AIBU to be fed up of defending my choice to use formula

[Sequinbow]

I just want a bit of a rant, I’m fed up of having to defend formula feeding my little girl. She is 5 months old and thriving 💓 she absolutely loves her bottle and it’s wonderful to feed her she’s happy and content.

but….

I’ve had a stranger tell me (whilst I was feeding my LO) ‘breast is best’ and i should try harder to breast feed. I’ve also had colleagues and other mums pointing out ‘oh you’re not breastfeeding’ when I get her bottle out and asking why im not breast feeding.

There is a lot of chat in the mums WhatsApp group about how they are beside themselves to make the decision to bring in one bottle per day of formula to top up their supply and how they need to come to terms with it etc I find myself wanting to defend formula feeding my baby. And it’s the implication that my little girl is at a disadvantage because of me, her mum.
I wonder what do they think of me if they’re so caught up with adding just one bottle of formula when I exclusively formula fed.

im really fed up of having to defend my choices and having to provide a reason for formula feeding. I feel looked down on for formula feeding my daughter x

just ignore.
In another year’s time your baby will have chowed on some chips and a few select items off the ground.
You're doing great.

Breastmilk IS best for babies but the other thing that is best for babies is to have a happy mother. Formula is a very acceptable alternative these days that enables mothers to feed their baby and take necessary medication or simply just choose to formula feed.

Being breastfed didn’t stop my 5 month old getting severe chickenpox! Breastfeeding your baby doesn’t make you the perfect parent - I knew a mother who proudly breastfed when her “nipples were bleeding”. One of the most emotionally abusive parents I’ve ever known (apart from my own :) )

What I’m trying to say is that formula feeding is your choice and your child will grow up happy and healthy for it. Welcome to t world of parenting where it is constant one upmanship starting with how you feed your child, how much weight they’ve gained, are they sitting, walking, crawling, reading, their fucking SATS scores!

As for strangers commenting on bow you feed your baby, tell them that you had to formula feed so your anti psychotic medication didn’t pass to the baby! Or the midwife told you you would be able to breastfeed due to your crack habit!

At 8 weeks only a third of babies in the UK are exclusively breastfed, and by 6 months it’s about 5%. Yes some people judge, (and they shouldn’t!) but almost all babies have formula so I’m not sure why you think all these women are so critical of it.

If someone wants to breastfeed and can’t, they can feel disappointed about that without it meaning they think any less of women who formula feed. Their preferred option is no longer available to then for whatever reason. It’s ok for them to be sad about that.

Then you have come to the wrong place .. AIBU is a bearpit, if you want support and chat there are other threads on MN for that, you are probably better suited on one of the other parenting threads.

Feeding is emotive, I’m not sure your first post explained this particularly well. Are you being unreasonable to feel judged .. well yea, your feelings are your own, choose not to feel judged.

Don't worry OP all the sanctimony in the world won't be able to point out a BF Vs FF kid in the playground.

Just do you, let the comments roll off like water on a ducks back!

These young years are fraught with many a debate about what mothers do or don't do.

Agonising over giving formula to your baby when you KNOW you're speaking to people who are formula feeding exclusively is just rude. There are countless avenues and forums for breastfeeding support if they want to have that rant.

I would say nobody cares by the time the kids are out of nappies, but it's not true because some people make breastfeeding their whole identity. But you will care less, I promise!

You can guarantee if you BF in public someone will comment, or you would feel like they were going to. Over 3 kids I never had that happen, but I know plenty that did. Similarly, none of my FF friends had comments made to them...I don't think many people care that much. Yes, the latter did feel an inherent societal judgement sometimes because of all of the literature etc around why BF is better...but while BF support is as dire as it is it is no great surprise that rates aren't higher.

Breastfeeding women get this too you know.

I wish people would keep their fucking comments to themselves about how women feed their babies. I was criticised left, right and centre for breastfeeding. Even when DS1 was only a couple of months old, the health visitor tried to encourage me to move to formula. Despite the fact I was happy breastfeeding and DS1 was thriving. Thankfully the health visitor who came round when I had DS2 was very supportive. I had comments from the in-laws, from so-called friends, complete strangers (when I fed in public.) No matter what opinions I have inside my head I would never, in a million years, comment on a woman’s choice to formula feed her baby. What is wrong with people?

All parents get judged no matter what the choice you literally either cannot win or cannot lose depending on your mindset

but get used to it it doesn’t go away and for everyone who judges formula there is someone who judges breastfeeding. For every judgement in CIO there is someone who judges co sleeping, state school private school too many clubs not enough clubs

just follow your own instincts and realise no matter what you choose someone will judge and someone will support as long as it’s the best choice for your family it is the right choice

Rubbish. That's more projection. My NCT WA group was 8 of us. One was ff from birth, one combi from a few weeks, one bf then ff from 3 months, one I don't know and 4 ebf to 6 months. At different times everyone who was choosing to try to breastfeed was having issues or just questions about shared experience. One was conflicted about introducing a bottle and sad for a bit when she stopped bf much earlier than she had originally planned to.

Nobody personally feeling sad about ff themselves is criticising someone who has chosen to. And there's no reason there needs to he a separate chat group about bf when most women in the main group will have been at different steps of that journey at different times.

Oh OK, next time I will just find the "off" switch for my emotions whenever I feel sad, worried or disappointed.

You can say “I’m not breastfeeding for personal reasons I’m not going to get into, so if you wouldn’t mind dropping it..”

Trust me, you’d be judged by some for breastfeeding too. You can’t avoid it, you just have to get confident in your own choices.

This brings back memories of my choice to ff my (now adult) DCs. I had comments from various people who tried to make me feel guilty about not trying to bf at all. I learned to develop the hide of a rhino and make comments back about how well rested I felt, as my husband was doing nightfeeds at weekends. A few months later, I decided it was best not to mention that my baby was sleeping through the night while the bf mums were all still getting up 3 times a night!

Don't let impertinent comments get to you. How rude of them !
Carry on using your formula. It suits you and your daughter.

Well this is it really

Sod them they are idiots

Most babies are formula fed in the UK so obviously you're not doing anything worthy of comment. I wonder why you're unhappy about the whatsapp chat - it's not something you need to concern yourself with; as you're not breastfeeding, it's not relevant for you.

Honestly as mothers... we can never do right there's always someone judging your choices, which is WILD to me, but..let them. I breastfed my 1st until she was almost 2 and im currently breastfeeding my 2nd but i have NEVER given a 2nd thought to how others feed their babies because why would i?? So weird! Iv never looked at another adult and thought they were obviously breastfed/formula fed 🙄 because it DOES NOT MATTER.

sorry i went on a tangent..mother bashing winds me up 😂. Point of my post. You do what is best for you/your child/sanity/life and ignore people who dont know/dont matter. Your little girl is thriving and that is the WHOLE point ❤️

You have to do what works for you. Most mums don’t breastfeed, so it seems the majority support your choice. I exclusively breastfed both of mine and never introduced any formula, because I was in a position to do so; if I’d been ill or had access to different information, I might have made the opposite choice.

I think its important to recognise that they can be disappointed for themselves about introducing formula and it does not mean there's any judgement whatsoever on you for whatever choices you have made.

I felt the same OP, endlessly judged, but I was confident in my decision. I chose to formula feed from the start and always remember a midwife filling in a form when I was about 6 months pregnant asking how I was planning to feed. When I said 'formula' she looked at me for ages and then said 'well you don't have to decide just now'. The judgement was heavily implied 🤣

My daughter also thrived and now at 10 as she continues to thrive I think, what was everyone banging on about because it makes no difference. And that's not the diminish anyone either way - I know a woman who sacrificed a lot to breastfeed her NICU baby against all the odds and I'm proud of how proud she is.

But. Look at a group of 10 year old girls running about mad and you can't tell how they were fed. My daughter also thrived from the start, ate well, slept well, developed well and is now a strong, healthy, capable girl full of personality and joy for life and that is what matters. Be confident in your choices, they are completely valid.

You are taking their reluctance to introduce a bottle of formula personally. You are happy with your choice not to breast feed so their possible negative feelings about formula shouldn't affect you.

I think you’ve purposely missed the point just so you can be snarky.

I honestly didn’t think my post would cause so much trouble or anger. The snarky comments are so MN I’ve learnt my lesson and won’t post again.

Anyway I think the take away is as women we can’t win as our choices are always dissected by others.

I couldn’t breastfeed. I 100% know it’s heartbreaking when you can’t breastfeed and it’s a shame women are so scathing of other women on here.

I didn’t think my little rant would be classed as projecting and I didn’t expect to be lectured about my apparent projecting.
I found some of the responses really antagonistic and brutal.

I’ll ask for the post to be taken down as it has inadvertently caused a backlash I didn’t expect.

I’m sure there are some people who formula feed right from birth, because that’s what they chose to do.

There are others who started by breastfeeding and for whatever reason, didn’t continue. OP was one of those. She has said she was unable to breastfeed, so that’s why she hasn’t. The breastfeeding advocates may well tell you that you just need to persevere if it’s not straightforward. Some do persevere, but when you see your tiny baby losing weight and not thriving, you don’t have many choices if they’re to stay alive.

There are definitely some very committed breastfeeding mothers who are evangelical about it and can’t accept formula feeding. I do think there’s also a cohort who feel that they are superior because they can and do breastfeed, for far longer than the majority.

No one wants to feel they aren’t giving their child the best start, but sometimes, what is deemed the best start isn’t possible.

Thank you!!! I just came on here for a rant and a little support from other mums formula feeding x