AIBU to be fed up of defending my choice to use formula

[Sequinbow]

I just want a bit of a rant, I’m fed up of having to defend formula feeding my little girl. She is 5 months old and thriving 💓 she absolutely loves her bottle and it’s wonderful to feed her she’s happy and content.

but….

I’ve had a stranger tell me (whilst I was feeding my LO) ‘breast is best’ and i should try harder to breast feed. I’ve also had colleagues and other mums pointing out ‘oh you’re not breastfeeding’ when I get her bottle out and asking why im not breast feeding.

There is a lot of chat in the mums WhatsApp group about how they are beside themselves to make the decision to bring in one bottle per day of formula to top up their supply and how they need to come to terms with it etc I find myself wanting to defend formula feeding my baby. And it’s the implication that my little girl is at a disadvantage because of me, her mum.
I wonder what do they think of me if they’re so caught up with adding just one bottle of formula when I exclusively formula fed.

im really fed up of having to defend my choices and having to provide a reason for formula feeding. I feel looked down on for formula feeding my daughter x

Thank you x

Are you okay? Seriously. I didn’t do any of the things you have stated and you have massively overreacted. Again, are you okay?

Wow OP - you’re super defensive. Unless someone has directly criticised your choice to you no one really gives a shit what you feed your baby. The past you criticise that was absolutely right. Most people do know that formula is not as good as breastmilk but also most people know that not everyone can breastfeed for whatever reason. You can get yourself agitated and work top about what the world around you thinks or you can just go about your day today and be happy in the knowledge that your baby is thriving and well and that’s all you need

To be honest-I have never seen anything like this. I did have a lot of “Oh, one bottle won’t hurt!” “Wouldn’t it be better if her dad could feed her?”

So I suspect it’s a case of “a mother’s place is in the wrong”!
Just ignore them.

And?

I bf my three and all of them had glue ear which is one of the reasons why ‘breast is best’ supposedly. Bf meant I couldn’t mix milk thickeners into dc1 milk when he had severe reflux - I needed up wearing most of my own milk and it was impossible to get them to have dummies or give a bottle on the occasional night out because they refused a both. I also
couldnt leave baby with Dad to catch up on sleep etc.

Everyone has something to say when it comes to babies - just ignore them op and enjoy your lovely baby.

I formula fed DC1, breast fed DC2 and also had a tube fed baby! DC3 had a NG tube for her first year (6 months expressed milk, 6 months formula) so whilst I am not an authority on feeding I have experienced the whole spectrum.

Other than wishing my baby didn't need to be tube fed, I have zero regrets.

Mine are 13, 11 and 8 now. Anecdotally my BF child - who was still breastfeeding until she was 2y and 8m - is my "least healthy". She has asthma and allergies and gets ill more than the other 2.

When it comes to raising kids, everyone has an opinion, and most of them are shit.

"Breast is best" was shoved down my throat when I had DC1, 31 years ago. I FF all 4 DC and all are thriving, healthy and happy adults

My attitude? I was stating a fact. Apologies if you didn't know- your midwife should have told you.

Two people (including me) have said you were projecting and explained what we meant. You said that other women discussing how sad they were to introduce a bottle must mean they were thinking poorly of you for your choice to fully ff. That's the projection; their personal feelings about ff are nothing to do with you but you think it's a dig.

Then you said you had written that bit wrong and actually don't think what they are saying in that chat is anything to do with you which suggests you do understand what we meant about projecting as you've backtracked on what you said.

Now you're saying you still don't understand what was meant by projecting.

That's a lot of u-turns in a few posts.

The prices are too high though.

wow!!’ 😮 Your response is insane! im sorry if my post upset you. It’s clearly an emotive topic.

i wanted to breastfeed but I couldn’t. Believe me I’ve experienced the lows of not being able to breastfeed. it caused me serious post natal depression.

a couple of the girls In the WhatsApp group are beating themselves up and I know this because I’m friends with them. it’s not projecting.

Unfortunately, having to introduce formula when you wanted to exclusively breastfeed is a source of sadness and annoyance for a lot of women.
And this is nothing to do with you. Hence: projection. You’re making their sadness into a values-based judgement on you. It isn’t

well I was that mum

This again and again

Why did you decide to FF?

So it's irrelevant whether formula is a "good enough" alternative. Because any Mum who has decided to breastfeed has already decided that she doesn't want a "good alternative" and will be upset if the choice is taken out of her hands.

I was also upset when I had a C-section because I knew about the risks associated with C-sections in comparison to vaginal births. I didn't go around being upset every time someone mentioned the benefits of a vaginal birth or when another woman said they wanted that for their baby.

Completely agree with this! And, despite all the ‘breast is best’ advice, once babies are weaned, I bet no one can can tell just by looking at them which were breast fed and which bottle fed. (It would be different if one group were vastly healthier or happier or whatever…)

FFS MN at its finest 🤣👍

I came on here for a rant because it’s hard for mums feeding when you feel judged. I’m allowed to feel crap and if I’m making a u turn, contracting myself etc then perhaps I am but it’s unintentional. I didn’t expect the post would take such a nose dive!

i wanted to chat to other mums about the way I’m feeling and instead MN has delivered ….the usual lacking any empathy or sympathy it making absolute sure you’re right and I’m wrong

This just highlights to me that mums can’t win because I’m currently breastfeeding my second baby and have had nothing but comments on how I should really just give him a bottle of formula, how he’ll sleep better if I give formula, how formula is so amazing now there is no difference really…so you get comments either way😂 you have to just do what you think is best for you and your baby, someone will always comment regardless! If you are happy with your decision then just try to let it all be water off a ducks back x

It's a serious debate though isn't it? What's best for baby and mom? I don't think the debate is the problem. It's who's pitching for what reason. And the misinformation. When i realised formulae is pretty much a UPF i felt so annoyed i didn't know before to make an informed decision. Too late now though. I think we just need more information based on evidence not less. Of course even if you pick the "less ideal" solution that's fine because it's you judging how all well you can handle it all.

In other words, i welcome comments but also reserve the right to ignore them having thought about the implications and practicalities. It is societies interest to help mothers and their babies

Well, she is at a disadvantage technically because of you, because breast feeding is more beneficial than formula feeding, so I get why you feel defensive. The thing is, it's just the first of hundreds if not thousands of decisions you'll make on your LO's behalf, some as controversial as this one with the evidence base not in your favour, some not so much. At the end of the day it's up to you and you need to make peace with your decisions and get on with it. Worrying about other mothers decisions is a waste of time, let them get on with it the same way you wish to!! Oh, and whatever you do as a mother, you will be judged by one section of society and told it's not right, not enough etc, this is just the start!

To the stranger-how do you know my child doesn't have a medical condition? You do know that some women can't breastfeed due to cancer? And while you can take anti-viral drugs, there can be reasons HIV positive women don't breastfeed (though many can), and how do you know these things don't apply when you're admonishing a stranger?
As for your WhatsApp group, if the worst thing they ever have to worry about is giving a bottle of formula, they'll be very lucky. But all social media (not debating it, but would include WhatsApp) can feel very pressurised, especially when many mums are at that phase when they might not be back at work doing their normal things.

I think the only person for whom it is emotive is you tbh. A few people have disagreed with you, but no-one has been rude, or got het up...except for you.

FYI: "In psychology, psychoanalysis, and psychotherapy, projection is the mental process in which an individual attributes their own internal thoughts, beliefs, emotions, experiences, and personality traits to another person or group."

So, you are feeling ashamed of BF, and that you are being got at by others for it. Instead of acknowledging that, you read that emotion into what the others are saying...so by them feeling bad about giving formula to their child they must be feeling bad for your child because you formula feed, and be looking down on you by implication.

It is a wasted emotion though. In hindsight a c section spared you the chance of having a shoulder dystocia birth like I did. I have no regrets choosing a section for my second or formula feeding him.

@Sequinbow i didnt breastfeed either time and had no plans to do so! Your body, your choice, nobody else's business! Enjoy your baby girl