AIBU to be fed up of defending my choice to use formula

[Sequinbow]

I just want a bit of a rant, I’m fed up of having to defend formula feeding my little girl. She is 5 months old and thriving 💓 she absolutely loves her bottle and it’s wonderful to feed her she’s happy and content.

but….

I’ve had a stranger tell me (whilst I was feeding my LO) ‘breast is best’ and i should try harder to breast feed. I’ve also had colleagues and other mums pointing out ‘oh you’re not breastfeeding’ when I get her bottle out and asking why im not breast feeding.

There is a lot of chat in the mums WhatsApp group about how they are beside themselves to make the decision to bring in one bottle per day of formula to top up their supply and how they need to come to terms with it etc I find myself wanting to defend formula feeding my baby. And it’s the implication that my little girl is at a disadvantage because of me, her mum.
I wonder what do they think of me if they’re so caught up with adding just one bottle of formula when I exclusively formula fed.

im really fed up of having to defend my choices and having to provide a reason for formula feeding. I feel looked down on for formula feeding my daughter x

It!'s amazing how often strangers feel it's ok to pass judgement on how parents are bringing up their DCs. I used to pass a woman with a dog every morning on the school run. One day she stopped me to inform me that I was a bad mother because had taught my children to dislike dogs..... errrr nope but they hadn't spent much time around dogs and most of those few experiences had been negative, so understandably they were wary of dogs.

But there isn't really a backlash. I don't think I'd categorise and responses as ranting but if they are strident it's only in support of you and agreeing nobody should be criticising your choices.

Those, like me, saying you're projecting are just pointing out you aren't being criticised in that scenario and agree you shouldn't be so not to worry about it.

Nobody has argued against you that I've seen or been brutal or any other way you've taken it.

I'm not seeing a backlash either.

Sorry you're upset op, hope you're ok.

I formula fed from birth with all of mine and it was absolutely the best decision for my family. Stop defending yourself, there's no need. It's no one else's business how a baby is fed as long as it is fed.

I’m entitled to my opinion. For the last time I know the lovely mums in my WhatsApp group are not judging me. They are the loveliest most supportive bunch of girls. Some of them are struggling and putting pressure on themselves when they shouldn’t because they’re fab mums
I don’t think I can explain what I meant and it’s become convoluted.

i don’t know how to delete this stupid thread 😂

Quite frankly how dare they comment. You baby, your choice. They can go do one! Don't give them a second thought.

Your baby, your choice and that’s what I’d tell them. A lot of mothers who breastfeed become very sanctimonious towards those who bottle feed. Both my sons were bottle fed from 4 weeks and are both strapping lads. It also meant that their dad could do some of the feeds too.

In my experience, the only ones who have negative shit like this to say are the ones who are secretly, deep down, not that secure in their own parenting choices/skills. My exMIL was I think, the only person who had anything negative to say about me formula feeding. And she had the motherly instincts of a dustbin so frankly, fuck her. And fuck the rude ignorant bitch who forced her unwanted opinions on you while you were minding your own business and having that time with your baby. Neither of their opinions are worth being upset by.

I’ve had to really work on feeling judged for FF because I know sometimes, it’s my issue rather than actually being judged. I really wanted to BF and did for the first week or so but my mental health was not great and it was all based around feeding. So, I moved to formula and I was heartbroken. I’d been through baby loss, fertility investigations, induction and an emergency section and all I wanted to do was give my baby milk that I had made, to feed like I’d got something ‘right’. I sobbed for the first few bottle feeds and then paid a small fortune for a lactation consultant to help me restart but it didn’t go to plan. 4 months on, I still have moments of regret that I stopped BF. I see/hear comments about FF and I have to really pause and think about whether I’m being judged or whether I just feel judged cause I never wanted to FF and I’m actually judging myself.

I did have a comment about how it would mean I didn’t have a good bond with my baby - that pissed me off.

The thing is though, I know I’m guilty of judging BF mums who tell stories of their 6 year old children saying they remember mummy’s milk tasting like rainbows. But then again, I’d judge FF mums who said something like that too.

So agree.
I breastfed my children but also never cared less what anyone else was doing.
Absolutely no interest whatsoever.

There is a type of pain in hole woman who feels the need to comment about an unasked for opinion on something that has NOTHING to do with her.

I find it deeply offensive to listen to, and happily shut it down ruthlessly when my children were young.

I refuse to listen to bores pontificating about their superiority in breastfeeding.

Do it for sure, just STFU about it, and keep it to yourself.
Know your audience.
Not use it as a boring stick to try and beat other women with.

Oh and I was delighted to finish breastfeeding each time I did, no more leaking which drove me mad.
Great to have my body back after being an 18 month growin/ birthing/ feeding machine.

Most of the women I know w ere happy to finish up and not be so tied to it.

Sure it should 🙄

Didn’t even know this was a thing. I formula fed 4 children and nobody said a word.

This is it, you can’t win. Just have to own your decision and move on with it!! This is coming from someone whose exclusively FF with one child, exclusively BF one child and combi fed one child. People will always have an opinion.

I feel for you @Sequinbow. My baby is now formula fed after trying so so hard to breastfeed and just facing hurdle after hurdle and it not happening. It felt devastating but it was the right choice to ensure a healthy baby.
I understand what you’re saying about the WhatsApp group. And I think it comes down to the “breast is best” brigade we’ve all been subjected to since long before having our own babies. We came to terms with formula feeding due to whatever reasons we had to. Those breastfeeding mums haven’t had that so they still have the horrible voice at the back of their mind saying formula is a failure.
They won’t be judging you as they know you are formula feeding for whatever reason you decided. And they will come to terms with it themselves when they realise it’s in the best interest of their baby to top up.
Im sure you’re doing an excellent job with your baby. Try to focus on that and ignore the people you will never be able to please anyway (like the horrible lady in the street!)

Why should it be reserved for those who physically can't breastfeed?

@Sequinbow my love, in 2 years time none of this will matter. You have your little baby’s whole life ahead of you.

so… I’ll give you 4 words to use in these situations where people who are NOT your child’s parent have the cheek to venture an unsolicited opinion

OH DO FUCK OFF!

just once, and turn your back and ignore

OP if it makes you feel better you get all the same stuff if you’re breast feeding too believe it or not. Either the disapproving looks no matter how discreet you are, or if your baby cries, how many times I heard “just give him a bottle will you” honestly, people are just muppets, but if you can, try not to let it get you down because it’s not about you bottle feeding or breast feeding .. it’s about people just wanting to be assholes in the main. X

I pushed myself right to the edge trying to establish BF with DC2 after failing with DC1 who was hospitalised with jaundice. I was utterly broken, in pain and solely fixated on my failure. I’ll never get those weeks with her back, I wasn’t bonding I was spiralling because of the sorts of comments some posters have made on here about the superiority of BF.

Ultimately they were both FF and now are at school and thriving. How they were fed in their first year seems fairly irrelevant now, I wish I’d started FF sooner as I’m sure I only persisted so long with trying to BF due to societal pressure. My body clearly just cannot do it, assume my ancestors were raised by wet nurses…

And I’ll give you the words I offered to @Sequinbow

OH DO FUCK OFF!

none of this is any of your business, your opinion is your own and needed to stay that way.

I do think i get what you are saying op

You don't want there to be any promotion of breastfeeding over formula, any of the celebration etc of persevering witb bf and commiseration if having to stop, that basically makes those people who can't bf (or who choose not to for any reason) feel bad about it.

Unfortunately this isn't really going to happen because on a societal level, for health reasons etc, we need to promote & celebrate bf over formula, because while child by child the difference is neglible, within the population, bf is healthier.

I understand that its frustrating to feel your choices are being viewed negatively but try not to take it personally.

It gets easier when your kids are a bit older and you are basically over the mum guilt. The equivalent when they are older is knowing quite well the kids diet is not the "ideal" perfect home cooked spread with all the veg and nothing processed.... but being absolutely fine with the imperfect because it works for you & your family & actually you are all doing great on it.

And it is fine. Just chill op.
The fact that you are stressing over feeling judged is likely because you care about being a good parent, so from that we can probably all guess you are doing a great job.

Just a thought re people who comment "oh you're not breastfeeding": given that breastfeeding is often hard and a "journey", are they commenting because they're interested and want to bond/share over your choice? Not necessarily judging, but just interested.

Not denying that some people are rudely judgemental about using formula, of course.

Of all the sanctimonious mums, the sanctimonious breast feeding mum is the worst. Close second is the 11+ mum. Third is the “enrichment opportunities” mum. The vast majority of parents indulge in these things (or not) without a shadow of sanctimony, but some lose their minds to it. They’re so boring.

Breastfeeding your child during 11+ tuition is peak mum-wankery 😅

I had a bit of the same but it didn’t last long.

a stranger approached in Costa when I was in the 4 week sleep regression, seriously tired and in a really bad mood and had the nerve to say “You chose to formula feed knowing it’s not as good as breast feeding and that your child is more likely to get illnesses, that was a brave choice” given my state at the time I didn’t have it in me to be polite so I replied with “You chose to walk up to a sleep deprived woman who could be a serial killer for all you know and give your unsolicited opinion and you expected not to get hit. That was a brave choice” she moved away pretty sharpish.

Other than that, I had a few people try to start a conversation or make a comment and I just shut it down by telling them that I didnt want to talk about it.