AIBU to be fed up of defending my choice to use formula

[Sequinbow]

I just want a bit of a rant, I’m fed up of having to defend formula feeding my little girl. She is 5 months old and thriving 💓 she absolutely loves her bottle and it’s wonderful to feed her she’s happy and content.

but….

I’ve had a stranger tell me (whilst I was feeding my LO) ‘breast is best’ and i should try harder to breast feed. I’ve also had colleagues and other mums pointing out ‘oh you’re not breastfeeding’ when I get her bottle out and asking why im not breast feeding.

There is a lot of chat in the mums WhatsApp group about how they are beside themselves to make the decision to bring in one bottle per day of formula to top up their supply and how they need to come to terms with it etc I find myself wanting to defend formula feeding my baby. And it’s the implication that my little girl is at a disadvantage because of me, her mum.
I wonder what do they think of me if they’re so caught up with adding just one bottle of formula when I exclusively formula fed.

im really fed up of having to defend my choices and having to provide a reason for formula feeding. I feel looked down on for formula feeding my daughter x

That was explained to me by DD’s Obstetrician, so l stick with believing him over you on this one, thanks all the same! Funny you should mention the 80s as he said that this old myth that formula is substandard rubbish was true of the 70s & 80s but is quite the contrary now!

It’s hard not to beat yourself up when some other mums subtly (unconsciously potentially) put you down. (Let alone strangers doing it very directly and consciously). If you feel it in the Whatsapp group that the whole identity is breastfeeding and nothing else suffices - you can raise it (for example, something like “I’m feeling very down that I’m not breastfeeding and the whole identity of the group is breastfeeding. Is there any space in this group for formula feeding?” and see if they try to lift you up a little bit or if they try to gaslight you and put you down. Or you can simply leave the group. Be with people who lift you up, at least a little bit.

We put others down when we’re insecure, so we try to make sure “the other” is insecure, not us. This is what projection is all about. We feel insecure and we project this feeling onto the other and try to induce them to feel insecure, give them your feeling. This can be done very subtly. We actually all do it sometimes, it’s not like we’re all saints. So even if you choose not to raise this issue, perhaps it might be helpful to think about these mums (and the strangers) as very bitter and insecure people really. But they do get to us sometimes.

This, NEVER had a comment when feeding dc from a bottle of expressed milk, bf so many comments!

It’s just become a thread for being awful about breastfeeding and how actually formula is best, what a surprise

Don't be ridiculous! Do you work for Nestlé? I've reported your post for misinformation.

This is the worst kind of sly, underhand comment.

Better fed than dead

Its not really, it's full of comments implying women are making sub-par decisions by feeding their children something other than breastmilk.

There is a lot of chat in the mums WhatsApp group about how they are beside themselves to make the decision to bring in one bottle per day of formula to top up their supply and how they need to come to terms with it etc I find myself wanting to defend formula feeding my baby. And it’s the implication that my little girl is at a disadvantage because of me, her mum.

projection is just taking someone talking about their own journey and taking it as a personal judgement of your journey, that's all it means, it does sound like you are taking their words in the group as judgement, when they aren't judging you in the slightest, they are there to support each other no matter what the issue is they are having.

I was one of those women who struggled to breastfeed and I ended up exclusively pumping for a while, I was also beside myself when my supply started to drop and I needed to introduce formula, not because I had any negative feelings towards formula, I didn't, I just wanted to carry on breastfeeding as long as I could and I knew it was the beginning of the end.. in hindsight I don't know why I was so upset, I stopped pumping after 6 months and exclusively formula fed and didn't look back, but at the time, in the throes of it I remember feeling guilty that my body wasn't producing enough for my child..

It had absolutely NOTHING to do with formula feeding being in any way bad, and everything to do with how I imagined motherhood to be I suppose, so my disappointment in myself is not a judgement of anyone else and shouldn't be taken as such.

Breastfeeding is a really emotive subject though and there are DEFINITELY people out there who judge people who don't or can't, but I think the group you are on is a bad example of that to be fair, they really aren't implying anything when sharing their own troubles with their journey.

I'm really sorry people have been rude to you re formula. It's none of their business and those kind of comments aren't helpful. I breastfed both of mine and I received comments ALL THE TIME like... "Oh, that's such a shame you're breastfeeding as then their dad can't give them a bottle and bond with them" (I couldn't be bothered to express), or "you really should give them formula. Maybe you're not making enough milk? They look very small" etc etc! Unfortunately people seem to think it's ok to openly judge new mums, so I'd try not to care if you can!

Where are you meeting these people ? Ive two children both formula fed and nobody every mentioned it to me . Someone might ask if I was breastfeeding but when I replied no there was never any more to the conversation. Stop taking so much notice of people.

Cant get away from from the scientific evidence that breast milk is the most nutritious and best food for babies! But absolutely rude for someone to comment on how you feed your baby - if this happens again I would bluntly say and how and what I feed my baby is absolutely none of your business and walk away!

I think the what’s ap group is completely fine, mothers who breastfeed have made a huge sacrifice and if that offends you, I would just mute the group!

It doesn't matter which is better, it matters that people mind their own fucking business.

This is where having twins came in handy. I combo fed and people were just aghast I was keeping them alive, let alone commenting on what milk they were getting. I could have been feeding them blended burgers and people still wouldn’t have commented.

IME MN generally denies that FFers are given a hard time and instead say BFing is frowned upon.

Yet, I dont know a single mother, FF or BF, that hasnt either felt huge pressure to BF, or had their FF choice sneered at by midwives etc.

Ive never known pressure like it to BF when I had my DC. I managed to BF one DC and I was treated like royalty when I took him for checkups, the difference in treatment between him and my FF DS, snd towards my friend who had her DC the same time and FF was obvious. I used to get offered tea, biscuits, a sit down for 5 mins if DC needed a feed (he never made a squeak at any appointments so why they always assumed he needed a feed i have no idea, the one time he did fuss a little i just topped him up, took 10 seconds but they made a real drama out of it) . My friend asked if she could quickly sort a bottle out with pre mix formula and was rudely told no they were too busy she could do it in the baby change/toilet.

So many other examples of where ive experienced/seen FFers are treated like crap but yea, on here thats generally completely denied.

Ignore them op. They are arseholes obsessed with other people's tits and perfectly fine choices.

You don't need to justify your choices. Breastfeeding isn't for everyone. It's physically tiring and mentally demanding in the early days. I personally think it's only really possible if you have very good support around you, as with a newborn it's all you do. Not all babies latch well. Some women need to express, which is hard and time consuming. Supply is difficult for many women. It can be painful.

I EBF, and luckily had an easy time (I say easy, but cluster feeding was bloody hard work!). My supply was good and no latch issues. I actually found the opposite. My family would see how hard it looked and see how much it tied me to baby (I never expressed), and would suggest swapping to formula! I'd have been very upset to have to swap to or use formula as I put a lot of time into establishing breastfeeding, but you're not wrong for choosing to formula feed, and your feelings are valid too. I think that as mums we can't win. It's really no one's business. Women should be trusted to make an informed choice about their baby. We all know the pros and cons of both feeding methods.

There will be very little difference in the outcome for breastfed and bottle fed babies as adults. Breastfeeding is only associated with some better outcomes in the UK, because breastfeeding rates are higher amongst the middle class, whose outcomes as adults will be better anyway due to loads of other factors. I'm not sure what circles you hang in, OP, but no one has ever cared in my social groups. Don't feel guilty anyway. Feeding is about the baby, but it's also about you and what you're comfortable with. Your baby is healthy and growing, that's all that matters.

But even the well-behaved sensible, strictly parented ones will have had neon-coloured sweeties and fizzy drinks by the time theyre 12. be eating fast food when theyre 15, and at 18 they'll be drinking alchol...

I wanted to BF, but couldnt. I expressed and fed that, supplemented with formula, before realizing (about 3 months in) thst it was just a way to make myself feel bad. Some people asked and judged. I felt bad. But now, meh, I did what I thought best at the time, which is really what almost all mothers do.

OP, I’m not sure exactly what you want here.

You do not have to defend, or justify, your choice to feed your baby how you want. Anyone commenting that you should have breastfeed etc is a complete arsehole and should be answered in whatever way you feel like.

as for the WhatsApp group, women are absolutely permitted to feel disappointed, upset, however they feel about introducing formula if they wished to exclusively breastfeed. This is a necessary part of extending choice to all women - we can make choices that are best for us, while also holding space for us to feel negative emotions if things don’t pan out the way we hoped. You say no one should beat themselves up for using formula and I agree, but I don’t agree that no one should be allowed to feel negative emotions about it or express these. Otherwise where do the feelings go?

It’s this portion of your OP that is leading people to believe your perception of having to defend yourself is projection on your part:

“it’s the implication that my little girl is at a disadvantage because of me, her mum.
I wonder what do they think of me if they’re so caught up with adding just one bottle of formula when I exclusively formula fed.”

You are inferring that they consider your LO at a disadvantage and wonder what they think of you since they feel negatively about introducing formula. This is the projection of what you think, onto their actions. If other people’s feelings about their own experiences make you feel defensive, that’s a sign there is some projection going on.

for what it’s worth, I agree with others that breastfeeding also leads to unwelcome judging comments and a feeling of needing to justify yourself constantly (are you not thinking of weaning? You’re not still breastfeeding are you? Wow be careful you don’t want them still feeding when they’re 15! You must be doing it for you and not them at this point, they can eat food right? Etc). It is alas our lot as women that nothing we do is ever right.

It’s a personal choice how you feed your baby and no one should criticise you. It’s like most things to do with parenting, there is no “right” way as long as your child is fed, cared for and loved.

Oh god I hate this and hate that you’re going through this. Those mum WhatsApp groups can be absolutely deadly - everyone riles each other up and I find no one is really honest about how shit motherhood can be which can make you feel really isolated.

during ny pregnancy I was astounded by the NHS propaganda for breastfeeding- posters in the waiting room saying all the risks if you don’t. I swear one of them was autism which just terrified a new mum whose baby wouldn’t latch.

NCT was no better - said your body produces enough milk for your baby. Well that’s a lot of bull as I barely produced 5ml after pumping for an afternoon. Was told to just keep pumping - I felt like a cow and utterly dehumanised.

my baby also just liked my boob for comfort but wouldn’t take milk so she was actually losing weight. We went on formula (kendamil) and never looked back. I didn’t like BF - my body didn’t feel like mine (I am no earth mother) and I felt self conscious all the time (which I shouldn’t have).

you will have heard this already but when you look at adults can you rly tell the difference between a bottle fed and breastfed adult?!

baby no 2 due soon and I’ll give BF a go but if it doesn’t work we will be back on the Kendamil with no shame.

it’s so hard being a mum especially in this day and age where every personal success is documented (“look how much milk I produced!”). Do what works for you- Happy mum, happy baby.

xx

Ignore the comments. You can’t win. It’s an awful reality that as a mother, you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. On everything. All sorts of people think they have a right to share their opinions. They are all talking bollocks.

At the moment it’s bottle vs breast feeding. Soon it will be weaning, BLW vs purées. To dummy or not to dummy. To co sleep or CIO. To use reusable nappies or disposable. The list is endless.

The mother guilt trap goes on and on. The only way you can deal with it is to learn to block out the noise and develop a thick skin. And do you hardest not to repeat the cycle later on with other women.

FWIW ds is a strapping 17 year old applying to uni who was formula fed from 3 weeks. But don’t get me started on the latest…Russell Group vs not RG!!

Yeah, i waa gonna comment on that one too. Ugh indeed
Patronizing much 😂

DH granny was born in the 1930s and trained as a health visitor in the 70s when her husband finished 23 years of military service and worked through the 70s, 80s and into the early 90s. Granny would always say a fed baby and a happy mum are best.

Granny was DH DF mum and she advised that DH DM bottle fed. DH was born at 36 weeks and babies born early have a tendency to lift their tongue when sucking meaning they struggle to get enough milk. Bottle feeding gives you more control to make sure the tongue is down before trying to feed your baby.

Try and ignore the comments and continue doing what is best for you and your baby.

Don't forget whether they go to nursery or not (it's either cruel to send them or you will stunt their development if they don't go).

I suspect this WhatsApp group is a first time mums nct type one so the weaning is coming soon. By the second babies no one will even notice/ talk about how they are being fed! Now I have a child at school surprisingly I have no idea whether his friends were breast or bottle fed.

That said I promise you breastfeeding mums do get negative comments, especially if you dare to do it past one which makes you a peverted hippy in some people's eyes! Some of the anti breastfeeding comments on this thread are ridiculous and factually incorrect.

Well, I breastfed my first for 20 months and my second for 22 months and I had to defend myself. It doesn't matter what you do. Someone will have an opinion. But who cares what other people think. I breastfed because it's the easy option, not because I thought it better. Millions of babies are successfully bottlefed. You know that. So stop letting it get to you. Not worth it.