We can’t help if it’s impossible to !!!

[Greyspiders]

Today we have had a massive argument with MIL. She has uninvited us from visiting on Boxing Day due to what she describes as our selfish and cruel behaviour towards her.

Dh was miles away at a hospital appointment with oldest dc. I was at home and then picking up youngest dc from school. MIL phoned me in a panic saying she couldn’t get hold of her son-I explained hes at the hospital and probably can’t answer / no signal? She wanted immediate help to get to the emergency vet and wanted dh , she said she couldn’t even lift the dog (and also she doesn’t drive) and SIL was at work and she refused to disturb her. I said how sorry I was and could I help by sending her the taxi money ? She said it’s impossible to get a taxi that will take a sick dog and that she can’t carry him anyway so what use was that. She said she will keep trying dh and I need to as well as he needed to come straight back. She then said I should be doing things like appointments it’s ’not a mans job’ !!!

I asked was there not some kind of emergency vet that could visit and again said if cost was an issue we would help. She hung up on me. Dh then started messaging as said she was calling him and he couldn’t answer and had messaged her saying he will
call when out of hospital but she kept calling and did I know if she was ok.

She’s now said that I’m stopping her ever having support from her son ?? Which isn’t true as he does a lot for her . She messaged ‘don’t bother visiting on Boxing Day I’ve had enough of you’ .

AIBU as how can she have a go at us for not helping when we were not able to do what she needed ? If he had been here he would have !!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

She did. And they were reasonable suggestions in her circumstances.

This (derailing) discussion started because I had responded to a poster before I got to op's update that she didn't drive and, having joined the thread at that point, I commented that I wasn't sure why she couldn't have taken the MIL and rung the school - which is genuinely what I would have done in an emergency.

However, obviously when I realised she couldn't drive, I immediately said I then did understand clearly why she didn't do that.

But someone started going on about how was my comment not prioritising a dog over dc and I gave examples to say that sometimes you do prioritise things to help in an emergency, I still believe that, and if that's sniffy or holier than thou or whatever, then yeah, I guess I must be, because honestly, if it WERE an emergency (we aren't actually sure in this instance) and my car was parked waiting for me to go to school (op's wasn't), I would have rung school and said "I am taking the dog, and will come directly to collect dc. I apologise but it is an emergency."

Well you win that Holier than Thou one then, because I often don't when asked.

You can be the donor and I'll be the dog ambulance.

I could not agree more.
It's perfectly possible that OP was being really difficult and unhelpful, and that this is a pattern. That would explain why MIL snapped under pressure.
The whole thread about MIL being 'manipulative' etcetera is very, very depressing and shows a horrible side to human nature, with so many neasty responses.

I feel a bit sorry for the DH, expected to do all the driving for TWO women who won't. He drew the short straw there.

MIL's behaviour is still batshit though.

I've been in a similar situation with my MIL as my husband was a similar age and living at home when we got married. It's all about jealousy and control. She's angry at you because you didn't force your husband to do what she wanted and she resents him having other people who are priories for his time. Being stressed out about her dog has exacerbated the situation but she's showing her true colours by saying he can come and you can't. It's really unfortunate and feels very unfair but there's not much you can do about it. No end of bending over backwards or trying to be nice has worked in my experience but my husband has been supportive and stamped on most of the unreasonable things. So now I'm tolerated as an "necessary evil" so to speak. It helps to realise that it's not to do with you and it's about her sense of loss and it would be the same for anyone else too. Sadly it contributed to the breakdown of her other son's marriage so keep talking to your husband and try to be on the same page when you are dealing with her unreasonable behaviour.

It's perfectly possible that OP was being really difficult and unhelpful, and that this is a pattern.

MIL wasn't wanting OP to be helpful, what she wanted was her Son to drop whatever he was doing and go to her aid. OP offered solutions and these were dismissed. MIL did have another solution of her own, which was to ring her Daughter, which in a real emergency I am sure she would have, but she didn't want to bother her at work. Instead she chose to repeatedly ring her son who she knew was at hospital with her grandchild and had been told he might not be able to respond immediately, because he was in a hospital. She has decided all of the above is OP's fault alone.

What worries me is, is she actually capable of being a responsible dog owner ? She was wholly focused on only seeking help from one person in an emergency, that she could have caused serious harm to the poor dog, sometimes time really is of the essence !

Yeah, she sounds awful, offering to pay for a vet call out or a taxi. What a dreadful DiL.

How is offering to pay for a taxi / home vet visit being difficult and unhelpful?

This is the way OP has reported it. She may have said a whole lot of other things too which we don't get to hear about, Likewise, we don't know why her DC was at the hospital.
We need to bear in mind that this is a one-sided account and there may well be good reasons that drove MIL to snap.

So the op in not telling her husband to cancel their child’s hospital appointment to come back and take mil and dog to the vet was being “difficult and unhelpful”? What’s your thoughts on the mil refusing to call her dd for help?

As my previous post, this is OP's version and MIL's version might sound very different.
The fact that MIL went off on one suggests that OP wasn't doing a very good job of calming her down.

Yeah maybe OP's child was just at the hospital for the lolz 🙄

Are you sure you're okay? Your hypotheses are ridiculous.

The fact that MIL went off on one suggests that OP wasn't doing a very good job of calming her down.

😂😂😂

Er... In what possible scenario is the reason for the hospital appointment relevant?

There is nothing ridiculous in what I'm saying. I'm simply looking at it from the perspective of MIL and I know this may be a distorted account.
A pp even said perhaps MIL should not have a dog; now that's truly batshit....

What does the reason for the hospital appointment have to do with it?

ahem… I just started a charity @figgyboos …. 😇 if you felt your ‘donation’ was enough… you do you…. Sniff x bajillion…

Every post on here is a "one-sided account". You don't have to side with MiL just because you're in your sixties yourself.

"She said she will keep trying dh and I need to as well as he needed to come straight back. She then said I should be doing things like appointments it’s ’not a mans job’ !!!"

Taking this as the truth (which we must otherwise why are we even here) the MiL is unreasonable.

I dont get people who would rather have nothing at all if they cant have everything they want!

"I cant have a bottle of champagne, so I refuse to drink the wine and will drink a pint of piss instead! HA!! That will teach YOU!"

Its like there is some sort of logical disconnect there. That punishing themselves somehow hurts the other person!

I find these kind of comments completely pointless. On this board of course we only have one side of the story. If you are going to accuse every poster who starts a thread of lying because you don’t know the other side, it makes discussions a bit tedious and pointless, surely.

Seems the mil and her cheerleaders here seem to agree that the child and their parent’s should have cancelled the hospital… priorities please!! I mean you’ve got posters questioning the veracity of the appt such
as @SixtySomething with the we don't know why her DC was at the hospital..., shitz and gigglez obvs….🙄

A pp even said perhaps MIL should not have a dog; now that's truly batshit....

I didn't say she shouldn't have a dog, just that in an emergency only focusing on the one person you know not to be available isn't very responsible, there were other options. Now I am the first person to accept that in a crisis none of us behave as we might hope, but that isn't the issue here, the issue is that once the crisis has passed, you don't blame someone else for your own shortcomings and effectively bar them from family events.

Don't try to one-up the dog ambulance.

I never accused anyone of anything. I never said OP was lying. I said she was giving an account which may be one-sided.
If people stopped to consider there might be another side to these threads complaining about relatives, we might get less ridiculous and nasty replies.