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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We can’t help if it’s impossible to !!!

551 replies

Greyspiders · 10/12/2025 16:27

Today we have had a massive argument with MIL. She has uninvited us from visiting on Boxing Day due to what she describes as our selfish and cruel behaviour towards her.

Dh was miles away at a hospital appointment with oldest dc. I was at home and then picking up youngest dc from school. MIL phoned me in a panic saying she couldn’t get hold of her son-I explained hes at the hospital and probably can’t answer / no signal? She wanted immediate help to get to the emergency vet and wanted dh , she said she couldn’t even lift the dog (and also she doesn’t drive) and SIL was at work and she refused to disturb her. I said how sorry I was and could I help by sending her the taxi money ? She said it’s impossible to get a taxi that will take a sick dog and that she can’t carry him anyway so what use was that. She said she will keep trying dh and I need to as well as he needed to come straight back. She then said I should be doing things like appointments it’s ’not a mans job’ !!!

I asked was there not some kind of emergency vet that could visit and again said if cost was an issue we would help. She hung up on me. Dh then started messaging as said she was calling him and he couldn’t answer and had messaged her saying he will
call when out of hospital but she kept calling and did I know if she was ok.

She’s now said that I’m stopping her ever having support from her son ?? Which isn’t true as he does a lot for her . She messaged ‘don’t bother visiting on Boxing Day I’ve had enough of you’ .

AIBU as how can she have a go at us for not helping when we were not able to do what she needed ? If he had been here he would have !!

OP posts:
TidyCyan · 12/12/2025 06:11

SixtySomething · 11/12/2025 22:39

Because it's entirely possible that the hospital appointment was for something entirely routine and that there really was an emergency with the dog.
This would give a different slant to the story.

Show quote history

Oh dear.
And you think other people need to apply common sense.

TidyCyan · 12/12/2025 06:14

NoXmasPudding · 12/12/2025 05:29

Exactly. It’s just sanctimonious nonsense.

Show quote history

It is. Some people will jump in with any old guff to defend a "poor elderly lady". Given the OP's age MiL could be in her early 50s or younger. And frankly, respect is earned.

firstofallimadelight · 12/12/2025 07:08

Don’t go Boxing Day even if she changes her mind. She needs to learn if she crosses a line there’s consequences. Enjoy a nice day at home with
kids.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 12/12/2025 07:10

Autumn38 · 10/12/2025 17:01

from your update it sounds like she is a decent person who goes into a massive panic over certain things and can’t regulate her own emotions/ responses. I’d ignore her behaviour, carry on as normal as you can and see how things are in a week or so.

Agreed.

Casperroonie · 12/12/2025 07:12

Greyspiders · 10/12/2025 16:27

Today we have had a massive argument with MIL. She has uninvited us from visiting on Boxing Day due to what she describes as our selfish and cruel behaviour towards her.

Dh was miles away at a hospital appointment with oldest dc. I was at home and then picking up youngest dc from school. MIL phoned me in a panic saying she couldn’t get hold of her son-I explained hes at the hospital and probably can’t answer / no signal? She wanted immediate help to get to the emergency vet and wanted dh , she said she couldn’t even lift the dog (and also she doesn’t drive) and SIL was at work and she refused to disturb her. I said how sorry I was and could I help by sending her the taxi money ? She said it’s impossible to get a taxi that will take a sick dog and that she can’t carry him anyway so what use was that. She said she will keep trying dh and I need to as well as he needed to come straight back. She then said I should be doing things like appointments it’s ’not a mans job’ !!!

I asked was there not some kind of emergency vet that could visit and again said if cost was an issue we would help. She hung up on me. Dh then started messaging as said she was calling him and he couldn’t answer and had messaged her saying he will
call when out of hospital but she kept calling and did I know if she was ok.

She’s now said that I’m stopping her ever having support from her son ?? Which isn’t true as he does a lot for her . She messaged ‘don’t bother visiting on Boxing Day I’ve had enough of you’ .

AIBU as how can she have a go at us for not helping when we were not able to do what she needed ? If he had been here he would have !!

Sounds like you dodged a bullet, enjoy your boxing day!!! She's obviously mental.

TorroFerney · 12/12/2025 07:32

SixtySomething · 11/12/2025 22:39

Because it's entirely possible that the hospital appointment was for something entirely routine and that there really was an emergency with the dog.
This would give a different slant to the story.

Show quote history

It wouldn’t matter if the hospital appointment was for the most routine thing ever, who would prioritise a dog, and not even their dog, over a child’s appointment? Barking , pardon the pun.

Sonia1111 · 12/12/2025 07:37

Greyspiders · 10/12/2025 17:05

I can’t work out if she just can’t plan things well and panics genuinely in emergencies or if she’s manipulating us ? She can be fine for weeks or months then we get these issues . In some ways I’d like a year off from the Boxing Day get together so maybe this is the ideal opportunity!

I would say she seems neurodivergent and genuinely felt as she was describing. It is very hard on the people around, and no real good solution to it, but you could settle in your mind that she isn't doing it to upset anyone. She is genuinely in pieces.

Planning forwards isn't a skill of many ADHD people, hence it keeps happening. RSV (rejection sensitive disorder) makes one feel attacked or rejected at the slightest thing, and is commonly used as the reason to attack "back"). I work with small kids like this and the trick with them is to be constantly reassuring and not to expect too much, but my MIL has the same condition and I'm non-contact with her as it's impossible. Such a poisonous person (who is lavish with gifts and always going on about wanting a relationship and always saying how awful I am).

ADHDdiagnosis · 12/12/2025 07:39

I’m going against the grain here but I’m on mils side.
I’m an animal lover and she was desperately worried and panicked about her dog. This was a genuine crisis for her.
She felt you were uncaring and she needed her son’s help.
i get it. But if she truly doesn’t want you on Boxing Day then let her be.

bigboykitty · 12/12/2025 07:43

Please stop it with the amateur neurodivergent diagnoses - there's at least one on every thread. OP's MIL has strong narcissistic traits. Suggesting ADHD is insulting.

ADHDdiagnosis · 12/12/2025 07:43

TorroFerney · 12/12/2025 07:32

It wouldn’t matter if the hospital appointment was for the most routine thing ever, who would prioritise a dog, and not even their dog, over a child’s appointment? Barking , pardon the pun.

Show quote history

A dog in a crisis would be the priority for me - if the child’s appointment was for the most routine thing ever.
any health crisis trumps a non emergency appointment. And animals are vulnerable and reliant on their owners. They can’t seek their own help.
so I’m on my own here but I’m with mil on this one.

figgyboos · 12/12/2025 07:48

ThisLittlePony · 11/12/2025 22:04

ahem… I just started a charity @figgyboos …. 😇 if you felt your ‘donation’ was enough… you do you…. Sniff x bajillion…

Show quote history

hahaha!

Fine.

I've just taken 50 dogs to the vet. Started at 10pm, worked all through the night, collecting them from various elderly people's houses and have only just finished now at 7.47am.

Do I win now?

sniff

Dymaxion · 12/12/2025 07:48

And animals are vulnerable and reliant on their owners. They can’t seek their own help.
so I’m on my own here but I’m with mil on this one.

So in an emergency situation you would dismiss offers of help, refuse to contact anyone other than the one person who definitely can't help, leaving the animal in distress and at risk of harm @ADHDdiagnosis ? Because that is what the MIL did.

figgyboos · 12/12/2025 07:50

ADHDdiagnosis · 12/12/2025 07:43

A dog in a crisis would be the priority for me - if the child’s appointment was for the most routine thing ever.
any health crisis trumps a non emergency appointment. And animals are vulnerable and reliant on their owners. They can’t seek their own help.
so I’m on my own here but I’m with mil on this one.

Show quote history

So, what would you have expected the OP to do then?

Based on the fact she doesnt drive, doesnt have a car, was not able to get through to her husband as he was at the hospital and already offered MIL to pay for a taxi? what exactly should she have done in this scenario?

Oh, and also, MIL could have rung her daughter as she drives but she chose not to bother her.....

IkeaMeatballGravy · 12/12/2025 07:53

ADHDdiagnosis · 12/12/2025 07:43

A dog in a crisis would be the priority for me - if the child’s appointment was for the most routine thing ever.
any health crisis trumps a non emergency appointment. And animals are vulnerable and reliant on their owners. They can’t seek their own help.
so I’m on my own here but I’m with mil on this one.

Show quote history

Why couldn't the sister in law take an hour or two off work? Why didn't the MIL have an emergency plan in place knowing she can't drive?

I'm trying to think what kind of appointment at the hospital would be routine enough to justify cancelling. All appointments stem from a child having some problem or discomfort so of course that trumps a dog. Also if they cancel they may not get another appointment for months.

Maybe MIL should have been a responsible dog owner and kept the chocolate or whatever toxin the dog consumed away from her animal.

Cymbalsimba · 12/12/2025 07:59
  1. offer to go and help once you’ve picked your son up?
  2. swap with your husband once you’ve picked your son up?
You don’t have to do these but if someone you cared about was scared and in a panic you could do those so yabu that it’s impossible to help. Though if she’s got form for being difficult I can understand why you wouldn’t.
ImogenBrocklehurst · 12/12/2025 08:03

Manro · 10/12/2025 18:56

Your 'solutions' were shit and she got frustrated with you. Understandable if her dog was very ill.

Wasn’t OP’s responsibility to find solutions. And what non “shit” solutions would you have brainstormed?

figgyboos · 12/12/2025 08:14

Cymbalsimba · 12/12/2025 07:59

  1. offer to go and help once you’ve picked your son up?
  2. swap with your husband once you’ve picked your son up?
You don’t have to do these but if someone you cared about was scared and in a panic you could do those so yabu that it’s impossible to help. Though if she’s got form for being difficult I can understand why you wouldn’t.
  1. OP doesnt drive so not able to pick up anyone and couldnt even contact her husband as he was in the hospital
  2. OP couldnt have swapped as she was picking up her other child from school

The MIL however had many more choices that she chose NOT to action:

  1. She chose not to contact her daughter
  2. She chose not to call the emergency vet out

If anyone is being cruel to this dog, its 100% the MIL and frankly, she shouldn't own a pet if she's not going to respond appropriately to dog medical emergencies

BMW6 · 12/12/2025 08:21

ADHDdiagnosis · 12/12/2025 07:39

I’m going against the grain here but I’m on mils side.
I’m an animal lover and she was desperately worried and panicked about her dog. This was a genuine crisis for her.
She felt you were uncaring and she needed her son’s help.
i get it. But if she truly doesn’t want you on Boxing Day then let her be.

So what do you think OP should have done????

diddl · 12/12/2025 08:25

ADHDdiagnosis · 12/12/2025 07:39

I’m going against the grain here but I’m on mils side.
I’m an animal lover and she was desperately worried and panicked about her dog. This was a genuine crisis for her.
She felt you were uncaring and she needed her son’s help.
i get it. But if she truly doesn’t want you on Boxing Day then let her be.

That's understandable.

But there was nothing that her son could do & she wouldn't accept that.

From her nastiness I'm thinking that she didn't believe Op?

KateShugakIsALegend · 12/12/2025 08:26

So the MIL is obviously massively out of line.

I wonder if, from her perspective, being a single mum with a son, she came to think of him as her 'man about the house'.

And you took him, and the security that would bring, away from her.

And that is why she feels like she is suffering an injustice - and why you are the cause of it.

Batshit, of course.

But perhaps, if you do speak again, you could reassure her that she is really important to you both, and that you are there for her, but not as an emergency service.

I doubt it will work, but it is a low risk approach to try.

TheVoiceOfReason91 · 12/12/2025 08:36

She sounds like a T*"t if it was me in that position I wouldn't go on boxing day but I would also be just as horrible back and send her a shovel with a note saying you might need that for your dog

TorturedPotatoDept · 12/12/2025 08:48

ADHDdiagnosis · 12/12/2025 07:39

I’m going against the grain here but I’m on mils side.
I’m an animal lover and she was desperately worried and panicked about her dog. This was a genuine crisis for her.
She felt you were uncaring and she needed her son’s help.
i get it. But if she truly doesn’t want you on Boxing Day then let her be.

If she was actually worried about the dog, she would have asked the SIL to drive her. But she didn't. Because it wasn't about the dog; it was about trying to pull rank on the OP and assert herself as her son's priority over his own wife and children. If she was simply panicking over her dog's health, she would have taken the quicker option (calling SIL) rather then wait for her son to get back from the hospital appointment she expected him to abandon.

HisNibs · 12/12/2025 08:49

The thing that does it for me if I was in OP's position is that after the "emergency" was over and the dog was stable at the Vets that MIL chose to attack OP and ban her from Boxing Day. Literally for not phoning her husband (who wasn't answering MILs direct calls anyway) and ordering him to abandon their child's medical appointment. Remember that this is not in the heat of the moment any more. If I was OP, I'd be telling her never to contact me again but I'm too old for this kind of shit anymore. If I was OP's husband, I'd be telling my Mum to piss off too. It really does seem like some kind of weird power play.

AutumnLover1989 · 12/12/2025 08:51

Did the mil even ring to see how their grandchild got on at their appointment? 😕

figgyboos · 12/12/2025 08:52

AutumnLover1989 · 12/12/2025 08:51

Did the mil even ring to see how their grandchild got on at their appointment? 😕

OP said she didnt.

She sounds vile