AIBU to be fed up of defending my choice to use formula

[Sequinbow]

I just want a bit of a rant, I’m fed up of having to defend formula feeding my little girl. She is 5 months old and thriving 💓 she absolutely loves her bottle and it’s wonderful to feed her she’s happy and content.

but….

I’ve had a stranger tell me (whilst I was feeding my LO) ‘breast is best’ and i should try harder to breast feed. I’ve also had colleagues and other mums pointing out ‘oh you’re not breastfeeding’ when I get her bottle out and asking why im not breast feeding.

There is a lot of chat in the mums WhatsApp group about how they are beside themselves to make the decision to bring in one bottle per day of formula to top up their supply and how they need to come to terms with it etc I find myself wanting to defend formula feeding my baby. And it’s the implication that my little girl is at a disadvantage because of me, her mum.
I wonder what do they think of me if they’re so caught up with adding just one bottle of formula when I exclusively formula fed.

im really fed up of having to defend my choices and having to provide a reason for formula feeding. I feel looked down on for formula feeding my daughter x

DS1 was born extremely prematurely and breastfeeding was impossible. I hardly produced any milk at all and once he was big and strong enough to try on the breast he turned blue and stopped breathing at every attempt. A neonatal nurse of all people told me I was letting my child down by not breastfeeding him and that I’d never have a strong bond with him like she did with her two (full term, healthy) babies.

I FF both my DC from choice
I never ever felt I had to defend my choice though, I would have done happily as I am rather stroppy at times but nobody ever challenged me on it.

this argument always reminds of this image

Well, Dont then, start with you.

Not at all. It’s your choice how you feed your baby. A fed baby is a happy baby. I’d leave the WhatsApp group if it’s making you miserable. I’m not sure why you’re feeling guilty.

Again what do you mean ‘projecting’ ? And why are you being so rude? 😅 are you having a bad day?! I posted and the general consensus is that as mums we can’t win. I isn’t expect someone to be so wound up by me having a little rant.

If you actually read what I said, she's entitled to tell people it's none of their business if they directly judge her to her face.

But discussing breastfeeding and not wanting to give formula is not directly judging her to her face. It's just trying to make the best choice for your baby.

Because I wanted to breastfeed. I enjoyed it. It was convenient and I felt good doing it. I would have been sad if I wasn't able to and that I had missed out on something I wanted to do. That is all. None of those feelings I had equate to a slur on formula feeding or any suggestion OP or anyone else shouldn't be doing it.

You don’t get it because you haven’t exclusively breastfed. If you breastfeed and that is your choice you don’t want to bottle feed.

Irrespective of your choice a lot of women don’t want to bottle feed, see it as not being as good for baby and feel guilty about it. They aren’t wrong for feeling like that. Just like you don’t feel wrong for bottle feeding - each to their own so please don’t make them see wrong for feeling like this like you shouldn’t be made to feel wrong for bottle feeding .

Tell them to mind their own business.

And please, I am advising you kindly, get off here. It's not going to help and people will only exploit your current vulnerability to make themselves feel superior.

They will invalidate you by willfully misunderstanding your points. It will be bad for your mental health.

You are everything to your child. Please see this current rough patch for what it is, a mum who is trying her best and feels like she isn't enough. You are, keep going xx

What nonsense from that nurse!
I had midwives trying to guilt trip me because I had an emergency C-section.
Just ridiculous when babies are healthy and happy.

Just smile and say she loves the white rum you mix the formula with!
I could never abide the pregnancy/baby thing where everyone felt they had a right to divulge their view points on complete strangers. It’s never acceptable in any other area of life and pregnant women and mothers with young children should be no exception

Ok so I think my comments about the WhatsApp group have been misunderstood and I may have written it incorrectly.
I am not upset by the WhatsApp chat about formula feeding at all. No one has been rude about it and the mums are all lovely.
I was trying to make the point that women shouldn’t beat themselves up for formula feeding. Some of the mums are really struggling to come to terms with not having enough breast milk and they’re putting so much pressure on themsleves

A fed baby is a happy baby. Regardless of FF or BF, they usually end up eating good off the floor 😂

I want more for my kids than "not dead."

These threads are always so interesting to me . I breastfed and never felt any urge to comment on how any other mother fed their baby. I did find quite a few people very keen to tell me that a bottle of formula would make my baby sleep like a dream.

Just shows that people will make comments on your parenting, whatever the circumstances.

As an aside, I would have been gutted to formula feed as after IVF I was desperate to breastfeed and feel like my body could actually do something, but that's just me and not on anyone else's choices.

How do you know what I did and didn’t do prior to exclusively formula feeding? I really don’t know why you’re jumping down my throat. I honestly don’t know how you’ve missed my point so badly.
You seem really really upset by my comments and I don’t know why.

Too late now but only times I’ve held my tongue was when bottle feeding (by choice) mums moan about the cost of formula and complain that it should be provided free by the state. It’s expensive to bottle feed, if that’s your choice five but don’t moan about the cost to me (or others)

Speaking about parenting in general, I think you're on a slippery slope if you don't let people express how they're feeling without making it all about you and your decisions.

If someone is struggling with introducing a bottle, they're not thinking about you! They're thinking about what they want and what they feel about that.

Too many people look for judgement when what's really happening is a mum judging herself.

What other mums fed their babies was the last thing on my mind.

Thank you I love this advice 🤣

Breastmilk is better for babies, we know that. I wasn’t able to feed much, so much of what my baby had from 9 days old was formula but I never had anyone query either type of feeding I did. No one should be commenting on it, but try and be more confident about the choice you made, then it shouldn’t matter if other mums are discussing breastfeeding. Generally babies do really well no matter what amount of breast milk or formula they have!

I think you get comments and judgment however you feed your baby to be honest.

With my first I breastfed exclusively for 2 weeks and hit absolute breaking point with the exhaustion of cluster feeding and solo feeding the baby every 2 hours night and day. I was distraught at the idea of introducing a bottle of formula a day because all the messaging I’d received when pregnant had been ‘breastfeeding is better for your baby’ ‘if you introduce a bottle it’ll destroy your breastfeeding journey/ supply’ etc. I remember bawling my eyes out to my husband saying breastfeeding reduces the risk of leukaemia and if I stop and she gets it, it’ll be my fault.

I now realise that that all sounds totally unhinged but I was in the vulnerable weeks post partum, sleep deprived, and desperate to do the best for my baby - and all the NHS messaging was ‘you must breastfeed’.

I think in that context it’s understandable why some women end up agonising about introducing formula if they have been able to breastfeed.

editing to add I went on to breastfeed for almost a year, but only because I DID introduce the formula once a day at 2 weeks.

I mistakenly came on here for a little rant and I’m taken aback by some of the really odd responses like I’m this and that and I don’t understand breastfeeding and I’m projecting (whatever that means).
It’s clearly an emotive topic and I shouldn’t have posted anything.

???

I think you’re the one having a bad day if you can’t just get over that how other people feed their baby is no reflection on you. I’m bored waiting for swimming to finish, you’re making whole mumsnet threads 😂

I said projection (as did other posters) because you’re saying the other women shouldn’t “beat themselves up” because formula is fine and your daughter is 100% formula-fed, which does have implications on your own feeding choices, as they’re seeing it as a negative. You are seeing them as beating themselves up and making a judgement on you whilst doing so.

Unfortunately, having to introduce formula when you wanted to exclusively breastfeed is a source of sadness and annoyance for a lot of women.

And this is nothing to do with you. Hence: projection. You’re making their sadness into a values-based judgement on you. It isn’t.

Plenty of other 100% formula feeders have experienced similar feelings, and “don’t beat yourself up” is just dismissive of the real feelings some women have around this.

Agree with some PP

No one should be telling you how to feed your baby

You'd likely get shitty comments from someone at some point, no matter how you chose to feed your baby (if you breastfeed people telling you to put your tits away, suggesting your baby is hungry or would sleep better with formula, or you're selfish for not letting grandparents or dad share the bonding experience of bottle feeding etc etc)

I can also see what PP mean that it does come across like you're projecting your own insecurities through your interpretation of the group WhatsApp chat. Mums are saying they feel bad for introducing a bottle. This is likely because they've put so much pressure on themselves to exclusively breastfeed and don't have enough support to do so etc, and they feel bad they haven't achieved the goals they've set themselves...however you're interpreting this as 'they're implying your daughter is at a disadvantage because of how you're feeding her'.. this is what you're inferring, not what it sounds like they're trying to imply. It sounds like they are using a safe space to talk through their own feelings and insecurities but you're interpreting it as a criticism of you.