We can’t help if it’s impossible to !!!

[Greyspiders]

Today we have had a massive argument with MIL. She has uninvited us from visiting on Boxing Day due to what she describes as our selfish and cruel behaviour towards her.

Dh was miles away at a hospital appointment with oldest dc. I was at home and then picking up youngest dc from school. MIL phoned me in a panic saying she couldn’t get hold of her son-I explained hes at the hospital and probably can’t answer / no signal? She wanted immediate help to get to the emergency vet and wanted dh , she said she couldn’t even lift the dog (and also she doesn’t drive) and SIL was at work and she refused to disturb her. I said how sorry I was and could I help by sending her the taxi money ? She said it’s impossible to get a taxi that will take a sick dog and that she can’t carry him anyway so what use was that. She said she will keep trying dh and I need to as well as he needed to come straight back. She then said I should be doing things like appointments it’s ’not a mans job’ !!!

I asked was there not some kind of emergency vet that could visit and again said if cost was an issue we would help. She hung up on me. Dh then started messaging as said she was calling him and he couldn’t answer and had messaged her saying he will
call when out of hospital but she kept calling and did I know if she was ok.

She’s now said that I’m stopping her ever having support from her son ?? Which isn’t true as he does a lot for her . She messaged ‘don’t bother visiting on Boxing Day I’ve had enough of you’ .

AIBU as how can she have a go at us for not helping when we were not able to do what she needed ? If he had been here he would have !!

OP said MIL has not asked about the child at all.

I understand where you are coming from, but I actually think this is not just a one sided thing, it sounds like a very honest account.

It was a situation where MIL was distressed and wanted her son, she didn't actually want OP at all, she didn't ring her for help or support, she ONLY wanted OP to get hold of her son and send him round immediately, obviously OP refused to do that as he was at the hospital.. MIL now blames OP for that.

I get the impression that MIL thought that if she could get hold of her son, she could convince him and he probably WOULD leave the hospital and come to help her (maybe based on prioir "emergencies"), but she couldn't get him and OP was "blocking" her attempts to contact him.

MIL quite obviously has a deep rooted problem with OP taking her son away and in the panic of the moment it has all spilled out into the open, it's worrying that she has immediately forgiven her son for not being able to come, but now wants to punish OP for her DH not being able to come.. I honestly can't see why people would defend MIL in this situation, none of it was OPs fault or responsibility to sort, she offered some solutions the best she could, but she COULDN'T help.. it's not that she WOULDN'T.

But if that was the case for mil she’d look for help anywhere not insist on it being the son. That’s the manipulative bit. The dogs a bit of a red herring.

I do have some skin in the game her as I was subject to enmeshment/emotional incest /parentification from my mum and I also a mum who has chosen her dog over me and her grandchild because she won’t train the dog to not jump up, she says it’s me or that it can’t be trained. When I suggested that wasn’t right her solution was for me not to go to her house.

I deal with it every day and recognise it. Narcissism is a neurodivergence, so not sure what distinction you are trying to make?

hi - narcissism is a personality disorder, not a neurodivergence.

No point in explaining again, He was unable to come as in X town at important hospital aptmt with GC she wants to hear what she wants.
Your DH needs to speak to his sister & they maintain a joint stance.
He tells her she winds her neck in, & apologises. or she will be alone on Boxing Day.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a diagnosable mental health condition and a recognized personality disorder. It is not the same as neurodivergence. At all.

Narcissism is NOT neurodivergence. Narcissism is a personality trait and behaviour that in its most severe form is a personality disorder. A mental health condition. People who are neurodivegent can be highly narcissistic but they are not one and the same thing.

Exactly, and to be fair, all of us can have a few narcissistic traits (eg vanity, need to be right, need for attention/control at times etc). But having traits of narcissism is not the same as actually having NPD.

'Your responses are often sour and you seem to enjoy kicking an OP when they are down.'
This is completely irrational and has nothing to do with what I said, think or feel.
Unfortunately, it shows up the irrationality of the posters who take OP at face value and don't consider the wider possibilities. This is not how things work IRL.

For heaven's sakes - she's acting like a spoilt child!! And using the primary school social currency of 'You're not invited to my party' . Sounds like she should bog off back to 1972 with her blue jobs/pink jobs attitude !!!
Foolish woman.
And, no, you are in no way acting unreasonably. Hope you have a lovely Christmas.

As a teacher I would be raging if I had to delay picking up my own child from nursery because a student's mum's MIL's dog was sick.

Mn must be really frustrating for you @SixtySomething with the ops never inviting whoever the threads about to join in!

You're actually quite funny!

Then you shouldn't be commenting on any thread at all by this rationale.

Because every thread on this site only ever has the OP's side of the story. In fact, we only have your side of the story for your own opinion as well so why should we listen to your view at all?

You might be the MIL as far as we know - after all, we have to consider the wider possibilities and we cant rule it out at face value

Agree.
Up there with "we are only hearing one side of the story"🙄 wtf? Thats how MN works🤷🏻‍♀️😂

Yes, I agree just sick would be no excuse.

I thought it was an emergency. My dh's dog when I first met him ripped his leg almost totally off and was losing blood like crazy. Dogs also need really prompt attention if they eat certain things like chocolate, and I was envisioning something like those scenarios.

In those circumstances I'm afraid I probably would risk enraging the teacher if I thought the dog was at risk of dying (which, to me, is what constitutes an "emergency.")

But anyway, it's all by the by and hypothetical, because it turns put MIL's dog wasn't remotely that much in need of urgent attention.

Sound like a reason to celebrate. Have a fabulous boxing day. I would archive her messages so you don't n ed to read them. It's up to your DH to manage the relationship but I would recommend he nips this in the bud.

She is really toxic. The fact that she hasn't asked after your DC is appalling.

Fade her and force her to find her own support network. It's telling that she hasn't got a friend that would help her out - speaks volumes.

What was her response to DH refusing to attend on BD?

Your MIL is a very nasty piece of work and I think you should relish the fact that you dont have to spend time with this awful toxic woman on boxing day.

If it was truly an emergency with her dog she could have called the vet out to her, but she didnt, which shows how little she actually cares for her pet.

The fact she didn't even ask about her own grandchild's hospital appointment is also appalling.

Horrible, nasty woman.

Quickly book something for Boxing Day in case she changes her mind. I'm surprised you hadn't already 😂

You should be doing appointments and stuff because it’s “not a man’s job” to take his child to get medical attention. But it is his job to take her dog to get medical attention. Talk about double standards 🤣 she’s off her head. See How she is when she’s thinking straight.

To everyone saying 'quick, book something for Boxing Day' it's totally unnecessary. If the MIL changes her mind (she won't, as she's doubling down) there is zero obligation to go and there's no need to have an excuse. I think MIL will continue to turn this into a huge showdown/drama and then, as predicted by a previous poster, chuck a health "emergency". Probably chest pains on Christmas Eve and she'll need her surrogate husband son with her for the whole of Christmas.

To be honest, it sounds like you've dodged a bullet OP! I wouldn't want to spend any time over Christmas with anyone that erratic and unhinged.

Firstly, she thought it was appropriate to try and disturb a hospital appointment but she didn't find it appropriate to contact her actual daughter who was at work? Despite your kind offers of money to support her getting a taxi, you've been accused of blocking her access to 'golden boy' and now you're the 'evil daughter in law'.

I would send her a firm message reaffirming the support you gave her and highlighting how unreasonable she's being. Thank her for uninviting you as you wouldn't want to spend time with her anyway after her behaviour.

I'm so sorry you've been put through that!

I would have tried to get there and help. I really love animals. But I see I’m alone in how I’m taking this so I’m willing to accept I’m irrational