AIBU to be fed up of defending my choice to use formula

[Sequinbow]

I just want a bit of a rant, I’m fed up of having to defend formula feeding my little girl. She is 5 months old and thriving 💓 she absolutely loves her bottle and it’s wonderful to feed her she’s happy and content.

but….

I’ve had a stranger tell me (whilst I was feeding my LO) ‘breast is best’ and i should try harder to breast feed. I’ve also had colleagues and other mums pointing out ‘oh you’re not breastfeeding’ when I get her bottle out and asking why im not breast feeding.

There is a lot of chat in the mums WhatsApp group about how they are beside themselves to make the decision to bring in one bottle per day of formula to top up their supply and how they need to come to terms with it etc I find myself wanting to defend formula feeding my baby. And it’s the implication that my little girl is at a disadvantage because of me, her mum.
I wonder what do they think of me if they’re so caught up with adding just one bottle of formula when I exclusively formula fed.

im really fed up of having to defend my choices and having to provide a reason for formula feeding. I feel looked down on for formula feeding my daughter x

Honestly don't give it a second thought. Three kids in, none of them have speaking parts in their respective Nativity performances, despite all of them being breastfed 😉In the long run, on an individual scale, it makes not the slightest fuck of difference.

How bizarre!

i just thought of another one. A woman at a bus stop once forthrightly announced that my DC1 had ADHD. This was after an observation of DC1’s behaviour for about 60 seconds. DC1 does not have ADHD. Ironically, DC2 and I do but this particular ADHD expert didn’t spot it!

But you don’t need to beat yourself up. You get negative comments either way but at 5 months surely that ship has sailed for you so not sure why you’re giving it headspace.

I had this the other day in the middle of baby sensory. I loudly replied that 1. It’s not my baby, and 2. The reason the baby is with me and not the mother, and is bottle fed, is because the mother has cancer and is at hospital getting chemo.

She then had a go at me for embarrassing her in front of the class

Oh OP, there is just no winning in these discussions I don't think. How we mother our children is so deeply personal to our identities and sense of self worth that any deviation or disagreement can feel like a judgement. And also lots of people are judgy about these things too (even when they pretend not to be). You know you have done the right thing for yourself and your baby, try and stay connected to that conviction. The conversations on WhatsApp are, at heart, women speaking out loud their fears and seeking validation for themselves. and it's unlikely that they are really thinking about what anyone else is doing except in terms of how it makes them feel.

Ah well tough shit to her.

Sorry, that made me laugh! I breastfed mine too and my youngest didn’t get a speaking part either!

Did you have to get that dig in?
It's impossible to tell who has been breastfed and who hasn't whether that's healthwise, intelligencewise or any other way.

Sorry, that made me laugh! I breastfed mine too and my youngest didn’t get a speaking part either!

Which is exactly what I said

I breast fed both to about 6 months, l was jealous of my friend who’s child was sleeping better than mine, her baby was formula fed, l added s nighttime bottle worked wonders. As much as l enjoyed the closeness of breastfeeding, l was so tired and touched out. The best defence l ever heard was from a health visitor who attended with her child, the debate was going on l wasn’t involved, just listening and she said “lt doesn’t matter what milk is best for the child it’s what is best for mum that matters, a happy healthy mum is what’s best for the child, a stressed mum isn’t” . I can tell you l have thought a lot about this saying ever since and my children are 10 and 13 and l apply it to anything that stresses me out. Best bit of parenting advice in my life l have ever heard.

And how do you know it's a choice? I'm on medication (antidepressants) and was told not to bf because of that. For me it was a given to have breastfed if I could have because it's so practical- no sterilising bottles, heating wayer, buying formula etc. The positive thing was that dh could give the bottle as well so the feeding didn't get monopolised by the mum.

It’s a subject where you often can’t win. You formula feed and get the breast is best comments. On the flip side, I’m currently breastfeeding and get many comments of ‘when are you weaning him into formula’, ‘why aren’t you bottle feeding’ etc. If baby is happy and you are happy with your feeding choice, everyone else’s opinion is irrelevant really!

@KittyFinlay

good for you

This happened to us. I lived my life strapped a breast pump and didn’t sleep for the first eleven months (wanted to make it a year but he was pulling off pump and laughing.) The time pumping and crying if I didn’t get enough did more damage than formula and yet I was told not to use it by so many professionals.

i also got judged for feeding expressed milk in public.

glad you could feed two others, I thought there must be something appallingly wrong with me

I missed out on so much bonding with DC1 because I was struggling to BF. It cast a massive shadow over the early weeks. I really regretted believing all the hype on BF whilst the baby got more and more hungry and was almost hospitalised. No way was I doing that with DC2 and she was bottle fed. I made the most of that baby time and it was such a happy time. Enjoy your baby OP, they will be fine, and don't take any shit from anyone. You've no reason to feel bad, let the other mums get on with it.

I breastfed all mine but don't judge women who don't. None of my business

People are always going to find something to criticise and you just have to trust that you're making the best decisions for your child that you can. My baby couldn't latch and I had an emergency C-section with some complications so we ended up formula feeding, it made things easier for both of us. Despite not being able to latch she is thriving and meeting lots of milestones early, that probably has way more to do with genetics than anything else.

See this is what I mean about breastfeeding mother's getting shitty comments! Woe betide you if you dare to extended breastfeed. You are clearly selfish and sexually perverted. (Natural term breastfeeding is between 2 and 7 btw. I stopped about 16 months with no guilt but I might try longer with my current baby)

I saw one comment on a thread that breastfeeding mother's were lazy and just wanted to sit around all day and be brought cups of tea! And all the stuff that "Dad can't bond" and "breastfed babies don't sleep".

I don't think I'm an exceptional mother. I think breastfeeding is convenient (for me), free and good for me and my baby. Other friends of mine had a difficult time and thankfully were able to switch to formula which was best for them and their babies.

People are saying you’re projecting because the way you feel about other mums introducing formula and struggling with it is a reflection of how you feel about your own need to use formula. It’s not a criticism of you. Everyone projects their own experiences and feelings on threads on MN, especially when it comes to baby feeding because like you said, it’s an emotive topic. I agree with you that it shouldn’t be quite so emotive because there’s just no need for it. There is no discernible difference in breast fed and bottle fed babies, children or adults, but it’s one of those things that matters a lot to mothers of young children, understandably.

What a weird and disgusting comment.

Because she wanted to experience breastfeeding. It’s like women who want a vaginal birth. It’s a preference, a right of passage or something they want ro do.

I found this with my first! Lots of comments about formula feeding and I never felt comfortable feeding him his bottle at the baby group I went to where 99% of the mums were breastfeeding (which looking back was ridiculous of me)!

I did actually make 2 great friends and we all went on to have more babies- in our little group no one cared who breast feeds and who formulas feed….we have plenty of other stuff to do with the kids to moan about 🤣

Its funny as lots of comments about not breast feeding my first and lots of comments about why am I still breastfeeding my second and when will you stop?! People love to judge on everything! You can’t win!!

I formula fed both of mine from the start and I don’t think I had a single negative comment. Sorry, you have had comments and wanted to BF on top. I’ve never understood the desire or anguish some of my mum friends go through to breastfeed (or give birth naturally) but I am always sympathetic because I can see how much it means for to them.

I personally have no idea why so many mum’s focus on breastfeeding as this superior, nutritious start to their child’s life and seem to lose all sense when it comes to their child’s nutrition beyond breastfeeding. Half my friends who were militant breast feeders have 4 year olds now living on coco pops and chicken dippers. Makes no sense.