To have asked my parents for a lift home?

[coldabdtired]

I’m 25, and live at home with my parents. I drive but use public transport for work because it’s cheaper than parking.

tonight the bus home is delayed by 45 minutes. I worked 9-6:30, I was hoping to get on the 7:15 bus but it won’t be at my stop till 8.

i texted my family chat saying I know it’s cheeky but was anyone able to give me a lift if I walked to a different stop and got on a different bus because it was cold and I left the house before 7. My mum has come back and said that I’ve been really selfish to ask as they’re in their pyjamas but they’re going to feel guilty for saying no now because they know I’m tired and cold.

AIBU to have asked? I never ask for lifts anywhere, I drive or get the bus.

youre not at all unreasonable and in your shoes I wouldn't drive either of them anywhere again

She said that and yet still didn't do it??
What was the point of her comment then!

<shakes head>

Have you had a conversation this morning or are they carpet brushing until you ‘snap out’ of your mood?

@coldabdtired I would definitely agree with you 💯 about giving others lifts if no-one was willing to help you out. Just say "sorry, I'm in my pj's" or washing my hair, having a bath etc. See how they like it when the shoe is on the other foot. Yes, I'm aware it's petty, before all the haters jump on me, but if the OP is giving others lifts then why could no-one help her out? 2 can play that game. Glad you finally got warmed up, when you eventually got home x

This. They are selfish for not throwing on a coat and helping you.

Nobody was awake when I left so I won’t speak to anyone till tonight

Seems like PPs are now suggesting that OP driving her family (including her brother?) around should be expected because she's not paying market rate rent - therefore should be providing a service without complaint or expectation of the occasional reciprocation?

I think that's bollocks frankly. Unless they had a contract drawn up? Unlikely.

It's clear she did feel guilty for saying no and so she should have done.

Sad some of the family dynamics you hear about on here.

I tell you one thing, they'd be getting no more lifts from me!

Very mean considering you drive them often. I’ve told my DD I will always pick her up if she’s stuck whatever the time - she told me of a friend in a situation like yours (but later at night) I told DD that I would have got up and picked her friend up myself had I known, and she should tell her friend that if she were ever stuck and in need to call me.

I think sometimes its a safety issue, and all young girls should know they have someone to call if they ever need to

Yes, I'd be responding in very much the same way they did when asked for a lift in the future. You reap what you sow.

I'm older than your mother and I do, and will continue, to pick my children up in the middle of the night if they need me to.. never mind in the evening.
They are bang out of order putting the guilts on you and they should be ashamed of themselves.
Half an hour in a warm car for me VS my daughter standing in the street in the cold and dark.. I'm disgusted.

@coldabdtired

Of course YANBU. How remarkly cold and mean for your parents to say no as they're 'in their pyjamas.'

I would have driven to the end of the country and back to pick up my DC if they were stuck/stranded, even if it was midnight, and I have done, quite a few times. They were mostly 16-21 then, (when this happened a handful of times in the past,) but even in their 20s or 30s, (or any age actually,) I can't imagine not being arsed to bother with my own children if they needed me. Dreadul. Your parents should hang their head(s) in shame.

I hope you have a better journey in and home tonight, OP. I've been your age and had a longish commute home and it does suck! In summer it was fine but in the depths of winter waiting around is horrible.

You're right about the hypocrisy on here, you're saving a good chunk of money going to work on the bus, does that mean you should always have to endure a cold wait when someone could come get you? When you would do and have done similar for them regularly?

What's that saying? Pull yourself up by your bootstraps? It's just not that simple in current year. You're doing what you can with the tools you have. Your parents probably have no idea what it's like for you. But they also enjoy the perks of having you around. If you save as much as you can, it'll be hard and take a while but I hope you’ll be able to move out eventually.

All the best.

I feel the same. DS has a girlfriend whose parents, who do seem lovely in person but seem to be very introverted WFH professionals and hate leaving their house [dad likes a drink in the evening, apparently], and they won’t drop her at our house and pick her up more than once a fortnight.

My DS and GF do not go to same college (met via friends) and GF lives in a lovely executive new build in a new estate in the middle of nowhere. 3mile walk to a station and 2 train changes/1hr 15mins train journey to get to us on her own. But we live less than 25mins away by car. And they tell her off if she accepts a lift from me because it makes them feel bad. So my DS is only able to see her once a week, alternating between her home and ours. But I am in her emergency contacts in case her college bus gets cancelled, not her parents.

I am secretly very cross with them - if you move your children to the middle of bloody nowhere, you accept that until they are driving, you are the parental uber. It’s why we live within a 7mins walk of a train station/buses/taxi rank and on a main line to London.

Sadly, there is so much tension in GFs house over this and related issues, that I fear she will not be motivated to maintain a relationship with them when she heads off to uni, which I find so sad and short-sighted.

I'm sorry op that's so dissappinting.
I grew up with these kind of parents. I remember lots of times but particularly being 13 years old and stranded because the shuttle train stopped for the evening no bus alternatives. I was only away from home because my dad was dating my friends mum that lived there he decided he wanted to spend the night but he wouldn't drive me home Was happy for me to just wait till the morning at the train station 🤷🏼‍♀️. In the end a auntie got me as I had no money to do anything else.
Times at hospital neither would help or give me a lift home.
By the time I was in my twenties I never asked for lifts because I knew it was pointless. I'd be cold to the bone tired and hungry Often waiting in unsafe places for replacement bus services. Rural transport is particularly rubbish most stop at 5pm.

I offer very minimal help to them and intend to offer less. I'm nc with my dad and lowering contact with my mum. I'd suggest when you're in a position to you may well want to consider doing the same or certainly not prioritising them.

Now I've had children myself. There is nothing that would stop me picking them up.

I hope you had some yummy warm food and look after yourself.

I don't think you need to worry about providing them with lifts again in the future. What I do wonder is, why you didn't point out to them how much you do for them and why do they feel this isn't a two way street, something very unbalanced

This tells you all you need to know about how they see you, I'm afraid.

My eldest is a bit younger than you. I would have picked her up without question.

Sorry @coldabdtired but it was inappropriate and unnecessary for you to ask. It’s literally why did you need to inconvenience others to avoid inconveniencing yourself? Why could you not just suck it up and get yourself home like everyone else.

It would be different if the last bus got cancelled. But expecting your parents to come running because you don’t want to wait half an hour in the cold is a bit overly dependent and inconsiderate.

And yes I do know you don’t demand it but you may as well have as you made it difficult for them to say no (hence your mothers OTT reply)

This is also nothing to do with lifts that you already provide to others in your household.
It is the same as if you were nearly at work then a family member not wanting to wait half an hour for a bus asking you to come home and take them somewhere and then you have your make your way back to work again. Can you see that that request would be inconsiderate and inappropriate?

Actually there was nothing wrong in you asking and also nothing wrong in your mum saying no or being annoyed that you asked. The problem is you being annoyed that she said no/how she said no, it’s very entitled and me me me.

honestly I can’t believe how much grief you’re getting on this thread OP!

Your text was totally reasonable. I’d have been out like a shot to be fetch you, pjs or no. I feel terribly sorry for you and YES I’d find myself very unavailable to offer lifts to family in future.

“I’m in my pjs” or “I’ll be needing to rest because it’s so exhausting working all week so no, I won’t be able to take you or pick you up unfortunately” from now on!

you can cheerfully live a home-life in your cosy stuff and slippers and never have to offer a lift to anyone again.

I’d make my next move an investment in some extremely comfortable leisure wear.

That's sad OP. They sound selfish. You weren't asking much from them. I would always help my child if I could.

I would suggest you need to think about moving out, perhaps to somewhere near your work. Get some distance from them and see them for who they really are.

Are you everywhere in the country? It was cold here.

It was bloody freezing here too. Even for me and I run about ten degrees hotter than most folk 😁

I think when adult children leave families like this to live on their own, they do so far more easily than in a family where you have a mother setting a tone like that.

My children constantly drop/pick each other up from trains, college, city centre because they have been reared by parents who believe that family help each other when we can.
I am very proud of them for that reason.

I hope you have a better day today OP.

This is such a bad habit! Getting into a lifetime habit of regular walking rather than driving is healther for your son, physically and mentally. And your driving increases unecessary traffic on the roads. Everyone in our family regularly walks that sort of distance to the station and we almost never give each other lifts. It's not because we dont love each other!

OP, it isn’t just whether or not they agreed, it’s the response. Had your Mum replied ‘oh sorry love what bad luck. Unfortunately I can’t come out, but I’ll have the kettle in ready for when you get back’ that would have been one thing. But to guilt trip and call you selfish for simply asking: horrible.

Is she always like this?