AIBU to be fed up of defending my choice to use formula

[Sequinbow]

I just want a bit of a rant, I’m fed up of having to defend formula feeding my little girl. She is 5 months old and thriving 💓 she absolutely loves her bottle and it’s wonderful to feed her she’s happy and content.

but….

I’ve had a stranger tell me (whilst I was feeding my LO) ‘breast is best’ and i should try harder to breast feed. I’ve also had colleagues and other mums pointing out ‘oh you’re not breastfeeding’ when I get her bottle out and asking why im not breast feeding.

There is a lot of chat in the mums WhatsApp group about how they are beside themselves to make the decision to bring in one bottle per day of formula to top up their supply and how they need to come to terms with it etc I find myself wanting to defend formula feeding my baby. And it’s the implication that my little girl is at a disadvantage because of me, her mum.
I wonder what do they think of me if they’re so caught up with adding just one bottle of formula when I exclusively formula fed.

im really fed up of having to defend my choices and having to provide a reason for formula feeding. I feel looked down on for formula feeding my daughter x

OP, having fully absorbed the ‘breast is best’ mantra when pregnant I then discovered I had a baby who decided he didn’t want to bf. Not one single mw in Liverpool Womens over five days could get him to bf.

Fast forward almost 8 years and I was pregnant with DS2 with a 7 year old walking advert for Cow & Gate, while bf babies I know well had far more illnesses. I wrote ‘the baby will decide’ in response to the feeding question. When the mw snorted in derision and asked what that was supposed to
mean, I told her exactly why I had written it.

I am still furious (25 years later…) that I and other women were sold a lie - that there was no reason why healthy full term babies would not bf. What a load of nonsense. ThankGod for my community mw who told me DS1 was exactly like her second and I should bottle feed him like she had done one of hers.

Both of mine are strappingly healthy young men. DS1 has a first class engineering degree. DS2 has a stack of GCSE 8/9s. I am convinced that what is far more important is what you eat in pregnancy and what you wean the baby on to. What happens in between is far less important.

What is most important of all is a happy, confident, well rested mother. I saw far too many stressed, sleep deprived bf mums, some of whom made it into some kind of religion.

Hold your baby close when feeding, make eye contact, and be confident that you are doing the right thing.

This, really really surprised you’ve had so much negative comments from bf supporters given how low bf rates are!

I exclusively formula fed all three of mine. I gave no shits what anyone else thought.

The only person who commented was a midwife when DD1 was less than a week old. I told her I was formula feeding because I wanted to. I'd tried breastfeeding but for three or four days and it was a disaster. Hungry, screaming DD who lost a third of her birth weight very quickly and I honestly seriously regretted allowing myself to be talked into trying it. I should have stuck to my original guns, and I did with the next two.

If anyone is rude enough to ask why you are not breastfeeding then just say "because I don't want to." Shuts the conversation down nicely.

There's different reasons someone might not want to switch to formula in any case, might be about losing their EBF status, they might not want to spend the money, they might be freaked out by all the dire warnings about bacteria. I think it's always best to focus on your own decisions, other people's decisions are more likely to be about them rather than you or anyone else.

Ultimately it's not even the only factor in making the decision. What and how to feed has many different factors than just what substance your child physically swallows.

I had twins, and various complications post birth which meant I couldn’t breastfeed.

Honestly, I get it, the whole holier than thou narrative is soul destroying when it doesn’t work for you.

My formula fed babies are now 4 and despite being premature babies are beautiful, healthy and are bigger than most children in their age group.

Apart from the cost of formula milk which was a lot for 2! I’m so glad I opted for it rather than killing myself to BF

I was told by my baby’s consultant when she was having issues after she was born, that one huge benefit of modern formula is that it’s consistent nutrition-wise and is always complete and full of omega-3 and other essential elements. Whereas breast milk varies largely due to the mother’s diet & dna makeup and many, many breastfed babies go hungry and then consequently don’t sleep well. So don’t beat yourself up about it. I had to formula feed after a few days of colostrum, due to needing life saving medication and I bloody well told everyone who dared start up with the ‘breast is best’ nonsense (because that’s exactly what it is!) precisely why I was formula feeding! Not because I felt I had to but because I wanted them to feel ashamed of shaming a critically ill mother!

As my DF, a GP and an obstetrician said "The purpose of infant feeding is to feed the infant. It is not for the greater glory of the mother."

Honestly this ancient rhetoric that breast milk is some kind of nectar of the gods, really needs to stop, it’s damaging and almost cult like! 🙄

That's appalling! I hope you felt able to make a complaint.

This. Two of the sickest kids I know were BF. Always sick with something and then allergies and so on.

my 2 FF kids were fine. go figure.

I bottle fed all my children. nobody commented or said it was wrong, nor tried to coerce me into breastfeeding, not even the midwives.
That was in the 80s when people were less inclined to comment on things that were none of their business 😉

No breastmilk contains antibodies. It literally adapts to build your babies immunity.

I hate these threads. You know it is possible to make a choice for your child without having to undermine other people's choices?

Breastfed Mums get shitty comments as well (as seen above) such as "oh you've made it your whole identity" about something which is just a normal biological function.

People shouldn't be asking the OP about her feeding choices. But they are allowed to talk about not wanting to introduce a bottle in a WhatsApp group. I decided to have a c section but I don't get upset when people say they are sad about their c sections. And I accept that on a macro level vaginal birth is better. On a population level breast milk is better but it doesn't mean it's right for everyone. But I will always defend breastfeeding against ignorant comments.

OP, this is a very important post.

I did get the colostrum into both of mine as well, which I’m sure does matter.

I think women need to practise forthright responses to insensitive and downright rude comments and deliver them with confidence.

I learned to deliver some pretty cutting responses to people who warned me how I should not deprive DS1 of a sibling - after your third mc you’re not in the mood to let those go without a firm response.

I think the bf/ff issue is similar - opinionated people should butt out.

If all it took to be a good mum was breastfeeding, then there’d be a hell of a lot more good mums in the world. I understand how sensitive this topic is, but don’t you stop enjoying your time with your baby.

I said it was just an observation. Chill out.

I would have lost my fucking shit if people commented on me using formula.

So a sample size of 4?

So if I said "All the formula fed babies I meet seem quite sickly" (untrue obviously) that would be OK would it? Why is there a double standard where you should not criticise someone for FF but this thread is full of all kinds of mad accusations about breastmilk.

People should just make the choice that is right for them without having to criticise other people's choices.

Not true of mine, in fact the complete opposite is true.

At 5 months id stopped breastfeeding and I’m certainly not one of the militant breast feeders that being said I do admit that I find it a bit odd that a mother would deliberately choose to never even attempt it for no other reason than they just don’t feel like it

You do realise that's the exact argument formula companies used in the 80s in the Global South. With horrendous results?

Formula is absolutely fine for babies but it isn't superior to breastmilk.

Nonsense! It does not ‘adapt’ it’s not magical ffs. It will only pass on the antibodies that the mother herself possesses and strains of infections are constantly changing. That’s why we still get poorly from colds & flus as adults. It’s the viruses and bacteria which adapt not the bloody antibodies… That’s why we need the flu jab every year. Otherwise cold & flu infections would be childhood only illnesses!

Another post putting women against each other excellent. I have had way more comments about breast feeding so you can’t win either way. If you are happy in your choice get on with it and ignore them