We can’t help if it’s impossible to !!!

[Greyspiders]

Today we have had a massive argument with MIL. She has uninvited us from visiting on Boxing Day due to what she describes as our selfish and cruel behaviour towards her.

Dh was miles away at a hospital appointment with oldest dc. I was at home and then picking up youngest dc from school. MIL phoned me in a panic saying she couldn’t get hold of her son-I explained hes at the hospital and probably can’t answer / no signal? She wanted immediate help to get to the emergency vet and wanted dh , she said she couldn’t even lift the dog (and also she doesn’t drive) and SIL was at work and she refused to disturb her. I said how sorry I was and could I help by sending her the taxi money ? She said it’s impossible to get a taxi that will take a sick dog and that she can’t carry him anyway so what use was that. She said she will keep trying dh and I need to as well as he needed to come straight back. She then said I should be doing things like appointments it’s ’not a mans job’ !!!

I asked was there not some kind of emergency vet that could visit and again said if cost was an issue we would help. She hung up on me. Dh then started messaging as said she was calling him and he couldn’t answer and had messaged her saying he will
call when out of hospital but she kept calling and did I know if she was ok.

She’s now said that I’m stopping her ever having support from her son ?? Which isn’t true as he does a lot for her . She messaged ‘don’t bother visiting on Boxing Day I’ve had enough of you’ .

AIBU as how can she have a go at us for not helping when we were not able to do what she needed ? If he had been here he would have !!

Ok… what’s the other side of a whinging mil demanding her dgc hospital appointment be cancelled to suit her?

This is nonsense. I never questioned the veracity of the appointment.
I'm certainly not a cheerleader for MIL.
I'm just in favour of a little common sense and respect for other people.

Go on then. Why is the reason for the hospital appointment relevant?

I really wouldn't like to experience your disrespectful side then 🤨

What would you have suggested?

Because it's entirely possible that the hospital appointment was for something entirely routine and that there really was an emergency with the dog.
This would give a different slant to the story.

Ay?

The woman loves her dog more than her DGC! I'd hate my MIL if she acted like our DC's needs were below her pet's.

It really wouldnt!

My eldest son has a lifelong disability. He had a LOT of "routine" appointments. Just because they were considered routine didnt mean that a) they weren't important and b) that another appointment wouldnt take to months to wait for.

Especially when MIL (I am one myself) had other options but chose not to take them. If she had tried to get a home visit for example and no local vet did them (rare but not unheard of) and SIL was 2 hours away in a meeting, then fair enough. But she didnt even want to try to find out. And in the end SIL did take her, after work, so it clearly wasnt as much of an emergency as she implied.

I am glad that you are thinking the best of the MIL in this because it means that you have not experienced someone this manipulative in your life. Those of us who have however are a lot more aware of how these things play out.

She will magnanimously decide to "forgive" the OP when her son decides that no one is visiting on Boxing day and then have a health emergency upon being told that they are now busy that day. Ask me how I know.......

It really wouldn't. No reasonable person could expect DH to leave the hospital appointment for his mother's dog. And nobody should have a pet if their only option in an emergency is that their son drop everything and help - next time he might be overseas or in hospital himself. The MIL needs to sort out her own support systems with back ups etc.

Sounds as though she had got in a fret over the dog. Hopefully she will calm down and the dust will settle.

Why is that OP’s job?

You seem very keen for OP to be in the wrong for some reason.

MIL”s dog, MIL’s problem ultimately.

It’s OP’s job because she was talking on the phone to a relative who was distressed at the time.
I’m not keen for OP to be in the wrong, although I do admit I think it’s rather unpleasant to drum up sympathy for oneself by posting one’s grievances about a person who can’t speak up for herself. I also found it unpleasant reading the tide of nasty comments about MIL.
I’m trying to introduce a little balance and point out the obvious fact that this is a one-sided account and may be leaving out important aspects of the situation.
It’s odd that this draws down so many irrational insults. It doesn’t say a lot for the pov of the posters.

There is a lot of projection on this thread.

Your MIL quite obviously is in the wrong here and quite unpleasant about it afterwards but given she was undoubtedly stressed about her dog I guess some understanding might be given here. Her lack of concern for the GC is a bit of a red flag.

I suspect her unpleasantness was because she felt she was not the priority here so maybe your DH does need a discussion when things have calmed down about back up plans if he or his DSis are not available and that DC do need to take priority over her pets.

The comments about cancelling hospital appointments and abandoning children at school to prioritise MIL and her dog are quite clearly out of order. Hospital appointments are not easy to come by and it is very entitled to expect school staff to hang around to watch DC if another pet emergency occurs. They also have lives and DC and responsibilities.

My advice going forward is that you let MIL calm down and make the first move and if she apologises take it in good faith. DH should have a discussion with her about contingency plans if he is not available. I do not believe that no taxis will take pets as surely lots of people do not drive. Maybe MIL should cultivate some friends or neighbours who might help her out. The fact she does not seem to have anyone other than family suggests she may be a difficult person to get on with. Finally is it possible for OP to learn to drive as surely this might have helped the situation and there may be other occasions in the future where this might be helpful, not involving dog or MIL.

it is very entitled to expect school staff to hang around to watch DC if another pet emergency occurs. They also have lives and DC and responsibilities.

And pets! Lots of people have dogs, so what if the teachers dog was also taken ill at the same time as the MIL's? Could quite easily happen. Who does she prioritise then? Her own children, her own dog or the OP's child? Its just beyond stupid that anyone would suggest "the school" look after the child in the OP's situation!

Enjoy your Boxing Day not having to see her 🙌🏻🙌🏻

Narcissists can be very nice when you're doing things their way, however when you don't they can become very nasty.

Mil is being ridiculous and she must know it even if she won’t admit it. Just wait for her to simmer down as usual.

What a raging bitch she is! Thank fuck you don't need to see her on Boxing Day. Enjoy your day in peace now. I wouldn't bother with her again after the way she's behaved.

Shit, best get rid of being on mn if you don’t like only having one persons side of the situation on a thread!
I do admit I think it’s rather unpleasant to drum up sympathy for oneself by posting one’s grievances about a person who can’t speak up for herself.

@Calliopespa If you were killed en route to collect your dc, they would find a way round it. You don't think a pet emergency is sufficient to make staff stay on a bit, but I do

I think you've jumped the shark here! As if MIL needing to take her dog to the vet is in any way comparable with a child's mother being killed on the way to pick them up which would be a full-blown emergency and tragedy involving the emergency services.

You think that it's OK for MIL to refuse to ask her daughter to help because she is at work but it's OK to expect school staff to stay late to look after someone's child because of OP's MIL's dog emergency? It wasn't even a life or death emergency as MIL's daughter took her mum to the vet after she finished work and the delay didn't affect the prognosis.

Exactly. It’s just sanctimonious nonsense.

I would not want anyone to cancel their hospital appointment for me, given the difficulty in getting appointments these days. I certainly wouldn’t want a child to have that appointment cancelled, not least my grandchild. What kind of mean grandmother would demand that??

MIL has an unreasonable tantrum and it's OP's fault!

Your responses are often sour and you seem to enjoy kicking an OP when they are down. You are also one of those annoying posters who say 'I'd love to hear the other side of the story' when we never hear the other side of the story, as that isn't how Mumsnet works.

There are many unreasonable OPs on Mumsnet, some of whom accept that they are wrong and many who double down. However, it is clear to most of us that OP isn't one of these posters. She was obviously quite close to her MIL, despite other incidents, but this one quite rightly shocked her as her MIL was so unreasonable and out of order.

OP's MIL is behaving like a spoilt brat telling her that her husband is invited on Boxing Day but she isn't. She sounds like a six year old and she will be the loser in all this as OP's DH is, quite rightly, taking her sidel

I've really tried to find a scenario in which MIL is reasonable given that OP doesn't drive, has offered to pay for emergency callout/taxi etc and I'm coming up empty. The notion that DH should have abandoned the hospital appointment is so problematic that quite frankly it's not worthy of consideration.
Going forward, I'm not even sure i could forgive MIL for her subsequent response. Her reaction to a problem that is a) not of OPs making, b) not actually OPs problem to solve and c) the there were other solutions that MIL wasn't prepared to consider and yet, now thinks it is OK to punish OP by banning her from Boxing day beggars belief. I do think this will be quite the eye-opening revelation to OP.