To have asked my parents for a lift home?

[coldabdtired]

I’m 25, and live at home with my parents. I drive but use public transport for work because it’s cheaper than parking.

tonight the bus home is delayed by 45 minutes. I worked 9-6:30, I was hoping to get on the 7:15 bus but it won’t be at my stop till 8.

i texted my family chat saying I know it’s cheeky but was anyone able to give me a lift if I walked to a different stop and got on a different bus because it was cold and I left the house before 7. My mum has come back and said that I’ve been really selfish to ask as they’re in their pyjamas but they’re going to feel guilty for saying no now because they know I’m tired and cold.

AIBU to have asked? I never ask for lifts anywhere, I drive or get the bus.

I’ve not encouraged that at all.

What gets me is that if they really couldn't make the minimal effort to chuck on a coat over their pyjamas and drive a few minutes to give you a lift, they could have just said 'Really sorry but we're in our pyjamas now and don't want to get the car out'. They didn't have to berate you for even asking!!

Honestly, they sound like complete arseholes, especially now I've seen that you give them lifts all the time!

You're getting lots of mean messages on here OP. I think it was absolutely reasonable to ask for help so you wouldn't be stranded cold and alone, especially to ask people who you yourself have gone out of your way to help in the past. I'm sorry they didn't return the favour and were difficult about it. It might be time to make yourself less available to last minute requests from them.

I have 2 daughters and I would happily pop out and get them if they needed it. I was lucky that my parents always made sure I knew that if I got in in any trouble or needed help they would be there in a heartbeat and I am making sure my daughters know the same. You weren't demanding lifts everyday, you wanted help in a one off, horrible situation. And please ignore any comments about living at home, a lot of the commenters seem to have no idea how difficult it is out there right now or seem to think that all young people should suffer hardship because they did.

I feel like the fact you asked your parents is irrelevant. Surely it's just about being a nice person. I used to live with friends and we would do stuff like this for each other. It's not about still depending on your parents or whatever, you just live with someone who supposedly cares about you and might wanna help you out. It's a shame they didn't.

That was not very kind of them. It's hardly a big ask.

Already asked and answered - read all of OP's posts.

Ignore nasty comments. You asked for other views but I don’t think you tried to negatively describe your parents.

Ah that is mean OP, my son is your age and I would have given him a lift.

Terrible parents. DD age 28 asked me if she could stay here on Friday as it is her work's Christmas party and we live nearer to the venue. Absolutely.

"Could you give me a lift to the station mum, a mile away and I'll get the train to the venue"

"Don't be silly, I'll take you to the venue and drop you off, don't get the train"

Me doing a 15 mile round trip in the cold and dark because I care about her and it is no skin off my nose. I may even have my pyjamas on in the car!

I think part of the issue is the fact that you are doing a two hour commute to work each way by the sounds of it.

I also don't think the parents are terrible for saying no. It's the delivery that was off. And if you are being used like a taxi to drive other people around - then stop it.

As for what you pay your parents rent - that's up to you and them but personally I think there must be more to this - your mum calling you selfish for asking for a lift suggests that there's more going on in the dynamic of your relationship.

You asked, you didn't expect. You do favours for them, including giving them lifts. It would have been nice of them to nip out and collect you. They didn't. They also made clear that they resent you asking. That's unkind of them and would make me rethink how the living together and helping each other out is working for you.

I would have picked you if possible as a one off.

However, it might be more expensive but if you have to wait around for so long in the dark and cold for a bus I’d be looking at driving instead. Assuming you have a car.

I think the problem was that communication was too emotive on both sides. You were probably just trying to justify and explain the request by mentioning that you were tired and cold, but I bet it came across to your parents as an attempt to pull the heartstrings, which pissed them off even though they felt, as your parents, that they shouldn't leave you in the cold. They could just have said no though, instead of trying to reverse the guilt! I'm your parents age and adult children coming back to live with you is a tricky dynamic. At the same time as wanting to support them, it's easy to feel taken advantage of. If your relationship with them is generally good, I wouldn't read too much into this.

You have been given an unnecessarily hard time on here, @coldabdtired. What you asked was completely reasonable and I wouldn’t hesitate to do it for DC. Despite being in my 40s, my dad still offers me a lift from the station when I go to see my parents!

It’s also fine for you to be living at home. Things are so much harder for people your age than they were even when I was younger. Massive uni debts, ridiculous housing costs as a result of under building whether buying or renting, raging energy prices, etc. some people cannot seem to grasp that everything has rocketed above inflation and that it isn’t the same as it was when they were young.

MN has a weird contingent of parents who seem to think that the minute their children turn 18 they should be chucked out (or pay substantial rent to live at home) and they don’t even owe their kids frankly even basic human kindness - and they seem to be out in force on your post! Ignore them.

OP hasn't "come back" to live with her parents - she's never left (nor has her brother) which is unsurprising given the availability of affordable housing in the UK. In 2022 the average age for an adult child to leave home was 25, but the average age for them to move back in ("boomerangers" or "re-nesters") was 26.
Our generation (Boomers) is the luckiest to have ever lived, but there are too many Boomers who fail to recognise how hard life is for younger generations, especially wrt housing.

I often offer lifts to my adult offspring, what you asked was completely reasonable and you got a mean and miserable response. I'm not surprised you were pissed off. What a miserable end to a long work day for you. Hope things improve today and next time they ask for a lift, forward onto them their text from last night 😂

She's annoyed because she wanted to not have to come and get you and also not feel guilty about refusing to help her child out in the smallest way.

not sure what happened on this thread but the Grinch's are amusing if nothing else
I have two kids and the bus was going to be 30 minutes late last weekend so I went and picked them up....in my pj's and oodie.....isnt this what we do for each other?
I think next time they want a lift, your stock response should be no and that you are annoyed as you now feel guilty so they should stop asking.
As for living at home....not many single 25 year old can afford to move out. I can imagine my two still being here at 25 and I think that perfectly fine. Paying under market rate....well of course they will be, they are my children, in fact, I will be putting their 'rent' into a separate account and giving it back to them when they move out!

I think I live on a a different planet to some people on here sometimes. Am i absolutely crazy to think it’s ok to ask a family member, friend etc for a lift home when it’s the middle of winter and you’ve been at work all day! Obviously it’s fine to ask someone, they can say no but that’s pretty mean. If you can make someone’s day a little less shit just help them out. It’s really not that deep

Well she is ops mum in terms of lack of emotional intelligence.

I’d happily pick my kids up on a winters evening, no matter how old they are. Well, when I say I, I mean I’d send DH…😉

You didn't do anything wrong by asking. I lived at home until my early 20s and this was 10+ years ago - the market is a lot different now. I don't even own my home even now, I still rent! And it's fucking extortionate. I'm surprised people are so surprised about you living at home when the state of the housing and rental market are well known to be absolute dogshit.

Anyway, I don't think you were wrong to ask. My parents have bailed me out of shitty, unavoidable situations many times, even as a fully grown adult. I hope I will do the same for my child when she's older.

I'm not saying parents should never say no or drop everything for their adult children, but you don't stop needing help sometimes when you're not a young child anymore. Life still happens and we should still be able to rely on our families when we need them.

I'd happily go and pick up my DS in this situation. If I was in my pyjamas I'd just pull a coat on and put my trainers on. If you were doing it every week then it might become a pain but now and again is no problem.

God people are such nasty shit bags sometimes.

There is nothing wrong with asking.
There is nothing wrong with parents saying no, sorry, they're in for the night.

It doesn't matter how old OP is.
It doesn't matter how much she earns.
It doesn't matter if she has a car but hasn't driven it today.
It doesn't matter that it wasn't as cold where you were.

Frankly @coldabdtired you could have text or called me (if I were your mum) and if I could be bothered I would have collected you, even if you'd just said "tbh mum I just cba walking home".

YANBU to ask them the question, your mum was UR to get frosty with you. She's your mum for crying out loud.

I don't think she clarifies whether she's always lived with them or returned. I completely agree with you though about the financial privileges many (not all) boomers have experienced compared to their children's generation. That's why we are making sure some of what we gained on the housing market goes to our adult kids in our lifetime and are supporting one living at home for free. However, human beings are complex and it's possible to recognize this privilege and still sometimes feel taken for granted. We've no idea what the relationship is like for OP, & her parents, but I know parent-guilt doesn't stop just because your kids are adults, even if you feel you shouldn't feel it. OP's mum's response sounds mean and self-focused but we don't know her situation and I'm not sure OP realised her request could have also unintentionally come across as a bit guilt trippy.