to you and if you were willing you could drive her home. Or she could stay over at the weekend if you and her parents would be OK with that.

When I was in my teens and dating my then boyfriend didn't live very close to me. He had a three mile walk to get home. He wouldn't get a taxi. My mum doesn't drive.

I only saw him once or twice a week - mostly at weekends and then he started staying over as I hated him walking it home .

I completely get that they will obviously want to see more of one another - but I don't think it should be expected that parents drive them about. What if your car went off the road, or theirs? Or you were unwell and not able to drive? I think picking someone up in a crisis is different from having to do it regularly - and it's good of you that you do.

Original poster
coldabdtired · 11/12/2025 13:17

Ramblethroughthebrambles · 11/12/2025 12:56

I don't think she clarifies whether she's always lived with them or returned. I completely agree with you though about the financial privileges many (not all) boomers have experienced compared to their children's generation. That's why we are making sure some of what we gained on the housing market goes to our adult kids in our lifetime and are supporting one living at home for free. However, human beings are complex and it's possible to recognize this privilege and still sometimes feel taken for granted. We've no idea what the relationship is like for OP, & her parents, but I know parent-guilt doesn't stop just because your kids are adults, even if you feel you shouldn't feel it. OP's mum's response sounds mean and self-focused but we don't know her situation and I'm not sure OP realised her request could have also unintentionally come across as a bit guilt trippy.

Show quote history

I moved out for uni and came home during Covid

OP posts:
Happyjoe · 11/12/2025 13:20

Absolutely, for sure. I'd not like the thought of you being out in the dark, hanging around for a start. Maybe next time they ask for lifts, go put your PJ's on?

Rewis · 11/12/2025 13:24

If MN is in anyway representive of real world. Showing how little people are willing to support and help out the people who they are suppose to love the most. No wonder the world is so fucekd up.

Worried198423 · 11/12/2025 13:35

I think people on MN love trying to pick holes and cause trouble.
I can't imagine leaving a child of mine standing freezing waiting on a bus when I could collect them.
In what world is that ok.

I think the ones who answered sparkly must hate their kids and do the bare minimum.

Hopefully @coldabdtired you get home tonight on time.

CautiousLurker2 · 11/12/2025 13:37

Roobarbtwo · 11/12/2025 13:15

I don't personally think her parents should be the parental uber. A 25 minute car journey is around 10 - 12 miles yes? Why should her parents or you have to drive either your son or their daughter a 20 miles round trip more than once a week just so they can see one another more often.

Surely (and I appreciate money is tight when you are a student) she could ask for a lift to the station at the weekend and get the train to you and if you were willing you could drive her home. Or she could stay over at the weekend if you and her parents would be OK with that.

When I was in my teens and dating my then boyfriend didn't live very close to me. He had a three mile walk to get home. He wouldn't get a taxi. My mum doesn't drive.

I only saw him once or twice a week - mostly at weekends and then he started staying over as I hated him walking it home .

I completely get that they will obviously want to see more of one another - but I don't think it should be expected that parents drive them about. What if your car went off the road, or theirs? Or you were unwell and not able to drive? I think picking someone up in a crisis is different from having to do it regularly - and it's good of you that you do.

Show quote history

Sorry Op if this is a derail but in replay to attached:

GF has asked for a lift to the station before and they’ve declined. If she wants to go anywhere she has to do the 3mil/1 hour walk herself, even in the rain or when it’s dark at night if she comes home that way.

On top of the walk, it’s a further 1.5 hour trip including the walk at our end. So 2.5 hours each way when it is 8.9miles away by car. I would offer to meet her at the end of the road and let them think she is using public transport, but I don’t encourage lying.

I have said that I am totally happy to pick her up from college (DS is in same town) and drop her back. There is no reason for them NOT to see each other 2-3x a week, do homework together (they are doing the same A levels and both A/A* students) when I and my DH is also happy to collect as it’s on our way from other things but they refuse to allow her. She is 18 in 2 months she should be allowed ‘out’ more than once a fortnight, surely? But she is literally not allowed to go anywhere because they will not drive her. She cannot see college friends outside college hours unless she skips seeing my son. And the reason her dad will not drive her is in part because they like to open a bottle of wine every evening and are only prepared to forgo (or delay) that once a fortnight?

They also will not allow her to stay over under any circumstances - we have offered as we have several guest bedrooms with en suites and DS/GF have both agreed between them that sex before A levels is off the table [no idea how I raised such a sensible lad]. I do get that, though as am not sure I’d be comfortable with my DD staying over at a BFs either.

So, it comes back to - if you chose to buy a house in the back and beyond you should be prepared to facilitate your children’s social lives if there is inadequate public transport - or allow other willing parents to do so on the basis it is facilitating their children’s social lives.

In my area lots there are lots of villages - all the parents happily drive their kids or pay for a taxi if they’ve had a couple of drinks already. Those that get fed up with it, move somewhere else so that their kids can be independent. Most people accept it is a temporary thing for a few years before they go to uni or learn to drive themselves and do the lifts willingly.

AngelicKaty · 11/12/2025 13:46

Rewis · 11/12/2025 13:24

If MN is in anyway representive of real world. Showing how little people are willing to support and help out the people who they are suppose to love the most. No wonder the world is so fucekd up.

Well, it would actually be good if this thread were representative of the real world because 91% support OP's POV and do not think she was being unreasonable to ask her for a lift. Some PPs are highlighting the negative 9%, but in addition to the decisive vote, the comments have been overwhelmingly supportive of OP, so there's really no need to get in a lather about the very small mean minority.

AngelicKaty · 11/12/2025 13:48

Worried198423 · 11/12/2025 13:35

I think people on MN love trying to pick holes and cause trouble.
I can't imagine leaving a child of mine standing freezing waiting on a bus when I could collect them.
In what world is that ok.

I think the ones who answered sparkly must hate their kids and do the bare minimum.

Hopefully @coldabdtired you get home tonight on time.

And fortunately the hole-picking, trouble-making types on this thread are a very small minority.

Worried198423 · 11/12/2025 13:50

AngelicKaty · 11/12/2025 13:48

And fortunately the hole-picking, trouble-making types on this thread are a very small minority.

Show quote history

Thank God.

AngelicKaty · 11/12/2025 13:55

CautiousLurker2 · 11/12/2025 13:37

Sorry Op if this is a derail but in replay to attached:

GF has asked for a lift to the station before and they’ve declined. If she wants to go anywhere she has to do the 3mil/1 hour walk herself, even in the rain or when it’s dark at night if she comes home that way.

On top of the walk, it’s a further 1.5 hour trip including the walk at our end. So 2.5 hours each way when it is 8.9miles away by car. I would offer to meet her at the end of the road and let them think she is using public transport, but I don’t encourage lying.

I have said that I am totally happy to pick her up from college (DS is in same town) and drop her back. There is no reason for them NOT to see each other 2-3x a week, do homework together (they are doing the same A levels and both A/A* students) when I and my DH is also happy to collect as it’s on our way from other things but they refuse to allow her. She is 18 in 2 months she should be allowed ‘out’ more than once a fortnight, surely? But she is literally not allowed to go anywhere because they will not drive her. She cannot see college friends outside college hours unless she skips seeing my son. And the reason her dad will not drive her is in part because they like to open a bottle of wine every evening and are only prepared to forgo (or delay) that once a fortnight?

They also will not allow her to stay over under any circumstances - we have offered as we have several guest bedrooms with en suites and DS/GF have both agreed between them that sex before A levels is off the table [no idea how I raised such a sensible lad]. I do get that, though as am not sure I’d be comfortable with my DD staying over at a BFs either.

So, it comes back to - if you chose to buy a house in the back and beyond you should be prepared to facilitate your children’s social lives if there is inadequate public transport - or allow other willing parents to do so on the basis it is facilitating their children’s social lives.

In my area lots there are lots of villages - all the parents happily drive their kids or pay for a taxi if they’ve had a couple of drinks already. Those that get fed up with it, move somewhere else so that their kids can be independent. Most people accept it is a temporary thing for a few years before they go to uni or learn to drive themselves and do the lifts willingly.

Show quote history

You sound like a kind parent with a pragmatic attitude. Unfortunately, your DS's GF's parents sound like self-centred arseholes.

CautiousLurker2 · 11/12/2025 13:58

AngelicKaty · 11/12/2025 13:55

You sound like a kind parent with a pragmatic attitude. Unfortunately, your DS's GF's parents sound like self-centred arseholes.

Show quote history

At least @coldabdtired can take comfort in knowing there are other parents out there like hers, so it’s not a ‘her’ thing, it’s a ‘them’ thing.

She shouldn’t change who she is or withdraw the helps she gives, though - I believe the universe pays it forward and her kindness and thoughtfulness will make it’s way back to her in due course… just not via her parents!

ImNotAsThinkAsYouDrunkIAm · 11/12/2025 14:03

God people are weird. It’s actually worrying that they think your Mum’s response is normal and right. ‘Sorry love I’m in my PJs, it’s not that cold I think you’ll be ok’. Going out to get you begrudgingly whilst secretly being annoyed. Both of those things would be ‘normal’ family interactions. But ‘no I can’t and how dare you ask, you should have thought about how you’d make me feel’? Nope, not normal. Next time someone asks you for a lift OP just say ‘sorry that doesn’t work for me I’m in/ about to get into my PJs’.

Pumpkinmagic · 11/12/2025 14:06

Not unreasonable at all that you asked. The response you got was quite selfish. I can’t imagine ever saying that to my daughter if she messaged me in this scenario.

Dozycuntlaters · 11/12/2025 15:39

Fucking hell, some of the responses on here are just crazy. You only asked for a lift, you didn't ask them to sacrifice a kitten. Jesus. No OP, you were not unreasonable to ask for a lift and your mum was out of order in the response she gave you. I swear some people on this forum believe once a kid turns 18 they should be completely fending for themselves with no favours from parents. Mind boggling. My 23 year old son still lives with me, and no way would I have left him freezing his bits off for hours when I'm sitting at home in the warm in my pj's, that;s just such an alien concept to me.

Definately start being mean with the lifts you give them, what's good for the goose and all that.

Roberta268 · 11/12/2025 17:58

An incident along similar lines (I returned from 2 months abroad with a moderately severe injury that restricted my mobility, at lunchtime on a Sunday, and my mother refused to do a 25 minute round car journey to pick me up from the airport) is one of about a thousand reasons why I no longer speak to her.

I wonder if this is part of a pattern for you or whether your parents are generally more supportive? Good luck - it’s a tough situation to be in, especially when it’s part of a pattern.

HappySonHappyMum · 11/12/2025 18:09

I've been thinking about this further - your Mum missed a great opportunity to have 'car chat' and spend one on one time with you which is often hard to come by when you have young adults that lead busy lives. It's on her - it's a shame she isn't more supportive.

Redwinedaze · 11/12/2025 18:11

I would have picked my daughter up.

goingtotown · 11/12/2025 18:18

I’d throw a coat over my pyjamas & pick you up, because I know you’d do the same for me.

Iziz · 11/12/2025 18:19

Your mum is snippy if you never ask for lifts there must be more to the story do you have a good relationship do they seem fed up with you living in the house still?

Mumoftwoandcats · 11/12/2025 18:24

I hope my (adult) kids call me and ask for a lift no matter what age they are, I'd rather stick a coat on over my PJs than have one of them be stranded in the cold and dark. Always.

TheRoseDeer · 11/12/2025 18:27

I would get my DD and wouldn’t say anything either but I feel I would privately be a little annoyed. The amount of energy and time bringing up a child is huge. Around the clock care in the early years. No going to bed early and pushing through illness and no time to recover to make sure the kid is ok and cared for. Your parent’s have done their dues, OP. They deserve to pop in PJs and go to bed of their own choosing. Maybe they wanted to relax, read, watch tv or whatever and they deserve it. They finished their job. And now you are planing to ‘restrict’ their lifts. You sound entitled to their time, house and finances and I hope your parents re-think their hospitality.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 11/12/2025 18:28

Yanbu. I would be more than happy to pick my young adult dd up in this scenario. And she would know that.

She knows that she can rely on us. I know that she wouldn't ever take the piss.

Roobarbtwo · 11/12/2025 18:28

Mumoftwoandcats · 11/12/2025 18:24

I hope my (adult) kids call me and ask for a lift no matter what age they are, I'd rather stick a coat on over my PJs than have one of them be stranded in the cold and dark. Always.

I agree but the OP wasn't stranded. They had a wait for a delayed bus

Newname71 · 11/12/2025 18:31

Mean of them!! I’ve got out of bed at 4am more than once to pick up my now 25 year old son when he couldn’t get a taxi home after a night out! Time you stopped giving them lifts I think.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 11/12/2025 18:33

TheRoseDeer · 11/12/2025 18:27

I would get my DD and wouldn’t say anything either but I feel I would privately be a little annoyed. The amount of energy and time bringing up a child is huge. Around the clock care in the early years. No going to bed early and pushing through illness and no time to recover to make sure the kid is ok and cared for. Your parent’s have done their dues, OP. They deserve to pop in PJs and go to bed of their own choosing. Maybe they wanted to relax, read, watch tv or whatever and they deserve it. They finished their job. And now you are planing to ‘restrict’ their lifts. You sound entitled to their time, house and finances and I hope your parents re-think their hospitality.

You make it sound like parents are doing their kids a favour by bringing them up. They're actually just fulfilling the duty that they chose to take on when they chose to have kids.

Fair enough if you don't want to do stuff to make your adult dc's lives easier. You're right that any "duty" has ended. But I don't think it's necessary to justify this by talking about how much parents would have done for their kids when children. That's not really relevant, is it?

My own parents would have gladly helped me out at any age, just as I would have helped them. For some people, that's just what families do. And they don't keep some sort of weird tally that says they have done their bit and no longer need to do anything else.